All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
This seemed like the opening scene of a feature length piece, Alffy. You set up a good story and then left us hanging with the punchline.. You set up some good characters and a good premise (meeting a girl at a funeral). Stretch it out. Your main character has a goal, now. Have him pursue it.
Your writing could be a little tighter here and there. You're a bit wordy. An example from page one:
A group of People of differing ages are gathered outside the church, they are all dressed in smart black attire.
could be reduced to:
People gather outside a church, all dressed in black.
Little things, like this make a big difference in scriptwriting.
This one was pretty cool, it had me chuckling quite a few times, which is pretty good considering it's only six pages. Your writing could be a little tighter and it does seem like the start of something more, cuz the girl just kinda disappears and goes nowhere. But all in all I liked it.
Other small stuff...
top pg 2 - Their should be they're. and you missed a couple of apostrophes. and you should have a question mark after the word "right" on the bottom of page 3
"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin "I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson "It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush "Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck "What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15 "No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition "Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
Alffy -- a good story. And I really like the ending. Funerals and Hard Ons are fabulous in any story. Always makes for some good humor.
I agree with Dogglebe that your descriptions need to be tightened. When you are writing a spec you need to only show the bare minimums. An agent or producer want a fast read... And they want something unique and interesting. A friend of mine (who has actually written and produced real films) told me a great secret. Want to know what it is. Email me and I will share with you.
This script is, I think, well written. Still, there are a couple of lines that could be tighter. For example, "David removes some tiny earphones from his ears and lets them hang over the top of his jacket." The word 'some' isn't necessary. In fact, this sentence could be written with far fewer words.
As others have commented; A spec script should be a quick, easy read. One that doesn't include superfluous words.
Another sentence that stands out: "David turns and looks at the young woman again. He eyes her up and down, pausing on her large breasts trying to escape her blouse." We already, given previous discriptives, know that her breasts are bulging out. That said, there isn't a need to reiterate.
There are a number of other errors, as pointed out by Sryknows.
Still, over all, the writing is solid. There's something about the style that I like. As for the story, it has its humorous moments -- double meanings, etc. Still, Like others, I'd like to see this expanded.
There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. The writing was good, but it could use a few tweaks to tighten it more. Even though you had an amusing punchline, it seemed incomplete - like it wanted to say more. I wasn't satisfied by the ending.
You did a good job though. Keep it up! (heh)
pg 3 I bet their - I bet they're the cars here - the car's here(?) pg 4 I, he was son - Aye, he was son (possibly) pg 5 Her there - Hey there(?)
Hey Alffy, when I first saw the title I was like, "Okay, that sounds a little weird."
Well, funny choice of title I guess. Got a few laughs out of this, especially the ending when realising the title meant more than it did at first glance. Could use a little tightening up. Some descriptions are larger than they could be but it didn't kill the read for me. Might for others though as already been stated above somewhere.
Even though I did want to know if he did find her again, the ending would be spoiled if you added more. I'm not entirely sure if most of the script was just a stall for the big punch line at the end but you did well with it.
This was a decent read but it needs more. The scenario of David hoping to get a girl at a funeral full with family members is hilarious. Funerals always make for "wrong place, wrong time" humor. However the story never seems to go any place. We never find out what happens with David and this girl. From the title and the end of the story, I can deduce that the girl isn't exactly the hook of the story but even the hook felt half-baked. We get the "big stiff" but we don't get the reaction. I'd like to see Aunty Judith recoil in horror and David make a lame attempt to explain himself. Something to that effect. You get the idea.
Anyway, not bad but I think a good once-over would make this story much more satisfying and, more importantly, complete.
I was hoping to imply that maybe David had an erection or maybe it was his mp3 player in his trouser pocket that pressed against his aunty.
I'm gonna tidy this up and repost it soon. As far as the girl, I've had thoughts of maybe continuing the story as maybe a follow up short. Moving it on to the buffet and maybe filling a bit of backstory of his dad and aunty Judith.
Anywho cheers for your comments.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
I should have paid more attention to the title before reading this, Alffy. I wasn't expecting that until the last moment.
This was a nice short, more comedy than a drama, but, to tell you the truth, I did not like Trevor. He was annoying and shushed you up too much. But I guess that is what you get when you're at a funeral, horny, and sitting next to a fity-year-old man, who is your father.
A few spelling errors, but that won't hurt, and your descriptions were nice, just to point that out. Was it Aunty Judith's husband who died? Or father? Someone close to her, I can tell.
But one suggestion: you should have made whoever died come back as a zombie...
Thanks Sean, dunno about the zombie thing tho. lol
Glad you enjoyed it. I always proof read but I always seem to miss a few spelling mistakes, aint that always the way. To be honest I don't really wanna discuss the 'stiff' because I'm toying with idea of either expanding this or writing a follow up, and that might come up then (who he is I mean).
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.