SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 21st, 2024, 9:27pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Click here -> The February One Week Challenge Theme

Submit OWC scripts to Simplyscripts.com/owc

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Victor's Secret - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Victor's Secret - OWC  (currently 633 views)
Don
Posted: July 17th, 2023, 7:35am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16321
Posts Per Day
1.94
Victor's Secret by Marnie Mitchell (mmmarnie) writing as Anonymous, too - Short, Drama - A lawyer trying to beat his strange addiction, ends up needing it to save his life. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  July 24th, 2023, 2:27pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: July 17th, 2023, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1545
Posts Per Day
0.29
Ahoy writer -- Haha! Too funny. Yup, first one I read where all the parameters were met. Top-notch writing, excellent dialogue with just the right amount of humor. It did get a bit predictable towards the end but it didn't stop me from enjoying it. Not gonna nit-pick. Clearly from the mastermind of a SimplyScript veteran.

Thanks for the read. Best of Irish luck! -A



Revision History (1 edits)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  July 17th, 2023, 3:30pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 15
steven8
Posted: July 17th, 2023, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


The Ed Wood of Simply Scripts

Location
Barberton, OH
Posts
1156
Posts Per Day
0.22
I liked it.  I think it's a nice twist that the protagonist's 'issue' saved his life and caught a killer.  Plus, I'm glad Jonesy found a good home.  The dialog is good, too.


...in no particular order
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 15
Yuvraj
Posted: July 17th, 2023, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Why you wanna know?
Posts
779
Posts Per Day
0.52
To be honest, the setup was nice and the confrontation got me excited with the twist but the ending kinda fizzled out the efforts for me. IMO, the ending didn't do justice to such an exciting story.

Good luck.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 15
Grandma Bear
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 11:05am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7958
Posts Per Day
1.36
This was fun. I especially enjoyed Jonesy and the Simply Scripts thong! Nothing to complain about.  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 15
AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 18th, 2023, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4277
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thought this was good until the last couple of pages, nice characters, funny dialogue and a clever set up...

But the 'ending' fell flat for me, maybe because the 'plot' is introduced so late with little foreshadowing.

Good effort though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 15
Andrew
Posted: July 19th, 2023, 12:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1791
Posts Per Day
0.33
Well written, and I liked the pivot at the end, even if it felt a little out of the blue.

Found myself lightly skipping the read in the middle, mainly because the scope of the story started to feel a little too big for the page count.

It then sped up double quick to a neat and satisfying conclusion.

Good base if you wanted to develop in a rewrite, and a solid piece of work for a OWC.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 15
Gum
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 12:02am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Some travelling Circus...
Posts
814
Posts Per Day
0.42
A well thought out story with a good twist.

The SS Thong unfortunately only works for members who have been around this board for several years, newer members might miss the punch, but I guess the only other option would be to smash her over the head with a SS Mug full of quarters.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 15
Abe from LA
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 3:06am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Downey, California
Posts
556
Posts Per Day
0.08
Ha ha. I enjoyed the read. I preferred the first 7-8 pages as Victor
is struggling with his addiction. The ending is okay, but not quite up
to the setup.
Instead of finding a paper list, what if Sophia has the names of
her past kills printed or embroidered on the SS thong, like notches in
a gunslinger's belt.
And Victor is so enraptured by the thong that he wraps it around his face
like a mask. That's when he notices his reflection in the mirror, revealing
the names of her previous victims.
Anyway, good stuff here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 15
kcranford
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 9:43am Report to Moderator
New


Features:  Christmas Joe

Posts
342
Posts Per Day
0.64
Second read for me and definitely my second "like".  I did find the logline line a little off - couldn't put my finger on it, until I decided it was missing the major plot point.  What about something like:

"After relocating to a new city, a lawyer with a strange addiction feels compelled to act when he discovers a sinister plot involving former partners, left behind by the co-worker they’ve been dating."  

Anyway, the script is extremely well written and hits all the parameters as set out.  The "SS" panties are absolutely perfect!  I have an idea, if this script wins, I think the "prize" should be a pair of these exact panties instead of the traditional cup!  Of course, you would be required to have them featured on your Avatar LOL.

Seriously though, very nice job with this.  I enjoyed it a great deal.  Best of luck on winning the panties!

Kathy


Scripts Available:
Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama)
Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama)
Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance)
Let That Pony Run (Family Drama)
With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance)
Essex (Historical Drama)

Shorts:
Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice)
Death  (OWC)
Savior  (OWC)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 15
Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 9:56am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1738
Posts Per Day
0.89
Very well written, flows great, well defined characters with natural dialogue.

Story flowed nicely, with all the pieces linking together but ending felt way too fast. could do with an extra couple of pages after the challenge.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 15
SAC
Posted: July 20th, 2023, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3185
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Haha! Very good with the SS panties. Maybe one day I’ll have my own. Anyway, very good story. Liked the tension throughout, and the sparks were flying between Victor and Sofia. Not much else to add here, except that your ending could have used a better “punch” to it. I liked it a lot, don’t get me wrong, but a real kicker of a closing line would have been cool. Great work!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 15
MichaelYu
Posted: July 21st, 2023, 1:55am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
93
Posts Per Day
0.02
When I saw Victor doing his secret thing, I knew it and the three men's names must have something to do with the plot. So I kept on reading to the end. Victor's secret addiction saved him from danger.

There are three points for your consideration.

1 Try to rewrite the first few pages specially the description of the first two pages  that were too long. Don't forget it is just a 10 pages script. Each page is important.

2. Sofia was wild. What if she was gentle and Victor needed to try his best to steal her things for his addiction. It would increase dramatic elements.

3. The reason for sofia trying to kill Victor was unconvincing.

Hope this helps.

Michael

Revision History (1 edits)
MichaelYu  -  July 21st, 2023, 5:37am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 15
LC
Posted: July 22nd, 2023, 1:52am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7519
Posts Per Day
1.34
Bit of fun and I enjoyed it.

Jones/Jonesy is clearly is a reference to Alien.
Some blatant and convenient weirdness in the mix but without it, it wouldn't work I suppose.

JOHN DAVIS
Don’t worry. This isn’t a John
Grisham story. Just random
tragedies. Nothing more.


Made me chuckle.
Famous last words, Counsellor.

Forgot to say: Nice pun with the title.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 15
mmmarnie
Posted: July 22nd, 2023, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
1085
Posts Per Day
0.22
Thanks to those of you who took the time to read and review!!

For those of you who don't know...the Simply Scripts thong was a thing, back in the old days. LOL

I squeezed this in with only 15 minutes to spare, so end was definitely rushed. This is the second story I've written about a panty thief. Probably cus when I was in my 20's my boyfriend at the time had a friend of his stay with us for a few days, and that wacko stole all my panties! And bras too. (clean and dirty...eww) "write what you know".


boop
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 15
khamanna
Posted: July 22nd, 2023, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4181
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hello,

I liked the start and middle. Didn't really feel for her suddenly swoop out a gun and threaten him - that was a bit random for me, although expected. I think you could build to it better - maybe have her more in the script, she's not a driving force there and then suddenly she is so proactive.
The ending with the cat is brilliant.
SimplyScripts references are always a plus!!

Overall it's very entertaining. I couldn't wait to see what will happen to him and his funny addiction.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 15
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006