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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Your Unwarmth
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  Author    Your Unwarmth  (currently 186 views)
Posted: March 27th, 2019, 3:58pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Your Unwarmth by Kenny Kadir - Short, Horror - When a father and daughter are in a secluded environment, their deepest and darkest urges come out to play. 35 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: April 4th, 2019, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hey Kenny, gave this a peek.

Lost of mistakes right out of the gate.

Should start with FADE IN:

A black screen should just be BLACK.

Gonna assume the Voices dialog is supposed to be unnatural.

You start quite a few action lines with "We".  This is a no-no. You're telling us when you need to be showing us. Camera directions are also generally frowned upon, but I'm not gonna rag on you for it. I actually think that if used right, they can enhance a read.

Skimmed ahead and realize you don't give us our first proper slug until page 6. Big mistake IMO.

I'd suggest reading some more scripts here and taking some notes. If you are around and want further feedback, send me a PM.

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