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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  My Imaginary Friend - Filmed
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  Author    My Imaginary Friend - Filmed  (currently 6932 views)
Don
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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My Imaginary Friend by Warren Duncan - Short, Psychological Drama - A young girl escapes the reality of her abusive father with the help of an imaginary friend. 9 pages - pdf, format

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Don  -  December 14th, 2016, 6:08pm
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eldave1
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 10:26am Report to Moderator
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You are a machine, Warren.

Solid writing here.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, eldave, appreciate it.


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Warren
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Please can any comments that contain spoilers be noted as such.

Thanks, all.



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LC
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 1:33am Report to Moderator
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Oh jeez, I hate it when I write a big spiel and then the tablet decides to eat it.  

Hi Warren, I read your Lullaby the other day. Brutal and bit grim, but hey, congrats, that stuff sells well. Appears you're following in Anthony's footsteps - churning them out and selling them quick smart.

Couple of FYI's if you're interested first off.  'No, daddy' - Daddy is a proper noun, so should be capped. If it can be replaced with the person's name I.e., Danny, then cap it. And, 'to plain' should be 'too' p.1, but then you know that already cause it's spelled correctly otherwise, so typo.

Maybe SPOILERS below:




Story is solid, well told, fluid believable dialogue and nicely visual, just not sure about the ending...  Maybe on screen it would work perfectly.  I did have a brief 'huh?' moment and then, well, I shan't say cause that might spoil it. Just hope  I got it right. Cue blonde moment. Switcheroo be right?

If so I think you need to rearrange that logline to be just as enticing but a bit less specific. Jmh, of course.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 1:47am Report to Moderator
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Reef does these type of stories very well. Never done one myself, not really my cup of tea. Well done though, mate. Nice work.

I can't be arsed to figure out what is and isn't a spoiler, so I'll leave it at that.

Good luck.
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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read and positive comments, Dustin and LC.

LC, always happy for things I missed to be pointed out, so thanks for that. (they have been corrected)

It's the kind of story that has a brief "huh?" and potentially might need another read or another watch (hopefully). I wanted it to be that kind of story, as long as you do get it in the end of course, which I'm sure you did.

Not really sure what I would do with the logline, they aren't a strong point. I was rather proud of that one.

Dustin, I'll have to read some of his scripts. Thanks again.


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LC
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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Ah, just noticed you're a 'down under' compatriot. That explains the nascent talent.

See how I just blew my own trumpet there?  



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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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I certainly did.

So, I'm interested, did you have something in mind for a better logline?


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BenL
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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There are some minor formatting issues but nothing to worry about.

Other than that, good job. Not sure if I get the ending tho...
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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Ben.

If you have the time, I'd love to know what you think those issues are, minor or not. If I can write it better, I want to.

The ending will always go either way. Everything is written into the script to put it togeather. Whether it is written well enough to put it togeather, who knows. But I personally like something I have to think about.

Cheers


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BenL
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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Page 1:

First slugline is "INT. HOUSE - EMILY’S ROOM - DAY". I've never seen it in this order. Shouldn't this be "INT. EMILY’S ROOM, HOUSE - DAY"?

Emily turns to face oliver. -> Missing cap
The closet is flung open, oliver pulls out a skirt. -> Missing cap

Page 2:

INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY -> same as on Page 1. I'll skip the rest of the slugs but maybe you should consider turning this around. It reads like the house is inside the room/hallway while it should be vice versa.

Page 5:

Quoted Text

Emily whispers.

EMILY
(to Oliver)
I think we should go play in my room.


Whisper is not really an action. Maybe you could write something like "Emily leans forward, nearing Oliver's ear" and then instead of "(to Oliver)" write "(in a whisper)".

Page 8:

POLICE OFFICER 2
(to police officer 1)
Kick it, I got you.

This happens off-screen, we don't know who officer 2 is really talking to so there's no need to add that line. Plus (O.S.) is missing.

Like I said, nothing to worry about.
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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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I worry about everything when it comes to my writing.

Thanks for taking the time. A few things I will change, a few I won't.

Much appreciated.


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BenL
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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You're welcome.

In the end it's up to you. Everybody has a different style of writing and as long as you feel comfortable with your writing it's fine.

I'm a perfectionist, especially when it comes to formatting so I'm really petty sometimes.
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Warren
Posted: July 18th, 2016, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Already updated


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