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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Re-Right Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 4th, 2008, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Re-Right by Charles Spenser Davis - Short - Inspired by Shakespeare and fueled by ridiculous prejudice, this is the story of two star-crossed teenagers who fall in love despite their families', um, "wrong-handed" differences. Written in the fashion of a theatrical trailer. 13 pages - pdf, format


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GM
Posted: April 4th, 2008, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Wanted to repeat what I posted before. I think the script is great and needs to be turned into a feature. You have a lot of material to explore.

Gabe
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GM
Posted: April 6th, 2008, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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There's a small box that is for Don to read. Not the synopsis box, the other one. There inform Don about the new draft.

Gabe
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Dr. McPhearson
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Thanks to everyone so far for their very helpful reviews:


Quoted from Mr. Ripley
I think the script is great and needs to be turned into a feature. You have a lot of material to explore.


Quoted from bert
This is a clever idea, and your method of presentation, in the form of a trailer, feels like the correct one. This has some good comic bits throughout.


Quoted from stebrown
I think it's a great idea and I would definately read the feature.


Quoted from ABennettWriter
I loved the concept. It's hilarious.


Quoted from Sniper
Just finished "Re-Right" and I'm still sitting here with a big smile on my face. This was really really good. I thought the structure was spot on as was the humor and I would love to read a longer version of this story. Keep up the good work.


Quoted from NiK
This is actually something very different, something new. The idea of using the structure of the trailer it's really good. I like the way you pulled out the mythical love story of Romeo and Juliet into something funny.


Quoted from Greg
Popped this one open and was very happy that I did.  You really got something special going for you with this. Very entertaining piece. Well done.


Quoted from Mr. Z
I feel like I just sniffed a line of black comedy coke.


Quoted from Busy Little Bee
Bravo! You get in, make your point, and leave. It works really well! Great job on this one.


Quoted from Avlan
Best thing I've read via this forum, although I have to admit I did not read a lot yet . Made me laugh out loud.


Quoted from Me
The script took a bit of an NBK turn towards the end. This may surprise you, but I liked the craziness of that.


Thanks to all the reviews, negative or positive. I would definitely appreciate a read from anyone who hasn't looked over it yet. In any case, thanks so much for the support on my first SimplyScripts submission.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Dr. McPhearson  -  May 5th, 2008, 3:33pm
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bert
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Doc.  You have been dutifully poring over a number of scripts here, and are probably not getting as many reads on this as you deserve.

This is a clever idea, and your method of presentation, in the form of a trailer, feels like the correct one.  While I do not want to disrespect my pal Gabe up there, I am not sure if this idea has the legs to support a full feature.  There are only so many riffs you can take on the central conceit of this piece, and what you've got here, a collection of fragments, is a nice approach.  If anything, it may run a bit long.  There is a good bit of silliness here, and most of it works, but sometimes the joke is stretched a bit further than it should be.

For starters, I have a few comments on some of the unusual stylistic choices you have made.  There is that bold title shouting at me on the first page, for one.  And given the title, shouldn't it be justified on the right?  Or maybe you are going for an ironic thing having it on the left?  Anyways, centering the title is what people expect to see, but I have probably droned on about this very minor point long enough haha.

But you also have your sluglines bolded throughout.  And while there is always some helpful wag around here to point out exceptions to the rule, I am not aware of any circumstances where bolding is appropriate in a script.

But I also seem to recall your mentioning this script is for you to shoot yourself, and given that, you are pretty free to do whatever you darn well choose.  However, a montage "consisting of, but not limited to" is not very helpful to anyone, be it a reader or yourself.  I would encourage you to fill in those blanks before the cameras start rolling.

As to the story, there is some good stuff in there, and some that is not as good.

The Girl Scout, the pie, Marty's high, the ambidextrous line, and the hand dryer were all pretty amusing to me.  And the opening scene was very effective in getting things rolling and letting us know all we needed to know in a single page.  Similarly, your closing bit in the elevator is good, comically establishing that there is more yet to come.

As far the parts I did not like as much, perhaps the biggest one is Greg backhanding his daughter, which is probably going a bit too far, and would be difficult to portray as funny under any circumstances. The counselor has some very odd dialogue; this passage seemed particularly off:  "Are they any other applicable scenarios aside from writing that this happens at?"  Also, Tybalt seems to appear out of thin air, and Marty getting shot did not make much sense, either.

Note that I do understand that you are trying to mimic a famous piece of literature here, but you can not depend on people intuitively connecting those dots on their own, and the characters here will also have to make sense on their own terms, IMO.

For a final, minor nit, I would encourage you to lose the word "The" on your final title card.

On the whole, this has some good comic bits, but I think a few trims would help with both the pace and the budget, particularly if this is something you are pursuing on your own.  Save what you think is the very best, lose a bit of the chaff, particularly the backhanding scene, IMO, and if you can accomplish it quickly, fully justify the presence of Marty and Tybalt in this story.

Good luck with it, and I would look forward to seeing what you come up with.  For something like this, editing will be key, so be sure to take your time with that aspect. Let me know if you have questions on something specific.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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stebrown
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Doc

I'm a bit confused by this really.

There's loads of parts of the script that shouldn't be the way you have done them, and by your critique of other scripts I'm figuring you already know that. Title page, bold sluglines, etc. Also this feels really long for a trailer.

I'm kinda thinking this is an idea you have for a feature and you're wanting to get people's opinion on your idea in a clever way. If that's right then I think it's a great idea and I would definately read the feature.

As a stand alone script though I just don't understand it haha. I mean it's funny but is it a trailor, is it a short...i just don't understand it.

Please let me know if I'm 'right' about what I think this is about.

Cheers

Ste


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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 3:44pm Report to Moderator
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First and foremost, thank you for actually taking the time to read this script. I had only two previous reads, and was hoping to get at least five more opinions of it.
Seeing as how Bert's comment was so long, I think I'll go with Stebrown's first.

Haha. I'm sorry that you're "confused by this." There have been numerous people tell me numerous things. One workshop told me to make it a short. Gabe and yourself have mentioned a feature-length possibility. However, then there are the few like Bert that I initially agree with: that I don't want to spread the joke any thinner than I have. However, on the same token, I have been told that, if I keep this a trailer, that 15 minutes is a bit long. I totally agree. However, I personally cannot come up with another way to have the summarizing voice over and one-two jokes were I to expand this. As Bert said, this works as a montage of jokes, of scenarios. I feel that I may not do this justice if I were to expand it. So, Stebrown, whether or not you're "right" about this or not, I've heard those complaints before.

If anyone has any advice as to how I could expand this from trailer-form without losing the "spirit" of the story, please let me know. I'm at a loss myself.

Now to Bert's...

Thank God that someone finally noticed the left alignment. Yes, that was one of those little jokes that I thought only I would get, aligning a "right" title onto the "left." Just a little ironic tidbit that I hoped someone someday would catch.

As for the bold scene headings... whenever I passed this piece on to readers, I gave them two copies... one where EVERYTHING was bolded (a la Tony Gilroy), and one where NOTHING was bolded. Every single reader told me that the bold copy was more aesthetically pleasing (when all bolded, it's apparently easier to read and does not feel odd). However, they each of them also admitted that they knew the Un-Bolded copy was the "right" way to do things. So, in the spirit of that, I tried to find a happy medium... and since you and Stebrown have both pointed it out, I've obviously made a bad choice. I will change it.

To the montage that "consists of, but not limited to..": Before having placed that in, the first draft instead noted every single shot of the montage in paragraph form. Instead of being a proper montage, it was more of a note-to-self. By placing correctly-formatted montage into the second draft, I hoped to clean things up, and also let readers know that there would be more in the montage than mentioned. I've already story-boarded each and every shot in the montage; I just need to find a way to illustrate each one to the reader.

I'm glad that you were amused by some parts, and I'm sorry that others didn't hit your liking. Surprisingly, I know exactly what you mean. I've never received any feedback about the back-hand scene, but I agree; it's not that humorous and can probably be tossed out. Good catch there.

As for Tybalt and Marty.... Marty was introduced as the go-to friend. I believe that's all the introduction that he warrants considering the length of this piece already. However, I probably should have noted that he jumps in front of the bullet to save Ronnie. That would make his death more understandable. And Tybalt... I wish I could give him more backstory, but that would only result in a longer screenplay. And yet, I will probably stick in a two-line scene in which Greg Barr 'assigns' Tybalt to the task of beating up Ronnie. That would make his arrival into the story a bit more understandable.

On a final note, Bert, I agree with your editing comment. In fact, that is what I look most forward to. With fast-paced editing and the stereotypical trailer score, I'm hoping that these 15 pages don't linger on the screen.


Thanks for the read, you two. I'm hoping that your critiques are joined by many more soon.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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ABennettWriter
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't read all of that, Doc. My apologies.

I don't see any problem calling this a short script. I think the narration adds some humor and wit that's needed. I think the script would be missing something without it.

I don't like how you kept Tybalt's name the same. Why not Tyler, or just Ty? You can't change the other characters and leave one the same.

I loved the concept, though. It's hilarious. Some of it goes overboard, (slapping the girl, some of the montages), but I like it.

I think the narration would get really, really old if you made this into a feature. I don't see it working as a straight comedy/drama without the narration, though.

As a huge Romeo and Juliet fan, I expect Tybalt to kill the best friend. Will Paris make an appearance?
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bert
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, glad I could get the ball rolling for you.  Sometimes a well-timed review on a lazy Saturday afternoon will do that for a script.


Quoted from Dr. McPhearson
Thank God that someone finally noticed the left alignment.


Yeah, I have stuff just for me in some of my scripts that nobody has ever caught haha.  Nothing wrong with that.


Quoted from Dr. McPhearson
As for the bold scene headings... Every single reader told me that the bold copy was more aesthetically pleasing


That is probably a function of whatever PDF conversion software you are using.  They are not all created equal, and your normal font does appear a little washed-out here.  Experiment with some other means of conversion, perhaps.


Quoted from Dr. McPhearson
Marty was introduced as the go-to friend. I believe that's all the introduction that he warrants... I probably should have noted that he jumps in front of the bullet to save Ronnie...I will probably stick in a two-line scene in which Greg Barr 'assigns' Tybalt to the task of beating up Ronnie.


For what it's worth, I agree with all of these.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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I appreciate the read (as much as you did), Steel. Any piece of advice is helpful to me, however long or short.

For the record, I am going to write a 45 page (still a short, in my book) screenplay based on this concept, and aim for the "prejudice satire" genre rather than the "overblown comedy" here. But it will probably remain, even during production, an over-long trailer. The longer screenplay, if anything, will probably turn out simply an unnecessary experiment.

Believe it or not, I have just completed a third draft, sans the slapping scene, and inserting a scene here or there that might close up the plot holes mentioned before. It should be uploaded soon enough.

While trying to tell a story, I told it in this format to also poke fun at the method studios use to compile trailers: throwing in the stereotypical dark-lit confrontation scene, complete with montages at the end that make no sense but are exciting for some reason.... et cetera and so forth.

Thanks for the reads past, and the reads to come.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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ABennettWriter
Posted: April 12th, 2008, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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I actually read your post after posting.

The reason people watch trailers is to get a sense of a movie and hopefully it'll make the person want to watch the entire thing.

That's the issue I have with this being called a trailer. You are planning on showing us everything, right? if there's no chance for us to see the stuff cut out, then what's the point?
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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 13th, 2008, 12:37am Report to Moderator
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Good question.

The reason I kept it a trailer is for 2 reasons: (1) I didn't want to spread the concept over any more than 15 pages. However, (2) there was so much ground to cover, that the only way to do that would be to use the effective editing used in trailers. It's not a feature because the joke would get old, it's not a short because there's too much time to cover.

In the real world, a trailer is used to preview the full material. In this scenario, however, a trailer is used because the full material would be ridiculously overstated and beaten-to-death.

That's all. I just didn't want to spread too little butter over too much bagel.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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Dr. McPhearson
Posted: April 21st, 2008, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Third draft is up. Thanks, Don.

A few improvements have been made: (1) I've expanded the montages, so you can get some glimpse of what images will be portrayed on screen. (2) I've removed many scenes that just didn't work, such as when Mr. Barr slaps Julie. It didn't provide any humor whatsoever, and had no place being in the script to begin with. (3) I've tried patching up a few plotholes, namely by inserting short scenes that make motives and coincidences more apparent (you'll see what I mean).

With these in mind, I'm hoping that this, my third draft, will be even more enjoyable to the audience. I'm crossing my fingers, and would love to hear some critiques.

Thanks.

P.S. One thing, please don't complain about the title page. That is all I ask. Thanks again.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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sniper
Posted: April 22nd, 2008, 7:00am Report to Moderator
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Hey Doc,

Just finished "Re-Right" and I'm still sitting here with a big smile on my face. This was really really good - a lot better than I thought it would be for some reason. I loved that you were able to use the staccato structure of a trailer to tell a complete story. And I also really dug the way you turned Romeo and Juliet into something totally ridiculous and still made it work so well. The V.O.s tied it all together real nicely, I could almost hear that annoying raspy voice they use in trailers when I read this.

I don't really have any suggestions on how you could improve this script (other than properly formatting everything - including the title page). I thought the structure was spot on as was the humor and I would love to read a longer version of this story.

Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Dr. McPhearson
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Quoted from sniper
Hey Doc,

Just finished "Re-Right" and I'm still sitting here with a big smile on my face. This was really really good - a lot better than I thought it would be for some reason. I loved that you were able to use the staccato structure of a trailer to tell a complete story. And I also really dug the way you turned Romeo and Juliet into something totally ridiculous and still made it work so well. The V.O.s tied it all together real nicely, I could almost hear that annoying raspy voice they use in trailers when I read this.

I don't really have any suggestions on how you could improve this script (other than properly formatting everything - including the title page). I thought the structure was spot on as was the humor and I would love to read a longer version of this story.

Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob


All I have to say in response is "Thanks very much." You being among what I consider the Elite here, Rob, and giving me very much a shining review, makes me feel all the more confident in my work here, particularly when you can't see of any way to improve this. That means that, even though my work isn't perfect, the flaws are good at hiding.

As I said, I will be attempting an experimental feature length expansion of this piece, though, like Bert said, he may just not have legs to stand on for such a long time. We'll see, I suppose.

The title page is something that, stubbornly enough, I probably won't touch, though to comply, I may try it playing by the rules.

Everyone else, I would also really appreciate a read/review from you as well. Those who have already participated, a big "thank you" to you too.


PLEASE review my first SimplyScripts submission....

Re-Right (short comedy)
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