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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  All Good
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  Author    All Good  (currently 991 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All Good by Ben Clifford- Short, Drama - When his father is released from a mental institution, a confused teenage boy begins questioning his mother about his father's return to the family home. 21 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  November 14th, 2020, 9:29pm
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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Ben - gave this a read.


Quoted Text
THOM
I just donít like maths.


math.


Quoted Text
Thom sits at the bedside as GRAHAM (40s), a heavy-set
masculine man lays in a bed. The same Nurse as before
supervises their interaction. Graham smiles.


lies or lying in bed - not lays.

It's kind of clumsy. Maybe:

Thom sits at the bedside of GRAHAM (40s), a heavy-set,
masculine man.

The same Nurse as before supervises their interaction. Graham smiles.


Quoted Text
He looks to nurse, not quite believing him. She nods,
smiling happily.


the NurseGRAHAM


Quoted Text
Iím going to teach you how to drive
out there, too. At least until I
move back in with you guys.


no comma after there.


Quoted Text
Thom walks to a landline on the wall, picking it up. He
dials. An automated voice answer.


answers


Quoted Text
VOICE (O.S)
Thank you for calling the Dawson
Shire Council. If you are calling
about the water quality, please
dial one.


A nit - but this technology did not exist before keypads on phones (as opposed to dials). i.e., it was press one - not dial one.


Quoted Text
On screen: an news ANCHOR.


Should be: a NEWS ANCHOR

Okay - the story - you had me all the way to the end. A lot of great poignant moments very nicely written and the angst leaps off the page - I really liked the subtle approach.

But the ending felt incomplete to me. Luke unresolved - hope that makes sense somehow.










My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posing this so quickly Don.

I'm about to replace the PDF with the one where I fixed the typos...sorry you had to read this copy Dave.

Re: maths/math. "Maths" is how we say 'math" in AU, never heard an Australian call it 'math'.

Hopefully the other errors are fixed in my new PDF.

Thanks for the read Dave

EDIT: I forgot to add that this is something I wrote the opening for about a year ago and then randomly wrote the rest last week. It‚Äôs autobiographical hence the ‚Äú2007‚ÄĚ setting which doesn‚Äôt really impact the plot, I guess.



Revision History (1 edits)
AlsoBen  -  June 22nd, 2020, 12:29am
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LC
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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So before I comment further, Ben, I can stop with individually picking out the typos for you? No offence but 10 so far! Were you in a hurry?

More general story comments will follow...

Had written most out, so...
Okay, I see your excuse.  

Is it Mrs or Mr Larkin? See that one at the top?

Ceilings (typo)
My dad says your dad (should be lower case cause you wouldn't say 'my Graham)
(CONT.)
(CONT)
How about just get rid of the CONT unless going over the page?

Lies (as Dave pointed out) not lays
To the nurse
Rural and suburban?
Dressed nice/ nicely?
He goes to the private school
In front of the TV or, while watching the TV perhaps?
A NEWS Anchor, not an
Should be: Protests (Typo)
Street protest
Organised for you
Your mum (lower case)
Accelator.  accelerate
Donít think you need a semicolon after shift gears
I donít think you need all the CUT To's either, least not as many as you have.
Embaressed typo
Bedroon typo
(CONT) Typo
Suggestion: some more wine/ a refill?
Oppurtunity Typo
Should call Mr Larkin a guidance counsellor up front, even though I got the gist.

Are you sure Scott wasnít
Calling you a fruitcake?

Huh? The counsellor asks this??
its' Typo
hime Typo
knoww Typo
You know embaressing that was Ė Typo alert yet again.

Atleast (insert space)
sit by newspaper (s)
goverment
tlaking

Okay, now that's out of the way...

Clearly this is written from one who has lived it. You're not alone there btw. Full credit to you for the authenticity without overload, hysteria or melodrama and glamourising even, which can sadly creep in to the writing of mental illness.

Combining it with pubescent homosexuality coming of age and just peer pressure/school clique struggle (which you also don't lay on thick) is all the more resonant and touching.

Love this line:

...And heíll get sick again. And heíll get better again. Iíve know him longer than you. Iíve known him for twenty years years longer than you.

What can I say? Storywise it was a pleasure to read.

You nailed young Thom, his hesitancy to divulge much to his counsellor, the relationship sadness with Fraser, touches of humour etc.

I do wonder at the opening V.O. I was longing for a bit of top tail there. Seems a bit unfinished. I wanted Thom's voice in V.O. again at the end -- if this is a Short. If it's part of a feature length then okay.

P.S. speakers of American and Canadian English use math, while speakers of British, Irish, and Australian English favor maths. There's no real logical explanation as to why math became preferred in some places while maths was elsewhere. dictionary.com

Which means, Dave, we speak funny... Or, maybe it's you guys who do.  



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  June 21st, 2020, 10:50pm
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AlsoBen
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey!!! I can explain the typos. When I write a short I export a PDF to read it for errors to fix (I can't spot errors in the actual text entry for some reason). In this case I uploaded the initial PDF instead of the fixed one...

I think I updated the file on Dropbox now sorry Dave and LC!


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eldave1
Posted: June 21st, 2020, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlsoBen
Hey!!! I can explain the typos. When I write a short I export a PDF to read it for errors to fix (I can't spot errors in the actual text entry for some reason). In this case I uploaded the initial PDF instead of the fixed one...

I think I updated the file on Dropbox now sorry Dave and LC!


No problem.  Just means you have a Type O personality


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AlsoBen
Posted: June 22nd, 2020, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the kind words LC! I am very proud of that line


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Yuvraj
Posted: June 22nd, 2020, 4:16am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ben,

This script is amazing to read. It has the essence of subtlety without any melodrama or whatsoever. It is sufficient to say that the writing depicts the mental condition of Thom in a nice way. Not flashy or anything like that.

Damn those scenes where Thom sees the refugee and jacks off later, it was a nice visual depiction of homosexuality. I mean this positively. The venerability of Thom was captured nicely.

Enjoyed this one.

Good luck.


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AlsoBen
Posted: June 22nd, 2020, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Yuvrej!


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AlsoBen
Posted: July 3rd, 2020, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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I wanna adapt this into a feature - but need more feedback (thanks everyone so far) particularly around how it's plot could lend itself to a longer narrative (because it's half autobiographical at this point, I'd have to do some personal digging if there's not enough plot here).

Willing to trade a short review.


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AlsoBen
Posted: November 14th, 2020, 7:51pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Don, the link to my script here appears dead and I have a newer draft I'd love read here.

Can the link at the OP be changd whenever there is time?

Thanks, Ben

P.S - still working on adapting this as a feature, but because it's probably my strongest short I've written this year I thought I'd spend some time rewriting it.

EDIT: The new draft isn't massively changed, just trimmed one or two scenes based on feedback. I also changed some names as this as semi-autobiographical and I used real people's names in the first draft...very silly.


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LC
Posted: November 14th, 2020, 9:19pm Report to Moderator
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Changed the link for you in the OP, Ben.

Check it to see it's current and AOK?
Hang tight, might have missed something code-wise.


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AlsoBen
Posted: November 14th, 2020, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure what happened but this is the direct link: https://www.dropbox.com/s/6sm040ma3uoq7yd/ALL%20GOOD%20%281%29.pdf?dl=0


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LC
Posted: November 14th, 2020, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Try now, it should be right.


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AlsoBen
Posted: November 14th, 2020, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Yep she's good! Thanks LC.


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