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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Autumn Walk - * Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    OWC - Autumn Walk - *  (currently 2964 views)
Don
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Administrator


So, what are you writing?

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Autumn Walk by Martin Back (martin_b) (Your Favoriate)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A woman convalescing after a serious illness visits the park every day. There she make friends with a mother and her child, but will she catch the attention of the attractive man she sees passing through each day? - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  September 7th, 2009, 2:52pm
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Angry Bear
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Don't know if it's a Mac problem, but this script comes up blank to me.


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mcornetto
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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The script downloads fine for me.  It could be the version of PDF reader you have on your machine.
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stevie
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was a tough read. I see what the writer is attempting but it doesn't come off. Too much repitious descriptions. I didn't realise the days were changing till Day 5 when I happened to notice the slug. That wasn't unattentiveness on my behalf more like ho-hum action.
There was no comedy at all but the drama and music angle were ok. Make it more vibrant in a re-write and it wil heaps better.


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elis
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't mind this short.

A bit like ground hog day in some ways.
Shame it didn't have much action apart from the repetitive walks of the day for Marshall and the soccer play.
The romance never really got the chance to develop and I would have like to have seen that.
The little bunch of posies was a cute touch at the end but all too late.
There was no comedy and I was waiting for some clever lines to appear somewhere.
The Lyrics were good.
ONE THING, YOU DO HAVE A FEW "ING " ENDINGS, TRY TO CUT THEM OUT.

Overall, good effort for the OWC


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Coding Herman
Posted: September 1st, 2009, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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This is an okay script to me. I think the story starts a bit too late: Catherine didn't talk to Marshall until Day 5 and the stuff happens before become repetitive. I think you can easily take out 1 or 2 days. There is affection but not too much romance. I didn't find any slight hint of comedy (unless the ball really got smacked into Marshall's face).

Of the characters, Marshall is the mysterious one. I think you need to reveal a bit more backstory about Marshall. I don't know where he came from, what he does, who he is.

There are a few typos and grammar mistakes. You need a FADE OUT at the end. There are a lot of telling instead of showing. (e.g. He cannot read her expression, he has difficulty saying what he really wants to say).

Overall, I don't think it's a bad script, I just feel indifferent to it.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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grademan
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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AUTUMN WALK     

Pros – Story construction in sequence of days, showed Catherine’s interest in Marshall and her increasing attempts to gain his interest by changing the color of her clothes each day, and an acute observation by Catherine about Marshall’s closed off nature. Nice imagery with autumn leaves and flowers at end.

Cons – Not much action. Verging on overuse of “is” and “are”, day numbers should be spelled out. I thought the story was going to be a western since Marshall was introduced as Marshall Pickett.

Comedy – Catherine had a few remarks.

Romance – This one was about middle-aged Catherine, recovering from an illness, trying to get the romantic interest of the older Marshall. Bittersweet ending. I saw this as a romance element but not as a romantic piece. Perhaps, I make too fine a distinction here.

Lyrics – Song near the end when Marshall realized he was too late.  Nit – Detail description of song on first page of script. More impact if it had been included in the body of the script without the detail timing.

Writer – I liked the day-by-day construction. Needs a bit more than watching Marshall walking. Maybe a day less?

Criteria – This struck me as a drama. Not much on comedy though Catherine was witty. Romance element but not romantic.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was indeed a tough read, but more importantly, a wasted read, cause nothing happened, and becuase of that, I feel totally cheated.

I see no reason for putting the song on page 1...it doesn't haev anythign to do with anything, and is so random, it's just pointless.

None of your characters had any life to them.  There wasn't any story here, no resolution, no payout, no...nothing.

Way too much detail given in terms of clothing, which hs absolutely nothing to do with anything.  Way too much detail given in terms of the temperature (if it's cold, we'll know that based on what the characters are wearing, but you can't just come out and repaetedly tell us it's cold, it's warmer, etc.).

Sentence structure wasn't great by any means.  As Grade noted, lots of "is" and "are" verbs being used.

Biggest issue is the structure and it's repetition.  I mean, seriously, nothing of any importance or interest occurred throughout and you just kep repeating events for 5 or 6 days.  The "mother's" reaction to Marshall at the end was very odd and out of palce as well.

Good effort, but I don't see it meeting any requirements of the challenge, and it was very dull.  Sorry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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jwent6688
Posted: September 2nd, 2009, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Didn't like it. too many returns to the same scene. People doing the same thing over and over again for days. It took away from your ability to build on character. Too much action, not enough dialogue..

Why was Catherine so obsessed with this man??


MOTHER
I don't know. A small town
somewhere.
(suddenly businesslike)
Look Marshall, I can't help you.
I don't know who she is or where
she lives. She's a lady who sat
in the park. You had every chance
to get to know her if you wanted,
and you did nothing. I happen to
know she liked you, and wanted to
know you better. It didn't happen.
Too bad. Deal with it.
(to child)
Come to mommy.

That's awful cold for mom to say to someone who just ran in the faucking lake to retrieve her kids ball that the dumb bitch kicked in there anyways. Every chance??? Seriously?  I think Marshall was the only logically person in the script. Except for the fact that he walks in the park every day by himself and is apparently single. Which is weird. Excuse me, i'm from Cleveland...

Awful lot of wrylies, no real ending... I read the song twice, I can interprut it to convey the script... a little.

I stand by my first sentence. Argh.



Revision History (1 edits)
jwent6688  -  September 4th, 2009, 10:48am
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mcornetto
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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That wasn't bad.

It had an interesting enough story and a touching ending.

I did find some of the dialogue to be a bit on the nose though.   Not all of it but once in a while you explained a bit too much for my tastes.

I didn't like the little kid that never spoke.  I have this thing about characters in a screenplay that don't ever speak.

All in all, you did a good job and meet the challenge.

You get
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 9:58pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I really can feel this one!!!!

This one isn't just about writing the screenplay, it's about something else. It's not even about what it's about.

This one's a metaphor for life's missed opportunities.

It's done creatively using time capsules of days. Each one, a little bit different and yet, as in life, each one is, ultimately, the same with its rhythms.

What we take out of these rhythms, is another story altogether. So, it might be that we walk through life and don't see past the things we see. Or we look deeply into them and grasp their full meaning.

I love this one so much. Because truly, it's a brilliant masterpiece. The fact that Marshal walks daily and doesn't pay mind is a testimony to ourselves, I think most often. We are as if, asleep.

Interesting to note (and the writer might not be aware) but the word, marche in French, means walk. Indeed, Marshal walked his walk each day.

There exists within this piece a great deal of layering beneath the words themselves.

There is an emptiness that I feel enriched by. The feeling of Tuesday afternoon. Like, where are you? Not thrust fully towards some gleaming weekend. And not Sunday, not that heaviness of drudgery of the next week to come. Something in between. Just a kind of "being there" vibe.

It feels when reading this like I'm truly a spectator, but also, like I recognize the experience completely. Like a memory. Like somewhere in time, there was a Marshal and Catherine and all this did take place and Marshall himself, after the fact, probably said:

Why did I do that? Why did I act that way?

It's that way with all of us. And there's no reason to it, really.
Or so it seems-- at first. The reason exists purely for amusement
and happiness , I think. To go above the Tuesday afternoon.

Regarding the lyrics,

They deserve mention here:

AUTUMN WALK

(I) Walk by the side of the river and
Watch how the leaves start a-shimmerin',
Fall to the water and... (beat)
Ripple over rocks away.

(I'm) Warm in my scarf and my jacket, but  

(** note from Sandra E. -- the use of I with "m" as numeral.)

Drawn to the cold of the riverbank,
Mourn lost leaves of the tamerack
Floating like my love away.

Chorus

(beat) Autumn walk, water dark,
Damp and cold kills a spark.
It won't live unless you
Cherish it with all of your heart.
(repeat)

This is simply beautiful!

Who wrote this?! George?

I think this is something George is definitely capable of.
Not the humorous type, but very deep.

I'm just glad that submissions are being allowed even if
they're not exactly within the parameters.

Or THIS would have been a lost opportunity.

Thank you so much to the person who entered this.

It keeps me feeling it and knowing why I write and the
strange force that compels.

In the words of Dec

One Love,

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.

Revision History (1 edits)
Sandra Elstree.  -  September 3rd, 2009, 10:08pm
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khamanna
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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I liked your story. I think the best part is how it's ended, it wasn't rushed, it was very believable, very realistic and... touching really.

Out of all melodramatic stories here this one touched me the most, I must say.

The only thing - I liked the flow, but visualize it on screen is hard - I mean them meeting in the park day after day... Howevery, I think that's not as big of a complaint.

Liked it a lot, overall!
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 3rd, 2009, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Truly beautiful!



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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BryMo
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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This is the only other one that i've read that has had more than 4 lines of lyrics...you wrote something with took up the entire minute and i liked that a lot.

Now your story...while descriptions are extremely beautiful and vivid i found your dialogue to be on the nose. Too precise if that makes sense.

But that doesn't really deter from how touching the story was. I found it very good for a week, so i applaud you!

PS. if this is your idea of comedy you've got issues. Other than that, i quite enjoyed it. haha

Good luck!


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 5th, 2009, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Took a little while to get going. Not sure of how all the daily transitions would translate clearly to the screen, despite changing the colors of the scarves and hats. I really, really thought it was going to turn out that Marshall was a Catholic Priest, hence his hesitation to appear flirty to the women.

Course, having made casual friends with the woman and her child, it would not have been unthinkable that they might have traded e-mail addresses (From experience, she might have friends who have children the same size and they would get hand me downs.)

The song and story captured the cool, melancholy feel of autumn though.

And, finally, 40 is the new 30, and 30 is the new 20...so can a 45 year old woman still be smokin' hot? Hell, yeah!
Hope Catherine starts reading Cosmo and getting some self confidence back. Valerie Bertinelli did it, she can too (without having to deal with Eddie Van Has Been.)


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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