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Happy Birthday by Tyriq Morris - Short, Horror, Comedy - A little boy named Anthony receives a birthday "cake" but gets questioned about it's look. 3 pages - pdf format
New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice
You see I guessed what might be the cake for Anthony and it was right, since this is a horror story. It was kinda generic.
But that's not my point.
What I wanna emphasize on is that I liked the way you wrote this script as horror-comedy and kept it short. You didn't went on to write how's and where's in the script which is cool. Sometimes we should just see the effect, not knowing about the cause( but not always).
Although there are some minor sentence mistakes in the script which can be overlooked but still do proof-read your work first before posting.
Okay, well I didn't guess the reveal... Lil ol' innocent me.
There are major errors in the writing though, not minor, as Yuvraj says. I'm sorry but I'm going to be candid for your sake or you won't make improvements.
I'm guessing English may not be your first language?
A little boy (how old, is he? State his age, cap his name on intro - there's absolutely no reason to use the ensuing dialogue to give us this info and create an aside with it.) All it does is create an impression of amateur - no offense, it's just the way it is...
is sitting at a table with a birthday hat on his head. Sits at the head of the table, perhaps?(no pun intended)
Birthday hat - I suggest 'party-hat'. Perhaps also embellish the visuals, set the scene better - balloons, a Happy Birthday banner, family members setting off party-poppers etc.
People around him who are his family members sing Happy birthday to him.
Family members (how many?) sing Happy Birthday.
The mother walks in the room with a birthday cake which is covered with a blue drape.
Mother should be capped on intro. Age, description?
Mother enters the room carrying a birthday cake covered with a blue drape. (wouldn't a blood-red cloth be better?) Walks into the room.
The little boy doesn't seem the most excited. Avoid telling us what isn't(doesn't seem) and replace it with what is i.e. Anthony looks bored.
there whispers. Should be: their whispers
Thanks mama. (Should be offset with a comma) Thanks, Mama.
She sets the cake in front of Anthony. She removes the blue drape. Suggest something like: With a flourish she whips/removes the cover from the cake.
The family members all gasp. You can hear some of there whispers. Their whispers.
Family members gasp, whispers and murmurs around the table.
Aunt Tim? Tim's a male name in my neck of the woods.
Yes to me it does. Again, offset with a comma. Yes, to me it does.
Same with:Yes mama. Should be: Yes, Mama.
MOTHER (mad) All of you motherfuckers need to shut fuck up!
Wow. Where's this mother come from?
That language/dialogue is just... Psychotics in training? Are you going for absurdist horror more than outright comedy? Maybe. You don't need the wrylie either (mad). We can guess she's mad.
Anthony stares at [i]her mother with his jaw open.[/i] His mother.
The boy has a god appetite Should be 'good appetite'. typo Healthy appetite might be funnier.
In it's eyes (typo) In its eyes.
Blow the candles! Should be: Blow the candles out! Or: Blow out the candles!
Now I think about it, I don't think any of your characters were properly introduced.
Okay, I'll leave it there.
As far as horror goes it's the type of absurdist, gory, quick shock-reveal tale that'll probably get picked up, but you could finesse the format and embellish the visuals, and you need to edit formatting mistakes/typos, punctuation, grammar etc.
My intention is to encourage, not discourage you, but this needs a fine-tooth comb.
I admit that the script has got the structural and grammatical errors as you mentioned but I thought that addressing those in detail may make me seem like I am just nit picking and annoying. I agree on what you addressed in the script.
Personally I was taken aback by the dialog in which the Anthony's mother said the mofos thing. I was like wow is that normal. No sane person would say that in front of their relatives and especially in the presence of their kid. Hell a psychotic person wouldn't also say that( I think), they have different demeanor.
But putting those aside it was a fun read for me. These are those kind of stories you can find on YouTube.
Cheers to you LC for your inspection and it doesn't matter if you didn't guessed the reveal. You rock.
This was sick and demented. So, naturally, I loved it. Short but sweet. But it could, and should, be even shorter. The main issue was the writing, which wasn't terrible, but it needs some fine tuning.
Remember, this should move at the pace of an actual film while reading. The first image is fine, a little boy with a birthday hat on. But then, you skip to the next action/description block and mention that everyone is singing happy birthday. Since we should be visualizing and hearing everyone singing happy birthday at the same time, that should all be in the same paragraph. Or maybe lead in with the happy birthday song.
Also, just mention the boy's name from the start instead of using a whole action line stating the obvious - "We now know the boy's name." And, just like Libby said, at least give an age. Sure, it's fine to let the audience use their imagination sometimes, but I pictured a 5 year old boy. And then, later, you have the birthday boy using a chainsaw, which I had a hard time picturing. Not because it's sick and twisted, but because it's hard to believe a 5 year old would be able to operate a chainsaw. I had to stop and re-picture and re-imagine how old the kid was. And you don't want the reader to stop and break the pacing of the story. It's like hitting pause and rewinding while watching an actual film.
Also, you have three family members that have dialogue other than the mother and the son - FAMILY MEMBER #1, 2 and 3. I dunno, maybe it's just me, but maybe give them names? You have mother say "Auntie Tim" at one point.
Quoted Text
A little boy is sitting at a table with a birthday hat on his head.
People around him who are his family members sing Happy birthday to him.
The mother walks in the room with a birthday cake which is covered with a blue drape.
The little boy doesn't seem the most excited.
MOTHER Happy birthday Anthony!
We now the know the boy's name.
ANTHONY Thanks mama.
MOTHER Yes! Yes!
She sets the cake in front of Anthony. She removes the blue drape.
The family members all gasp.
You can hear some of there whispers.
Dear Lord, Oh my god, Holy mother of pearl... very exaggerated phrases.
Anthony looks surprised too.
MOTHER (CONT'D) Why are ya'll all looking crazy?
FAMILY MEMBER #1 Cause-–
He points to the "cake". We can't see it. It's mysterious to us.
As FAMILY MEMBERS sing "Happy Birthday" around the table...
ANTHONY (insert age here) frowns at the end of the table, birthday hat on, MAMA bringing a birthday cake covered in blue draping.
She sits the cake in front of him, the song ending.
MAMA Happy Birthday, Anthony!
ANTHONY Thanks, mama.
Momma removes the drape - Anthony's eyes light up as everyone gasps collectively. Concerned whispers.
MAMA Why are y'all looking crazy?
Perplexed, AUNTIE TIM points to the cake.
AUNTIE TIM I mean...
INSERT FAMILY MEMBER NAME It is what it is. Just let the boy enjoy his birthday, who cares what his cake looks like.
AUNTIE TIM You don't think it's a little... strange?
MAMA Auntie Tim!
Maybe something like that, I dunno. Doesn't have to be the way I would write it, it's not my script, we all have our different styles. But the point is, you can shorten this more by utilizing your action paragraphs better, cutting down on redundancies in description, etc.
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Happy Birthday
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