Victor's Secret by Marnie Mitchell (mmmarnie) writing as Anonymous, too - Short, Drama - A lawyer trying to beat his strange addiction, ends up needing it to save his life. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ahoy writer -- Haha! Too funny. Yup, first one I read where all the parameters were met. Top-notch writing, excellent dialogue with just the right amount of humor. It did get a bit predictable towards the end but it didn't stop me from enjoying it. Not gonna nit-pick. Clearly from the mastermind of a SimplyScript veteran.

Thanks for the read. Best of Irish luck! -A

I liked it.  I think it's a nice twist that the protagonist's 'issue' saved his life and caught a killer.  Plus, I'm glad Jonesy found a good home.  The dialog is good, too.

To be honest, the setup was nice and the confrontation got me excited with the twist but the ending kinda fizzled out the efforts for me. IMO, the ending didn't do justice to such an exciting story.

Good luck.

This was fun. I especially enjoyed Jonesy and the Simply Scripts thong! Nothing to complain about.  

Thought this was good until the last couple of pages, nice characters, funny dialogue and a clever set up...

But the 'ending' fell flat for me, maybe because the 'plot' is introduced so late with little foreshadowing.

Good effort though.

Well written, and I liked the pivot at the end, even if it felt a little out of the blue.

Found myself lightly skipping the read in the middle, mainly because the scope of the story started to feel a little too big for the page count.

It then sped up double quick to a neat and satisfying conclusion.

Good base if you wanted to develop in a rewrite, and a solid piece of work for a OWC.

A well thought out story with a good twist.

The SS Thong unfortunately only works for members who have been around this board for several years, newer members might miss the punch, but I guess the only other option would be to smash her over the head with a SS Mug full of quarters.

Ha ha. I enjoyed the read. I preferred the first 7-8 pages as Victor
is struggling with his addiction. The ending is okay, but not quite up
to the setup.
Instead of finding a paper list, what if Sophia has the names of
her past kills printed or embroidered on the SS thong, like notches in
a gunslinger's belt.
And Victor is so enraptured by the thong that he wraps it around his face
like a mask. That's when he notices his reflection in the mirror, revealing
the names of her previous victims.
Anyway, good stuff here.

Second read for me and definitely my second "like".  I did find the logline line a little off - couldn't put my finger on it, until I decided it was missing the major plot point.  What about something like:

"After relocating to a new city, a lawyer with a strange addiction feels compelled to act when he discovers a sinister plot involving former partners, left behind by the co-worker they’ve been dating."  

Anyway, the script is extremely well written and hits all the parameters as set out.  The "SS" panties are absolutely perfect!  I have an idea, if this script wins, I think the "prize" should be a pair of these exact panties instead of the traditional cup!  Of course, you would be required to have them featured on your Avatar LOL.

Seriously though, very nice job with this.  I enjoyed it a great deal.  Best of luck on winning the panties!

Kathy

Very well written, flows great, well defined characters with natural dialogue.

Story flowed nicely, with all the pieces linking together but ending felt way too fast. could do with an extra couple of pages after the challenge.

Writer,

Haha! Very good with the SS panties. Maybe one day I’ll have my own. Anyway, very good story. Liked the tension throughout, and the sparks were flying between Victor and Sofia. Not much else to add here, except that your ending could have used a better “punch” to it. I liked it a lot, don’t get me wrong, but a real kicker of a closing line would have been cool. Great work!

Steve

When I saw Victor doing his secret thing, I knew it and the three men's names must have something to do with the plot. So I kept on reading to the end. Victor's secret addiction saved him from danger.

There are three points for your consideration.

1 Try to rewrite the first few pages specially the description of the first two pages  that were too long. Don't forget it is just a 10 pages script. Each page is important.

2. Sofia was wild. What if she was gentle and Victor needed to try his best to steal her things for his addiction. It would increase dramatic elements.

3. The reason for sofia trying to kill Victor was unconvincing.

Hope this helps.

Michael

Bit of fun and I enjoyed it.

Jones/Jonesy is clearly is a reference to Alien.
Some blatant and convenient weirdness in the mix but without it, it wouldn't work I suppose.

JOHN DAVIS
Don’t worry. This isn’t a John
Grisham story. Just random
tragedies. Nothing more.

Made me chuckle.
Famous last words, Counsellor.

Forgot to say: Nice pun with the title.

Thanks to those of you who took the time to read and review!!

For those of you who don't know...the Simply Scripts thong was a thing, back in the old days. LOL

I squeezed this in with only 15 minutes to spare, so end was definitely rushed. This is the second story I've written about a panty thief. Probably cus when I was in my 20's my boyfriend at the time had a friend of his stay with us for a few days, and that wacko stole all my panties! And bras too. (clean and dirty...eww) "write what you know".

Hello,

I liked the start and middle. Didn't really feel for her suddenly swoop out a gun and threaten him - that was a bit random for me, although expected. I think you could build to it better - maybe have her more in the script, she's not a driving force there and then suddenly she is so proactive.
The ending with the cat is brilliant.
SimplyScripts references are always a plus!!

Overall it's very entertaining. I couldn't wait to see what will happen to him and his funny addiction.