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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Carnival
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Don
Posted: May 23rd, 2022, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Carnival by Ryan Buxaplenty - Short, Drama, Coming of Age - An early teen, making the most out of his summer, decides to attend the local carnival. 13 pages  - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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steven8
Posted: May 25th, 2022, 1:09am Report to Moderator
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It was nice.  It was just really nice.  I kept reading because I cared about what would happen between Hector and Iris.  It made me smile and feel good.  Very sweet.  Well done.  Very well done.

Take one of the Ds out of Midday.  There are only two.


ED - All I wanna do is tell stories.  The things I find interesting...

DOLORES - Well maybe you're not studio kind of material.
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FrankH
Posted: June 3rd, 2022, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Ryan.

You on the discussion board.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORTS:
Happy Birthday (Comedy)
Size Doesn't Matter. (Comedy)
Touchdown (Comedy)
Sleepwalking (Thriller/Supernatural)
Imaginary Friend (Thriller/Drama)
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AlsoBen
Posted: June 24th, 2022, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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This was a really cute story.

Are you on the boards Ryan? Happy to give you some proper feedback if I know you’re around to read this.


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_ryanbuxaplenty
Posted: July 24th, 2022, 4:06am Report to Moderator
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I'm new to simply scripts so it took a little bit to figure out this forum but im here and open to any feedback.
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FrankH
Posted: July 29th, 2022, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ryan,

Nice piece of work. liked the way it progressed with Iris and Hector, he got his girl, great confidence and
the BIG price. A little twist at the end, I guess, going for the BIG stuffed animal.

Good dialogue for the age range, teens. It felt real.

Action blocks, IMO, need some tightening. There is quite a bit of telling, unfilmable and fillers,
I call them. When you read through the script, ask yourself, is this visual, filmable.
EX: On page 1: "Hector continuous to look around.". That's all you need, cause it's implied
what Hector is looking for from PEDRO's dialogue following "You looking out for Iris?"
Show me what's going on. Keep it tight. Don't waste space.

I'm not going to pick too much on format and technical stuff, but I like to mention a couple of things.
In Action, I try to stay with present tense (ex: smiles) instead of present progressive/continuous (smiling).
And avoid repeating in Action what is established in the headline/slug line, like the opening paragraph.
Why not remove "sidewalk" from the heading, then you can include "sidewalk" in the Action block.

Another nit-pick, I would just stay with DAY and NIGHT in your slug, not a fan of MIDAY, just my own opinion.

The first paragraph, maybe a little clunky. Four bicycle wheels roll down a sidewalk, I guess
that is what you're trying to say.

It almost feels like a Teen Romantic Comedy.

A feel-good story. Good work. I liked it.

Good luck

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORTS:
Happy Birthday (Comedy)
Size Doesn't Matter. (Comedy)
Touchdown (Comedy)
Sleepwalking (Thriller/Supernatural)
Imaginary Friend (Thriller/Drama)
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 30th, 2022, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Nice story, Ryan! Short and sweet.


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_ryanbuxaplenty
Posted: July 30th, 2022, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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I really appreciate all the feedback. I'm trying to figure out how to reply to comments individually but I haven't figured it out yet lol
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 30th, 2022, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ryanbuxaplenty
I'm trying to figure out how to reply to comments individually but I haven't figured it out yet lol


Simply go to that individual's post you'd like to respond to individually, then click the "quote" button icon in the right hand corner.

I know there's a thread as well that explains things better than I could, but can't seem to find the darn thing at the moment. Lol!



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LC
Posted: July 30th, 2022, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Welcome, Ryan!

What he/she said.

Here's the link:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

Any other questions, feel free to ask or PM.


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_ryanbuxaplenty
Posted: August 4th, 2022, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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oh nice lol thank you for the tip



Simply go to that individual's post you'd like to respond to individually, then click the "quote" button icon in the right hand corner.

I know there's a thread as well that explains things better than I could, but can't seem to find the darn thing at the moment. Lol!



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