Sloshbuckler by A Member - Short, Horror - A young woman is forced into a fight for her life with an unexpected intruder. 6 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - doc, format

This one was pretty cool. My only real bad mark was that it was more of a comedy than a horror in my opinion, but nevertheless, pretty good stuff. The shooting and milk pouring out I thought was awesome. The swiss cheese door, and of course him animating out of the milk were cool too.

Well...

SPOILERS...

That was surreal. It was kinda neat I suppose and pretty inventive but I wasn't, you know, enthralled in it. I loved the 'bucklers dialogue, the way it flowed and the way I imagined him saying it. It was a little to easy though. Samantha didn't seem real to me... seeing a guy appear from a carton of milk and, indeed, from milk itself would make me either faint, be extremely terrified or, I don't know, I guess I might just stand there and watch.

It was very creative though. I haven't read anything like it and it was well written I think. I liked this one overall. Being that this is the first OWC scipt I've read, I can immediately tell that this challenge is gonna be weird.

Jamie

The dialogue in this script was the most stand out feature. That was done very well, but this script was just a bunch of cliche situations. maybe that was the point?

Either way a good, well formatted read.

This one had a creative premise.  Very orginal - sort of a take off on the genie in the bottle thing.  I'm not sure though that the execution was at the same level.  This felt kind of rushed, which I guess makes sence with this sort of exercise, but still I feel it needs to be pointed out.  As a first draft this has potential.  Not very scary but we are casting a pretty wide net here with this horror genre.  A parody like this has merit.

My only suggestion, other than streamlining some of your descriptions, would be to flesh out your protagonist a little better.  Really we know virtually nothing about her.  If we knew something about her character then we could see any growth that she undergoes.  Also, just my opinion, but the villian should be more menacing.  Nice ending though.  That was a good payoff.

I loved the Swashbuckler's dialogue. That was probably the thing that stood out most for me. The rest of the dialogue was fantastic also. I really thought Samantha was a real goner toward the end, but when the police shot the SB, and the milk came out of his wounds, I thought was well done. It started out cliché, with the rain and the thunder and the girl teenager. But did the Swashbuckler come from the milk puddle or did she release his spirit or something? Or did I miss something?

Oh well, it was fun!

Sean

P.S. Jordan I love your avatar. 'Alien' is one of the best movies.

Slosh, slosh...I miss more thing about Samantha...

It seemed like as part of a dream, inside a complet story, like this: after her mom scolded at her, because she wont to drink milk, Samantha dreamed that she waked up, went to the kitchen, took a carton of milk from the fridge and so on...blah, blah and waked up frightened.

Anyway, nice job!

BTW, don't ask me who wrote this because I'll never discover who did that

This concept is quite original but its execution falls a little bit short. A little more explanation about the Swashbuckler (his motivations, his backstory) wouldn’t hurt. Right now the plot seems a little bit incomplete. Loved his dialogue tough; as other readers have mentioned, this was one of the strengths of this script.

You could work a little bit more on the horror department; the horror scene you’ve got seems mainly like a typical slasher scene, and I think that the Swashbuckler could give us more than that (like when he appears solidifying from spilled milk).

Some descriptions could be tightened, as mjg mentioned before me. Just an example:

“SAMANTHA, a young girl, about 18, enters INTO FRAME and proceeds to open the refrigerator door.”

Could be:

“SAMANTHA ( 18 ) enters  and opens the refrigerator door.”

And use V.O. for phone conversations, not O.S.

I believe that with a little more time and work, this premise (which is a good one) could fully show its potential.

Hey.

I think the absurdity of this script, a zorro pirate assasin with a long sword materializing from a spilled milk carton trying to steal a teenagers heart, were directly contrasted by the kind of creepy slasherness, the 'buckler cutting the phone lines, breaking through the door, and the girl climbing out the window.  I haven't decided if this is a good contrast yet, but when i do I'll let you know.

But in any case that uncertainty shouldnt be there, so its probably bad.   In that case I think you should steer this more towards the absurd, you seem to have a stronger build there, but in order to do that you would need to steer away from the contests genre....

Anyway, it was amusing, so thanks.

-Tyler

I was awaiting The Sloshbuckler to come out with a number of words beginning with V lmao. The overall character of The Sloshbuckler, with his englishness, reminded me of V for Vendetta. The thing about the script though was that i actually liked The Sloshbuckler but hated the main character who was trying to escape.

It was like a bad mask of Zorro, with a little V for Vendetta amalgamated plus a bit of Scream (which i didn't like). I wanted The Sloshbuckler to do things more classier which would suit his overall character, than just chasing her around the place.

I liked some of the dialogue, but certain errors - which didn't really do any harm - need changed. For example when she's on the phone, (VO)

                                                     Was not bad though.
                                                     With some polishing could be a lot better.
                                                                         Robert.

SPOILERS

I was wondering if anyone would write a script about the missing person on the carton, but this went one step further than what I expected.
I really liked the ending of this one, but after reading it I was left with two questions.

How did he get into the milk in the first place?
And
Why did he need a heart?

Cindy


  

****SPOILERS*****

Interesting.

P1 - INTO FRAME - This direction is completely unnecessary and only pulls the reader out of the story.

Do they put missing adults on milk cartons? I thought they only put children on them.

“Horrified” or a similar word in meaning might be a better description of Samantha than “understanding the gravity of the situation.” When your mortgage payment is late, you “understand the gravity of the situation.” When a man forms out of milk and tells you he’s going to cut out your heart, you’re “horrified.”

P2 - cut my heart out of my chest - is the “of my chest” necessary? Where else would he cut the heart out of?

The first thing a 911 dispatcher asks is your name. They can usually find your address with that information and simply verify it. Not that giving the address is not feasible but they would definitely ask your name first.

Why does a swashbuckler automatically know where the phone line junction box is? Wouldn’t this technology be foreign to him?

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to be in the middle of a high action scene like a swashbuckler trying to break through a door and stop so he can sharpen his sword. No one is going to want to watch him sharpen his sword. That would be like Stormtroopers stopping for a cigarette break in the middle of penetrating the door to Princess Leia’s ship.

How would we know Samantha’s leg is broken? One scene she’s running. The next she’s crawling. We hear it but we need to see it here, I think.

The question of why the man is on the milk carton is never answered. Since modern milk cartons didn’t exist in his era, it would be interesting to learn how they became connected.

You get some points for creativity, though. A swashbuckler who forms out of milk is certainly new. The “chase a teenage girl through the house” is perhaps a bit of a beaten path and I can’t see pantaloons replacing the chalky Michael Meyers mask but swords and swashbucklers are welcome in darn near anything. So good idea there.

Brea

okay... this one i really liked. It was so creative. Milk flying out of holes in the body like holes in a milk can. I could visualize it. Great job!

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

I agree with just about all the comments made so far.  One thing, though...to the best of my knowledge, they no longer put missing children or anyone else on milk cartons, so this would have to take place in a time that they did.

The villain dies way too easily.  I'd like to see a scarier hunt of cat and mouse.  Plus, like others, I want to know how in the heck did a swashbuckler get involved with being trapped inside milk?  A curse by a his dying milk maid lover after he attacked her in a jealous rage or what?

The concept is very original, I liked the touches of humor, especially "lactose prison" although I wonder how a swashbuckler would know what lactose is

Great idea, just needs some more thought, background, detail on the execution.

Some valid criticisms have been made, but the premise is definitely original.

This would have been scarier if the Swashbuckler's comments weren't so funny. It was incredibly difficult to take him seriously because of not only what he said but when he said it. The idea here was okay, and it played out simply and logically, but it fell off the horror wagon every time he opened his mouth.

In addition, you had one confusing point where Samantha is on the roof, and then after a cut to another scene and back, she's on the ground with a broken leg. We don't need to hear the crack, but you could have at least shown the fall from the roof before the cut away.

So not the worst script ever, but it could use a little work.

what's it say about a story when the most interesting part is the bad guys dialogue?  

Oh well....

Nice visuals with the guy coming out of the milk carton, as well as his "dissolving" at the end.

Weird story that seemed to go more for jokes than horror.

But Pantaloons rule!  

Yeah, I liked this actually, but I think perhaps more than I would if I weren't reading it in the middle of a bunch of other shorts.  As a stand alone work, it doesn't have any character motivation or arc, so it's not really that interesting.

Buckler's dialogue was superb and the tone was great though.  Reminded me of John de Lancie's "Q" of Star Trek: TNG in a way.

I'm here.  Sorry for the delay in responding.  Car trouble ate up most of the weekend.

I'll try to reply to everyone's comments, but it appears everyone has Halloween Costume aliases today.   I'm going to go with all original alias names.

I believe the first is from sryknows.  Yeah it does play kind of like a comedy.  I have to admit, I was disappointed at the genre as I know absolutely nothing about horror movies.  I don't watch them and wouldn't know what the elements of a good one are.  But I wanted to participate and get some feedback on writing style at least.

Jamie, Very valid point on what Samantha's reaction would be.  I just decided to go with interrogation.

Ape, I don't think the cliche situations were the point.  I was simply trying to build tension and desperation.  I am not well versed in horror devices at all.

Jordan, I wasn't outright trying to parody a horror film, but I did want my choice of antagonist to border on the absurd.  I guess its another manifestation of my perception of horror scenarios.

mgj, Yes this was certainly rushed in a way.  I kind of free-form wrote it.  I didn't do a scene outline like I've done and am doing on my other projects.  I've been told that in my other short I could use some more back story for my protagonists.  I'll have to work on that.

Sean, What I was going for with the Swashbuckler coming out of the milk puddle would be similar to the scene in Terminator 2 when the Evil Terminator is blasted into a million little drops that come back together and re-form him from the feet up.  It is actually him as opposed to a spirit.  As I think about it, I'm not sure he couldn't just form while in the carton.  I guess that wouldn't be any fun.  

Mr. Z, Thanks for hitting again on backstory.  Also, I will change those improper formatting errors.

Robert, Someone else said that this reminded them of V for Vendetta.   Amazingly, I've never seen that, so it wasn't an influence.  Never saw Scream or Mask of Zorro either.

Cindy,  I guess those things weren't addressed well.  Thanks for the questions, they are important things to consider.

Brea, Thanks for all the very valid points.  Understanding the gravity of the situation is probably a little too wordy and doesn't get the real point across.  I agree that it wouldn't hurt to have a falling off the wet roof scene.  Thanks.

Spencer, glad you liked it!

Donna, I suppose this story could take place any time that had phones and missing people on milk cartons.  If I had more time, I would probably add at least one more incident of near death and evading capture like you said.

Wesley, Glad you thought his comments were funny.  Unfortunately that would side of make the film not scary.  I guess I was going for arrogance and got ridiculous.

Heretic, You are right about story arc.  What are the real consequences?  Samantha doesn't really develop in any way.  Interesting comparison to Q.  The smugness I would say is inherent in the swashbuckler as well.

Someone on here originally posted that they were almost certain they knew who wrote it.  I don't see that up here anymore and I can't remember who said it.  Were you right?

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this.  I hope that I read by chance some or all of your submissions when I was reading and reviewing the others.

Quoted from rjw8625 Someone on here originally posted that they were almost certain they knew who wrote it.  I don't see that up here anymore and I can't remember who said it.  Were you right?

Someone thought it was that amazing writer Tyler "Higgonaitor" Higgins, but they were all wrong.

BTW, I laughed so hard at this story, milk shot out of my nose! Zing!

Quoted from rjw8625 Someone on here originally posted that they were almost certain they knew who wrote it.  I don't see that up here anymore and I can't remember who said it.  Were you right?

That was me.  And I wasn't.  I thought it was Monette -- mainly because of some idiosyncrasies in the dialogue -- that, and the whole "pirate" thing in general.

Quoted from rjw8625 I'm here.  Sorry for the delay in responding.

I deleted my comments because I didn't recognize the name -- and I've even read "Can Grab" haha.

Sorry, man.  Few things bug me more than people who play in the OWE and don't read stories.

If I recall, I said I liked this one because it was unique amongst these stories, but that your female hero came to grips with all the weirdness going on in her kitchen far too quickly.

I felt she should have spent a little more time conversing with the Swashbuckler character near the beginning of the story -- as he was actually a likable character with good dialogue.

Nice job on this one, and sorry about the delete!  My bad.....but now you have a fresh, new post haha.

Hey Bob don't need to say thank you for my comments, dude!

Funny story (maybe too funny) and that's the main problem. Sorry, but IMHO the horror wasn't present here. I won't repeat everyone comments, but I found myself a bit unsatisfied at the end. As DJ pointed out, the villain dies too easily. You could make him die as you wrote and the milk is pouring the house sewer hole. Then, down the sewers system, we could hear the Sloshbuckler's laugh or something like that. Anyway, it's well written and agreeable to read.

Michel

Bert,

Thanks for reposting.  I have a pretty generic name...
I guess its not a good thing for a supposed horror film if the villain is more likeable than the protagonist.  I was going for more of the typical swashbuckler arrogance.  I also was in too much of a hurry to get to the tension build as evidenced by all the comments either lamenting lack of backstory or lack of adequate reaction by Samantha.

Helio,

MOVED to The Cab's Tale.

-Roberto

I just read through this thread and was surprised that I had not posted anything. This was the third script I read of all the OWE scripts. The title lured me right away.

If I still remember correctly I thought this one was pretty good. It wasn't scary, but I thought the idea of a "swashbuckler" appearing out of the milk was definitely unique and I loved his dialogue.

I also remember being surprised and reading over twice, the part where the girl breaks her arm (or leg, don't remember now). It just happened without you letting the reader now about it.

Sorry I didn't post until now, I honestly thought I had.

Good job!

Pia

This script needed some sort of explanation.  The title character just shows up out of the milk and we're expected to accept that?  Characterization was good, however.


Phil