Barstool Deceptions by P.H. Cook - Short, Sci Fi, Mystery - When a journalist investigating alien sightings encounters a mysterious woman at an airport bar, he is drawn into a revelation about otherworldly beings that blurs the line between belief and reality. 9 pages

Production: Shoestring budget. One location, three actors. - pdf format

For production consideration - No comments needed

You got me good, Pia!
Funny, I should have picked it... The ending is what makes this. Really enjoyable.

Thanks Libby!

I've had this one on Script Revolution for a while, but it's not getting a lot of downloads or likes, so I figured I'd put it up here and see if anyone is interested. Are you geeting any hits at SR? CJ said in his last newsletter the site had reached 15,000 members, but there only seem to be one or two success stories per month. Just curious.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thanks Libby! I've had this one on Script Revolution for a while, but it's not getting a lot of downloads or likes, so I figured I'd put it up here and see if anyone is interested. Are you geeting any hits at SR? CJ said in his last newsletter the site had reached 15,000 members, but there only seem to be one or two success stories per month. Just curious.

Interesting.  SS gets about 2 to 3 'takedowns' a month - options, usually. I don't like to advertise that as it sets an unrealistic expectation.  I can't tell you the number of times I get the, "My script has been on your site a week and no one has bought it..." email.

sigh.

Don

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thanks Libby! I've had this one on Script Revolution for a while, but it's not getting a lot of downloads or likes, so I figured I'd put it up here and see if anyone is interested. Are you geeting any hits at SR? CJ said in his last newsletter the site had reached 15,000 members, but there only seem to be one or two success stories per month. Just curious.

I get the occasional read request on SR. Nothing much more though. Always get more queries through SS.

Mind you, it's time I bumped up my catalogue aka write more.  

Quoted from Don Interesting.  SS gets about 2 to 3 'takedowns' a month - options, usually. I don't like to advertise that as it sets an unrealistic expectation.  I can't tell you the number of times I get the, "My script has been on your site a week and no one has bought it..." email. sigh. Don

Ooh, interesting. The first bit I mean.And even more incentive to write more. The second bit is highly amusing.

Quoted from Don Interesting.  SS gets about 2 to 3 'takedowns' a month - options, usually.

As you know, I've had great success at SS as far as getting scripts produced. Filmmakers really do come here for scripts. I've had maybe five or so picked up from SR.

Quoted from LC I get the occasional read request on SR. Nothing much more though. Always get more queries through SS.

You can disable the download request at SR. I get maybe 2-5 downloads per week. I think it's because anyone can read my scripts. I don't care. I get an email every time someone downloads a script, so there's still a record of who did. I see people are paying extra now for membership. It would be interesting to know how many people pay to have scripts on Inktip.  

I like this a lot. Short and intriguing.

And really so many rounds of drinks during a 5 minute discussion?

You really could take this to another level.

Enjoyed the read tho.

Thanks.

Hey, thanks for taking a look at my script. Glad you liked it too.  

Quoted from Stoneyscripts And really so many rounds of drinks during a 5 minute discussion?

The numerous amounts of drinks were meant to be a clue. He's getting drunk, she isn't. Why? Maybe it works as some kind of fuel for her or maybe she's just trying to look like she belongs and just have no clue how much to consume. I've known a few humans like that.

Quoted from Stoneyscripts You really could take this to another level.

Like?

Thanks again.  

I know you said no comments, but I’m not good at following instructions and to quote Ron White, “I knew I had the right to remain silent, I just did not have the ability”.  

Loved it!  I kinda knew where it was heading but had to keep reading the witty dialogue (and see how many shots they were actually going to have). Excellent work as always, Pia. You know I’m a fan. Good luck with this!

Nice little short here, Pia. I found the dialogue particularly strong. I'm sure it will get picked up soon, just like everything else you write  

I had 17 pages of handwritten notes, but then I saw that comments weren't needed so I shredded them and used the confetti as tinder to heat my house which didn't make sense since it's already really hot outside.

Oh well...

From what I remember...

Dialogue - strong (as always)
Story - strong (as always)

SPOILERS

It was clear that the woman was the alien but if there's a way to make it less clear, then the reveal would hit harder. My 2 cents.

Thanks for the read!

Quoted from kcranford Loved it!  I kinda knew where it was heading but had to keep reading the witty dialogue (and see how many shots they were actually going to have). Excellent work as always, Pia. You know I’m a fan. Good luck with this!

Thank you! You're very kind.

PS: There's a question for you at the bottom.

Quoted from Warren Nice little short here, Pia. I found the dialogue particularly strong. I'm sure it will get picked up soon, just like everything else you write

I'm happy to see that my dialogue has improved. It wasn't that long ago people would tell me it was my weakest area. Thanks for looking. Oh, and the script I "sold" a little while ago, I'm still waiting for the money... He insists his working on it.  

Btw, I also want to read that horror feature of yours! I have guests here for another nine days, but after that I should have plenty of time to read and write again.

Quoted from Nomad I had 17 pages of handwritten notes, but then I saw that comments weren't needed so I shredded them and used the confetti as tinder to heat my house which didn't make sense since it's already really hot outside. Oh well... From what I remember... Dialogue - strong (as always) Story - strong (as always) SPOILERS It was clear that the woman was the alien but if there's a way to make it less clear, then the reveal would hit harder. My 2 cents. Thanks for the read!

Lol! Too bad you shredded those notes! I would've liked to read them.  

Thanks for the nice words.

To you and Kathy, was there anything specific that tipped you off about the woman? I'd like to tweak that part. It's a fine line though because a couple of people that have read it did not see it coming.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Thank you! You're very kind. To you and Kathy, was there anything specific that tipped you off about the woman? I'd like to tweak that part. It's a fine line though because a couple of people that have read it did not see it coming.

Well, I guess I was trying to “sniff out” the alien since I thought there certainly was one somewhere. That and her extreme knowledge of all their navigational science and such an “inside scoop” on their technology. Loved her exit from the bar by the way.  

Cool story - Pia - well done.

I would consider one alternate ending (just spit-blaing) -

You have this line here:

Quoted Text They can morph into beings familiar to them, those they've studied and believe would blend in here. I

So... maybe consider having her morph into an an image of Ryan or the Bartender rather than a black man since she was studying them both

Anyway - good stuff

Quoted from kcranford Well, I guess I was trying to “sniff out” the alien since I thought there certainly was one somewhere. That and her extreme knowledge of all their navigational science and such an “inside scoop” on their technology.

I used terms people familiar with flying and Air Force and Space stuff use because that's the type of knowledge people close to me have. But, I get it. Not sure I'm capable of changing tiny details so it doesn't give her away though. Especially since I know nothing about this stuff.  

Quoted from eldave1 Cool story - Pia - well done. I would consider one alternate ending (just spit-blaing) So... maybe consider having her morph into an image of Ryan or the Bartender rather than a black man since she was studying them both

Thanks for giving this one a read!

I really like your suggestion and will have that changed during the week.

Thanks again!  

Quoted from Grandma Bear I used terms people familiar with flying and Air Force and Space stuff use because that's the type of knowledge people close to me have. But, I get it. Not sure I'm capable of changing tiny details so it doesn't give her away though. Especially since I know nothing about this stuff.   Thanks for giving this one a read! I really like your suggestion and will have that changed during the week. Thanks again!

My pleasure

Quoted from Grandma Bear ...was there anything specific that tipped you off about the woman?

For me it was the "mysterious woman" in the logline coupled with her ability to drink without any ill effects.

I'd think about removing the "mysterious" part from the logline and almost misdirect with just saying that she's military. Maybe she's just an "agent". Something like that.

As far as the drinking goes... maybe have her seem like she's getting loose lips as she drinks more and that encourages the guy to keep buying her drinks.

As it is right now, it's clear that she's immune to alcohol. Make it seem like it's having just a slight effect. A questionable effect.

I don't know, some women can drink men under the table.

Quoted from LC I don't know, some women can drink men under the table.

I know a few of them and I know enough to not challenge them.

Quoted from Nomad For me it was the "mysterious woman" in the logline coupled with her ability to drink without any ill effects. I'd think about removing the "mysterious" part from the logline and almost misdirect with just saying that she's military. Maybe she's just an "agent". Something like that. As far as the drinking goes... maybe have her seem like she's getting loose lips as she drinks more and that encourages the guy to keep buying her drinks. As it is right now, it's clear that she's immune to alcohol. Make it seem like it's having just a slight effect. A questionable effect.

Good idea. Need to change the morphing as per Dave's suggestion and tweak the logline. Thanks.  

As far as drinking goes, I'll take on anyone as long as we stick to beer.  

Ah some smart banter that flows smoothly and nicely. Easy to read and very enjoyable.

Dave's comment made me think. And I also thought - why the old man. Maybe someone they both knew and discussed or something.

Either way, nice!

Hey Kham! I totally missed your comment. I'll blame it on hot weather, too many people in my house for too long, Disney World, and too much fun.  

I agree about the morphing choice. I picked something opposite of her character, but as soon as it was commented that why not the journalist or bartender, I realized I should've taken another minute to think about this script. I'll probably send Don the tweaked version tomorrow.

Thanks for taking a look.  

Most excellent. Nothing to add. Just some seriously fine writing on display. (And, yes. Dave's idea.)

Quoted from PKCardinal Most excellent. Nothing to add. Just some seriously fine writing on display. (And, yes. Dave's idea.)

Thanks for taking a look and commenting, Paul!

Don has uploaded the new draft and she now morphs into Ryan.

PS: Something weird, since this script was uploaded, I get a lot of pop-up ads and emails about barstools. Especially from Wayfair.

I just read the revised ending. That small tweak just took it to a new level. Brilliant idea from Dave (but no surprise there).  That’s what I love about this group. It’s a virtual think tank of knowledge and ideas and everyone is so willing to share to give someone else’s work that little extra bit of magic. I’m so very grateful for stumbling into this group of gifted writers.

I can’t wait to see this when it’s produced, Pia. I have no doubt that will happen.

Kathy

Lol! Yeah, it was the smallest of tweaks that made a pretty big change.  

I hope someone will see it and want to film it. It would be easy, I think.

Hi Pia,

I will share my thoughts on your wonderful short in a few days.
A couple of question to start:   How do you want readers to feel?


                                              What is the theme of 'Deceptions'?    

Quoted from Abe from LA A couple of question to start:   How do you want readers to feel?                                               What is the theme of 'Deceptions'?

Oh wow!

I actually don't really write many shorts anymore. I try to get better at features, so when I write a short it's typically when I'm stuck on a feature and just need a little break, but still needing to write. With shorts, I don't dwell too much on how a reader/audience would feel, nor what the theme might be. My focus is more along the lines of writing something some filmmaker might be interested in. In other words, low budget, few locations, few characters and ideally a twist at the end. With this one though, the theme could be, are they, the aliens, here already? Living amongst us? What could a reader/audience feel? Left wondering if they exist, I guess. I'm not a deep thinker.

Hey Pia,

This is a really smart piece of work. It all works and works well: the atmosphere,
the dialogue, the twist ending. I read both, your first story and the revised story
ending. The tweak is perfect.

Quoted Text My focus is more along the lines of writing something some filmmaker might be interested in. In other words, low budget, few locations, few characters and ideally a twist at the end. With this one though, the theme could be, are they, the aliens, here already? Living amongst us? What could a reader/audience feel? Left wondering if they exist, I guess.

I think the theme is, maybe 'Seeing is believing' or 'Don't believe everything you see'
I only asked that question because in my return to more serious screenwriting, I've spent the last few weeks delving into screenwriting basics.

The one thing I don't like is the title. It is so Bukowski. But if nobody else has a gripe, then it's
just me complaining under my breath.

I was curious as to how you want readers/audience to feel because it could have
some bearing on how the script is perceived or even altered. Jessica's dialogue is
snappy and fascinating. It's also parsed in a way that sounds realistic and coming
without bias or emotion. That's great.

It's enough, if that is all that the story is saying.

Ryan doesn't ask a question or two that is primal in nature.  Are humans in danger?
Do the aliens have a sinister agenda? etc.

These questions and Jessica's answers could ramp the tension. Your characters are
clever. Jessica can answer a questions without directly answering it... such as the
avoidance of saying she is "military."  Really nice job of that.

Your story has similar vibes to some pretty good pieces of work. I get the same vibe
as Matias' "Numbers." Obviously two different story lines, but the bar setting, the
sharing of information and that fabulous choice of words, that really draw us in.

I'm also thinking of two TZ episodes that had a related topic: Will the Real Martian
Please Stand Up" and "Mirror Image." The latter story was loaded with suspense
because the Vera Miles character was experiencing something unexplainable. And yet,
she recalled reading something about a duplicate existence. Anyway, good stuff.

If you are satisfied with everything about "Confessions" then I'm good with that. It's
very cerebral, but not boring. I did... see that twist ending coming even before reading.
Without one of them being an "alien," the story is not satisfying.

I love the fact that Ryan discovers too late that he has nothing substantial on his phone
recorder.  My last thought, is maybe move the line... "What do they look like?" just
before Ryan sees himself. That's a timing thing.

Nothing more to add. Just a lot of thoughts and appreciation for a wonderful short.
Hopefully somebody picks up "Confessions" and stays true to your vision.

Sorry, I keep calling it "Barstool Confessions" instead of "Deceptions."  My bad.

"Barstool Confessions" come after the "Deceptions."

Quoted from Abe from LA This is a really smart piece of work. It all works and works well: the atmosphere, the dialogue, the twist ending. I read both, your first story and the revised story ending. The tweak is perfect.

Thank you! I mean that.  

Quoted from Abe from LA I think the theme is, maybe 'Seeing is believing' or 'Don't believe everything you see' I only asked that question because in my return to more serious screenwriting, I've spent the last few weeks delving into screenwriting basics.

I didn’t write much, if at all, for a couple of years during the pandemic. This year I realized that I missed it and wanted to get back at it, but like you, I knew I needed it to be a more serious effort. I’ve posted a few shorts and just finished a rewrite of a horror feature and I’ve been trying to focus more on the human story, character, and dialogue rather than just plot with a twist. One of the hardest things for me to get a grasp on is theme. I still feel lost in that regard, but I’m starting to get just a little better at the other stuff I just mentioned, so maybe theme will come to me one day as well.

Quoted from Abe from LA The one thing I don't like is the title. It is so Bukowski. But if nobody else has a gripe, then it's just me complaining under my breath.

I’m not married to the title at all. I don’t think I spent more than five seconds coming up with that.

Quoted from Abe from LA I was curious as to how you want readers/audience to feel because it could have some bearing on how the script is perceived or even altered. Jessica's dialogue is snappy and fascinating. It's also parsed in a way that sounds realistic and coming without bias or emotion. That's great. It's enough if that is all that the story is saying.

Much of this script was based on what family members who served as missileers at the Minot AFB have told me. Some people believe aliens exist and some of them believe they are already here and then there are those who don’t believe in them at all. I guess I intended for people to stop for a second and think about it. Do they exist, are they already here, or pure fiction?

I’m glad the dialogue worked. As mentioned earlier, it’s one of the things I’m trying to get better at, so I’m pleased that you liked it. I also had to be careful with Jessica’s dialogue especially to give a lot of information, but at the same time not spell out exactly who she is. Fine line.

Quoted from Abe from LA Ryan doesn't ask a question or two that is primal in nature.  Are humans in danger? Do the aliens have a sinister agenda? etc.

Is that a problem though? I know what you are saying, but maybe he would’ve asked if the conversation had not been cut short by the flight announcement and getting a bit drunk.

Quoted from Abe from LA Your story has similar vibes to some pretty good pieces of work. I get the same vibe as Matias' "Numbers." Obviously two different story lines, but the bar setting, the sharing of information and that fabulous choice of words, that really draw us in.

I saw that film. It was filmed in Tokyo, I believe. He was everyone’s favorite writer, I think. Maybe still is. I haven’t read anything of his in years now.

Quoted from Abe from LA I'm also thinking of two TZ episodes that had a related topic: Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up" and "Mirror Image." The latter story was loaded with suspense because the Vera Miles character was experiencing something unexplainable. And yet, she recalled reading something about a duplicate existence. Anyway, good stuff.

I’ve seen all the TZ episodes and even have them purchased on Prime, but I don’t recall those two right now. Easy enough to check on though. I loved all of them.

Quoted from Abe from LA If you are satisfied with everything about "Confessions" then I'm good with that. It's very cerebral, but not boring. I did... see that twist ending coming even before reading. Without one of them being an "alien," the story is not satisfying.

IMO, it’s just a short that was mostly written in order to take a break from the feature Pet-Cam, so I will probably leave it as is. No takers yet, but I could also shoot it myself. Would be easy enough to do. All I need is a bar.

Quoted from Abe from LA I love the fact that Ryan discovers too late that he has nothing substantial on his phone recorder.  My last thought, is maybe move the line... "What do they look like?" just before Ryan sees himself. That's a timing thing.

That is a great suggestion. My only objection to that would be that the conversation about being able to look like anything they want wouldn’t work.

Quoted from Abe from LA Nothing more to add. Just a lot of thoughts and appreciation for a wonderful short. Hopefully somebody picks up "Confessions" and stays true to your vision.

Thank you, Gary! Don’t be a stranger and please share when you have a script.