SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is April 13th, 2024, 7:24am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Tears in Heaven - OWC
Users Browsing Forum
Lgould and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Tears in Heaven - OWC  (currently 736 views)
Don
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16407
Posts Per Day
1.93
Tears in Heaven by Matthew Taylor (Matt) writing as Eric Clapton - Short, Drama - Sometimes anguish is too much to bear. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 27th, 2023, 2:40pm
revised draft
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
A helluva long way from LA
Posts
1565
Posts Per Day
0.29
Ahoy Eric Clapton -- such a tragic yet beautiful song. Methinks you caught the full essence of it. It definitely tugs on your heart strings. Anywaz, it's well crafted, written... and I did enjoy it a lot. Good job. Best of Irish luck! _ghostie gal


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 23
LC
Posted: September 10th, 2023, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7611
Posts Per Day
1.34
I've no idea why Richard needs to be forgiven - presumably he's responsible for Oscar's death. Maybe a quick flashback might tell us in another draft? You've chosen not to tell us which is fair enough, not everything has to be spelled out, but it might add another layer in pulling at the heartstrings where Richard's concerned. Hmm, those bouncy castles have caused deaths.

I was puzzled by a few things - why Oscar doesn't recognise his dad, but then does. Okay, clearly to create angst but I'm not sure it's the right choice. And why Richard doesn't just go along with it being Oscar's birthday (even if technically Oscar seems to be in limbo) when there's a big banner there and all the party gear etc.

You could do with cleaning up your opening a bit - it's  a teeny bit convoluted in description. And you seem to be allergic to apostrophes where Richard is concerned.

I don't want to bang on too much (I like fancy headers, the tears were great) and it might just be me, but your title was a bit too Horror vibe. A lighter font maybe?

Nicely done overall, just a little bit heavy-handed for me.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 23
PKCardinal
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 3:41pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Nicely written heartfelt story of unbearable grief.

Two things stood out in a small, negative way: the jump from Oscar not recognizing him to suddenly knowing who he was without any action to explain was jarring. I'm guessing that's partly the fault of that blasted 5-page limit.

The second: He leaves his son, saying "I don't think I belong here, yet." and then he's almost immediately back with him. It just felt disjointed as a result. The line of dialogue suggests that he's not going to die. But, he does. Small detail, but it created an unintended disconnect.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, if that's the right word. Maybe better to say, overall, this was effective. Nicely done and nicely connected to the inspiration song.

Best,
Paul

P.S. One last thought...birfday was just a step too far. It somehow felt undercutting to the tone.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 23
Heretic
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
SPOILERS

Not my kind of thing, but I liked it well enough! Kinda like a super-condensed What Dreams May Come.

Smoothly written and easy to follow despite the generally abstract nature of the story. Very produce-able too.

I think the emotion with the central story is there, though a questionable moral in my opinion, especially without any context about the lives of these two.

The only tiny thing that bumped me, and it's tiny but big, is that I found the circumstances of the suicide attempt a little bit odd. Why there, and with what, and was it a pre-planned thing?

The characters are well-sketched but I could have used a bit more personality from the Keeper, potentially -- the only role of the three that feels one-note, although he does at least make a dramatic decision. But I did find myself wondering if his sympathy would really come so easily -- this might be a moment to find a more character-specific reason that the Keeper chooses to let Richard in.

Overall nice work.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 23
Gary in Houston
Posted: September 11th, 2023, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
It's an interesting concept and one that I've actually toyed with (storywise) -- can someone have so much grief over the loss of a loved one that they will take their own life in order to be with them?  A lot that can be done with that idea, I think.

I guess I was confused about a couple of things, and those have already been brought up so I won't rehash them, and I would address those in a re-write. I liked the dialogue between father and son.  Felt pretty natural.

Easily filmed and with a rewrite, this could do very well from a filming perspective.

Good effort here.


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 23
SAC
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 4:08am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.78
Writer,

I wanted to like this one more than I did. The subject is very grim and, imo, could have used a setting that wasn’t as surreal as it was. It actually made it kind of creepy, along with the character Keeper, who only added to it. The power of a fathers love for his son is not lost on me, but how Richard comes to join his son is also fairly morbid. Then again, maybe that’s what you were going for all along. Still, a well done effort.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 23
Stoneyscripts
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 6:28am Report to Moderator
New


Pushing boundaries

Location
London. England
Posts
290
Posts Per Day
0.46
The love of a father for his child son is most prominent with this script. Blaming himself for his son's death is a kinda accu-slant on Eric Clapton's failure to protect his son when he fell out of a window. However, to attempt his suicide through guilt doesn't quite work for me.

A little bit awkward for me having met Eric early in his career.

Nothing wrong with the writing IMO. Just emotive I'd say.


My Screenplays
Two Moons
The Deadly Fruit Of Original Sin
The Blue Room
No Time For Love
The Implosion Resistance
The Pearl Earring
The Bigger The Storm
Before She Died

And many many more...
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 23
kcranford
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
New


Features:  Christmas Joe

Posts
369
Posts Per Day
0.63
Ok writer, you've done it here. I'm a sobbing mess again.  I didn't realize Eric Clapton's son had died at a young age, but now I'm going to have to go and find the song and listen.  This is so touching, a very well written story delving into the gray area between life and death.  You only had a few short pages to work within, but you succeeded in pulling me into their world.  Excellent.  Thanks so much for sharing.  I will remember this one for a good while.  Wishing you much luck with it.

Kathy

ETA:  I know that song!  Very popular back when - I just never knew it was about his son.  How tragic.  Good choice of song and story creation to go along with it - loved it.


Scripts Available:
Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama)
Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama)
Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance)
Let That Pony Run (Family Drama)
With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance)
Essex (Historical Drama)

Shorts:
Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice)
Death  (OWC)
Savior  (OWC)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 23
AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 12th, 2023, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4320
Posts Per Day
1.14
I knew what the village hall represented, but it felt out of place as the destination to set this in (for me anyway), same with the birthday element, especially when Richard said it wasn't Oscar's birthday.

But it still packed an emotional resonance for me. Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 23
ColinS
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 6:43am Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Serve the Public Trust

Location
UK
Posts
241
Posts Per Day
0.24
Hey Writer,

Reading the comments and now knowing that Eric had lost his son so tragically does add an extra layer of sadness to this already poignant tale.

Touching and well-written - but maybe an ambitious narrative for a 5-page limit. Maybe 10 pages could fill in those gaps - How did Oscar sadly pass? Why does Richard Blame himself?

Funny that we got one script set in Heaven and another set in Hell.

Engaged all the way, good work.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 23
Arundel
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 11:45am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Las Vegas, Nevada
Posts
265
Posts Per Day
0.15
Was able to pick up on the fact that the main character was having an afterlife vision about halfway through, but that didn't detract anything. Good interpretation of the title. Wasn't really in the mood for a tearjerker type of story, but for those who are, it's a winner.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 23
Abe from LA
Posted: September 13th, 2023, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Downey, California
Posts
556
Posts Per Day
0.08
This is a poignant story because of its history.
So sad for Eric and his family and fans.
I liked much of the tone and the writing here was generally pretty good. Like the
others, I have questions and reservations.
Maybe I'm mistaken, but it seems Oscar is in limbo and I don't know
why the Keeper allowed Richard to pass.  To me, it would work better if
the gates separated Richard and Oscar. Richard should feel he's so close,
yet is so far from his son.
Richard can observe from his side of the gates.
Once Oscar is tired of playing, all alone in this lively yet strange and empty
existence, does he find himself alone and confused.
I can see the boy approaching Richard for some treats and then recognizes his
father — but they can never hug and reunite. That comes later.

The end suicide thing didn't work for me. Richard's sin should not be rewarded.
How about a time jump when Richard is older and at death's door. Then the Keeper
gladly allows him to pass.

Anyway, you definitely struck a chord with this song and story. Your effort is worth
a reimagine and rewrite.  Good job and good luck.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 23
D.A.Banaszak
Posted: September 14th, 2023, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Northeast, kind of.
Posts
207
Posts Per Day
0.46
Spoiler alert.
You did a good job of capturing the essence of the song. There’s nothing worse than the world losing a child. That alone made this a heartbreaking story.

I didn’t quite interpret that the child died in a bouncy castle on his birthday. I looked at it as Heaven through the eyes of a child: It’s his Birthday all the time.

As Libby pointed out, it would have been nice to know what Richard did but it wasn’t totally necessary. I just assumed it was something similar to what inspired the song:  an accident that Richard felt responsible for even if he wasn’t.

I also agree with Libby about the title page.
While I am a big fan of graphics on a title page, that font has way too much of a horror vide to it. It’s the heaviness of the font along with the curves that’s wrong. You would have been better served with a light script font like a greeting card. Another suggestion would be to use a font called Kids. With that, I would have been a heartbroken mess before I got to page one.

Another problem with the graphics is, it does not look like tears, it looks like blood. Part of it is the darkness of the drops but also the heaviness. Tears are long and thin. Blood drops look like, well... what’s on your title page.

Lastly, I agree with Abe about the suicide. I like his suggested ending better.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 23
Kevin_L
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 1:55am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
142
Posts Per Day
0.02
Writer,  

This was a nice, emotional story.  Just by the song choice, I figured it was going to be.     I'm guessing Oscar didn't know him as his dad the first time because Richard wasn't "completely" dead since he came back to life.  I say that because I'm loosely basing it off the Bible when it talks about no more pain.   Richard had to be beyond saving for Oscar to see him as dad again.  

Take care.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 23
Pleb
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 11:10am Report to Moderator
New


Location
UK
Posts
444
Posts Per Day
0.15
Other than the title font, this is the best one I’ve read so far.

Excellent stuff!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 15 - 23
Rob
Posted: September 15th, 2023, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
218
Posts Per Day
0.11
This is an effective script. Hard not to feel emotion when little Oscar's lip quivers. I liked the line "For-bidd-en" and the T-shirt Oscar-saurus. Who are Oscar and Richard leaving behind, and will they be happy in heaven without them?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 20th, 2023, 3:54am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88
Thanks all for the comments.

Some general responses to comments:

- Yes the font sucks, It was the first one I tried and then work got busy so couldn't go back and change.

- There is no story reason for why Oscar doesn't recognize his dad at first. It's heaven and the kid has obviously gone through a traumatic event, so I figured why the hell not. But it does represent the "Would you know my name?" lyric in which Clapton was expressing his fear that his son wouldn't recognize him in heaven.


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
Spoiler alert.
I didn’t quite interpret that the child died in a bouncy castle on his birthday. I looked at it as Heaven through the eyes of a child: It’s his Birthday all the time.

As Libby pointed out, it would have been nice to know what Richard did but it wasn’t totally necessary. I just assumed it was something similar to what inspired the song:  an accident that Richard felt responsible for even if he wasn’t.


Bingo. His birthday party is his heaven. I did have a bigger exchange between the two where the father says something like "You always wished it was your birthday everyday"

And yes, the father did not do anything. Parental survivor guilt is the reason he is apologizing.


Quoted from PKCardinal

The second: He leaves his son, saying "I don't think I belong here, yet." and then he's almost immediately back with him. It just felt disjointed as a result. The line of dialogue suggests that he's not going to die. But, he does. Small detail, but it created an unintended disconnect.
.


Thanks PK, you are right. This comment gave me the idea for a new ending....


Quoted from Abe from LA

The end suicide thing didn't work for me. Richard's sin should not be rewarded.
How about a time jump when Richard is older and at death's door. Then the Keeper
gladly allows him to pass.


... which Abe also came up with. Thanking you.

The new ending will be that when he returns, we have indeed time jumped and he comes back as an old man, with healed scars (still wearing the daddy-saurus tshirt though   ), keeper lets him past and Oscar shouts "Daddy" as he enters, waiting for him. So even though for Richard, a lot of time has past, he has never forgotten about his son.

It also plays into Clapton's lyrics better "I don't belong here in heaven" which was him acknowledging that he can't grieve forever and has to find a way to move forward.

The rest is still under a rewrite.


Quoted from D.A.Banaszak
Blood drops look like, well... what’s on your title page.


It was actually supposed to be blood. Here is how the conversation went in my head:
"People will think it is tears, because, y'know, but then they will read the script and realize it's actually BLOOD from the slit wrists... double meaning title page drips... fuck I am a genius!!!"
... I am not a genius.


Quoted from Heretic
SPOILERS
The only tiny thing that bumped me, and it's tiny but big, is that I found the circumstances of the suicide attempt a little bit odd. Why there, and with what, and was it a pre-planned thing?


It was purely for dramatic purposes. I quite liked the contrast of Richard and Keeper coming face to face, one in a black funeral suit, the other in a bright white. Then later him lying next to a Childs coffin.
As for Richards reasons for doing then and there, who knows. Spur of the moment when stricken with grief maybe? Pre-planned because he knew it was the last time he would be physically close to his son?... Think I'll leave it open ended for now.


Anyhoo, thanks all for the comments  


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: September 28th, 2023, 4:22am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88
Revised script is up (thanks Don) if anyone is interested.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 18 - 23
kcranford
Posted: September 29th, 2023, 11:46am Report to Moderator
New


Features:  Christmas Joe

Posts
369
Posts Per Day
0.63
I read this one again with pleasure, Matthew. Such a beautiful, well laid out story. Love it.
FWIW, I did spot a small typo on page 6 “Richard struggles in vein”. Should be “vain”. Anyway thanks for posting the revised version. Wishing you much luck with this short that really pulls at the heartstrings.

Kathy


Scripts Available:
Christmas Joe (Holiday Drama)
Every Time It Snows (Holiday Drama)
Happy Holi-DNA (Holiday Romance)
Let That Pony Run (Family Drama)
With Love, From Romance (Holiday Romance)
Essex (Historical Drama)

Shorts:
Santuario (OWC Writers' Choice)
Death  (OWC)
Savior  (OWC)
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 23
PKCardinal
Posted: September 29th, 2023, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Good stuff. I like the changes.

Although, I think it might be even stronger if the son doesn't recognize him at all in the first go round. So, when he's recognized as "Daddy!" at the end, it's even more of a punch in the gut.

You could even keep all of the existing dialogue (minus the dad references and the "I love you.") It shows Oscar as a good kid if he's concerned about why the stranger is sad.

It works like this, though, too. Really strong.

Couple of typos, in addition to "vein." It's should be its on page one. There's a capitalization error on page six to start the second sentence.

Super strong short. Excellent work.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: October 2nd, 2023, 3:31am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88
Thank you both for reading again   glad you liked it.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 23
AndyJ
Posted: December 19th, 2023, 8:30am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
120
Posts Per Day
0.07
I really liked it and it actually made me cry. I think people over think it sometimes with scripts. I just think if it tells a good story that's what's important. I think this worked really well.



Revision History (1 edits)
AndyJ  -  December 20th, 2023, 7:41am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 23
Matthew Taylor
Posted: December 21st, 2023, 6:49am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.88

Quoted from AndyJ
I really liked it and it actually made me cry. I think people over think it sometimes with scripts. I just think if it tells a good story that's what's important. I think this worked really well.


Thanks for the read. Makes me happy that my script elicited some emotions in you.



Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 23
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006