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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Ding Dong Ditch
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  Author    Ding Dong Ditch  (currently 570 views)
Don
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ding Dong Ditch by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - An innocent prank takes a dark turn.  5 pages

Production One location, Two actors, Low/micro-budget - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Zack, I like it a lot. Have I read this before?

clinches his jaw.
clenches, perhaps.

The Knock, Knock, Ginger poem adds dimension to this. Well done adding that.

Very creepy and based on the universal prank of knocking and running.

It's a clean read, nothing really pulled me up. I suppose I just wanted a bit more... Maybe with the kids? So that when the real evil comes and does him in the rug is pulled out a bit more for an audience. Perhaps consider at the top he finds the kids amusing to create a bit more light and shade and dimension to Matt's character.

As is, Matt's a grumpy arse (surprised he was late forties btw) and the phone call attests to that. Might adding to him being not such a bad guy make us feel it a bit more when he finally cops it?

The baker came out to give 'im a clout
And landed on his back.

Split that line maybe? After, The Masked Man raised the blade high.
Raised should be raises btw.

Anyway, we all know Short Horror sells, and it's all here without any changes. I think I just wanted a bit more light and shade with Matt's character.  

Nasty guys getting their just desserts is tried and tested. Nice Guys at the end of their tether makes us feel it more perhaps?

Are you writing a long version of this?

Won't be at all surprised this gets picked up pronto.
Will be staying tuned in.
G'luck!


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SteveClark
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Zack,

I believe Iíve read this before. OWC maybe? Anyway, this is good slasher fun. However, the one thing Iíd add is to have the man know who the kid is ringing his doorbell. Like, he actually sees him running away. Then, when the killer appears at the door, the first thing the man sees is the boy with his throat cut or something. Then the killer does what he does. Anyway, thatís just what Iíd do. Works fine as is!

Agree with Libby. Can def see this getting picked up!

Steve


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LC
Posted: August 26th, 2020, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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That's a good idea of Steve's.

I was also thinking maybe something is left on Matt's doorstep... Perhaps it appears to be a peace offering from the kids, or it could be just a weird messing with you calling-card. Something nice however might serve to lull him and the audience into a false sense of security before the nasty stuff takes effect.


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Fais85
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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Zack and Slasher are the two sides of the same coin.

Nothing to add much here. As much as it works as a nice little short, it can work as an opening scene of a feature too.

Good job, Zack!
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SteveClark
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 3:40am Report to Moderator
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Now that u mention it, a short scene of the killer menacingly saying his rhyme while backing up the man into the house,  coming towards him, would also add some nice suspense and tension.


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Zack
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Thanks for the reads. Glad you all like it.

This is an older one I recently rewrote.

Libby, good idea about making Matt actually finding the kids prank amusing at first. As for his age, I've changed it quite a few times. Originally he was in his late fifties, I think. lol

I do have an idea for an expanded version of this, where we follow the masked man as he moves on to the next house. Not sure how, but I'd have the next would-be victim flip the table on the masked man.

Steven, gnarly idea about killing off the original pranksters. That never crossed my mind! Maybe instead of throwing a rock through the window, the masked man throws one of the dead kids! Lol

Faisal, glad you think it has the potential to grow into something more.

BTW, I think this should be in the short horror section.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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SteveClark
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Itís funny you mention he was originally in his late 50s. I read this and saw a scene with him shaking his fist and thought, gee, like an old dude might do something like that.  Not a 48 yo.


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LC
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
...BTW, I think this should be in the short horror section.

Moved.  


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Zack
Posted: August 27th, 2020, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from LC

Moved.  


Thanks, Libby.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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Zack
Posted: June 10th, 2021, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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This one has been picked up for production.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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LC
Posted: June 10th, 2021, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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Told ya it would get picked up.
Congrats, Zack. Nice one!


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Warren
Posted: June 10th, 2021, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Zack
This one has been picked up for production.


Congrats! Glad to hear it.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 11th, 2021, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Awesome news, Zack. Congrats


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spesh2k
Posted: June 11th, 2021, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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It's a no brainer, bro. Congrats.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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