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Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft - WT (currently 1634 views) |
Don |
Posted: March 18th, 2018, 10:00pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft by 0 - Short, Comedy - A retiring janitor teaches his young replacement a valuable lesson. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 4:40am |
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Guest User
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Code A CONDUCTOR taps his baton on the music stand and the dark
hall goes quiet as he raises his hand.
A spotlight highlights: JAKE, male, 20s, a young janitor in a
fresh new uniform, hand raised, ready to lead the nonexistent
orchestra. |
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Slightly confusing. I take it Jake and the Conductor is the same person. Better would be to describe the sound effect and then move to Jake. A cute tale but it lacks a certain punch. Writing: 4.5 Story: 3 3.75 |
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Reply: 1 - 18 |
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ReaperCreeper |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:09am |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts974 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Not sure what to say about this one. The writing is actually pretty good, in my opinion (though what Dustin had mentioned is valid, as I had the same confusion), but I feel like it just exists, if that makes sense. Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I didn't really feel rewarded after reading it. It felt more like a fragment of something as opposed to a snapshot that truly takes advantage of the short form. |
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Reply: 2 - 18 |
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Steven |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:33am |
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New
LocationSouthern California Posts466 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Comedy is subjective, I know. I didn't find it funny, but that's neither here nor there.
The writing was good, the story was decent enough.
Writing - 4/5 Story - 3/5
Total - 3.5 |
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Reply: 3 - 18 |
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khamanna |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:05am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hmm, lots of good stuff said about this one. And the dialog is very good. It's got a lot of heart.
But I'd want something concrete. Like - what's the overall advice here from the older guy to Jake? And he tells Jake to remember it at the end. And remember row 4 - as if they talked about row four.
Anyway, good dialog. The story is a bit shallow for me.
They talk but they don't reveal much about themselves through dialog. The dialog is smart, but not to the point. and not extremely interesting as it doesn't let me in.
Still a pretty good entry. Cuz the dialog is way too smart, and it's got soul. |
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Reply: 4 - 18 |
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ajr |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 10:19am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I liked this one a lot. Nothing over the top outrageous, but that's what I liked about it. The writer managed to make both characters three dimensional in the span of 5 pages, and had an extremely difficult assignment, and had a clever take on it. Kudos. |
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Reply: 5 - 18 |
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jayrex |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 5:36pm |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
A well written story. More on the drama side than comedy for me.
It's a nice angle on the topic though. |
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Reply: 6 - 18 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:30pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The opening confused me:
- The orchestra heard in an EXT location? - ...The dark hall goes quiet as he raises his hand..... But when the lights come on. No ones there - so how did it go quiet?
Middle three pages were great. Loved the dialogue.
Ending left me - wanted it to deal somehow with the Janitor's love of music - why else open with him fake conducting??
Solid entry - especially for the limited time. |
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Reply: 7 - 18 |
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Warren |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 8:37pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Definitely not a vomit draft. This writer has some skill.
Great little short.
Congrats, I think I would have bombed given these requirements. |
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Reply: 8 - 18 |
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stevie |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:00pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Hmm interesting take. Like others noted, not really funny but very well written. The writer had his eye on the end result and brought him home. Comedy does need to be very funny to be successful however but nice work |
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Reply: 9 - 18 |
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nastynate |
Posted: March 19th, 2018, 9:58pm |
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LocationEast Coast Posts34 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Technically well written for sure. The interplay between the main characters was solid, just not a whole that leaves a lasting impression. Good execution given the tough assignment so a nice effort all around. |
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Reply: 10 - 18 |
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DanC |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 1:25pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I thought this was very heartfelt and sincere. I enjoyed it.
And I did find some of the vomit stuff funny. And the play on words for the title worked well.
I'll have to read the other one (obviously) but, IMO, this was pretty strong.
Can't add much more.
Dan |
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Reply: 11 - 18 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 10:20pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
That was quite good. Quality dialogue. I'm about to get very nitpicky for a script written in two days, but... it felt a bit disconnected. The vomit is entertaining but it sorta feels like it's there just to steer this away from straight drama. I think you could use Jake's shadow conducting at the beginning as part of his character. Maybe he's an overeager dreamer who wants to be a conductor. Or, maybe he's just jealous/resentful of all these rich people who get music lessons.
Then, Marvin's parting wisdom can have a little more punch to it. He's not just doing a bit of reminiscing. He helps ground the new guy in reality. Something like dreams are great, but just in case fill your pockets as much as you can along the way.
Okay, this is pretty damn good as is. I'm probably too tired to be making sense anyways.
Well done! |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 12 - 18 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 8:04am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Imaginative approach to the parameters. Well written. Thumbs up. Henry |
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Reply: 13 - 18 |
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CameronD |
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 1:46pm |
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Been Around
Posts542 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
Didn't really like this one but appreciate the attempt the title's break of the 4th wall. No conflict = no story. Vomit gags get old fast when it's all you have. Wasn't sure while reading if this truly was a vomit draft or was edited and that threw me off a bit, probably. |
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Reply: 14 - 18 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 6:36pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
Didn't understand the opening scene, we're EXT but the Orchestra is outside tuning their instruments?
The character interplay was great though I didn't find it overly comedic, would have liked to see a little more and a stringer ending. |
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Reply: 15 - 18 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:31pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Was the orchestra playing the whole time or practicing? That was kinda weird.
It read clean and fluid but it really didn't do it for me, which is too bad. It's well written but I finished with a 'so what' kind of feeling. |
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Reply: 16 - 18 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 9:06pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Untitled Short: A True Vomit Draft
Short notes: lol. Hope this title is no understatement. p1 What up with the slugs there?? Where's Jake? So, Jake is the Conductor? Not enjoying to do this, but I must say I didn't get in touch with the text there is. Couldn't put in places, pictures, movement. If I'm wrong, which might be, don't consider the following, otherwise, if you want one advice, I'd say, think hard about the psychology of writing a text for someone who reads your words for the very first time. Turn the table and take their place. There's a lot, a gigantic field to experience, learn and internalize. I myself have lots and lots of work in front of me myself regarding that specific topic because I want to be much stronger than I am in this regard. The limit there is infinite. We couldn't spend enough time getting behind some of it. Hope not to discourage and actually that others went with it.
story (0-5): 1
character (0-5): 2
presentation (0-5): 1
total: 4
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Reply: 17 - 18 |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 10:43am |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
This script is mine. Thanks to everyone who commented.
The feedback is excellent. I don't know that I'll bother making any changes. Not sure. But, if I do, you've all given me great ideas for improvement.
Clearly I'd fix the open. The intention was to start with a clever way to show that Jake was screwing around instead of working. So, he's on the conductor stand. In his head, he's conducting. I let the audience hear it, just to further establish the setting. But, that didn't work.
And, I loved Zero's (and a few other's) advice about connecting the open to the close.
Anyway, had a bunch of fun. Can't wait for round 2. I'll try and put a bit more meat on the bone for the next round. I'll have to, if I want to survive! |
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