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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Dead Ahead
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  Author    Dead Ahead  (currently 293 views)
Don
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 11:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dead Ahead by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - For a contract killer, things turn ugly when he messes with the wrong target.  3 pages - pdf format

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eldave1
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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Your writing is getting better and better, IMO.


Quoted Text
A CAR slices through the air.


Didn't quite get that visual. Like I could see if it sliced through fog - nut air?


Quoted Text
He sways his eyes between the road and his phone.


sways is an odd choice. Maybe - his eyes dart and forth between the phone and the road. Sways just seems like to slow of an action.


Suddenly, the car BUMPS onto something, swerves sideways.


Quoted Text
Nick scrambles out of the car, looking around hysterically.


Hysterically another odd choice. He's not out of control or screaming - maybe panicked.


Quoted Text
He plods towards the body, rolls it over, gasps as he sees


plods?? Seems like he should be rushing.


Quoted Text
He pats Nick's bloodied face.



Quoted Text
He tosses the phone into the trunk, hitting Nick's head.


Trunks don't work that way - they are sealed off from the car's cabin.

Not sure I got the gist of the story - like what I read but when I got to the ending I wasn't at all sure what I was supposed to think - like it was a small piece from a larger script.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

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Zack
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hey, Yuvraj, gave this a quick read. Not sure I really understand what's happening, especially without reading the logline. But like Dave said, your writing is improving. Keep writing.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 2nd, 2020, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Yuvraj,

So I guess Nick has some kind of hallucinations if he doesn't take his pills? That's all I could think of to make sense of this. Is that the case or are we to assume that the target in his trunk did something to him?

It's interesting. I just don't fully understand it.

James


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 3rd, 2020, 4:34am Report to Moderator
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Enflammer votre imagination.

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Sorry for the late reply, guys.

First off, thanks Don for posting.

Thanks, Dave, Zack, and James for jumping in to read and comment. All points noted, Dave.

My take on this story is: Nick's a contract killer who suffers from severe hallucinations. He has to bring the Man in the Trunk to his boss. But the hallucinations kick in and the tragedy happens. The Man is a step ahead of Nick(sighting Nick a pro but sometimes a normal guy can also be too dangerous, which the Man in the Trunk is), and now the Man drives off to meet the person who wants him dead a.k.a the boss.

I think this might help in understanding the story. I hope.

Anyways, thank you once again.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
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eldave1
Posted: September 3rd, 2020, 12:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Yuvraj
Sorry for the late reply, guys.

First off, thanks Don for posting.

Thanks, Dave, Zack, and James for jumping in to read and comment. All points noted, Dave.

My take on this story is: Nick's a contract killer who suffers from severe hallucinations. He has to bring the Man in the Trunk to his boss. But the hallucinations kick in and the tragedy happens. The Man is a step ahead of Nick(sighting Nick a pro but sometimes a normal guy can also be too dangerous, which the Man in the Trunk is), and now the Man drives off to meet the person who wants him dead a.k.a the boss.

I think this might help in understanding the story. I hope.

Anyways, thank you once again.


my pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Arundel
Posted: September 3rd, 2020, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much understood this to be a straight zombie story. Maybe Nick does suffer from hallucinations, but even so, the  dead "mark" does end up running him over, so did he hallucinate his own death?

Also, Nick appears to be on edge throughout. Lines like he looks around hysterically, etc. make him sound pretty unnerved from the get-go.

Without the logline I wouldn't be able to tell he was a contact killer, though it's suggested with the phone conversation with Boss.  

Still, a pretty straightforward read from my perspective.
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Yuvraj
Posted: September 6th, 2020, 4:49am Report to Moderator
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Enflammer votre imagination.

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Quoted from Arundel
I pretty much understood this to be a straight zombie story. Maybe Nick does suffer from hallucinations, but even so, the  dead "mark" does end up running him over, so did he hallucinate his own death?

Also, Nick appears to be on edge throughout. Lines like he looks around hysterically, etc. make him sound pretty unnerved from the get-go.

Without the logline, I wouldn't be able to tell he was a contact killer, though it's suggested with the phone conversation with Boss.  

Still, a pretty straightforward read from my perspective.


Thanks, Arundel, for reading and commenting.

I know about the character been a contract killer is not that clear but hey, at least someone did find this story to be straightforward.

Thank you once again.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
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BarryJohn
Posted: September 9th, 2020, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Who am I? A man with a hundred stories..

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Hi Yuvraj

Well written - flows nice... I got the story second read around, Nick's the contract killer who suffers from hallucinations.
Should make for a good short movie.


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Yuvraj
Posted: September 9th, 2020, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Enflammer votre imagination.

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Quoted from BarryJohn
Hi Yuvraj

Well written - flows nice... I got the story second read around, Nick's the contract killer who suffers from hallucinations.
Should make for a good short movie.


Thx Barry, for reading and commenting. Glad that you liked it.


Most recent script: DEAD AHEAD, VULTURES
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