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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Forsaken
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  Author    Forsaken  (currently 871 views)
Don
Posted: January 19th, 2020, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Forsaken by AJ Lovell - Short, Drama - A young mans heart is breaking after his girlfriend leaves him, his Father hatches a plan to help. 5 pages

contest: Winner of the SWN short script award 2020 - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 4th, 2020, 2:29pm
revised draft
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JohnMcCarthy
Posted: January 31st, 2020, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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This is a very sweet (if sad) story. Very nicely told. If there were any formatting or spelling issues I missed them. Well done!
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AndyJ
Posted: February 1st, 2020, 8:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JohnMcCarthy
This is a very sweet (if sad) story. Very nicely told. If there were any formatting or spelling issues I missed them. Well done!


Thanks for the read and the compliment. I have changed the names and waiting to upload the new version. I just felt the names are too similar.



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Yuvraj
Posted: March 14th, 2020, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hello AJ,

Gave this one a read.

There are some punctuations missing. Some grammatical errors too.

A bit confused at the ending though. I hope you will care to explain that to me. I'll wait.

Peace.


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AndyJ
Posted: March 14th, 2020, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Hello AJ,

Gave this one a read.

There are some punctuations missing. Some grammatical errors too.

A bit confused at the ending though. I hope you will care to explain that to me. I'll wait.

Peace.


What confused you?


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Yuvraj
Posted: March 15th, 2020, 2:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AndyJ


What confused you?


The last two scenes.

What to figure out about LOUISE been in her bed and BRAD suddenly feeling better about his break up?


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AndyJ
Posted: March 15th, 2020, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj


The last two scenes.

What to figure out about LOUISE been in her bed and BRAD suddenly feeling better about his break up?


I'm actually not even going to bother, I'll give you a clue though... no one broke up


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AndyJ
Posted: December 18th, 2023, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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We're back we're bad, you're black I'm mad,

It's been a while since I've been here. This script is going to be produced soon, casting call has gone out so hopefully in the new year.


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LC
Posted: December 18th, 2023, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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AJ,

Very sad, and thought provoking. I thought this was a typical breakup scenario at first, so you got me there.

BRAD (CONT'D)
So you.... Maybe this should be an open-ended question mark. So you...?
Meant to echo the opening 'Do you want to...?', I assume.

Should be 'lying on her bed', not laying.
It reads well. I have to wonder though if it would be entirely satisfying on screen without more backstory. I felt like more story was needed.


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AndyJ
Posted: December 19th, 2023, 8:10am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading and the feedback


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AndyJ
Posted: December 19th, 2023, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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I forgot to mention that this script was picked up from here, as was another of mine that was produced a couple of years ago. I would say, get your scripts up on here... you never know


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Don
Posted: December 19th, 2023, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from AndyJ
I forgot to mention that this script was picked up from here, as was another of mine that was produced a couple of years ago. I would say, get your scripts up on here... you never know


Do I need to remove the script?   And, glad the site is of use to you.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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AndyJ
Posted: December 19th, 2023, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah this site has worked out for me and hopefully it'll gives others hope that their scripts could get picked up on here.

No I'm happy to leave it up, I've not given it as exclusive

Thanks Don



Revision History (1 edits)
AndyJ  -  December 20th, 2023, 7:30am
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LC
Posted: December 19th, 2023, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Normally when you give an exclusive you take it down, at least for the Option period and especially if sold.

Do you mean exclusive or non exclusive?


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AndyJ
Posted: January 1st, 2024, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Normally when you give an exclusive you take it down, at least for the Option period and especially if sold.

Do you mean exclusive or non exclusive?



Quoted from AndyJ


No I'm happy to leave it up, I've not given it as exclusive


I said NOT exclusive


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