Carnival by Ryan Buxaplenty - Short, Drama, Coming of Age - An early teen, making the most out of his summer, decides to attend the local carnival. 13 pages  - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice

It was nice.  It was just really nice.  I kept reading because I cared about what would happen between Hector and Iris.  It made me smile and feel good.  Very sweet.  Well done.  Very well done.

Take one of the Ds out of Midday.  There are only two.

Hey, Ryan.

You on the discussion board.

Frank

This was a really cute story.

Are you on the boards Ryan? Happy to give you some proper feedback if I know you’re around to read this.

I'm new to simply scripts so it took a little bit to figure out this forum but im here and open to any feedback.

Hey Ryan,

Nice piece of work. liked the way it progressed with Iris and Hector, he got his girl, great confidence and
the BIG price. A little twist at the end, I guess, going for the BIG stuffed animal.

Good dialogue for the age range, teens. It felt real.

Action blocks, IMO, need some tightening. There is quite a bit of telling, unfilmable and fillers,
I call them. When you read through the script, ask yourself, is this visual, filmable.
EX: On page 1: "Hector continuous to look around.". That's all you need, cause it's implied
what Hector is looking for from PEDRO's dialogue following "You looking out for Iris?"
Show me what's going on. Keep it tight. Don't waste space.

I'm not going to pick too much on format and technical stuff, but I like to mention a couple of things.
In Action, I try to stay with present tense (ex: smiles) instead of present progressive/continuous (smiling).
And avoid repeating in Action what is established in the headline/slug line, like the opening paragraph.
Why not remove "sidewalk" from the heading, then you can include "sidewalk" in the Action block.

Another nit-pick, I would just stay with DAY and NIGHT in your slug, not a fan of MIDAY, just my own opinion.

The first paragraph, maybe a little clunky. Four bicycle wheels roll down a sidewalk, I guess
that is what you're trying to say.

It almost feels like a Teen Romantic Comedy.

A feel-good story. Good work. I liked it.

Good luck

Frank

Nice story, Ryan! Short and sweet.

I really appreciate all the feedback. I'm trying to figure out how to reply to comments individually but I haven't figured it out yet lol

Quoted from _ryanbuxaplenty I'm trying to figure out how to reply to comments individually but I haven't figured it out yet lol

Simply go to that individual's post you'd like to respond to individually, then click the "quote" button icon in the right hand corner.

I know there's a thread as well that explains things better than I could, but can't seem to find the darn thing at the moment. Lol!

Welcome, Ryan!

What he/she said.

Here's the link:
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1124159895/

Any other questions, feel free to ask or PM.

oh nice lol thank you for the tip

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Simply go to that individual's post you'd like to respond to individually, then click the "quote" button icon in the right hand corner. I know there's a thread as well that explains things better than I could, but can't seem to find the darn thing at the moment. Lol!