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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Singles Camp Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 14th, 2005, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Singles Camp by Breanne Mattson - Comedy - Singles Camp follows the misadventures of Anna Lee Utah, a Kentucky girl who goes to the title place in pursuit of romance after losing her factory job. There she encounters wild animals, poachers, illegal loggers and a bizarre cult. Itís a comedy thatís way better than being gagged with a lumberjack sock. 103 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 27th, 2011, 11:13am
posted revised script
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Balt
Posted: November 13th, 2005, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Alright, glad you told me about this one... You're so varied in your work. I write, basically, one thing "HORROR" in some form or another... it's horror. You can call it Si-fi, thriller, slasher, whatever... It's still horror.

You, however, have tapped into the vein of multiple genre's and not just delved into them but came out on the winning end of everything you've touched. I really love your writing. It's so vivid and alive. It's very descriptive. Wes, Bert, R.E. FREAK and a few others all have this down too. I, sadly, do not. I'm much much much more basic when I write.

Alright, then/than ~ Here we...

1st off... this was a very offbeat comedy at times. It deals with some issues that "you're right" a lot of people don't like to talk about or hear about... However, you made this work early on and you kept that up thru the whole piece "by and large" I was laughing at the dryness of it and the cut throat nature of it more often than not.

I loved the scene towards the first when the Manager says "They are NOT closing the Plant" then... we go to the next scene "They're closing the plant"

I love that kinda comedy. It's quick. It's in your face. It's something you react to and not necessarily have to delve into too deep.  

Anna Lee Utah is such a memorable name. I often have trouble, when reading a lot of peoples scripts, with remembering names. I chalk this up to several things

1- The screenplay isn't entertaining
2- The screenplay sucks
3- The names of the characters are boring and uninspired
4- The characters all react and talk the same
5- I never really wanted to read the screenplay to begin with

So it was great to see names like an Anna Lee and a Delia and a Theo. It made me say "hey, I'll remember those names and their mannerisms better now. "Theo will always be embedded into my brain from millions of hours worth of Cosby show's in syndication and now reruns.

This reminded me of a few films for some reason... maybe cause Anna lee was such a real character... she wasn't flashy or high class. She worked & lived factory life for 9 years... that says something about her character.

The first movie it drew conclusion too and not because of the plot of anything just the vibe and feeling "only this was a comedy and this movie is not"

~ The night the lights went out in Georgia. For some reason I got that feeling sometimes. ~ Strange, I know.
~ Bastard out of Carolina... again, I believe your lead character makes her so much more realistic...
~ A coal miners daughter... Now, if you like any of these movies... we'll have to talk. LOL!

I kidd... I do... They were all good movies, just not comedies and I'm sure you're wonderin' why I compared them too. LOL!  Again I just want to stress it was only for the strong lead female. She reminded me of the leads in those films.

I think the camp, although well placed at around page 30 probably... I believe it should've came sooner. I don't know, though, cause the page numbers aren't intact here. I loved the name, though. It was soo funny. "CAMP GEORGE CLEARY" too funny... even if you don't want it to be, I'm still laughing about it.

The Time Zone conversation is classic!

The Bear Scene was another good one, deeper into the story... however. It showed another side to Anna. Like she's done the hard factory work and such all her life... but never lost her edge of integrity when it came to hunting or something as trivial as such. It was a good scene. You don't see a lot of comedies with character strengthening in the front and center position.

You are a great pop culture reference guide. I'm just lucky I was able to pick up and understand most of them. HEATH and the Billy Jack thing was funny as all hell... You just don't know how funny it really is to me.

"DICK FLAP" ... I'm sorry but I don't need to say anything more here. You are tops in my book, Brea... You rock on!

The stand off at the end reminds me of that wicked mad crazy story about the Asian guy who went deer hunting and shot those 7 armed deer hunters in like MI last year. They were all armed too. Very bizarre. Not that it had or played out like that... just the "LET's Rush him" got me goin on the think track.

Another great pop culture set up with the whole Lone Ranger, Zorror decoder ring thing made the closing story that much more fearing to end. I actually didn't want it to end.

In the end, I believe you ended it rather clever... you opened up with that kind of humor and you just went all out there with comedy and then brought it back to point A again... logical and fantastic. The whole bathroom stall/impersonator thing was a great hook to leave the story.

Well... Brea, you write great. You know this, though... I won't say it again. I hate giving complements, as you know ... but, like your first two scripts Meta-tron and Kill the person next to you, this one sits high on my list of favorites from the site... Not that that means much, but hey.. if you can reach just one person, they say.

Good for a laugh here everyone. It's a well thought out comedy with few dry parts in any of it... if any at all. I really mean this. As for another comedy there is another one on this site involving a summer camp, but I can't think of it. It's hilarious... I'll find out and let ya know if you'd be interesting in reading it.

Balt~







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Breanne Mattson
Posted: November 13th, 2005, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Balt,

First off, thank you for raising this one from the dead. And thank you kindly for your compliments.

Every script I have posted here has been revised since being put here. If I post every revision, though, Don would go nuts and kill me.

Hey, thereís an idea for a script. Don goes crazy from all the rewrites and picks us all off one by one.

Iíve debated about getting her to the camp faster. It shouldnít be too awful hard to find something to cut.

Yes, there are a lot of pop culture references that may be lost on some of the younger readers. I donít think too many will be lost on a true movie buff, though. Billy Jack was the most successful independent film of all time and, aside from James Bond, it was one of the first movies to feature a white man doing martial arts.

Also, Iím a superhero fan. I liken cultural infatuation with Superman to that of, say, Hercules. I think they all come from the same place; the desire to rise above circumstance, to become empowered.

Darn, you didnít comment on Zeke Rockefeller. Iím having the hardest time convincing people thatís funny. Maybe Iím wrong. What do you expect from someone who thinks socks are funny?

Brea

P.S. Your opinion means a great deal to me.


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Shelton
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Brea,

This was a fantastic, funny funny, read.  It literally flew by, and was quite enjoyable.  A few notes:



SPOILERS


The opening dialogue between Anna Lee and her Supervisor, and then the follow up in the bathroom were excellent, and made for a great hook.  The line where the Supervisor's says something about a "spritz in his underwear" had me rolling.

Madge's intro and rant. "I'm going to punch you in the vagina".  Again, just rolling.

The whole angle with handicapped impersonators worked well throughout the script, and was able to establish Madge as more of a villian.  Some people may take offense to what Anna Lee did when she came out of the bathroom, but not me.  I was laughing the entire time.

Production Operator.  Nothing to say her really.  I just read it and realized that that's my wife's job title, although she's more of a project manager than a factory worker.

Liz and Anna Lee in the bathroom - "Territorial Pissing".  C'mon, not all men are dogs.

The random pop ups of Billy Jack with Eagle Beak (who was a hilarious character) and Heath and Dennis' fight.  That whole sequence was hilarious, and was really topped off with the inspiration of each style (David Lee Roth, Steven Seagal, etc.)

I think you really ended this one nicely, and the whole cast of characters blended really well together, including the mythies, who had their own special place in all of this as well.

If I really had to be nitpicky about anything here, I would say that the production notes and ANGLE ON's weren't needed, but they didn't do much to distract me anyway.


END SPOILERS


Like I said above, this was just a great script, and I was laughing all the way through.  If anyone is looking for a good comedy read, I would highly suggest this.  It's definitely worth the time.




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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Once again, someone has pulled this up from the bottom of the river. Thank you so much.


Quoted from Shelton
Liz and Anna Lee in the bathroom - "Territorial Pissing".  C'mon, not all men are dogs.


Sorry about that. Didnít mean to stereotype. Men are certainly not all dogs. (In fact, they have some pretty good points, too. ) You guys sure are hard to understand, though. Much more mysterious than you get credit for these days.


Quoted from Shelton
The random pop ups of Billy Jack with Eagle Beak (who was a hilarious character)...


Interesting side note: the Eagle Beak characterís bitterness was inspired by a real life dispute between the state of Kentucky and the Cherokee nation. The state says the land was bought and paid for and the Cherokee say it was stolen. To this day, a large number of whites in Kentucky still believe the land was sold voluntarily though there is no record of the transaction.


Quoted from Shelton
If I really had to be nitpicky about anything here, I would say that the production notes and ANGLE ON's weren't needed, but they didn't do much to distract me anyway.


I especially apologize for the direction. I had originally intended to produce this myself. I thought I had resubmitted a draft without these. Sorry for that.

Mike, thank you so much for taking the time. Iím trying to make rounds and read stuff but here lately, Iíve only been able to read shorts. I promise Iím going to tear into some feature lengths as soon as possible and yours are already on my desktop.

Thanks again,

Breanne


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Martin
Posted: January 25th, 2006, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Don would go nuts and kill me. Hey, thereÔŅĹs an idea for a script. Don goes crazy... and picks us all off one by one.


Hmmmm... interesting.

Just so you know, I started reading this Brea.

The whole handicapped episode had me in stitches. I'll get back to you with some comments in the next couple of days.

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Gaara
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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This was great. I actually laughed more at this then I have at quite a lot of recent comedy films. If this was ever filmed I would definately go and see it. Perhaps even by the special edition DVD


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. Thanks for the kind words, Wolfsfang. Youíre one. Now, if I can just get a few million more people like youÖ.

Seriously, I really, truly appreciate it.

Breanne


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James McClung
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy, eh? After reading your last three scripts, I didn't think you as someone who'd be interested in comedy. But then again it's good to versitile.

I'll be sure to read this at some point this weekend.


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James McClung
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I'm done.

I liked this a lot. I thought it was a very original, quirky comedy.

A couple things about the plot:

1. After the snake incident, Anna Lee mentions that her years of inactivity saved her life. Hasn't she just spent years doing labor at a factory?

2. I think Madge's role should be expanded to add more conflic to the story. The script's already quite long as is so I guess you could shorten or cut scenes you don't think are important. That's just my opinion though. If you think it's fine the way it is, cool. No need to change anything.

3. The end was funny and the twist was good but I think the conflict was resolved a bit too quickly. I expected it to be a bigger deal that Anna was supposedly impersonating a handicapped person and that something would happen between her and Heath. Perhaps instead of Heath discovering the sign was buried, they scene could carry on until Alice said that it wasn't a handicapped space.

All in all, the story's in good shape and the characters were quirky and fitting to the plot but likeable. Most of the problems I found involved the format. There were way too many camera directions, production notes, and underlines. Some of them were neccesary (the cuts on page 29 and the montages) but I'd say definitely drop the underlines as they were pretty distracting.

Other than that, very funny stuff. The insults were creative and taken really far at times, which is good. It's important to push the envelope. My favorite scene was the one with the poaches and loggers. It was like Deliverance with jokes.

Good job! Perhaps I should think twice before using a handicapped stall next time .


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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James,

I apologize for the camera direction. To be honest, Iím not sure what happened. I thought I had resubmitted a different version. In fact, I thought Iíd replaced all rtf versions of all my feature lengths. Iíll fix it and put up a version without the direction. Sorry. Thatís become annoying to me as well the more I get used to seeing scripts without it.

In fact, Iím not so sure I would even write a shooting script if I was going to make a movie anymore. I think I would just put direction with the story boards and make a separate scene by scene account while leaving the script alone.

1) Yeah, she worked a hard job but that doesnít necessarily make one in good shape. There are plenty of factory workers with what I think were called ďjelly-like innardsĒ if I remember correctly.

2) Oh, Iím sure there are plenty of things that can be changed, cut, added, etc. I was afraid of over-Madging it but I see your point.

3) I originally conceived of this to just be ridiculous and fun. I wanted characters people could care about without taking too serious. I didnít really think of the ending as a twist. It just sort of happened that way on its own. I actually wrote this from start to finish without a treatment or anything. I sat down one day and just started writing. Just to see where the characters would go on their own. I didnít stop until it was through. Then I set about shaping and molding it into a cohesive story.

Thanks for your compliments and suggestions. Iíll use them and hopefully tighten it up.

Breanne


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 29th, 2006, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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Looking back over this, Iíve found a lot of problems with the formatting. Iím not really sure what happened or why but Iím working on it so if anyone was thinking about reading this, please hold off for a bit. Iím planning on posting a reformatted version that will be much more pleasing to the eye. I apologize for the error.

Breanne


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Martin
Posted: January 31st, 2006, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Brea,

I read this the other night but never got around to commenting. I didn't make any notes so this review will be pretty general. Since you have a later draft of this I won't mention the production notes. However, I did notice that your dialogue runs quite far to the right which probably means the script will be a tad longer when it's reformatted.

Overall, I got plenty of laughs out of this. I love dry, irreverent humour so this is my kind of comedy. You really crammed in a lot of jokes too. I read somewhere that comedy scripts should have a laugh on every page and I think you've achieved that.

Again, I'm impressed with your character development, especially the way you set up the protagonist in the first act. By the time Ann-Lee arrived at the camp, I was already rooting for her. You give her a great introduction that sets the tone for the rest of the script (not that you rely on toilet humour )

If you're making cuts, I'd say get her to the camp a little quicker. The first act isn't exactly slow but I felt you possibly spent a little too long with Theo and Delia. I think there's room to trim a couple of pages off the first act.

Running gags are essential in this type of comedy and you do a great job with yours. Ann-Lee's problem with toilets is one example, but I think the best example is the 'unicorns and rainbows' line. It offsets some of the darker humour and really defines Ann-Lee's character. She's looking for a fairy tale and, in the end, she gets one. I'm not a big fan of rom-coms and this aint your typical rom-com, but little things like that will appeal to your audience.

I love the introductions at the camp. The jokes are so dry and I was cracking up, especially the 'mallet operator' joke.

Sadly, I've never seen Billy Jack so those jokes were lost on me. You have quite a few references in there so it might be best to lose one or two otherwise you alienate a decent chunk of the audience.

In the end, I was hoping Madge would play a bigger part. The pay-off is excellent but I was hoping for more conflict in the lead up to that moment. Personally, I thought the part with the hunters and loggers, although funny, sidetracked from the central conflict with Madge. I'm sure there's more potential comedy with Madge since she makes a great villain.  

Overall, another impressive piece of work. I laughed a lot when I read this and even a few times afterwards just thinking about it. Great stuff.



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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 31st, 2006, 7:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks for reading.

Yeah, Iím having to do more retooling than I thought. It would be longer with the reformatting but I see quite a bit of room for cuts. In fact, after the reviews, Iím thinking this is perhaps simply too early of a draft.

It was never really intended to be a masterpiece. It was meant to be what you described; an irreverent comedy. Your points are well taken and I sure appreciate you and the other reviewers pointing them out to me.

Iíve basically adopted the philosophy that if something is questionable, itís got to go. So Iím going to slash this one. Any more length, I think, would be worse than the cuts, even if I cut some of the good stuff.

Billy Jack was hugely popular in America throughout the seventies as was quite a bit of Native American things. Long before Rambo, Billy Jack was a karate wielding green beret and Indian half-breed who stomped the crap out of racists and bigots. And he was like insanely good looking. In real life, Tom Laughlin (the actor who portrayed him) is a Jungian genius so Iíve always been fascinated with him. The movies really werenít very good but they had great fight scenes and the name Billy Jack was synonymous with badass up until around the time Rambo took the torch.

Again, thank you for the read and the suggestions. Iíll use them for sure.


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Martin
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I'll have to look up Billy Jack. In all honesty I'd never even heard of it until I read this. Maybe it was never big this side of the pond.

By the way, do you have a revised draft of Metatron you can send me. I want to read it but I remember it was something like 150 pages. Did you ever get around to the rewrite? I'll read it either way. I found the script but I can't find the discussion board for it. What genre is it?
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