I have a few minutes so gave this a read. Below are my notes/feelings, do with them whatever you please
Your fade in is in the wrong place as immediately afterward you have BLACK SCREEN. Think about it logically - you cannot fade into a black screen. So you should have it in this order:
BLACK SCREEN should also be located on the right-hand side of the page I beleive.
Not entirely sure what the non-diegetic hum is for - It doesn't happen again, doesn't seem relevant to the story at all. More of a thrown in audio cue. If you want to keep the hum, I would leave out the non-diegetic description - just tell us about the sound.
Why no ages of the characters? "A young girl" "Elderly but drawn" - These are open to interpretation - my idea of elderly may not be yours. Carol (7), JOHN (80) is short, to the point, and unambiguous.
Something that I shouldï¿½ve done...
a long time ago.
I'm not gonna lie, I cringed at that line. It's a dialogue cliche like "I'm too old for this shit!"
The creature is your centerpiece here - Yet you skimp on the description - All I know is that it has long arms, claws, and growls - I need more, this is a creature feature so I wanna know about him.
I'm not entirely enamored by the dialogue between John and Kathryn. Don't get me wrong it's not bad - There's something not quite natural about it. This is a heated exchange, people get flustered, stumble on their words, say the wrong thing - have you ever been in a heated exchange and afterward thought "Damn, I wish I had said that instead" - this feels like the characters were able to go back afterward and say exactly what they meant.
John is cold, pure evil with no conscience - He seems to enjoy sacrificing people and carries no burden on his shoulders. If that is the characterization you were going for, you nailed it. But that makes him extremely unrelatable. yea, he is the bad guy in this story - but not all bad guys need to be stereotypical soulless monsters. Take your character for example, he's a pastor, a family man - he has a horrible creature for a kid and now he is a cold-blooded killer? I don't buy it.
Now - He has a son he would do anything for, even kill - That I can relate to, he will sacrificing anything for him/her/it. But that doesn't mean it can't weigh him down, tear his soul in two, a battle in his conscience between what is right, wrong and necessary.
We bring it full circle at the end with Carol - That's good.
I like the flashback montage of the items in the barn, then seeing them on the Church members. Also ties it back into the previous info of low attendance. Good work.
I also like the mother singing to the creature, a flashback to when the kid was normal and she loved it, this time she is being insincere and using it to save her life - So I liked that the creature didn't fall for it.
Overall it was alright. In short, I guess I would like to see/know more about the creature and more characterisation in John.
Good luck with it.