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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Areion's Pasture - drama feature Moderators: bert
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  Author    Areion's Pasture - drama feature  (currently 188 views)
AlsoBen
Posted: April 13th, 2019, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Hey SSers

Sorry to post another WIP (I promise, I am taking these feedback's and incorporating them, I'm just working on a few things at once).

Anyway, here's a feature. I did a vomit draft then went over it and fixed the structural and (hopefully) caught major issues. Also got some feedback from trusted people. It's weirdly structured, based around "chapters" that are fairly discrete from one another plotwise so it's not really something I think will go over well in terms of structure and pacing - let me know.

ANYWAY: My current log line is: "Twenty years after being rescued from his incestuous family as a child, a traumatized man attempts to find the twin sister he was separated from in the process." Inspired a tiny bit by a true story in Australia, the logline doesn't really capture what I've written.

I'm a social worker for my day job, currently studying my Masters. My thesis touches on inter generational trauma (and some other boring stuff), so when I learned about the case this is inspired by I was really intrigued academically...and as a writer. So I've been sitting on this premise for years. I shared a much more early draft of this with a trusted person and I'm feeling a little to share this longer draft. It's 115ish pages, so I appreciate any length of read - I know it may be a slog.

Here it is.What I really wanna know is - does the "four chapter" structure work at all, or is there a way it could? Is Chapter 3 way too out of place and does it disrupt the narrative too much? Anything else that could be better (I know there of course would be)?

Thank you so much anyone who helps me with this! As I said, academically and as a writer, this script is important to me which is why I've sat on it for so long (before writing it quickly in two bursts the last fortnight, haha).



MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

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Warren
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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Ben, make sure you bump this post after the OWC so it gets more visibility. Picked a bad time to put it up.

To SS regs (or anyone), check this out. Iíve read a portion of it and itís a great premise.

Libby, I'm sure a fellow Aussie could use your extensive notes :p


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LC
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Flat out at the moment, perhaps after the OWC.

At the very least I'll give Ben a bump too so that hopefully someone with a bit more time on their hands can weigh in.


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AlsoBen
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 1:51am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys! Thanks Warren for already giving me feedback on the first act, and I got your PM - totally fine to wait until after OWC. Same to you, LC.

I'm a little uncomfortable bumping my own threads, haha, so hopefully after OWC this is still on top of WIP board


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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MGayles
Posted: April 17th, 2019, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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i don't think you need to cut to black after the insert shot of the photo. You can just lay the voice over on top of the photo. Not a big deal but it saves a little ink and it's more visual.
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AlsoBen
Posted: April 17th, 2019, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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Thanks man!


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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MGayles
Posted: April 17th, 2019, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Or just lay the voice over on some scenery shots that establish wherever this takes plqce
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AlsoBen
Posted: April 18th, 2019, 12:49am Report to Moderator
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Gotcha. Appreciate it.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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MGayles
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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I read through the entire script finally.

Pros

Takes serious balls to write a story with this kind of subject matter.

Raises interesting questions about nature versus nurture.

Easy read. The first act reads really fast.

Interesting characters.

i liked the message at the end

Cons

The part with the foster family in present times was kind of a drag and took me out of the story. At that point I was already invested in David and Jess and Daisy so it's hard to care about these people.

I didn't see Jess being so traumatized that she killed herself. Maybe I missed something. Maybe give us a little more Jess instead of the family in the middle.

You use the --- (idk what to call it) in your dialog a lot. It got kind of annoying. Not a big deal tho.

the multiple narrators was a bit much. I think only a hand full of filmmakers could get away with that technique (like Scorcese) and there was a lot of cuts to black which didn't feel necessary

The payoff at the end was good but it might have been more impact if we spent more screen time with David. Maybe we can see him searching for sister a little more before he eventually finds her. Or maybe show David's life going off the rails a little more instead of having the woman explain it to us.

Overall

This is a gutsy script. It feels like one of those indie scripts that competes for Oscars. Not a traditional Hollywood narrative style script, but something more ambitious. The subject matter makes it hard to read at times but it raises interesting questions. I was about to give up on it when I got to the part with the family but i stuck through it and it paid off in the end.

8/10.
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AlsoBen
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man, I appreciate you giving this a read. Your thoughts on the third chapter echo a few others' thoughts so you're definitely right, it drags the narrative and is the wrong focus.

Re: Jess. My intentions were not necessarily that she kills herself (at least purely) from trauma. She is supposed to be the failed caregiver, a lot like Dauphine - she hated caring for her senile mother, then immediately conceived and cared for a disabled child. When her husband dies, she knows the rest of her life will be the same caring, alone again. I definitely need to make this more clear.

About the narrators - I agree. It's a lot. I'm re-thinking it, and it when I redraft it's something I will consider strongly.

Thanks for the (very strong) overall thoughts. I appreciate it.


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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MGayles
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 11:11pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, we need to see Jess and David's life going off the rails in the second act because it would make the tragic ending a lot more ... tragic. Even though the script was pretty long I still felt short changed because I didn't see the characters grow into their final state. They were already there because of a time jump. That sums up my thoughts. I think this would work as a movie with a good director who knows how to get those tear jerking performances out of his talent.
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AlsoBen
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 3:26am Report to Moderator
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I agree the time jump may be a bit much. Thanks again for the read MGayles. You are a very perceptive reader, and I hope you stick around to give other people critiques and upload more of your own work!


MY SCRIPTS:

I Don't Even Think About You Anymore (Short) 5 pages

Hera (Mystery/Drama) 83 Pages

What A Good Boy Does (Short/Drama) 10 Pages
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