SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 23rd, 2021, 1:25am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
The 'something' is the September One Week Challange

scripts due to SimplyScripts.com/owc


The January Project!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Gateway Experiment
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Gateway Experiment  (currently 1158 views)
Don
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 5:01pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14970
Posts Per Day
1.98
The Gateway Experiment by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Horror - A team of scientist have a theory but it requires a controversial experiment.  One man decides to be the guinea pig they need. 17 pages (Based on the Creepypasta 'Gateway of the mind')

production:Limited locations. 4 Characters. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 31st, 2016, 4:52pm
Logged
Site Private Message
Don
Posted: December 20th, 2016, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
14970
Posts Per Day
1.98
Fixed.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 9
stevemiles
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
746
Posts Per Day
0.20
Hey Alffy,

Been meaning to get around to posting on this, though Iím still not sure what to make of it.  Itís an intriguing idea that (frustratingly) seems to hold back from building more mystery surrounding the Gateway premise.  On the flip-side youíre constrained somewhat by the source material (albeit what little there is) and I donít know where youíd stand to break from that?

Anyways, storywise...

I think this could do with a touch more context to understand what it was the scientists were hoping to achieve and importantly (for sake of conflict/stakes) the risks to the scientists and Walter.  The original source posits the scientists as highly pious individuals which goes some way to understanding their motives - prove the existence of God.  

Presumably this is a highly clandestine experiment.  At best theyíve condemned Walter to a living death - thatís a legal risk to the scientists but itís never really mentioned.  If they fail they have to essentially euthanize Walter.  More intriguingly - if they succeed?  Theyíll prove the existence of an afterlife.

Id suggest looking at Henrik and Rhoades dialogue, it was difficult to tell them apart.  There was a moment when Henrik stares at a photograph (suggesting at backstory?  Personal motive?) but thatís as far as it went.

I kept waiting for those little moments that could prove/suggest something otherworldly.  You teased the notion when Walter mentioned Edna - Kingstonís Grandmother.  I think thatís a key moment, one of the most chilling, but it felt underplayed.

I understood that Walterís nerves were severed but not that it related to removing all his senses.  That wasnít altogether clear until I checked the source.

I like the ending with Rhoades taking Walterís place - that works for me.  Suggests theyíve opened a Pandoraís box with the experiment unleashing forces beyond their control.

Hope this helps,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 9
alffy
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2190
Posts Per Day
0.39
Thanks for your thoughts Steve.

I completely understand your concerns about this being a bit thin.  I wrote this a while back and stuck to the source material pretty closely.  Since, I've been thinking of fleshing it out but was concerned about page length.  

I do think I will come back to this and add a bit more though.  I did have an extra few pages at the end that continued with Rhoades going bat shit crazy but a felt it completely changed the tone of the piece.

Cheers for your thoughts, they are greatly appreciated.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 9
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 19th, 2017, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3429
Posts Per Day
0.77
What's the copyright scenario with stuff like this?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 9
Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Seattle, WA
Posts
50
Posts Per Day
0.03
Hello Alffy,

Finally got around to reading this.  Full disclosure, I love creepypastas, but this one has always been one of my least favorites.  Now onto my notes:

I agree with Steve on a lot of points.   There is not enough context for my liking.  This would obviously have to be a secret experiment and if it ever became public knowledge, it would ruin the lives of the 3 doctors, but they never really mention any of the details.  Even the final purpose of the experiment never seems to be stated, just implied.

You hint that one of the doctors is motivated by, what I can only assume, is the death of his daughter, but then you never really have any payoff with that character.  I would definitely expand on this point.

I, too, had trouble telling one character from the other.  Again, more characterization would help.

I would have also liked to see a better escalation of the experiment's progress.  You mention the dead grandmother, but then after that it's just incoherent rambling and whatnot from Walter.  I think that would have been a great spot for the doctor to start using Walter to try and talk to his dead daughter.

One last note, the work is a touch overwritten.  Once the action starts it wasn't as noticeable, but from the opening scene you use a ton of adverbs.  I would trim some of the fat to make for a smoother read.

For example, you have:

A single naked bulb provides only adequate light in the small confined space.  The tiled walls home no windows and only a single door.

I'd streamline it to be more like:

A single bulb provides the only light in the small, windowless room.

Just my two cents.

Thanks!
Brian


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 9
Grandma Bear
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
7529
Posts Per Day
1.52

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
What's the copyright scenario with stuff like this?


I wrote a feature based on The Russian Sleep Experiment. I did extensive research on the original source material and the author, but ultimately found that the author is unknown, so...it was okay for me and anyone else for that matter to write about it. I would assume this story would be the same. Unless the author is known.

I remember reading this one on creepypasta. I liked it a lot. I will try to read it if I find some free time. A bit swamped right now.



.
SS, is still free...
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 9
alffy
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 5:24am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2190
Posts Per Day
0.39
Brian, cheers for your review.

I always over write lol, I do try to tone it down though.

I'm guessing from reviews so far that I need to flesh it out a bit and work on characters.  I wrote this a while back and haven't wrote anything since, and haven't been motivated to do anything new.  Maybe this is my new project...a long with the 2 feature rewrites I also need to do lol.

Thanks for the read, if you want anything reading in return, pm me.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 9
Zack
Posted: February 8th, 2017, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Location
Kentucky
Posts
3963
Posts Per Day
0.71
What's up Anthony? Good to see you're still around as well. It's been too long since I've read one of your shorts.

The only creepy pasta I'm familiar with is "The Russian Sleep Experiment". That one was pretty creepy, and so is this one.

Format wise everything is top notch. A couple of missing comma's here and there. Some of the descriptions could use a little bit of tightening, but that's more of a personal preference. It still read very well and never dragged.

The story was interesting, and even got quite tense at the end. I even got a little grossed out at the eye gouging.

Really good characterization all the way around, I really got a feel for who was who.

I could see this being produced if an ambitious filmmaker gave it a crack. It wouldn't be an easy short to film, but I think it would be worth the effort.

Good, entertaining work here.

~Zack~


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  February 8th, 2017, 4:05pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 9
alffy
Posted: February 9th, 2017, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
The bleak North East, England
Posts
2190
Posts Per Day
0.39
Hey Zack, good to hear from you buddy.

Thanks for the review.  I've not written much at all lately, and this was lying around on my laptop for a while so I thought why not.  I desperately need to sit down and write and read again.

I thought I could keep it tight with a few characters and locations and still keep entertaining, which I think I managed.

If you have anything you want reading let me know.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 9
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006