Yeah well I mean this was pretty good.  The descriptions were good and it was fun once we got into it but I really think that this could lose a couple pages.  I found my eyes drifting down the page sometimes because there were such long scenes to which the ending seemed obvious.

Still, there was something eerie about the story.  Points on that.  It created an interesting mood.  I just think it needs to be tightened a lot.

Nice, straightforward story.  The simple act of a man entering a creepy house can be told many different ways and never seems to lose its effect.

I liked the voice-over narration.  It was effective how you had him speak in past tense throughout.  I wonder though if you should have stopped the narration once he entered the house, that way by bringing us into the present with him, it would have heightened the tension factor a few degrees, I think.  

I also like the fact that there was no supernatural explanation for the cat's behaviour.  That would have ruined it for me so good job.  Cats are pretty sinister on their own anyway.

BTW the beginning didn't feel slow or out of place for me.  I like how you took the time to established a character.  

Just got done with this one and I’m surprised by other people’s comments.

First off, words seemed to be missing or out of place in your dialogue and descriptions. This makes things difficult for the reader. Unfortunately, the voice-overs weren’t really effective either. They seemed dull and some didn’t even further the story. The ending didn’t really help things. This felt rushed and undeveloped.


-Zavier

Wow, not bad at all. You quickly establish a character and then throw him into a weird situation. The suspense in the house was well done and left me curious as to what was going to happen next. I suspected the state of the woman, but her fate was clever. You've got the "gross-out" factor, and then a little chase scene. You hit the elements of a nice horror flick.

Some of the voiceovers came at odd, and occasionally unnecessary, times. You use the word "real" a bit much at the beginning (or so it felt like; I can remember twice). I don't have a problem with voiceover, but you've got to only use it to quickly tell what might take too long to show. There is also no need to state that the cats are everywhere, since we can see that they are everywhere.

You also pulled my number one pet peeve: someone entering a house that doesn't belong to them. I find this one a little easier to believe than some because it was apparent that there was a problem and someone might need help (as evidenced by the multiple milk bottles in the cat hole), but I was still irked by it.

I also give you props for your two-fold use of the word "pussy" in reference to your synopsis, and your milkman's character. That was very clever.

But even with these shortcomings, I still thought this was one of the better ones so far...but then, it's only the fourth one I've read, too.

First of all, thank you to everyone above for the interest you took to read my story.

About the logline: I'm not good in loglines, but never I wanted to be offensive. I love women (as persons) and if you could take time to read my scripts I've never been machist of offensive in any kind. It was just a joke (maybe a bad one) but only a joke. After all, the logline perfectly sets to the character.  

About the story: It was inspired by a true story

http://www.ogrish.com/archives/woman_eaten_by_her_own_cats_Feb_09_2004.html

It's true the story was a bit messy. I started it with a hommage to Monty Python (the Milkman's affair) and ended it with the "Psycho" house and tried to mix them all. The VO and the end was inspired by "Sunset Boulevard". Maybe it would need to be cut a bit, but I just wanted to settle an atmosphere.

Anyway, thanks again. And sorry for the logline.

Michel

Quoted from RobertSpence Also the boss is called Casper..Is this some sort of clue that ghosts will be invloved in the story or that the boss is as white as a ghost? Or just a silly name...

About the boss' name Casper, it's was just a fun name regarding Casper Milquetoast. That's why he named his small company Milk'n'Toast.

Quoted from RobertSpence Why did you put your name on the script??

It wasn't my name, but there again, a fun name:

Walt N. O'Thor = What an author

Thought it was obvious. Well, it wasn't...

Michel

Hi Michel.  I still have a few more of these stories to look at, and I’ve finally worked my way around to this one…the one with “the logline”.  Aside from the other problems that Breanne has already touched upon, it also gives away far too much of the story.

I mean, I did know what you meant, and I could predict where this story was going.

I liked this story, but my principle complaint is that there is a bit too much V.O. for me.  Especially when he is delivering the milk to the old lady, walking through her house and making his grisly discoveries.

Those scenes didn’t really need any dialogue at all.  The mewing of cats would have been sound enough, I think.  But that is a matter of personal taste, of course.  It does suit the tone of the story, I suppose -- but I still contend they could use a trim.

One of the things I’ve noticed is a distinct improvement in your English from you earliest scripts.  I wonder if this site had anything to do with that?  Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I’ve noticed.  However, I have absolutely no idea what “swaying like a mollusk” is supposed to mean.

In fact, sometimes you might even get a little too fancy.  Words like moiré, damask, balustrade, and olla podrida are actually kind of distracting.  Use the extravagant stuff a little more sparingly.

But this story does have a very satisfying conclusion.  The mailman was a great touch, and the final piece of V.O. we get from Al works just fine.  That one you should keep haha.

Bert, thank you for your pertinent review. Looking back, I must admit the V.O. are too many in this script and I could have done better maybe with more time.

Quoted from bert One of the things I’ve noticed is a distinct improvement in your English from you earliest scripts. I wonder if this site had anything to do with that?

Definitely, yes. I learned a LOT with you all and, following everyone's advices, I feel myself like improving day after day. I always said that writing is just like sport training: the more you do it, the more your brain muscle works.

Quoted from bert I have absolutely no idea what “swaying like a mollusk” is supposed to mean.

I tried this way describing the way of walking like a snail could do.

Thanks again for your review and your encouragements.

Michel