Quoted from kcranford Well, I guess I was trying to “sniff out” the alien since I thought there certainly was one somewhere. That and her extreme knowledge of all their navigational science and such an “inside scoop” on their technology.

I used terms people familiar with flying and Air Force and Space stuff use because that's the type of knowledge people close to me have. But, I get it. Not sure I'm capable of changing tiny details so it doesn't give her away though. Especially since I know nothing about this stuff.  

Quoted from eldave1 Cool story - Pia - well done. I would consider one alternate ending (just spit-blaing) So... maybe consider having her morph into an image of Ryan or the Bartender rather than a black man since she was studying them both

Thanks for giving this one a read!

I really like your suggestion and will have that changed during the week.

Thanks again!  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I used terms people familiar with flying and Air Force and Space stuff use because that's the type of knowledge people close to me have. But, I get it. Not sure I'm capable of changing tiny details so it doesn't give her away though. Especially since I know nothing about this stuff.   Thanks for giving this one a read! I really like your suggestion and will have that changed during the week. Thanks again!

My pleasure

Quoted from Grandma Bear ...was there anything specific that tipped you off about the woman?

For me it was the "mysterious woman" in the logline coupled with her ability to drink without any ill effects.

I'd think about removing the "mysterious" part from the logline and almost misdirect with just saying that she's military. Maybe she's just an "agent". Something like that.

As far as the drinking goes... maybe have her seem like she's getting loose lips as she drinks more and that encourages the guy to keep buying her drinks.

As it is right now, it's clear that she's immune to alcohol. Make it seem like it's having just a slight effect. A questionable effect.

I don't know, some women can drink men under the table.

Quoted from LC I don't know, some women can drink men under the table.

I know a few of them and I know enough to not challenge them.

Quoted from Nomad For me it was the "mysterious woman" in the logline coupled with her ability to drink without any ill effects. I'd think about removing the "mysterious" part from the logline and almost misdirect with just saying that she's military. Maybe she's just an "agent". Something like that. As far as the drinking goes... maybe have her seem like she's getting loose lips as she drinks more and that encourages the guy to keep buying her drinks. As it is right now, it's clear that she's immune to alcohol. Make it seem like it's having just a slight effect. A questionable effect.

Good idea. Need to change the morphing as per Dave's suggestion and tweak the logline. Thanks.  

As far as drinking goes, I'll take on anyone as long as we stick to beer.  

Ah some smart banter that flows smoothly and nicely. Easy to read and very enjoyable.

Dave's comment made me think. And I also thought - why the old man. Maybe someone they both knew and discussed or something.

Either way, nice!

Hey Kham! I totally missed your comment. I'll blame it on hot weather, too many people in my house for too long, Disney World, and too much fun.  

I agree about the morphing choice. I picked something opposite of her character, but as soon as it was commented that why not the journalist or bartender, I realized I should've taken another minute to think about this script. I'll probably send Don the tweaked version tomorrow.

Thanks for taking a look.  

Most excellent. Nothing to add. Just some seriously fine writing on display. (And, yes. Dave's idea.)

Quoted from PKCardinal Most excellent. Nothing to add. Just some seriously fine writing on display. (And, yes. Dave's idea.)

Thanks for taking a look and commenting, Paul!

Don has uploaded the new draft and she now morphs into Ryan.

PS: Something weird, since this script was uploaded, I get a lot of pop-up ads and emails about barstools. Especially from Wayfair.

I just read the revised ending. That small tweak just took it to a new level. Brilliant idea from Dave (but no surprise there).  That’s what I love about this group. It’s a virtual think tank of knowledge and ideas and everyone is so willing to share to give someone else’s work that little extra bit of magic. I’m so very grateful for stumbling into this group of gifted writers.

I can’t wait to see this when it’s produced, Pia. I have no doubt that will happen.

Kathy

Lol! Yeah, it was the smallest of tweaks that made a pretty big change.  

I hope someone will see it and want to film it. It would be easy, I think.

Hi Pia,

I will share my thoughts on your wonderful short in a few days.
A couple of question to start:   How do you want readers to feel?


                                              What is the theme of 'Deceptions'?    

Quoted from Abe from LA A couple of question to start:   How do you want readers to feel?                                               What is the theme of 'Deceptions'?

Oh wow!

I actually don't really write many shorts anymore. I try to get better at features, so when I write a short it's typically when I'm stuck on a feature and just need a little break, but still needing to write. With shorts, I don't dwell too much on how a reader/audience would feel, nor what the theme might be. My focus is more along the lines of writing something some filmmaker might be interested in. In other words, low budget, few locations, few characters and ideally a twist at the end. With this one though, the theme could be, are they, the aliens, here already? Living amongst us? What could a reader/audience feel? Left wondering if they exist, I guess. I'm not a deep thinker.

Hey Pia,

This is a really smart piece of work. It all works and works well: the atmosphere,
the dialogue, the twist ending. I read both, your first story and the revised story
ending. The tweak is perfect.

Quoted Text My focus is more along the lines of writing something some filmmaker might be interested in. In other words, low budget, few locations, few characters and ideally a twist at the end. With this one though, the theme could be, are they, the aliens, here already? Living amongst us? What could a reader/audience feel? Left wondering if they exist, I guess.

I think the theme is, maybe 'Seeing is believing' or 'Don't believe everything you see'
I only asked that question because in my return to more serious screenwriting, I've spent the last few weeks delving into screenwriting basics.

The one thing I don't like is the title. It is so Bukowski. But if nobody else has a gripe, then it's
just me complaining under my breath.

I was curious as to how you want readers/audience to feel because it could have
some bearing on how the script is perceived or even altered. Jessica's dialogue is
snappy and fascinating. It's also parsed in a way that sounds realistic and coming
without bias or emotion. That's great.

It's enough, if that is all that the story is saying.

Ryan doesn't ask a question or two that is primal in nature.  Are humans in danger?
Do the aliens have a sinister agenda? etc.

These questions and Jessica's answers could ramp the tension. Your characters are
clever. Jessica can answer a questions without directly answering it... such as the
avoidance of saying she is "military."  Really nice job of that.

Your story has similar vibes to some pretty good pieces of work. I get the same vibe
as Matias' "Numbers." Obviously two different story lines, but the bar setting, the
sharing of information and that fabulous choice of words, that really draw us in.

I'm also thinking of two TZ episodes that had a related topic: Will the Real Martian
Please Stand Up" and "Mirror Image." The latter story was loaded with suspense
because the Vera Miles character was experiencing something unexplainable. And yet,
she recalled reading something about a duplicate existence. Anyway, good stuff.

If you are satisfied with everything about "Confessions" then I'm good with that. It's
very cerebral, but not boring. I did... see that twist ending coming even before reading.
Without one of them being an "alien," the story is not satisfying.

I love the fact that Ryan discovers too late that he has nothing substantial on his phone
recorder.  My last thought, is maybe move the line... "What do they look like?" just
before Ryan sees himself. That's a timing thing.

Nothing more to add. Just a lot of thoughts and appreciation for a wonderful short.
Hopefully somebody picks up "Confessions" and stays true to your vision.