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My Imaginary Friend by Warren Duncan - Short, Psychological Drama - A young girl escapes the reality of her abusive father with the help of an imaginary friend. 9 pages - pdf, format
Oh jeez, I hate it when I write a big spiel and then the tablet decides to eat it.
Hi Warren, I read your Lullaby the other day. Brutal and bit grim, but hey, congrats, that stuff sells well. Appears you're following in Anthony's footsteps - churning them out and selling them quick smart.
Couple of FYI's if you're interested first off. 'No, daddy' - Daddy is a proper noun, so should be capped. If it can be replaced with the person's name I.e., Danny, then cap it. And, 'to plain' should be 'too' p.1, but then you know that already cause it's spelled correctly otherwise, so typo.
Maybe SPOILERS below:
Story is solid, well told, fluid believable dialogue and nicely visual, just not sure about the ending... Maybe on screen it would work perfectly. I did have a brief 'huh?' moment and then, well, I shan't say cause that might spoil it. Just hope I got it right. Cue blonde moment. Switcheroo be right?
If so I think you need to rearrange that logline to be just as enticing but a bit less specific. Jmh, of course.
Thanks for the read and positive comments, Dustin and LC.
LC, always happy for things I missed to be pointed out, so thanks for that. (they have been corrected)
It's the kind of story that has a brief "huh?" and potentially might need another read or another watch (hopefully). I wanted it to be that kind of story, as long as you do get it in the end of course, which I'm sure you did.
Not really sure what I would do with the logline, they aren't a strong point. I was rather proud of that one.
Dustin, I'll have to read some of his scripts. Thanks again.
If you have the time, I'd love to know what you think those issues are, minor or not. If I can write it better, I want to.
The ending will always go either way. Everything is written into the script to put it togeather. Whether it is written well enough to put it togeather, who knows. But I personally like something I have to think about.
First slugline is "INT. HOUSE - EMILY’S ROOM - DAY". I've never seen it in this order. Shouldn't this be "INT. EMILY’S ROOM, HOUSE - DAY"?
Emily turns to face oliver. -> Missing cap The closet is flung open, oliver pulls out a skirt. -> Missing cap
Page 2:
INT. HOUSE - HALLWAY - DAY -> same as on Page 1. I'll skip the rest of the slugs but maybe you should consider turning this around. It reads like the house is inside the room/hallway while it should be vice versa.
Page 5:
Quoted Text
Emily whispers.
EMILY (to Oliver) I think we should go play in my room.
Whisper is not really an action. Maybe you could write something like "Emily leans forward, nearing Oliver's ear" and then instead of "(to Oliver)" write "(in a whisper)".