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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  An Angel in a bar
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  Author    An Angel in a bar  (currently 218 views)
Don
Posted: September 13th, 2020, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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An Angel in a bar. by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A man that can see both Heavens and Devils Angels. Is paid a visit in a bar by both, for a sin he has NOT YET committed. 3 pages - pdf format

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Yuvraj
Posted: September 13th, 2020, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, Barry! You always come up with something bizarre(in a good way) to read.


The story is nice and the writing is pretty decent. But again, why do you bold your characters? I find it distracting.


Quoted Text
He feels the presents of a spirit by his side.


PRESENCE not PRESENTS.


Other than this, all good from my side. A nice short can be wonderfully made from this.


Good luck.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD
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BarryJohn
Posted: September 13th, 2020, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Yuvraj. Thanks for the read and nice comment - glad you enjoyed it.


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 13th, 2020, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BarryJohn
Yuvraj. Thanks for the read and nice comment - glad you enjoyed it.


No probs.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD
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BarryJohn
Posted: September 14th, 2020, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting Don


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 14th, 2020, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi Barry

This part is visually confusing.


Quoted Text
A bewildered look overcomes Mike. He feels the presents of a
spirit by his side. He turns his head to look, we see
nothing - he does, an ANGEL of HEAVEN.


First of all, we can't see what he feels - secondly, if we see nothing, how do we know what he sees? are we supposed to see the Angels at any point during this script? because after telling us we see nothing, you never tell us that we actually see them.

you don't use ellipses (...) correctly - you should look up their proper use.

As to the story itself, It wasn't for me - It seemed a bit of a simplistic view of sins/heaven/hell...


Quoted Text
HEAVENS ANGEL
You shot an innocent man! You going
to hell.


...when you could have explored it more deeply, even in 3 pages. Overall, not very satisfying.

There are a lot of silly typos in here which should really be found before putting it out there.

I would give this another go over if I was you.

Best of luck to you


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eldave1
Posted: September 14th, 2020, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don
An Angel in a bar. by Barry John Terblanche - Short, Drama - A man that can see both Heavens and Devils Angels. Is paid a visit in a bar by both, for a sin he has NOT YET committed. 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



On the logline:

It's Heaven's - not Heavens

It's Hell's - not Hells.

You should not start a new sentence at "Is:.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BarryJohn
Posted: September 15th, 2020, 4:22am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Matthew, Eldave, thanks for the read and comments



Quoted Text
First of all, we can't see what he feels - secondly, if we see nothing, how do we know what he sees? are we supposed to see the Angels at any point during this script? because after telling us we see nothing, you never tell us that we actually see them.

We don't actually see them - only he does.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 15th, 2020, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BarryJohn
We don't actually see them - only he does.


If that is the case then any reference to their movements or appearance is null and void

"The Angel just stares at him in silence."
"The Heavens Angel walks over to kneel over the dead man."
"The Devils Angel swoops his large black wings over him, as we"

All of the above is pointless as we don't see any of it

if we can't see the angels, can we hear them? If no, then their dialogue is pointless - if we do hear them, then you should probably use V.O since a filmmaker would probably have to use a voice over since no actor will be in the scene to play them.

But then that begs the question, why can we hear them and not see them? Imagine watching this, the most visually interesting characters are invisible.

We just see a man talking to himself, then attack a man with a gun and lie there bleeding - your ending of swooping black wings over his body won't actually be seen.

Seriously, rethink this one.


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BarryJohn
Posted: September 15th, 2020, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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In writing this script, I had to deliver to both READER and PRODUCER.
- It reads well in the sense of self visual ~ from a readers point of view he/she will see the angels.
- From a production point of view ~ they will know how to film it.    


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 15th, 2020, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BarryJohn
In writing this script, I had to deliver to both READER and PRODUCER.
- It reads well in the sense of self visual ~ from a readers point of view he/she will see the angels.
- From a production point of view ~ they will know how to film it.    


That makes zero sense, Barry - but whatever, it's your script


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BarryJohn
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for your read and comments. The script has been optioned.

For production consideration - No comments required


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Barry. Hope to see it soon.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD
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eldave1
Posted: September 19th, 2020, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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BarryJohn
Posted: September 20th, 2020, 4:01am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Thanks Yuvraz and Eldave!


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