Logline: A scientist and his wife are cornered during a lazy day at home by their mutual friend, his lab assistant and she comes bearing life changing news.



I would appreciate feedback regarding my script. Mainly revolving around the following questions:

Do I have a clear want/need for the main character (Victor)?

Any advice writing emotional scenes? I feel like what I have written has emotion but I don't know if it is bordering on melodrama?

Do I have much subtext? How can I include more of it?

I've heard of the saying 'start late and exit early' - have I applied that in what I have written - I ask because one critique I have had from fellow screenwriters is that the stories I often want to tell in short film format are too big and grandiose?

How can I show and not tell more? This is something I struggle with when writing shorts as I feel like there is not enough time to show the audience as it will take away from the story? Have I got this reasoning wrong?



https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UbPkVSP0j9OU3uilcDnbK3nvSwOklWmq/view?usp=sharing

I mean this in the most productive way...

Your story lacks punch and explicit relaying of plot which you need more of here. Everything is played down so that I really didn't get that one of your characters is a clone, until you spelled it out towards the end.

Mira crawls across the bathroom floor and tries to claw her
way to the sink but can't.
What's going on here? What's the preoccupation with water?

STELLA
There's no more solution.
So this solution is keeping Mira from shrivelling up and dying?

They keep unsuccessfully trying to clone Mira?

Victor is sat at Mira's bedside.
Avoid using 'is sat' - this phrasing/vernacular is specific to some UK writers but is actually a blending of past and present tense.
Sits by Mira's bedside is fine.

...I'm sorry for
spitting on your memory

That line (above) - the tone is wrong imho.
So, they're lovers? I didn't get that. I thought at the top they were flatmates.

My advice is tthat you establish the relationship from the start between Victor and Mira. Inject more drama, implement some suspense with a ticking clock/deadline so that your audience is unsure if she will live or die, and not just relaying that they've done this before and she'll inevitably die as she did all the times previously.

Hope this helps.

Quoted Text Do I have a clear want/need for the main character (Victor)?

I believe so. He wants Mira alive (or, a copy at least) because he can't let go. What he needs in fact, is to let go though. Stella helped with that.

Quoted Text Any advice writing emotional scenes? I feel like what I have written has emotion but I don't know if it is bordering on melodrama?

Everybody started dropping to their knees sobbing while looking at pictures. So I don't think it is just bordering on melodrama, I think it's wrapped in a onesie, having a hot chocolate with marshmallows watching Gossip Girl.

I'm no expert on emotions (in real life or writing) but seems to me you are not trusting the audience to pick up on their emotions, and so overdo it to really hammer home to us "Look they are sad!!"

Quoted Text Do I have much subtext? How can I include more of it?

I don't think there is any subtext, it's all clearly spoken about what they want. Although I am known to completely miss subtext in films and scripts.

Quoted Text I've heard of the saying 'start late and exit early' - have I applied that in what I have written - I ask because one critique I have had from fellow screenwriters is that the stories I often want to tell in short film format are too big and grandiose?

Seems fine to me in this example.


Overall I enjoyed the story but now I'm gonna list some criticisms. Please take with a pinch of salt and a splash of good intentions.

Scene headings:
You can include a second location within the main heading. For example, your opening heading is "CORRIDOR" - could be anywhere, hospital, university, house, office

INT. DETACHED HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY

later you use this...

EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE...  EXT means external so the "outside of" is redundant. Keep it consistent so in my example I would simply say

EXT. DETACHED HOUSE

again later you use...
INT. IN FRONT OF FRONT BATHROOM DOOR - DAY
This is a very specific spot in the scene, better to do that in the action blocks.
As we are just moving around the house at this point, I would also have started to use Mini-slugs (so dropping the INT and DAY), so I would have it as...

CORRIDOR

Victor knocks on the bathroom door.


Other points

Descriptive words: Try and find some more evocative descriptors and verbs. at the moment they seem a little vanilla

... & -   You don't use ... correctly. It is used for a trailing thought not micro-pauses in dialogue which you seem to have used it for. as for the - at the end of some of your dialogue, I don;t know what that is for. -- or less often - is used when dialogue is interrupted, but that's not always the case when you have used them

Victor: Seemed far too aggressive and like he was going to hit Stella to be likeable, so the emotion didn't land.

FLASHBACK - that you have in the script is not formatted correctly. But I also think it is completely pointless. It stalls the story, rather than driving it forward. We get that she died, the flashback is another example of hitting the audience over the head.

You are trying to build a lot of emotion in a short script, you do not have much time to do it to give enough of a payoff at the end. Have you considered using a montage as your opening? showing them through life, how much they love each other, marriage/kids/kisses/dances blah blah blah... you could then include her getting ill towards the end of the montage, but stop short of showing us she died, then open in the house - now we think "oh she there, she survived" but sets up for the payoff of "no she is dead this is a clone" angle.

I think I had more to say but I have forgotten.

Best of luck

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I believe so. He wants Mira alive (or, a copy at least) because he can't let go. What he needs in fact, is to let go though. Stella helped with that. Everybody started dropping to their knees sobbing while looking at pictures. So I don't think it is just bordering on melodrama, I think it's wrapped in a onesie, having a hot chocolate with marshmallows watching Gossip Girl. I'm no expert on emotions (in real life or writing) but seems to me you are not trusting the audience to pick up on their emotions, and so overdo it to really hammer home to us "Look they are sad!!" I don't think there is any subtext, it's all clearly spoken about what they want. Although I am known to completely miss subtext in films and scripts. Seems fine to me in this example. Overall I enjoyed the story but now I'm gonna list some criticisms. Please take with a pinch of salt and a splash of good intentions. Scene headings: You can include a second location within the main heading. For example, your opening heading is "CORRIDOR" - could be anywhere, hospital, university, house, office INT. DETACHED HOUSE - CORRIDOR - DAY later you use this... EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE...  EXT means external so the "outside of" is redundant. Keep it consistent so in my example I would simply say EXT. DETACHED HOUSE again later you use... INT. IN FRONT OF FRONT BATHROOM DOOR - DAY This is a very specific spot in the scene, better to do that in the action blocks. As we are just moving around the house at this point, I would also have started to use Mini-slugs (so dropping the INT and DAY), so I would have it as... CORRIDOR Victor knocks on the bathroom door. Other points Descriptive words: Try and find some more evocative descriptors and verbs. at the moment they seem a little vanilla ... & -   You don't use ... correctly. It is used for a trailing thought not micro-pauses in dialogue which you seem to have used it for. as for the - at the end of some of your dialogue, I don;t know what that is for. -- or less often - is used when dialogue is interrupted, but that's not always the case when you have used them Victor: Seemed far too aggressive and like he was going to hit Stella to be likeable, so the emotion didn't land. FLASHBACK - that you have in the script is not formatted correctly. But I also think it is completely pointless. It stalls the story, rather than driving it forward. We get that she died, the flashback is another example of hitting the audience over the head. You are trying to build a lot of emotion in a short script, you do not have much time to do it to give enough of a payoff at the end. Have you considered using a montage as your opening? showing them through life, how much they love each other, marriage/kids/kisses/dances blah blah blah... you could then include her getting ill towards the end of the montage, but stop short of showing us she died, then open in the house - now we think "oh she there, she survived" but sets up for the payoff of "no she is dead this is a clone" angle. I think I had more to say but I have forgotten. Best of luck

Thank you so much , this is super helpful - just three other questions:

1. Descriptive words: Try and find some more evocative descriptors and verbs. at the moment they seem a little vanilla  

How can I do this? Is it a matter of using a thesaurus and I presume you are also referring to character description here as well?

2. INT. IN FRONT OF FRONT BATHROOM DOOR - DAY
This is a very specific spot in the scene, better to do that in the action blocks.
As we are just moving around the house at this point, I would also have started to use Mini-slugs (so dropping the INT and DAY), so I would have it as...

CORRIDOR

Victor knocks on the bathroom door.

Regarding if I used the mini slug Corridor - would that not be breaking the script format as I wouldn't have started with INT? Also, would I not put that is the corridor upstairs or is that again being to specific?


3. ... & -   You don't use ... correctly. It is used for a trailing thought not micro-pauses in dialogue which you seem to have used it for. as for the - at the end of some of your dialogue, I don;t know what that is for. -- or less often - is used when dialogue is interrupted, but that's not always the case when you have used them

How can I show different characters getting cut off during an argument? As I thought using a hyphen would be the best way?

Thank you again for taking the time to read my work.

Quoted from LC I mean this in the most productive way... Your story lacks punch and explicit relaying of plot which you need more of here. Everything is played down so that I really didn't get that one of your characters is a clone, until you spelled it out towards the end. Mira crawls across the bathroom floor and tries to claw her way to the sink but can't. What's going on here? What's the preoccupation with water? STELLA There's no more solution. So this solution is keeping Mira from shrivelling up and dying? They keep unsuccessfully trying to clone Mira? Victor is sat at Mira's bedside. Avoid using 'is sat' - this phrasing/vernacular is specific to some UK writers but is actually a blending of past and present tense. Sits by Mira's bedside is fine. ...I'm sorry for spitting on your memory That line (above) - the tone is wrong imho. So, they're lovers? I didn't get that. I thought at the top they were flatmates. My advice is tthat you establish the relationship from the start between Victor and Mira. Inject more drama, implement some suspense with a ticking clock/deadline so that your audience is unsure if she will live or die, and not just relaying that they've done this before and she'll inevitably die as she did all the times previously. Hope this helps.

Thank you for taking the time to give me feedback.

Regarding the ticking clock , would it be as simple as Stella saying - 'she is going to die in the next hour?' or am I thinking about this wrong?

Quoted Text How can I do this? Is it a matter of using a thesaurus and I presume you are also referring to character description here as well?

Pretty much. This line stood out the most for me...

Stella hugs Victor.

This is supposed to be a really emotional moment but was delivered without any.

But yea, searching for synonyms you might be able to replace some words with something more provocative. (Although to be fair to you, you do sometimes use different verbs). Some common ones are walks/sits/looks, these can be replaced with stronger verbs to suit the action/mood (Also be careful not to use adverbs if a stronger verb can be used instead. "Sprints" instead of "runs fast" for example

And don't be afraid to expand on them a little, I know we always hear "less is more" when it comes to scripts but I think scripts can be too bare bones sometimes.

Take the above example, and change it to something like "Stella wraps her arms around Victor, squeezes him tight"

Quoted Text Regarding if I used the mini slug Corridor - would that not be breaking the script format as I wouldn't have started with INT? Also, would I not put that is the corridor upstairs or is that again being to specific?

I recommend you look up mini-slugs and their usage. Essentially you set up the main location first (E.g "INT. DETACHED HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY") and have the action take place there, if the characters or action then move to another secondary location within the main location, you can use a mini-slug "KITCHEN" rather than another full slugline.

Yeah, sorry, you used Corridor for the downstairs part, so I would use a different word for upstairs (Here in blighty I would call it a Landing, so use whatever term you would normally use - Corridor seems too commercial for a house)

Quoted Text How can I show different characters getting cut off during an argument? As I thought using a hyphen would be the best way?

I think the "proper" way is to use an -- (but I think some people use a single - but this seems less impactful to me)
But you don't always use it to signal an interruption

Quoted Text MIRA I'm not some weak frail thing - I can fight - Victor laughs.

Here for example you have one in the middle of dialogue and the end of her dialogue is not interrupted.

Quoted Text STELLA She - I mean we - don't have enough time - days maybe even hours at most - VICTOR It's fine. I am with her every day - she has no idea -

Here you have a lot in the middle of dialogue.

Quoted Text STELLA We can't keep doing this - VICTOR Nope , I am not doing this now. It is movie day and we have been planning this for weeks -

Here you have them at the ends but neither bit of dialogue is interrupted

I remembered one thing I forgot.

Consider making the characters a lot older. Grieving old people strikes a bigger emotional chord with an audience, especially if the couple were high school sweet hearts and had spent their entire lives together.

Quoted from scrawlx101 Regarding the ticking clock , would it be as simple as Stella saying - 'she is going to die in the next hour?' or am I thinking about this wrong?

You're definitely on the right track, but I'd add to that in this sort of way:

If we can't get more of the solution, she's going to die in the next hour.
Or: We have an hour to get more of the solution, or she's going to die.

You then have character goal, stakes, and (urgency) a ticking clock.

So I've rewritten it and add/chopped parts - would it be possible to have feedback on the revised version ,mainly revolving around the following questions:

Do I have a clear want/need and conflict in my story?

Any advice writing emotional scenes? I particularly struggled with writing the scene whereby Victor spills out everything to the clone - any examples of people confessing to manipulating others from a film/tv show would be extremely helpful.

Do I have much subtext? How can I include more of it? I feel like that's the only missing ingredient I need for this.

Did I use the continuous slug line correctly? Also , did I use hyphens correctly (to show someone cutting off another person or do I need to change this?)

As always I will keep refining my SPAG with each draft.

Link to script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UbPkVSP0j9OU3uilcDnbK3nvSwOklWmq/view?usp=sharing