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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    My Work In Progress  ›  Slow-Motion Car Crash (Comedy) 20 pages Moderators: bert
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  Author    Slow-Motion Car Crash (Comedy) 20 pages  (currently 103 views)
AlsoBen
Posted: May 23rd, 2020, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey all,

I've decided, while sitting with another re-draft of a script, to return to my idea for a pure comedy (no drama elements - new to me) I outlined a few months ago.

I haven't written a logline yet (I generally do that later) but basically the "hook" is it's an anti-romantic comedy wherein the protagonist tries to get his ex back, despite the fact that the main character is the worst person on Earth and his relationship was awful. I also wanted to write about a character in a same-sex relationship getting dumped by his ex for a woman.

The first twenty pages are here https://www.dropbox.com/s/bg9uwirxkotypno/SLOW-MOTION%20CAR%20CRASH.pdf?dl=0

It's based in the US, which is hard for me to write, and I was also wondering whether the MC (Ishmael) is too off=putting and unlikable (he's meant to be, but I guess I still want people to be able to sit through it).

Thanks pals


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LC
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ben, I've read quite a bit of your work in the past and you're a natural with comedy/romcom.

The dialogue in most of your work rolls off the tongue nicely and it's always a quick easy read. No different with this one.

Dropbox anmoys me a bit cause I can never copy text I want to comment on.
Loved the Law & Order line, and quite a few other lines I thought were terrific too.

I love Ishmaels's character, I don't find him unlikeable at all. Quite the opposite. I'm rooting for him (excuse the pun) ... I mean considering how Charlie blows him off - literally. Funny stuff, and very real. I feel like I'm in capable hands with the writing.

Like I said, I'd highlight a few things (if I was able to in that file) and there are a few typos, missing words (godfather line, from memory) but quibbles only, not major things.

I do think Ishmael should/could have actually disgraced himself more at the party than he actually did. Apart from being slightly rude to Patience, I don't think it warranted Charlie saying he actually ruined opening night. Charlie's the creep imho. And I'm on the fence with Danica, she might get annoying.

I warmed to the title because of the dialogue reference but before that I couldn't actually say I was a fan.

Looking forward to seeing where you go with this.
Nice work so far...


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AlsoBen
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 1:11am Report to Moderator
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Thanks LC! That's lovely of you to say.

I agree re: Ishmael needs to embarrass himself more. I think I just wanted to get to the inciting incident (the break up) in under twenty pages.

Shocked to hear that you find Ishmael likable! He was definitely meant to be very childish and selfish.  


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LC
Posted: May 24th, 2020, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Well, he is both those things, but I like him. His loyalty I found endearing.

And that thing that Charlie said about their relationship being effectively one long date he got stuck with (paraphrasing) - not nice, Charlie.


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AlsoBen
Posted: June 13th, 2020, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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If anybody's interested, I finished a first draft on this. It's 88 pages and I'm really quite proud of it in terms of using it as potential for a second draft (if you can't tell, I don't outline and just write a draft and kind of see what happens? It's really quite unhelpful)

https://www.dropbox.com/s/kj7bhteyj8iavlc/Slow%20Motion%20Car%20Crash.pdf?dl=0

I have no idea if it's any good but I suspect that it loses track about half way through. Let me know if you think it's funny.


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