SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 15th, 2018, 6:27am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Daddy
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Daddy  (currently 348 views)
Don
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12549
Posts Per Day
1.93
Daddy by Glenn Doyle - Short, Thriller - On a hot Summer's night, a tired, restless man struggles to come to terms with what his life has become. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
ajr
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1245
Posts Per Day
0.38
So it's hard to say I liked or disliked this, because the material is so disturbing....

So instead, I have questions - what are you trying to convey with this film?

We have someone in obvious pain. Tortured enough to kill his ex-wife and her new lover. And then himself.

We don't get any background on it though. Was it his fault? Hers? Not that it matters much in the end.... but it kind of does, to the viewer.

And then the gut-punch. What were you trying to say when he kills himself in front of his daughter? IMO, you don't create drama here, you simply have a news story fleshed out on the screen.

Struggling to find the message here. The pain is stark, but that's easily delivered. I'm searching for meaning.

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
LC
Posted: August 26th, 2018, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
Yellow


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
2841
Posts Per Day
0.77
Hmm, Glenn... You're going to scar that kid for life.  

Written for the OWC, no doubt.

You definitely had me along for the ride, in the beginning.
My sympathies were with Sam as it's clear he has been replaced by John. But then things quickly took a dire turn.

Problem is onscreen we'll just see a jilted , out of work (can't pay the rent) drug/alcohol addicted/ breaking the law (spying with that live feed) guy on a homicidal rampage.

I had to read the ending twice cause I really didn't think he was going to do it, to himself, and to poor little
Eve.

Technically:

* Sam's eyes water up  - water up? Perhaps: ...tears well in Sam's eyes.

* I didn't get the Insert Mirror bit. Is this distorted view a result of Sam's drug-addled perception?

* I think you could spice up your verbs a little: puts one in his skull - even 'fires' one off would improve on the too static 'puts'. If in doubt consult Mr Thesaurus.

I liked the atmosphere with the heat you generated and the hopelessness, but Sam needs to be on a redemptive journey if this is going to be a success on the festival circuit imh, especially in this age of gun violence.

The way it stands there's no cautionary message here, it's just go with your reflexes and kill, which is not a good thing. What message does it send? What is the overlying theme?

As an exercise in no dialogue, blistering heat, tortured character - it works.

However imho,  change all of it around so that he feels homicidal but doesn't act on it, you've got a far more powerful message.

Perhaps you could rewrite it as a Sliding Doors / dual scenario, but have Sam ultimately choose the right path.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
IamGlenn
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 4:10am Report to Moderator
Green


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
652
Posts Per Day
0.42
Thanks for getting this up, Don.

This was written as part of the OWC. My computer decided it didn't like me very much, and died.

This is the first thing I've written in quite a while. It was actually tougher than I thought to get back into the swing of things.

Libby and ajr, thank you both for taking a look. I suppose what I was trying to do with this was show the life of a mentally broken and somewhat tortured man and his final moments on Earth. I agree the subject matter is tough and there's no real message at all.

I wanted to show this from the perspective of Sam, to show what he was (failing to) deal with and, ultimately, a horrible fatal decision. I am aware this probably wasn't portrayed convincingly in the four pages, and I'm not too sure if there'll be a rewrite but if there is I'll try to address what you both brought up.

Thanks again.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
Dustin
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 5:15am Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4811
Posts Per Day
2.48
I did read this and after reading AJR and Libby's comments felt that I didn't have anything extra to add and then promptly forgot to add anything at all. Suffice to say that I agree this story needs more.

Personally, I'd take their advice and take this script in a different direction, or add an unexpected twist. No harm in working on this some more. Make this story stand out and it will get picked up. As it is, I think it's unlikely... which may not matter to you. I've written a few things for myself. We don't always need to see our stuff produced to get satisfaction from our work.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
IamGlenn
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 5:28am Report to Moderator
Green


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
652
Posts Per Day
0.42
Thanks for that, Dustin.

It's true, I mostly wrote this for me. I had to get back writing, and was happy I completed this one, short as it is. I'm actually a few pages into a new short, so it has got me going again.

In time, I might come back to this.

Thanks again.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
_ghostwriter
Posted: August 27th, 2018, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
Green


I am a writer first and a critic second.

Location
"On the road to Rome."
Posts
752
Posts Per Day
0.22
Glenn,

Good to see you writing again.  No need to beat around the bush... I didn't care for this one.  Take for instance Sam -- I just couldn't relate to him.  It seems to me you likely have a very clear picture in your mind about this story but there's a disconnect between that and how it comes across on the pages.  JMHO.

Keep up the good fight...

_ghostwriter  


THE TIME GUARDIAN: DARK FRONTIER - scyfy

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA - western

RISE OF THE AMAZONS - action, fantasy & adventure

HEATWAVE - faith-based erotic thriller

THE SLEEPING TIGER - psychological thriller
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
IamGlenn
Posted: August 28th, 2018, 2:15am Report to Moderator
Green


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
652
Posts Per Day
0.42
Thanks for taking a look, Ghost.

Yep, think the feeling is that I failed to get a point across in the pages. Back in the swing of things now, I'll make sure to address this in what's coming next.

Much appreciated.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
khamanna
Posted: August 28th, 2018, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
2906
Posts Per Day
0.87
Hey Glenn,

This one is a bit too straightforward for me. No mystery, no twist. I wish for both here. Sorry if I repeated anyone's words, just want to give you more of a push.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
IamGlenn
Posted: August 29th, 2018, 4:02am Report to Moderator
Green


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
652
Posts Per Day
0.42
Hey Kham,

Thanks for taking a look. Yeah, looks like I missed the mark with this one. Next one will hopefully be up in a week or two. Hopefully a better one. As said before, this has gotten me back in to the swing of things. Have ideas now for my next four I want to write. So "Daddy" was good for something.

Cheers


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
Oksana
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
Red


Location
Germany
Posts
10
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hi there! I think the final could be worked out in another direction.  I didn't expect Sam to commit suicide as he loves his daughter. IMO, it could be scarier if Sam embraced Eve and promised her to be the best Daddy for her. At least, there is a motivation to return the child and make a revenge on the wife. Otherwise, it looks like Sam's deeds are illogical.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
MichaelYu
Posted: September 5th, 2018, 6:04am Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
35
Posts Per Day
0.02
Glenn,

Daddy is four pages in length. You used the first two pages to describle Sam's anger. I think one page is enough. The page two and three should have been used to describle the matter among the 4 persons.

By the way, the title is Daddy. It looks like drama more than thriller. Will you consider changing it?

Michael
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006