Daddy by Glenn Doyle - Short, Thriller - On a hot Summer's night, a tired, restless man struggles to come to terms with what his life has become. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

So it's hard to say I liked or disliked this, because the material is so disturbing....

So instead, I have questions - what are you trying to convey with this film?

We have someone in obvious pain. Tortured enough to kill his ex-wife and her new lover. And then himself.

We don't get any background on it though. Was it his fault? Hers? Not that it matters much in the end.... but it kind of does, to the viewer.

And then the gut-punch. What were you trying to say when he kills himself in front of his daughter? IMO, you don't create drama here, you simply have a news story fleshed out on the screen.

Struggling to find the message here. The pain is stark, but that's easily delivered. I'm searching for meaning.

AJR

Hmm, Glenn... You're going to scar that kid for life.  

Written for the OWC, no doubt.

You definitely had me along for the ride, in the beginning.
My sympathies were with Sam as it's clear he has been replaced by John. But then things quickly took a dire turn.

Problem is onscreen we'll just see a jilted , out of work (can't pay the rent) drug/alcohol addicted/ breaking the law (spying with that live feed) guy on a homicidal rampage.

I had to read the ending twice cause I really didn't think he was going to do it, to himself, and to poor little
Eve.

Technically:

* Sam's eyes water up  - water up? Perhaps: ...tears well in Sam's eyes.

* I didn't get the Insert Mirror bit. Is this distorted view a result of Sam's drug-addled perception?

* I think you could spice up your verbs a little: puts one in his skull - even 'fires' one off would improve on the too static 'puts'. If in doubt consult Mr Thesaurus.

I liked the atmosphere with the heat you generated and the hopelessness, but Sam needs to be on a redemptive journey if this is going to be a success on the festival circuit imh, especially in this age of gun violence.

The way it stands there's no cautionary message here, it's just go with your reflexes and kill, which is not a good thing. What message does it send? What is the overlying theme?

As an exercise in no dialogue, blistering heat, tortured character - it works.

However imho,  change all of it around so that he feels homicidal but doesn't act on it, you've got a far more powerful message.

Perhaps you could rewrite it as a Sliding Doors / dual scenario, but have Sam ultimately choose the right path.

Thanks for getting this up, Don.

This was written as part of the OWC. My computer decided it didn't like me very much, and died.

This is the first thing I've written in quite a while. It was actually tougher than I thought to get back into the swing of things.

Libby and ajr, thank you both for taking a look. I suppose what I was trying to do with this was show the life of a mentally broken and somewhat tortured man and his final moments on Earth. I agree the subject matter is tough and there's no real message at all.

I wanted to show this from the perspective of Sam, to show what he was (failing to) deal with and, ultimately, a horrible fatal decision. I am aware this probably wasn't portrayed convincingly in the four pages, and I'm not too sure if there'll be a rewrite but if there is I'll try to address what you both brought up.

Thanks again.

I did read this and after reading AJR and Libby's comments felt that I didn't have anything extra to add and then promptly forgot to add anything at all. Suffice to say that I agree this story needs more.

Personally, I'd take their advice and take this script in a different direction, or add an unexpected twist. No harm in working on this some more. Make this story stand out and it will get picked up. As it is, I think it's unlikely... which may not matter to you. I've written a few things for myself. We don't always need to see our stuff produced to get satisfaction from our work.

Thanks for that, Dustin.

It's true, I mostly wrote this for me. I had to get back writing, and was happy I completed this one, short as it is. I'm actually a few pages into a new short, so it has got me going again.

In time, I might come back to this.

Thanks again.

Glenn,

Good to see you writing again.  No need to beat around the bush... I didn't care for this one.  Take for instance Sam -- I just couldn't relate to him.  It seems to me you likely have a very clear picture in your mind about this story but there's a disconnect between that and how it comes across on the pages.  JMHO.

Keep up the good fight...

_ghostwriter  

Thanks for taking a look, Ghost.

Yep, think the feeling is that I failed to get a point across in the pages. Back in the swing of things now, I'll make sure to address this in what's coming next.

Much appreciated.

Hey Glenn,

This one is a bit too straightforward for me. No mystery, no twist. I wish for both here. Sorry if I repeated anyone's words, just want to give you more of a push.

Hey Kham,

Thanks for taking a look. Yeah, looks like I missed the mark with this one. Next one will hopefully be up in a week or two. Hopefully a better one. As said before, this has gotten me back in to the swing of things. Have ideas now for my next four I want to write. So "Daddy" was good for something.

Cheers

Hi there! I think the final could be worked out in another direction.  I didn't expect Sam to commit suicide as he loves his daughter. IMO, it could be scarier if Sam embraced Eve and promised her to be the best Daddy for her. At least, there is a motivation to return the child and make a revenge on the wife. Otherwise, it looks like Sam's deeds are illogical.

Glenn,

Daddy is four pages in length. You used the first two pages to describle Sam's anger. I think one page is enough. The page two and three should have been used to describle the matter among the 4 persons.

By the way, the title is Daddy. It looks like drama more than thriller. Will you consider changing it?

Michael