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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    Short Sci Fi - January 07 One Week Challenge  ›  Crunch Crunch
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  Author    Crunch Crunch  (currently 3516 views)
Don
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Crunch Crunch by Terence Mann - Short, Sci Fi  - Crunch Crunch or a weird use of a popcorn box. 4 pages - pdf, format


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tomson
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Don't for a second think I don't know who wrote this.  

SPOILERS:

Maybe I wasn't my sharpest today, but I failed to see how the stuff on the moon and the stuff in the movie theater where related. I know there was a movie showing, but I still didn't see the connection.

Maybe if someone else deciphers this I can be enlightened.

The English was pretty good though.  
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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This one was left open. With Pia here, the movie and what was actually happening in theaters didn't seem to relevant. I mean you have the sci-fi on the movie screen, and the popcorn in reality, but how do they go together? And the "CRUNCH CRUNCH" seemed sort of unnecessary in my case, because I thought it was going to lead to something later, but just adding sound effects to show that someone was eating something, well, crunchy.

I didn't really find the last line that funny if that was where you were headed, but it was a good use of irony.


But other than those, this was okay. May needs a little bit of work and you can probably stretch it out a bit.

Sean


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Steve-Dave
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with the others, but not bad for 3 pages. And you did have sci fi and popcorn in it, so it's not like it broke the rules. and it got pretty raunchy pretty quick, so that's a thumbs up right there. There were a few grammar problems though.


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greg
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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I have no idea what was going on here.  Stuff on the moon, then some chick giving her boyfriend a blowjob, then a CRUNCH CRUNCH in between everything?  I'm lost.


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dogglebe
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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The idea of adding the lunar shots and the movie theater scene together was obviously a joke and it was cute in a WTF sort of way.  Still, I think scripts like this bring the OWC down.


Phil
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GM
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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This was a creative take on the concept but I had diffculty reading the story. It  didn't flow right. It simply just cut into one scene after another without letting the reader know there was going to be a transition. The Crunch Crunch was probably was the answer to this but I think it should be described or dialgoued as sounds coming from somewhere else.  Description wise, there-there. Needs a bit more editing.

Gabe


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Mr.Z
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 11:07pm Report to Moderator
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It had pop corn and sci-fi, but as other readers already mentioned, you failed to linked both. There's a physical connection -since the story happens in a movie theatre were a sci-fi movie is being shown- but there’s no dramatic connection between pop corn and sci-fi; the story as a whole feels like a sex joke in which sci-fi has no relevance at all.

There’s some positive aspects as well. The way I see it, pop corn has some relevance in the story and there’s a punchline at the end (Scott’s comment) which gives the story some sense of closure.


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spencerforhire
Posted: January 21st, 2007, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Okay, WOW!!! I think I know the writer and to save my own embarrassment I won't guess and be wrong. This was weird, whacky, and yes I didn't get the connection between the moon and the theater. Good job for a one week exercise.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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mcornetto
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 3:41am Report to Moderator
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I thought the connection wasn't there between sci-fi and popcorn. And even though both were mentioned it didn't really meet the criteria for the challenge.  That doesn't mean it wasn't unusual or different. And as Pia said you did do well with the english.

But there was no lead up to the sexual event.  If he was at least squirming because she kept putting her hand in his lap to get popcorn - or if she seem bored and wanted to be affectionate - or it could have been established that she was a prostitue - or even if they were watching a porno sci-fi movie this would have made more sense dramatically.

Also the end didn't work for me.  Not the last line - which I got a little chuckle from - but the part before that where she was looking - what exactly was she looking for?
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Parker
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 6:22am Report to Moderator
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This was kind of a joke I thought. I was just waiting for the punch line at the end, which I got and wasn't disappointed, but the I knew this was more of a comedy sketch or something than anything else.

Also, there are a load of movie theatres entering these scripts. Last time it was milkmen, this time movie theatres.


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Higgonaitor
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hey.

The movie that was going on on the screen was completely superfluous to the script.  It was there simply for the sci-fi element, which didn't even work out in the end.  You would have been better off having them watch a hologram of a regular movie, so that a future setting was implied, than what you have here instead.  This wasn't sci-fi, it featured sci-fi.  There is a large difference.

The actually plot was amusing though, with a funny one liner at the end.


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darthbrion
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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meh this was just okay.  the story didn't really meet the standards set by the challenge in my opinion.  It was just basically one long joke about a guy gettin' a hummer in a theater.  

sorry, not one of my favorites.
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James McClung
Posted: January 22nd, 2007, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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What everyone else said...

The punchline was funny though.

Sorry, I know this isn't much of a review at all but, for once, I actually have nothing to say that hasn't already been said, let alone more than once.


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Helio
Posted: January 24th, 2007, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Melissa, Melissa, my dear! You did things better than that! Light! Caugh-caugh, that Scott was a spiteful fag!

Sorry, but I think that it would be better whether Melissa performance was inside a cinema in the future and the crunch-crunch would sound very good, you know?
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