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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Daring Risk of Standing Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Daring Risk of Standing  (currently 2083 views)
Don
Posted: August 2nd, 2006, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Daring Risk of Standing by Mike Carlone (marshallamps123) - Short, Drama - Walt Tunit wants to leave the family barbecue, while struggling with himself at the same time.     A July, 2006 One Week Writing Challenge Entry - html, format


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Don  -  August 23rd, 2006, 9:53am
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Parker
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Arr, that was lovely story. Wasn't expecting that after the other 7 or so scripts I've already read about murderers, death, heart attacks and just some pretty gory, sick, disturbing stuff soooo... it was a nice script to end on until tomorrow.

Obviously, I'm not too sure who wrote this... I'm gonna go for a (sorry if this offends anyone especially the writer) but maybe a female wrote this? No...? Yes...?

The reason I say that is because it was such a nice story. Most of the guy stories around here are blood, guts, death and cursing. Still, I'm not saying men aren't capable... okay, I'll stop about genders and what not... onto the story!

Again, it was a lovely tale that I fully enjoyed. The dialogue was the strongest point obviously and it was very well written. I was fully focused whilst reading this script and imagining every moment in my head like a film. So that's saying something good.

A very nice script indeed. A happy, happy story. Great job!

GBM


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The boy who could fly
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Parker

The reason I say that is because it was such a nice story. Most of the guy stories around here are blood, guts, death and cursing. Still, I'm not saying men aren't capable... okay, I'll stop about genders and what not... onto the story!
GBM


LOL...UM, you should check out some of the lady writers here, they probably come up with some of the most shocking twisted scripts on this site.

This was a cute script, a lot lighter than some of the others but it also didn't go into the kinda comedy that some did, it's more in between.

this was a nice easy read, nothing offensive, nothing mean, but also not a lot happens, but I do think it worked so good job


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mgj
Posted: August 3rd, 2006, 11:36pm Report to Moderator
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A good effort but this one didn't quite work for me.  There's something missing.  As I replay the story-arc in my mind the pieces don't seem to all be there.

Walt does eventually find enlightenment, so to speak, after some soul-searching but what's the triggering mechanism?  This needs to be better defined, I think.

I will say this though - this is the first script I know of that made use of ant splatter as a conversation piece.  


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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bert
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 1:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm...an html story that is super-heavy on the dialogue.  A handful of readers around here may recognize this author if my suspicions are correct.

Walt has a very simple arc in this story, and I think he follows this arc in a very believable fashion, as he finally locates his moment of inertia.

I love how his main argument against change is the fact that he has found a comfortable chair at the party.  Many times I have found just such a chair.

The title -- though unusual -- is apt.

Not my favorite of these stories.  A bit talky for my tastes.  But not too bad, either.  It is a simple story -- simply told -- by an author with a good ear for dialogue.


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greg
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this story alot because it was realistic - probably the most realistic of the bunch, actually.  Truly a nice story you have here.  No violence, no cursing, no heartbreak, but it is a drama.  Probably the lightest drama of the bunch which leaves you in a good mood.

There's not much to complain about.  Some may not like the fact that this is heavy on dialogue but I found it to be very enjoyable and well written.  See, I was waiting for something bad to happen at the end, like Angela was hired by Jimmy to play Walt or something, or after Walt finds enlightment a car runs him over.  I don't know.  Something out there.

But this was a very heartfelt story and I enjoyed it very much.  Very nice work!


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Helio
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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I don't think if I liked or not this piece. I'm very puzzeled.

Look, whoever you are. It is not you fault it is my crazy mind, but I have to agree with Walt about family barbecues: all time is chat-chat , but do what?

Forgive me about that, maybe later after to read those dozens of challenge scripts I will change my feeling about it.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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This one was okay, nothing special. It was a bit dull on story and a bit boring with dialogue.

The biggest problem is that thereís nothing to care about and no reason to bother. The main character Walt is depressed but not dangerously so. Heís a boring guy with no charisma. Heís very shy but not paralyzed completely by it. He eventually gets up with very little motivation. Heís shy about girls but offers no traits to interest a girl. Heís a weak person of both mind and body and comes off almost as a spoiled whiner - a turnoff for any girl.

I mean, heís okay. Heís just so, well, mediocre. So is the writing. Itís not particularly bad. Itís just not anything at all. Itís so average and dull that the reader is never provoked to any more emotion than the dull main character. Itís just mostly chatty drivel that eventually winds up nowhere. So he finally talks to a girl. And they go on an ďadventureĒ -- which, for this main character, consists of driving around. Nothing wrong with driving around but itís hardly a reversal of his former self or any catharsis for his character.

In fact, the story and main character share the same fundamental traits - boring and mediocre.



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Kotton
Posted: August 4th, 2006, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty much a "talking heads" movie. Which isn't always bad, though for those to work you really have to have something interesting to tell.

I felt that the dialogue seemed pretty natural,Yet I hoped that it would lead to some kind of realization for Walt. I don't think it did.

I agree with Breane in that there isn't anything to care about.

An opportunity for Uncle Jimmy's dialogue to really shine was missed in my opinion. He could have been the wise old uncle who imparts wisdom on his young nephew. Instead his words seemed only reactionary.

I also had a little problem with Angela noticing the ant speck on his hand.I just don't think it would have been noticed, or attention brought to it. They were at a bar-b-que right?

With a whole lot of character building and an interesting problem for them to deal with you might of had something here. The writing style shows promise and I'm speaking to how natural the dialogue flowed. It just went nowhere fast.

Good effort though. It is hard to write for one of these OWE things, so I commend you for entering.

-kotton


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George Willson
Posted: August 5th, 2006, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Well, that was rather simple. I did catch the drama in it with Walt making his big decision. A couple oddities, though. Angela's been coming to these parties for a long time...why didn't Walt know her? Oh, and ant blood? That was just...weird.

You missed a typo: "Hate's a strong word", not work.

In the end, it was just simplicity at its best. A slice of life story. Good job. The only improvement I can see would be reaching for a bit of backstory for Jimmy and Walt. Their lives seem to begin with the story.


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tomson
Posted: August 5th, 2006, 11:52pm Report to Moderator
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Everyone elses comments before me are probably correct and truthful, but I have to say that the dialogue was top notch. Felt very natural.

I never really had a feel for a BBQ or where this story was going. All I'm going to say is that somehow I felt pretty good afterwards. Can't really explain why, but I did, so Good job!

A few typos, but other than that, nice format as well.

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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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A simple story with a simple ending. My only complaint with the script is that dialogue was the life of the story. Personally, I would have liked to have my reading be moved along by action. That's okay though to have a couple sitting in chairs talking.
It was sweet, but not much going on. That's okay, too, I guess. A lot of family bar-be-ques are that way. so...

Good job with the challenge,
Cindy


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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 6th, 2006, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
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This was a good little romantic short. The dialogue, in my opinion, was a little iffy in some points, but it was still well written. The story was good, and I enjoyed it a lot.

I laughed when Walt said he accidentally squashed an ant, and felt guilty about it afterwards.

Good job.

Sean


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dogglebe
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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While I thought the story, itself, was nice and realistic, I thought it was dragged out.  The length probably could've been cut in half.  And I found the lack of any action to be distracting.  Even though Jimmy and Walt are just talking, you have to describe them doing something, even if it's something as insignificant as drinking a soda.  Break up the dialogue.


Phil
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James McClung
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 11:31pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one. I enjoyed its dosile tone for one. No death and depravity. I think a romantic plotline works much better in the context of a family barbeque. The story was simple but interesting enough. Basically a guy trying to talk to a girl. The characters were likeable as well and relatively well-developed. I did, however, think the story was a little too repetative. Almost every conversation (even the ant killing) was reiterated later on. I thought this was unneccesary. All it served to do was slow down your story.

Other than that, I thought this was a well-written dramatic piece and one of the most secure in the guidelines of the challenge as well. Good job.


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