Hey guys, as a few of you know, I've been developing my first original feature screenplay for a couple of years now. It's been tough, for sure. But with the help and encourgement of a couple of cool peeps, I think I'm finally on the right track.  

Surprise. It's a horror script! Writing this with an extremely small budget in mind, which is certainly tricky. It's definitely an homage to 80's slasher flicks, even though it's set in the 90's.   Guess I should give a logline...

While hiking in the Vernon Grove Hills, a group of friends discover a traumatized and badly injured girl on the trail. None of them are prepared for the horror that follows.

I know it's not the most original concept ever. The way I've structured the this, I believe, gives it a unique spin. Definitely trying to keep this unpredictable.

Anyone who is interested in reading the opening sequence, which is 15 pages, just PM me your email. I'm really curious what hardcore horror fans think, as they are definitely my target audience.

I'm always happy to give a read, Zack. You looking for anything in particular in notes?

Thanks, Sean. I'm really trying to get this opening sequence down to 10 pages. Also want to know if the writing itself is clear and easy to visualize. And I can always use some tips on how to punch up my characters.

Sent the script your way, Dude.

Zack, do you have a working title?

You know I love ya, right Zack? But, why not post what you've got? I hate being a hard arse but read the Sticky on WIP (not just you, btw) otherwise it sounds like y'all are looking for script review exchange, or reads and opinions via PM..

Simple rules to make this board more effective for those who need help.

1. Use the screenplay title in the topic, if it has no title say Untitled (genre of script) if not it will be locked and reported.
2. Don't post scripts that aren't at least halfway done.

Since 2005 when this went up things seem to have become a lot more lenient re the half-day done proviso, but at least post a link otherwise this is just a big ol' teaser.

Hey, Libby.  Fixed the title, my bad. Yes, this is less than halfway done. I do have a full character sheet, a full timeline for the mythology I've created, a complete story outline, and I've even have drawn up a map to use for position reference. I'll set up a drop box and share a link in a moment.

Like I said, I'm approaching this from a different angle. It's definitely a slasher flick in the woods, but it's also a non-stop chase flick.

I'd like to get some feed back on the long opening sequence I've written. Alot is going on in the opening and I want to make sure readers are able to follow everything that happens.

If this isn't the right thread to get feedback on this, let me know and I'll take it elsewhere.

Sounds like you've put a lot of work into this, Zack.

Yep, this is the right spot, twas just missing the link... but that's on its way so all good.
Good luck with this.  

Link to the opening here - https://www.dropbox.com/s/sy6rq2dkw43uiga/RUNNING%20IN%20THE%20WOODS.pdf?dl=0

Just a heads up, Zack, I'm not a horror person. But, good luck with the feature. =)

Quoted from Mr. Blonde Just a heads up, Zack, I'm not a horror person. But, good luck with the feature. =)

Thanks for taking a look at it, Sean. Much appreciated.

Zack: keeping in mind that I've only read one or two horrors (really not my genre).

Expertly written - everything is clean and crisp and perfectly clear.

I thought the action sequences were an A+.

I thought the dialogue was a B when it came to the family members and a C when it came to the teenagers. Nothing really wrong, but nothing really special that made any of the characters pop. hope you know what I mean.

Pace - maybe too fast. I know - weird comment, but 14 pages in we already got 4 corpses. I think I would have liked a little slower burn - but again - not a horror expert so take that with a grain of salt.

Lot of talent here.  Solid writing.

Thanks for reading through this and for the compliments, Dave. I've got Mr. Bush to thank for a lot of the writing. He's really been helping me iron out a bunch of my writing issues. Wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for him.

Agreed on the dialog. Any tips or suggestions on how I could punch it up a bit?

I know the pacing is a bit odd, but the entire script will be a, pretty much, nonstop chase sequence. Lol. I'm gonna sprinkle in a few moments where the audience can breathe, but these moments will be far and few between.

Quoted from Zack Agreed on the dialog. Any tips or suggestions on how I could punch it up a bit?

An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue.

If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue. If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

Interesting approach. I'll give it a try and see how it comes out. Thanks, Dude.

Quoted from Mr. Blonde An old trick I used when I first wrote Andretta. Pick three characteristics (primary, secondary, tertiary) you'd use to describe each of your characters. The second most prevalent (secondary) should be the one you use to define their dialogue. If "wry", for example, is their secondary, their dialogue would be infused with dark humor. If it's "polite", maybe they address people as "sir" and "ma'am". Start there. Adjust as needed.

This is good advice, IMO.

Also -watch the age. e.g., this:

Quoted Text AMY You big ol’ perv. Quit it.

Doesn't sound like a present day teenager. Sounds like it was set in the 60s.

In terms of the advice - above - here's an example:

Quoted Text DEBBIE (CONT) Whoa. Have you ever seen a moon like that? Paul follows her gaze, looks to the sky. He smirks. PAUL That’s pretty crazy, huh? CLOSE ON Amy as she stares up at the moon. DEBBIE (under her breath) Pretty creepy...

AN opportunity to distinguish Paul is an intellect.e.g.,


CLOSE ON Amy as she stares up at the moon.

DEBBIE
(under her breath)
That's pretty creepy...

PAUL
Just a blood moon. It nearly always appears coppery red during a total lunar eclipse. That’s because the dispersed light from all the Earth’s sunrises and sunsets falls on the face --

DEBBIE
Stop.

PAUL
Sorry - thought it would help if --

DEBBIE
Doesn't make it any less creepy.

So now Paul is the nerdy intellect type. You can use that in future dialogue.

And maybe Debbie is the anti-nature girl. Why not have her nose buried in a smart phone frustrated that she can't get a signal.

That type of stuff.

Hey, Dave. This is set in the 90s, so I think people, especially younger people, still talked with a little political incorrectness(is that even a word? ). Also, no smart phones. Lol.

I do like the suggestion you made for Debbie and Paul. I don't wanna go overboard with Paul's nerdiness, but I definitely like what you're saying. Thanks, Dude.