Emil, The Other Santa's Reindeer by Michel J. Duthin - Short, Children - Emil, the other Santa's reindeer, has to prove he can fill Rudolph's shoes on that Christmas night. 7 pages - pdf, format

I went into this one expecting about as much as I did from all the other short scripts I read and reviewed tonight. That was my mistake. This is a really good script.

I could really see this as a CGI movie. It just had a really neat feel to it. It was simplistic, well written and the way he tries to teach himself Right from left would be really rewarding for kids.

This is a good little script.

Aside from a few spelling mistakes here and there and maybe a little bit of a rushed ending, I see no qualms with this one. I really enjoyed it.

Good job!

Baltis~

Baltis, thanks for your review. It's true that it is difficult to write for children. It was my first attempt. Glad, it looks successful.

Quoted from Balt Aside from a few spelling mistakes here and there and maybe a little bit of a rushed ending, ~

Can you tell me exactly what are they so I won't make the same mistakes next time. Thanks again

Michel

awww, this was cute, probably one of the nicest scripts on this site, very sweet.

few mistakes like on page 2  you say "much far" should be "too far"

on page 3 you say "this kind of things"  should be "these kind of things"

but other than that this is a really cute story with a lot of heart, I was smiling the whole time.  In 7 pages you really let us care about poor Emile.  This would make a perfect animated holiday short

Great job

I first hesitated before submit that script because I didn't see any of this kind. I must admit I was right and I very glad you all enjoyed it. In fact, it should had been the first episode of a serie I planned to write years ago, but I just wrote this one. The serie was about a toy shop where, at night after the owner has left, every toys was telling its story. I submitted it to the French TV, but had an answer.

Michel

This was a cute little story, one that would greatly improve by simply expanding it.  Doubling or tripling its length, IMHO, wouldn't be hard to do

A couple of points/suggestions/questions here (spoiler space):

What happened to Rudolph?  You said he was ill.  For a kids' story, you have to explain it a little bit before kids start running around, screaming "Rudolph's got a tumor!  Rudolph's got a tumor!"

I received the impression that Emil was leading the reindeer.  Why would the new guy be doing that?  Why not one of the other, more experienced, reindeer?  Put Emil in the back where he would simply follow the others.

I can't think of any places where hunting is allowed at night.

Twice, you used the phrase, 'of course.'  Don't use that in a description.  It takes away from the story.

As I said earlier, expand on the story.  It's a good idea.


Phil

Thought I'd give this a read. Seven pages isn't asking a lot and the fact that it's written for children kind of interested me. I don't think Hollywood knows how to make decent movies for kids anymore.

Few problems here. At one point, you say Santa's slay is "half upside down." Just say sideways and leave it at that. Also, I don't much care for characters talking to themselves. I know it's technically against the rules but why not use V.O. instead. I think the fact that Emil's an animal makes this somewhat acceptable. Other than that, I actually enjoyed this. I think it was good for what it is. It kind of reminded me of Elf (one of the only good family films of this day and age) in the sense of Emil trying to fit into a group. It was somewhat predictable but in a way that isn't really bad and I thought the conclusion was satisfying. All in all, an enjoyable read. Good job.

Hey, this is a really sweet story, Michel.  Pretty funny to find this next to "Maggots".

I also saw this one as animated, with those puppets like they have in some of the Christmas specials.

For a few nit-picks, I would point out that reindeer have hooves, not paws, and would wonder how Emil ties the string that he finds.  Maybe use a bracelet or something?

And about the title.  I can't believe nobody has suggested to you yet that this be changed to "Emil, Santa's Other Reindeer".  The way you have it now it reads as if there is another Santa!

Anyway, I like this one.  Like Phil, I could see this being a little longer, with a few more adventures for Emil over the course of this night.  He certainly doesn't get old to the reader after only seven pages.

Hey Michel,

This is a pretty good story but you can make it even better.  The premise is great and it's kind of like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Part 2, except this is with a fella named Emil.  The story is excellent, the descriptions are vivid and Emil overcoming his right/left confusion was very well done.  I think an improvement in your dialogue will make this script all the more better.  Santa didn't have that ho-ho feel to him.  He just seemed like a regular guy.  Make him more jolly!  And the Rabbit, for some reason I see him kind of like a Danny DeVito type guy--short, stalky, smoking a cigar--I don't know.  Something like that.  A personality or something.

I think if you sharpen up the dialogue then it'll perfectly complement the story.  Just remember to HO HO HO!!!  Haha.  Good job!

Thanks to all about your comments. I may be thinking about a longer script kinda "Emil strikes back".

Quoted from dogglebe What happened to Rudolph?  You said he was ill.  For a kids' story, you have to explain it a little bit before kids start running around, screaming "Rudolph's got a tumor!  Rudolph's got a tumor!"

do not worry kids, Rudolph's fine. Just a flu.

Quoted from dogglebe I can't think of any places where hunting is allowed at night.

it's a fairytale. Don't you remember? Myself, I can't think of any place where wolves are eating kids LOL

Michel

I like it it's cute. The way Emil ties the red string around his right paw to remember right from left. I don't understand why santa came back before dawn.

I felt my heart race when they were running from the hunter. I hoped that Emil won't get shot. Nice formatting and the structure was good to. A few spelling errors on page 3 There was one. I can't remember whewre the other one was.

Keep up the good work.

Dan

This is a nice little short piece, easy to read and with good formatting.

The story feels like a classical fairy tale. I like the idea of using the piece of red string. It is so simple yet so effective.  i love reading old folktales, fables and Brother Grimm type stuff and if someone told me your story about emil and swore it was an old fable from way back, I would have believed it to be so as your simple script captures the heart and spirit of those old fables perfectly.    

Just a quick  note to inform everyone that I'm currently working on the re-writing of this script following all your suggestions. Hope it'll be ready around Christmas.

Thanks to you all for your encouragements.

Hope this new one will please you more.


Michel