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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Tears in Heaven - OWC
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  Author    Tears in Heaven - OWC  (currently 693 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tears in Heaven by Matthew Taylor (Matt) writing as Eric Clapton - Short, Drama - Sometimes anguish is too much to bear. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 27th, 2023, 2:40pm
revised draft
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy Eric Clapton -- such a tragic yet beautiful song. Methinks you caught the full essence of it. It definitely tugs on your heart strings. Anywaz, it's well crafted, written... and I did enjoy it a lot. Good job. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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I've no idea why Richard needs to be forgiven - presumably he's responsible for Oscar's death. Maybe a quick flashback might tell us in another draft? You've chosen not to tell us which is fair enough, not everything has to be spelled out, but it might add another layer in pulling at the heartstrings where Richard's concerned. Hmm, those bouncy castles have caused deaths.

I was puzzled by a few things - why Oscar doesn't recognise his dad, but then does. Okay, clearly to create angst but I'm not sure it's the right choice. And why Richard doesn't just go along with it being Oscar's birthday (even if technically Oscar seems to be in limbo) when there's a big banner there and all the party gear etc.

You could do with cleaning up your opening a bit - it's  a teeny bit convoluted in description. And you seem to be allergic to apostrophes where Richard is concerned.

I don't want to bang on too much (I like fancy headers, the tears were great) and it might just be me, but your title was a bit too Horror vibe. A lighter font maybe?

Nicely done overall, just a little bit heavy-handed for me.


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PKCardinal
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely written heartfelt story of unbearable grief.

Two things stood out in a small, negative way: the jump from Oscar not recognizing him to suddenly knowing who he was without any action to explain was jarring. I'm guessing that's partly the fault of that blasted 5-page limit.

The second: He leaves his son, saying "I don't think I belong here, yet." and then he's almost immediately back with him. It just felt disjointed as a result. The line of dialogue suggests that he's not going to die. But, he does. Small detail, but it created an unintended disconnect.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, if that's the right word. Maybe better to say, overall, this was effective. Nicely done and nicely connected to the inspiration song.

Best,
Paul

P.S. One last thought...birfday was just a step too far. It somehow felt undercutting to the tone.


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Heretic
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Not my kind of thing, but I liked it well enough! Kinda like a super-condensed What Dreams May Come.

Smoothly written and easy to follow despite the generally abstract nature of the story. Very produce-able too.

I think the emotion with the central story is there, though a questionable moral in my opinion, especially without any context about the lives of these two.

The only tiny thing that bumped me, and it's tiny but big, is that I found the circumstances of the suicide attempt a little bit odd. Why there, and with what, and was it a pre-planned thing?

The characters are well-sketched but I could have used a bit more personality from the Keeper, potentially -- the only role of the three that feels one-note, although he does at least make a dramatic decision. But I did find myself wondering if his sympathy would really come so easily -- this might be a moment to find a more character-specific reason that the Keeper chooses to let Richard in.

Overall nice work.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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It's an interesting concept and one that I've actually toyed with (storywise) -- can someone have so much grief over the loss of a loved one that they will take their own life in order to be with them?  A lot that can be done with that idea, I think.

I guess I was confused about a couple of things, and those have already been brought up so I won't rehash them, and I would address those in a re-write. I liked the dialogue between father and son.  Felt pretty natural.

Easily filmed and with a rewrite, this could do very well from a filming perspective.

Good effort here.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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SAC
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 4:08am Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I wanted to like this one more than I did. The subject is very grim and, imo, could have used a setting that wasn’t as surreal as it was. It actually made it kind of creepy, along with the character Keeper, who only added to it. The power of a fathers love for his son is not lost on me, but how Richard comes to join his son is also fairly morbid. Then again, maybe that’s what you were going for all along. Still, a well done effort.

Steve


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Shakespeare on Toast
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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The love of a father for his child son is most prominent with this script. Blaming himself for his son's death is a kinda accu-slant on Eric Clapton's failure to protect his son when he fell out of a window. However, to attempt his suicide through guilt doesn't quite work for me.

A little bit awkward for me having met Eric early in his career.

Nothing wrong with the writing IMO. Just emotive I'd say.


“Asking for comments can sometimes be a disaster .”
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kcranford
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Ok writer, you've done it here. I'm a sobbing mess again.  I didn't realize Eric Clapton's son had died at a young age, but now I'm going to have to go and find the song and listen.  This is so touching, a very well written story delving into the gray area between life and death.  You only had a few short pages to work within, but you succeeded in pulling me into their world.  Excellent.  Thanks so much for sharing.  I will remember this one for a good while.  Wishing you much luck with it.

Kathy

ETA:  I know that song!  Very popular back when - I just never knew it was about his son.  How tragic.  Good choice of song and story creation to go along with it - loved it.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I knew what the village hall represented, but it felt out of place as the destination to set this in (for me anyway), same with the birthday element, especially when Richard said it wasn't Oscar's birthday.

But it still packed an emotional resonance for me. Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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ColinS
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

Reading the comments and now knowing that Eric had lost his son so tragically does add an extra layer of sadness to this already poignant tale.

Touching and well-written - but maybe an ambitious narrative for a 5-page limit. Maybe 10 pages could fill in those gaps - How did Oscar sadly pass? Why does Richard Blame himself?

Funny that we got one script set in Heaven and another set in Hell.

Engaged all the way, good work.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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Arundel
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Was able to pick up on the fact that the main character was having an afterlife vision about halfway through, but that didn't detract anything. Good interpretation of the title. Wasn't really in the mood for a tearjerker type of story, but for those who are, it's a winner.  
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Abe from LA
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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This is a poignant story because of its history.
So sad for Eric and his family and fans.
I liked much of the tone and the writing here was generally pretty good. Like the
others, I have questions and reservations.
Maybe I'm mistaken, but it seems Oscar is in limbo and I don't know
why the Keeper allowed Richard to pass.  To me, it would work better if
the gates separated Richard and Oscar. Richard should feel he's so close,
yet is so far from his son.
Richard can observe from his side of the gates.
Once Oscar is tired of playing, all alone in this lively yet strange and empty
existence, does he find himself alone and confused.
I can see the boy approaching Richard for some treats and then recognizes his
father — but they can never hug and reunite. That comes later.

The end suicide thing didn't work for me. Richard's sin should not be rewarded.
How about a time jump when Richard is older and at death's door. Then the Keeper
gladly allows him to pass.

Anyway, you definitely struck a chord with this song and story. Your effort is worth
a reimagine and rewrite.  Good job and good luck.
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D.A.Banaszak
Posted: September 14th, 2023, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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Spoiler alert.
You did a good job of capturing the essence of the song. There’s nothing worse than the world losing a child. That alone made this a heartbreaking story.

I didn’t quite interpret that the child died in a bouncy castle on his birthday. I looked at it as Heaven through the eyes of a child: It’s his Birthday all the time.

As Libby pointed out, it would have been nice to know what Richard did but it wasn’t totally necessary. I just assumed it was something similar to what inspired the song:  an accident that Richard felt responsible for even if he wasn’t.

I also agree with Libby about the title page.
While I am a big fan of graphics on a title page, that font has way too much of a horror vide to it. It’s the heaviness of the font along with the curves that’s wrong. You would have been better served with a light script font like a greeting card. Another suggestion would be to use a font called Kids. With that, I would have been a heartbroken mess before I got to page one.

Another problem with the graphics is, it does not look like tears, it looks like blood. Part of it is the darkness of the drops but also the heaviness. Tears are long and thin. Blood drops look like, well... what’s on your title page.

Lastly, I agree with Abe about the suicide. I like his suggested ending better.


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Kevin_L
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 1:55am Report to Moderator
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Writer,  

This was a nice, emotional story.  Just by the song choice, I figured it was going to be.     I'm guessing Oscar didn't know him as his dad the first time because Richard wasn't "completely" dead since he came back to life.  I say that because I'm loosely basing it off the Bible when it talks about no more pain.   Richard had to be beyond saving for Oscar to see him as dad again.  

Take care.
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