Moth by Ben Clifford - Short, Drama - A young single mother will do anything to stop her baby's incessant crying. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ben, I haven't dissected each and every line (like I can often do)  
But... Right out of the gate you have a typo with it's - should be its.

Studio Apartment in the header, so get rid of the redundant 'appears to be a studio' in the following line.
he's a little grimy but not too bad I baulked at that, even though I know what you're going for.

The Doctor comes across as an idiot - has he never heard of Post Natal Depression - is it plausible he'd be so abrupt and offhand? Maybe.

Suddenly very quiet, almost gone entirely - Okay, Ben, which one is it?

Further on: the crying is gone? Gone? Not the greatest of words to use. Stopped would do.
I suggest you let us into Jen's head more via description we can see: eg. Perhaps:
The crying has stopped.
Jen takes her hands away from her ears.
Takes in the -
Silence.
Finally.
A huge sigh of relief. (or, )
She can breathe again.

The lowering of the sun in the sky should go with when she's in the park imho, to indicate time passing, the ambience of her quiet surroundings etc. Traffic and construction don't equate to ambience just more noise that would probably drive her even more balmy, so I think you need to switch that around or delete altogether and just Cut to the Park.

Perhaps the cast of a shadow, or a darkening cloud blocking out the sun would be more effective to startle her from her 'fugue' state. ? The park now deserted.

'bends the bottomless Jen...over her bathroom counter Nice alliteration but that really needs rephrasing imho, 'thrusting in (should be into btw) her gracelessly' is a very good latter description.

The fact Jen takes off for some desperate respite and leaves her baby for that length of time suggests she's not just having a hard time but that you are exploring the topic of post natal depression, a serious topic with sometimes potentially fatal consequences.

I don't know about 'fugue' that's a real dissociative psychiatric state. You could use it if she really does walk out of the apartment appearing like she's on automatic-zombie pilot but it didn't appear that way to me as written.

I would have liked to see some dire consequences for her.
The Locksmith seems affronted, perhaps a twist could have been him calling the police and you ending with that scene as denouement. Instead you've elected for: she's okay now and I'm not buying it.

Speaking of police, surely she'd call them as it's a prospect life and death, even if risking a negligence charge. However, she could easily say she's accidentally locked herself out and her baby's unattended inside. Simple mistake.

You built up the suspense nicely, but it could be built up more. I did feel the dread when she returned home and couldn't get in, baby inside etc. At that point though I'd have no sound (especially at first) coming from within.

Your time elements need some attention. She appears to be away from the apartment and in the park for quite some time and the the Locksmith takes ninety minutes to get there. He conveniently tells us this info.

Finally, your ending: I have no idea why Jen approaches with trepidation the window where the moth is.
Using the moth has symbolism, freeing it, I think you'd do well to top-n-tail that moth. The moth is trapped just like she is, it should feature at the start - Babies need feeding around the clock as I'm sure you're aware, maybe she watches it in the early dawn light as it flutters around lamp-light.

Summing up:
I think your subject matter is good.
Your  time elements need clarification.
Avoid repeating info in Slugs in the next line.
I wonder if you had other story choices (her actions) with this, purely from a logical standpoint.

Great topic to capitalise on, suspense and dread and consequences of same, and a topic that resonates with a lot of people suffering PND.

Thanks so much LC.

To clarify, I'm not implying that Jen has PND in a diagnostic sense. I would imagine anyone would have a bad days after missing a night's sleep, and being a teen mum with no support just adds to it.

Re: fugue state line. I agree, I literally just meant like you said - she's just been tired and 'out of it', not literally in a fugue state.

Re: time, I think the implication is that she is only very briefly away from the apartment at first before realising she's locked out. The sun is setting as soon as she is outside. The real time-suck is waiting for the Locksmith.

Quoted Text I have no idea why Jen approaches with trepidation the window where the moth is.

Because bugs are gross? Lol Idk

The doctor is inspired by my sister's experience with a (very shitty) doctor when her oldest son cried for a day straight without sleeping. He basically just asked if he had a fever and then told he to "get some sleep [because she] sounds hysterical", despite the fact she wouldn't be able to...because the baby is crying. Admittedly, it's a second hand experience but I'm pretty sure doctors are very capable of being uncaring, especially about MH.

Thanks again for the detailed response. I would have missed all of this.

Aussie gals ain't afraid of moths.
C'mon, with everything else that can be lying in wait?!  

I agree with you about some docs.

Just an update - a director has taken this on board to possibly produce (I posted it elsewhere earlierand I believe they saw it there).

Well done, Ben!

Not to be a Negative Nancy but due to the word 'possibly' I hope you gave said Producer a limited time Option and no Exclusive.

“Producer” is a strong word, I think this is an amateur with one or two shorts in the past (they were quite good though). I’m not too concerned about my liability if he ghosts and I move on, haha

Right. Gotcha! Everyone's gotta start somewhere, and you never know...
Crossing my fingers for you.

Ben - you're a solid writer - so take these with a grain of salt.

Quoted Text INT. JEN'S STUDIO APARTMENT JEN (19), frazzled, young, thin, nervously cradles a very young infant - BART - in her arms, shushing him as he SCREAMS. Her tiny apartment appears to be a studio - her bed, the crib, and kitchenette in the same space.

You missing the NIGHT or DAY at the end of the header.

You have studio in the header - no need to repeat. Also - I think it is always better to set the scene (describe it) before the character. I'd go with:

INT. JEN'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

Tiny. The bed, crib and kitchenette in the same space.

JEN (19), frazzled, young, thin, nervously cradles a very
young infant - BART - in her arms, shushing him as he
SCREAMS.

Quoted Text JEN Baby, baby, baby...

Didn't seem natural. Seems like it should have been Ssssh, ssssh. sssh.

Quoted Text INT. BATHROOM

On the mini slug - you don't need the INT. The same is true for your other mini-slugs.

On the Doctor Matthews exchange - it was just alright - didn't seem like Doc talk to me. He's either the worst Doctor on the planet or just a dick. Rather than this?

Quoted Text DR. MATTHEWS (V.O) I have other patients. I have to go. I'm sorry.

End it with a bit more empathy - like i'm going to give you back to the receptionist - get an appointment scheduled.

Quoted Text SUPERINTENDENT You think I have a set of keys for eighty-five apartments? No. The only person that should have a key, besides you, is your landlord.

The above seems forced - movie logic. Supers to have master keys for all of the apts.

The Locksmith arriving can be shortened. Just have her waiting - he shows up - thank God!

The Locksmith's - you had a baby in here? - went on too long.

Sorry - not sure I got the ending.

The good part - I really felt Jen's anguish - you did a great job painting that picture. I felt bad for her from the start.

Best of luck with this.

Hey Dave! Thanks for reading. Super appreciated.

Little confused about your time of day suggestion for slugs - I have always thought interior slugs shouldn't have day/night. I've also used mini slugs in previous scripts (they are so much more efficient!) and been told it's not standard, so I stopped. So I'm not sure what to do.

As I said to LC, I've dealt with some shitty GPs and I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility for a bulk billing doctor in a shitty town be rude to a young woman. It's also based on an experience of my sister's when she was a new Mum. Your perspective on the super interaction -- in Australia, building managers/supers don't actually have keys to each apartment. It really is the case that the only people who have keys would be your landlord/real estate. Not sure how it goes in the U.S though. Thank you for the perspective -- I hadn't really considered where this would be set so it might be an issue (the tentative director is in the UK)

The ending isn't super important - it is a bit of a "punchline"but I'd hope it works without it. I like LC's idea of just having the moth in the apartment throughout and Jen freeing it at the end, more metaphorical.

thanks again

Quoted from AlsoBen Hey Dave! Thanks for reading. Super appreciated. Little confused about your time of day suggestion for slugs - I have always thought interior slugs shouldn't have day/night.

Full scene headings regardless of whether they are INT or EXT should have DAY, NIGHT or some other time indication. Mini-slugs do not AND mini-slugs don't need the INT or EXT since you really only use them when you are in the same general location and in the same time).

Here's a good reference on that:

https://www.keepwriting.com/tsc/slugsandbeats.htm

Using your opening as an example:

Quoted Text INT. JEN'S STUDIO APARTMENT JEN (19), frazzled, young, thin, nervously cradles a very young infant - BART - in her arms, shushing him as he SCREAMS. Her tiny apartment appears to be a studio - her bed, the crib, and kitchenette in the same space. JEN Baby, baby, baby... Jen clutches Bart close to her chest and sits on the bed, unbuttoning her shirt. She attempts to breastfeed, but Bart just keeps crying. Jen, sleep-deprived, wipes a tear from her eye. JEN (CONT’D) Come on... INT. BATHROOM Bart is still audible wailing as Jen shuts the sliding door, which only slightly muffles the sound.

Should be:

INT. JEN'S STUDIO APARTMENT - DAY

JEN (19), frazzled, young, thin, nervously cradles a very
young infant - BART - in her arms, shushing him as he
SCREAMS.

Her tiny apartment appears to be a studio - her bed, the
crib, and kitchenette in the same space.

JEN
Baby, baby, baby...
Jen clutches Bart close to her chest and sits on the bed,
unbuttoning her shirt. She attempts to breastfeed, but Bart
just keeps crying.

Jen, sleep-deprived, wipes a tear from her eye.

JEN (CONT’D)
Come on...

BATHROOM

Bart is still audible wailing as Jen shuts the sliding door,
which only slightly muffles the sound.

As an alternative, if you don't think it is clear that the action into the bathroom is continuous, you could so something like:

BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Code A BABY WAILING at the top of it's lungs.

Its... a simple rule to remember is you only use it's when you can write 'it is'. If the sentence doesn't make sense with 'it is' then you use its.

Also, another thing, the action line is more passive than it needs to be.

A BABY wails at the top of its lungs.

Also, why not just write:

A needy BABY screams.

Surely wailing at the top of its lungs is tantamount to screaming?

Code JEN (19), frazzled, young, thin, nervously cradles a very young infant - BART - in her arms, shushing him as he SCREAMS.

Confsuing because you introduce the Baby but we now have a very young infant also thrown in. If it's a baby, why not just write 'baby'? In fact, why not introduce the baby properly right from the outset?

A six-month-old baby, BART, screams for attention as JEN (19),
frazzled, young, thin, cradles and sushes him.

Code Her tiny apartment appears to be a studio -

It doesn't appear to be... it definitely is. It even says so in the slug. This is overwriting.

Code ...her bed, the crib, and kitchenette in the same space.

You don't need to describe what a studio flat/apartment looks like. More overwriting.

Code Jen clutches Bart close to her chest and sits on the bed, unbuttoning her shirt.

Is this physically possible? Seems more prudent to put the baby down first and then unbutton the shirt.

Code Bart is still audible wailing...

audible wailing?


The passive wriitng continues throughout. It could do with a tighten.

I'm not sure that I understand the end of the story but I do sympathise with the protag's plight, so perhaps that is what you were going for?

Good luck with the production.

Thanks for the feedback Dustin. I re-read my script and I can see what you mean in each instance how the descriptions could be more concise and less passive.

As I said regarding the ending, I meant for there to be a "punchline" wherein Jen could have accessed the apartment via the fire escape stairs. But again, I really liked LC's suggestion of the moth being present throughout and the final shot just being setting the moth free - no punchline.

Quoted from AlsoBen Thanks for the feedback Dustin. I re-read my script and I can see what you mean in each instance how the descriptions could be more concise and less passive. As I said regarding the ending, I meant for there to be a "punchline" wherein Jen could have accessed the apartment via the fire escape stairs. But again, I really liked LC's suggestion of the moth being present throughout and the final shot just being setting the moth free - no punchline.

Ah, I see that now. Yes, I prefer LC's suggestion.

This has been un-optioned (is that a thing?). The director-to-be emailed me saying he couldn't secure funding for a location.

This has been tentatively optioned by a US prodco (again). If they can show me a legit option agreement, I'm going to ask the script to be taken down.

Thanks Shootin the Shorts/Script Revolution!

Nice - congrats

Thanks Dave! This guy seems more legit but was honest it'd be a no budget affair (which is fine).

I let him have the script on the conditions that I get regular-ish updates on its progress and I get to see the finished product privately (whether a prov ate TY/vimeo link or whatever) even if it's being hidden until festival rounds/release. Does this seem fair?

Hi, Ben,

The best thing about this piece is the picturesque that you wrote regarding the frustrated mother and her son. It was nicely done and somehow I do feel that there was a personal touch here. Like you have seen this firsthand. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

The ending - I had to think a bit. Initially, I thought Jen's gonna crush/kill the moth as per sighting her frustration. But then, she just let it go. I think it symbolized that since her son was quiet and asleep, it was all good for her and that she was a little if not more( you know the crying gonna start anytime soon) relieved. She's getting a hang of it. That's what I think.

There was a little issue with your sluglines. There were no mentions of DAY or NIGHT in the apartment scenes. You need to mention them. They're not mini-slugs. There are full headings. Also, I think there was a bit of confusion between ITS and IT'S. But that's fine, we all make mistakes.

Lastly, the title was off-putting for me. I thought -even though metaphorically -there would be more significance of the moth throughout the script but it only appeared at the end. Little disappointed there.

And yes, congrats for the script been optioned. Again.

Good luck.

Hey Yuvraj

Thanks for the read. I said earlier in the thread - this comes from something my sister told me about when  she was a single mother and she called her doctor because my nephew wouldn't stop crying and he basically was like "well duh its a baby *click*". Other than that I have no baby experience.

The moth isn't a metaphor - Jen follows the Moth to the window only to realise she could have re entered the apartment by following the fire escape stairs. It's more of a punchline.

Quoted from AlsoBen Hey Yuvraj Thanks for the read. I said earlier in the thread - this comes from something my sister told me about when  she was a single mother and she called her doctor because my nephew wouldn't stop crying and he basically was like "well duh its a baby *click*". Other than that I have no baby experience. The moth isn't a metaphor - Jen follows the Moth to the window only to realise she could have re entered the apartment by following the fire escape stairs. It's more of a punchline.

Well somewhere I was right then.

As for the moth interpretation. I would like to stick with my own theory. You know since this was my first genuine thought. Not gonna ruin it with all due respect to your writing it as a punchline. This seems more grounded to the feeling for me.

Good luck again.

Well written. A very powerful EMOTIONAL story - Very visual, in that I felt Jen. You portrayed the realism of so many young single mothers fighting life's hardship for the love of their child.

The locksmith, like so many of us that are quick to judge... He, judging her without contempt to her environment, situation, for which she gave (he took) him sex.  

Well done!        

Quoted from AlsoBen Thanks Dave! This guy seems more legit but was honest it'd be a no budget affair (which is fine). I let him have the script on the conditions that I get regular-ish updates on its progress and I get to see the finished product privately (whether a prov ate TY/vimeo link or whatever) even if it's being hidden until festival rounds/release. Does this seem fair?

Fair - but I would add more. I have a standard "free use" agreement for all of my Shorts. Here is is

Quoted Text PREAMBLE There is an agreement below. What is means in plain language is that you get to make a film from my script for free. However, I retain ownership of the script unless at some time in the future you decide to pay me for the script and I decide to accept your offer. It is crafted in a way to allow students and new filmmakers a chance to film something at no cost for the written material.  Here are the terms: AGREEMENT I, David Lambertson,  grant  (name of student or producer) permission to use my screenplay (title of script)  for purposes of creating a film version of the story.  No payment is required for this permission. This permission is not intended to transfer rights to the script or otherwise create an “option” to own the script. It is simply intended is permission to film the story. This means: •     The script remains the property of David Lambertson. •     David Lambertson at his sole discretion may allow others to use the script. •     David Lambertson may sell the script at any point in the future. •     At any time, David Lambertson may submit this script to contests at his discretion and any and all proceeds from contest awards are 100% his. Nothing in the above is intended to impede or restrict the filmmaker’s (insert name) ownership of their completed film or infringe on their rights to that product. In other words, if they (insert name) complete a film based on the free permission granted to use the script,  any subsequent use,  sale or option of the script by David Lambertson to any party does not infringe on (insert filmmaker’s name)  use of the script for their film. Unless otherwise indicated below, (insert name of filmmaker) is entitled to all proceeds and awards from festivals that the completed project is submitted to other than any and all awards that directly relate to writing. Those belong the David Lambertson. David Lambertson will receive sole and full writing credit for the script and will be recognized in the credits as the sole writer on the filmed version as well as in any future marketing efforts, submittals to film festivals, IMDB profiles and all other public displays of the script or the film. No changes or modifications to the script will in any way create a co-writer credit. David Lambertson is the sole writer. The filmmaker (insert name here) agrees to complete the film within (indicate time frame) of receiving this permission and will provide David Lambertson access to the completed project through either a hard copy (DVD) version or a link to a web-site hosting the film.   The filmmaker (insert name) may at any time within (insert timeframe) tender an offer to David Lambertson to option or purchase the rights to this script. Whether to accept such an offer will be at the sole discretion of David Lambertson. Should the film not be completed within (insert timeframe) the permission to use the script is revoked. SIGNATURE AND DATE FOR WRITER AND FILMMAKER

This is what I use if they purchased my script. I used a sample date for illustrative purposes

Quoted Text AGREEMENT FOR THE SCRIPT: “INSERT TITLE” This agreement is between David Lambertson (“Writer”) and INSERT NAME (“Filmmaker”) regarding the script: “INSERT TITLE The effective date of the Agreement is January 1, 2019. UNDERSTANDINGS The Writer understands that it is the Filmmaker’s intent to produce a film and, if possible, obtain exclusive ownership rights to the script.   The Filmmaker understands that the writer has given free use to other parties prior to the date of this agreement and that any films related to that permission are not invalidated by this agreement. The Writer is not responsible for any parties that may have used this script without his permission. Towards that end, upon consummation of this agreement, the Writer agrees not to enter into any options with any other parties from this date forward and further agrees to sell the script on an exclusive basis to the filmmaker. WRITER’S CREDITS •     David Lambertson will receive sole and full writing credit for the script and will be recognized in the credits as the sole writer on the filmed version as well as in any future marketing efforts, submittals to film festivals, IMDB profiles and all other public displays of the script or the film. •     No changes or modifications to the script will in any way create a co-writer credit. David Lambertson is the sole writer. FILMAKER’S RIGHTS AND WRITER COMPENSATION The Filmmaker has permission to produce a film based on the script. No one else from the date of this agreement forward except for cases of default (see below) will be granted permission to use the script. The Writer agrees to sell the script for $xxx to the Filmmaker at which time the Filmmaker will have exclusive rights to the script from the date of this agreement forward. Payment is due to the Writer no later than three months from the date of this agreement. If not received by then, the agreement is void. The Filmmaker will be entitled to 100% of all awards related to the film, other than awards exclusively for writing.   The Writer will be entitled to 50% of all awards from festivals that are exclusively related to writing. The film maker will receive 50% of any such awards. DEFAULT The Filmmaker agrees to complete the film within one year of the date of this agreement and will provide The Writer access to the completed project through either a hard copy (DVD) version or a link to a web-site hosting the film.   Unless otherwise extended by the Writer, should the film not be completed by December 31, 2019  the permission to use the script is revoked.  This may be waived, and the time period extended based on both the approval of the filmmaker and the writer. DAVID LAMBERTSON   (WRITER)                                FILMAKER                                               January 1, 2019

These are just what I made up myself - have no idea if they cover everything but they have worked for me so far - feel free to use them if they fit your needs in the future.

Although I'm not the exact person you're responding to but thanks a lot for this Dave. Quite informative and important.

Do you mind if I happen to use them in future? Thinking it was only intended for Ben though.

Quoted from Yuvraj Although I'm not the exact person you're responding to but thanks a lot for this Dave. Quite informative and important. Do you mind if I happen to use them in future? Thinking it was only intended for Ben though.

all yours, buddy.

Quoted from eldave1 all yours, buddy.

Great.