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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  A Slice in Time
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  Author    A Slice in Time  (currently 186 views)
Don
Posted: July 25th, 2021, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Slice in Time by Gary Parr - Short, Sci Fi - Two boys, a time machine, and a hankering for pizza. What could possibly go wrong? 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Gary Parr
Posted: July 26th, 2021, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don
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AlexanderLR
Posted: July 26th, 2021, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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This was a good laugh. Sci-fi with some dark humour at the end, can't really find any faults so well done. Cool title as well.
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Gary Parr
Posted: July 26th, 2021, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks man,

glad you liked it
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bert
Posted: July 26th, 2021, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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This is fun. Well written, with the balance of description and dialogue just right.

You could consider carrying this forward one extra step.

Perhaps they are confused at first.  Is the "bubbling, steaming pile of goo" actually the pizza, or...something else?

You can make this darker still if you've got the stomach for it.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Gary Parr
Posted: July 28th, 2021, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert,

Thanks for the read. Glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks for the feedback, gives me a lot of other ideas
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Zack
Posted: July 28th, 2021, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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You've got quite the imagination, Gary. Very creative. I really like this.

You're writing is much better here than the last script of yours that I read. Still some grammar and punctuation issues, but nothing major. A missing period on page 3 stood out to me.

Short, sweet, and surprisingly dark. My kind of script. Good stuff, Dude.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Warren
Posted: July 28th, 2021, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi, Gary, this was an entertaining little short and I think it could actually be made on a pretty small budget.

It does need another edit but what you've got works well.


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Gary Parr
Posted: July 29th, 2021, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zack
You've got quite the imagination, Gary. Very creative. I really like this.

You're writing is much better here than the last script of yours that I read. Still some grammar and punctuation issues, but nothing major. A missing period on page 3 stood out to me.

Short, sweet, and surprisingly dark. My kind of script. Good stuff, Dude.


Thanks Zack,

glad you liked it. And thanks for the feedback. I'll give another edit to fix the issues you mentioned.

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Gary Parr
Posted: July 29th, 2021, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Hi, Gary, this was an entertaining little short and I think it could actually be made on a pretty small budget.

It does need another edit but what you've got works well.


Thanks Warren,

Glad you liked it.

I'll be writing a new draft this weekend to try and improve it.

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Zack
Posted: July 30th, 2021, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Quoted from Gary Parr


Thanks Zack,

glad you liked it. And thanks for the feedback. I'll give another edit to fix the issues you mentioned.



No problem. Looking forward to reading more of your work.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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