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Paul (Storyboarded) (currently 1113 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 2nd, 2021, 12:05pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator ![](/uploads/donss2_1228.jpg) So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16445 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
Paul by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - Sometimes, the best gift you can give is to just listen. 3 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this workIf the video doesn't play, try clicking this video link. |
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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - December 17th, 2022, 10:31am | | |
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BarryJohn |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 12:09pm |
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New ![](/uploads/me_pic_5291.jpg) Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..
LocationSouth Africa Posts347 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Wow... that was a really great script! nothing more to add. |
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Zack |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:31pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/oblong_box_productions_3311.jpg)
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4518 Posts Per Day 0.68 |
Checked this one out for ya. Strange, introducing a character as "He sits on a milkcrate, playing guitar.", only to properly introduce him in the next action line. Then, you don't introduce the two teens at all. Just nit-picking. ![](/BlahImages/Smilies/tongue.gif) Finished. Awesome story, Dude. It got me. ![](/BlahImages/Smilies/smiley.gif) Aside from my nit-picks about the way you introduce the characters, I found the writing to be top-notch. Flowed well and was easy to visualize. Really hope this gets picked up. Good stuff. |
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Robert Timsah |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:41pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/33977_2349.jpg) Story Is Structure
Posts280 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
I liked this. Thanks for sharing. I'm not a guy who gives advice on format, or typos. Just the story for me and I enjoyed it. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 1:50pm |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/d554471f1e954741b059e297c5fe2226_4985.jpeg) … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3231 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
Barrry, Zack & Robert — Thanks for reading! Glad you all seem to like it. The intro of Paul was purposely written like that. I don’t really know why I chose that way, and I don’t normally do it that way. I just did it here, no rhyme or reason. The two kids did have an intro. Very simple — They look like two assholes. That was it. I deleted it. Felt their dialogue told us all that anyway. ![](/BlahImages/Smilies/grin.gif) Other than that, appreciate the reads! Steve |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 3:56pm |
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Old Timer ![](/uploads/lebowski_2473.jpg)
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.33 |
Good stuff. I didn't even notice the character intro was different so I guess that means it worked. Don't really have anything to add, I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 4:06pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/propic_simply_scripts_3515.jpg)
LocationSouthern California Posts6872 Posts Per Day 1.88 |
Very nice script. Short, sweet - well told |
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SAC |
Posted: May 3rd, 2021, 5:31pm |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/d554471f1e954741b059e297c5fe2226_4985.jpeg) … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3231 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
Thanks for reading, James & Dave. Glad you guys liked it.
Steve |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 4:15am |
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Old Timer ![](/uploads/img_9471_1489.jpg)
Posts1787 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.
The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.
It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 6:41am |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/d554471f1e954741b059e297c5fe2226_4985.jpeg) … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3231 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
Writing is solid and well done, and it reads tight.
The teens were amusing and it definitely drills down to the hurt within Paul.
It may just be me, but I feel like a little something is missing. I'm not sure what that is, but I felt like I needed something more for the payoff to add oomph. That could just be me. |
Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely I’ll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. It’s happened before. |
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Andrew |
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 9:48am |
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Old Timer ![](/uploads/img_9471_1489.jpg)
Posts1787 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
Reading back, I think the end could have been extended a bit more. I definitely get your point, although not quite sure what to add, either, so most likely I’ll probably leave it alone. If this is good enough to get picked up, a more astute director will probably know that answer. It’s happened before.
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Yeah, that's true. I'll have a think and let you know if any ideas crop up. Best I can come up with right now is to link it in payoff with part of why he is so sad, so maybe something like the reason he plays guitar is because of x and the payoff reveals that, which adds another layer to wrap around the story. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 4th, 2021, 10:27am |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/d554471f1e954741b059e297c5fe2226_4985.jpeg) … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3231 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
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Ronen |
Posted: May 9th, 2021, 7:13am |
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New ![](/uploads/003_6827.gif)
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hello... ![](/BlahImages/Smilies/smiley.gif) I've read it and loved it very much. I'm a novice writer so I guess I don't have any critics on it or could it simply be that this moving story is perfect as it is? a human real-life story thanks for sharing it - it reminded me of just what I'm looking for in screenwriting or a movie. and just 3 pages. short and sweet. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 10th, 2021, 6:35am |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/d554471f1e954741b059e297c5fe2226_4985.jpeg) … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3231 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
Thanks for reading, Ronen. I’m glad you liked it. Speaking of having no criticisms of it...
I posted the first page for #firstpagefriday on a FB screenwriting website and it got torn apart! So many people couldn’t get over Paul’s opening two paragraph description. They kept telling me it was overwritten and, the way I saw it, just getting way too critical, even though the points were somewhat valid.
That said, thanks again!
Steve |
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RobbieD |
Posted: May 30th, 2021, 7:58pm |
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LocationUK Posts26 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Beautiful. and for what it's worth, stronger for me with the intro just the way you have it. Thanks for sharing. |
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SAC |
Posted: June 1st, 2021, 5:03am |
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Of The Ancients ![](/uploads/d554471f1e954741b059e297c5fe2226_4985.jpeg) … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3231 Posts Per Day 0.77 |
Robbie,
Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it. A filmmaking enthusiast from Argentina approached me on this, so maybe we’ll be seeing a filmed version in the not too distant future.
Thanks again!
Steve |
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Don |
Posted: December 16th, 2022, 7:24pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator ![](/uploads/donss2_1228.jpg) So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16445 Posts Per Day 1.92 |
I posted the storyboard. Up top. |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1 |
Posted: December 16th, 2022, 9:06pm |
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January Project Group ![](/uploads/propic_simply_scripts_3515.jpg)
LocationSouthern California Posts6872 Posts Per Day 1.88 |
Robbie,
Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it. A filmmaking enthusiast from Argentina approached me on this, so maybe we’ll be seeing a filmed version in the not too distant future.
Thanks again!
Steve |
Rooting for you |
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