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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Big Stiff Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Big Stiff  (currently 5071 views)
Don
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Big Stiff by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Short, Drama - A family funeral brings up some interesting questions and some unwanted home truths. 27 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  September 23rd, 2012, 4:38am
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dogglebe
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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This seemed like the opening scene of a feature length piece, Alffy.  You set up a good story and then left us hanging with the punchline..  You set up some good characters and a good premise (meeting a girl at a funeral).  Stretch it out.  Your main character has a goal, now.  Have him pursue it.

Your writing could be a little tighter here and there.  You're a bit wordy.  An example from page one:

A group of People of differing ages are gathered outside the church, they are all dressed in smart black attire.

could be reduced to:

People gather outside a church, all dressed in black.

Little things, like this make a big difference in scriptwriting.


Phil
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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty cool, it had me chuckling quite a few times, which is pretty good considering it's only six pages. Your writing could be a little tighter and it does seem like the start of something more, cuz the girl just kinda disappears and goes nowhere. But all in all I liked it.

Other small stuff...

top pg 2 - Their should be they're. and you missed a couple of apostrophes. and you should have a question mark after the word "right" on the bottom of page 3


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spencerforhire
Posted: January 14th, 2007, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy -- a good story. And I really like the ending. Funerals and Hard Ons are fabulous in any story. Always makes for some good humor.

I agree with Dogglebe that your descriptions need to be tightened. When you are writing a spec you need to only show the bare minimums. An agent or producer want a fast read... And they want something unique and interesting. A friend of mine (who has actually written and produced real films) told me a great secret. Want to know what it is. Email me and I will share with you.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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chism
Posted: January 15th, 2007, 12:01am Report to Moderator
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Alffy,

A pretty good script. Your dialog wasn't too shabby and there were a few laughs in there. Overall, a nice little script.


Cheers, Chismeister.
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Seth
Posted: January 15th, 2007, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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This script is, I think, well written. Still, there are a couple of lines that could be tighter. For example, "David removes some tiny earphones from his ears and lets them hang over the top of his jacket." The word 'some' isn't necessary. In fact, this sentence could be written with far fewer words.

As others have commented; A spec script should be a quick, easy read. One that doesn't include superfluous words.

Another sentence that stands out: "David turns and looks at the young woman again. He eyes her up and down, pausing on her large breasts trying to escape her blouse." We already, given previous discriptives, know that her breasts are bulging out. That said, there isn't a need to reiterate.

There are a number of other errors, as pointed out by Sryknows.

Still, over all, the writing is solid. There's something about the style that I like. As for the story, it has its humorous moments -- double meanings, etc. Still, Like others, I'd like to see this expanded.

Seth  






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Stranger Than Yesterday
Diplopia

And Sweetie XD



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Seth  -  January 15th, 2007, 1:19am
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mcornetto
Posted: January 15th, 2007, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said.
The writing was good, but it could use a few tweaks to tighten it more.
Even though you had an amusing punchline, it seemed incomplete - like it wanted to say more. I wasn't satisfied by the ending.

You did a good job though.  Keep it up! (heh)

pg 3
I bet their - I bet they're
the cars here - the car's here(?)
pg 4
I, he was son - Aye, he was son (possibly)
pg 5
Her there - Hey there(?)

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Parker
Posted: January 15th, 2007, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy, when I first saw the title I was like, "Okay, that sounds a little weird."

SPOILERS!!!

Well, funny choice of title I guess. Got a few laughs out of this, especially the ending when realising the title meant more than it did at first glance. Could use a little tightening up. Some descriptions are larger than they could be but it didn't kill the read for me. Might for others though as already been stated above somewhere.

Even though I did want to know if he did find her again, the ending would be spoiled if you added more. I'm not entirely sure if most of the script was just a stall for the big punch line at the end but you did well with it.

Nice work.


I may be an idiot, but I'm no idiot.
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alffy
Posted: January 15th, 2007, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Blimey guys thanks for all the reads already.

This is the first draft so I will try and tighten it up in the next draft.  I thought I'd picked up all the mistakes but I guess a few always filter through.

Phil, I do worry that I over describe, so I'll look at that.

Sryknows, I never thought of expanding it but you never know...maybe.

Spencer, thanks for the read and I'll defo email you for the secret.

Chismeister, my dialogue is something I worry about because most of the people on these boards are American, and being English, sometimes it doesn't come across right.

Seth, thanks for giving this the once over.  Like I said I'll try and tighten it up.

mcornetto, see above...maybe I'll expand it?

Parkster, hey a fellow Brit.  Glad you liked it, Knob jokes are a tradition in England. lol.

Cheers everyone.


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You can find my scripts here
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James McClung
Posted: January 16th, 2007, 10:17pm Report to Moderator
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This was a decent read but it needs more. The scenario of David hoping to get a girl at a funeral full with family members is hilarious. Funerals always make for "wrong place, wrong time" humor. However the story never seems to go any place. We never find out what happens with David and this girl. From the title and the end of the story, I can deduce that the girl isn't exactly the hook of the story but even the hook felt half-baked. We get the "big stiff" but we don't get the reaction. I'd like to see Aunty Judith recoil in horror and David make a lame attempt to explain himself. Something to that effect. You get the idea.

Anyway, not bad but I think a good once-over would make this story much more satisfying and, more importantly, complete.


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alffy
Posted: January 17th, 2007, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read James.

I was hoping to imply that maybe David had an erection or maybe it was his mp3 player in his trouser pocket that pressed against his aunty.

I'm gonna tidy this up and repost it soon.  As far as the girl, I've had thoughts of maybe continuing the story as maybe a follow up short.  Moving it on to the buffet and maybe filling a bit of backstory of his dad and aunty Judith.

Anywho cheers for your comments.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 17th, 2007, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I should have paid more attention to the title before reading this, Alffy. I wasn't expecting that until the last moment.

This was a nice short, more comedy than a drama, but, to tell you the truth, I did not like Trevor. He was annoying and shushed you up too much. But I guess that is what you get when you're at a funeral, horny, and sitting next to a fity-year-old man, who is your father.

A few spelling errors, but that won't hurt, and your descriptions were nice, just to point that out. Was it Aunty Judith's husband who died? Or father? Someone close to her, I can tell.

But one suggestion: you should have made whoever died come back as a zombie...

Sean


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alffy
Posted: January 17th, 2007, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Sean, dunno about the zombie thing tho. lol

Glad you enjoyed it.  I always proof read but I always seem to miss a few spelling mistakes, aint that always the way.  To be honest I don't really wanna discuss the 'stiff' because I'm toying with idea of either expanding this or writing a follow up, and that might come up then (who he is I mean).

alffy


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Alfred Hitchcock
Posted: January 19th, 2007, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Well I suppose everyone has already pointed out the several grammar and format mistakes so I'll skip that.

Decent enough but I wanted more. Funny situation, it was but it had no real point really. Maybe try to make it longer and add some characters and other stuff going on in the funeral.

Keep it up!


When things go wrong I seem to be bad
But I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood
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alffy
Posted: January 19th, 2007, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Daniel,

I'm working on it....


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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