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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October '07 One Week Challenge  ›  Gourdy
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  Author    Gourdy  (currently 4996 views)
Don
Posted: October 6th, 2007, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Gourdy by Ereckson - Short, Comedy - A heartbroken farm girl dukes it out with kinfolk and yokels when she falls head over heels for her Halloween creation. < 12 pages - pdf, format


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 10:09am Report to Moderator
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Liked the title on this, the set up was great with Gourdy being a potential love interest...

A good, funny concept that I don't think was fully exploited in the short...

There's a whole lot you could have done with a sexy young country gal and an amorous 802 strapping boy pumpkin...

Didn't quite get the ending with Raymond...I think he's the human representation of Gourdy, but beats me how Gourdy, now an established character, went from bein' a smashed up pumpkin to a human-maybe a curse or something?  

I didn't see Mabel as a Dream Theater (prog metal) person. Defineitly a Faith Hill or Carrie Underwood, maybe some Big & Rich if she's feeling saucy...




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Zombie Sean
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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This one was kind of hard to imagine how a girl can fall in love with a pumpkin, but it's sort of funny to think about it.

This one I didn't really quite laugh, though, I saw the jokes in it. I can see this as more of a family movie that anyone could enjoy.

Something that bothered me was that you forgot to introduce some people such as some of the townspeople and Gourdy.

Good work.

Sean


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Shelton
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a pretty good story and an interesting take on the theme.

I particularly liked the "not that kind of fruit" line, but the best part for me was in the ending.  That very last line of dialogue.

I do think that things could have been tightened up just a bit in the last few pages, and the sluglines were a little overdone with the MOMENTS LATER and CONTINUOUS tags, but nothing that should take the reader out of the story.

Nice job.  


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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 8:21pm Report to Moderator
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this one was pretty cute, filled with rednecks and hicks, my kinda people .  It wasn't laugh out loud funny but it had it's own charm.  Gourdy kinda reminded me of a talking Wilson .

                    GOURDY
             Not that kind of fruit              

HAHA....that line was pretty funny.

I was kinda lost at the ending though with Raymond G. Hampshire, I'm not quite sure what you were getting at.

All in all this one fit the challenge pretty well so good work.


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Seth
Posted: October 7th, 2007, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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This is very well written. I like the style. It's understated, sweet -- but lacks humor.

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Takeshi
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 6:13am Report to Moderator
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I thought a girl would fall in love with a carrot or a zucchini before she'd fall in love with a pumpkin (boom-tish), but love can be a crazy thing.  Anyway, there weren't too many laughs to be had here. I'd put this one in the category of fun but not particularly funny in a laugh out loud way, but then again, laugh out loud funny is pretty rare these days.  I liked how Gourdy could only function when his flame was lit and the ending (which I totally got) was cool too.

I know the story is only supposed to be twelve pages long, but once the challenge is over I think the story would be better if the build up to Gourdy and Mabel falling in love was lengthened, because I think Mabel fell in love with him a little too quickly, but then again, if I met a giant talking pumpkin I'd probably think they were pretty special too.

Nice work, but with a rewrite or two you could take this to the next level.  

Revision History (1 edits)
Takeshi  -  October 8th, 2007, 6:35am
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Higgonaitor
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Good job.

This was very funny, and really pulled me into it.  I was pretty sad when gourdy died at the end, which means you did a good job.  Only comment is don't have  Mabel admit her love to Harlan in that one scne so near the beginning.  Just have her say this is gourdy and have gourdy say "hello there!" and have him faint, and then maybe a breif montage of them falling in love.

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CindyLKeller
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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There's so many cute scripts... This is another one.

Poor girl falling for a pumpkin only for him to be killed.  
Ohhh...

I do have a question though...

If she loved this pumpkin, how could she stand to be around him when he was a pie and watch other people eat him?

Good job though,

Cindy  



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James McClung
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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This was a pretty good read. It's a comedy but in a very laid back kind of way. The story is so well developed for something conceived within a week, you kind of get lost in it and don't really think about the humor. That's a good thing though and you don't lose sight of the humor along the way. The characters were likeable and well developed and the conflict was interesting and, at times, suspenseful. Also, an original take on the genre and theme. Pretty solid script, overall.


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alffy
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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I found this strangely sad and upsetting rather than a comedy.  This is not a bad thing though cos i thought this was really well written.  I loved the idea of a girl falling for a pumpkin and the end, 'is the guy Gourdy?'.  I guess tis was funny but not in an obvious way, more in a ridiculous way.  Good stuff.


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Ian
Posted: October 8th, 2007, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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I think the idea of this one is funnier than the actual events that occur, which made for a sweet and amusing story but not many laughs. The only time I laughed out loud was at the 'not that kind of fruit' line, that was priceless, so even though I only laughed once it was a big laugh . Blakkwolfe said the concept could've been exploited more, and I agree. It seemed like there was way more that could've been done, in terms of comedy that is. As a romance it was quite quirky and cute so still a good read even if it wasn't particularly hilarious, and very well written, and like James said the story and characters are surprisingly developed considering the short length and amount of time available for planning. You actually root for this unlikely couple lol. A fun script overall. A bit short on laughs perhaps, but still enjoyable .


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Death Monkey
Posted: October 10th, 2007, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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This is really well written, the author definitely knows what he/she's doing. the humor wasn't for me though. The line most people found funny "not that kinda fruit" didn't work for me at at all. Guess I'm not all that much into gay euphemism humor.

but the story's sweet and there were a few times where I had to chuckle, when I visualized it on screen. The absurdity of the "I love him, Daddy" for instance.

One of the better scripts overall.


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michel
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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one of the best scripts I've read in this challenge. It's clever, well-written and the parabol works for me. Though my sense of humor sounds different than the author, I think it was definitely a good job.

Michel                                             


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 11th, 2007, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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The person who wrote this is an excellent writer.

I'm really impressed by this and will take my cues from them.

No, this isn't really the comedy asked for in this challenge, but it's packed a lot in the 12 pages.

This is definitely a minimalist script--the kind we should all strive for.

Wow, you've got craft and you've got style.

Excellent!

Sandra



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