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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    February, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Dragan's Apparatus
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Don
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dragan's Apparatus by Martin B. - Short, Horror - A professor must foil a desperate man who holds him captive for a non-existent formula. - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 21st, 2010, 2:35pm
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screenrider
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Omigosh...

To the Writer: This was priceless...made me laugh out loud.

PROFESSOR BRENT
Aaah! Ouch! Oof! etc.

Hearing a fellow being suffer awakens something in Snuffles.
He comes FLYING out of the open crate, a BLACK BLOB OF
VENGEANCE, and LEAPS for Dragan's THROAT

Unfortutnately i'm not sure if comedy was your intention here. You might wanna consider a rewrite.

Wow...what an eclectic collection of shorts.  To the Writer, I give you an A+ for creativity and absurdity.  I'm not sure what else to say.

It was definitely entertaining.
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grademan
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the laughs. I liked Dragan (Pronounced draGAN or DRAGan? )

If you haven't seen the Disney cartoon series "Phineas and Ferb" please do so. The inept villian sounds like Dragan -- in my mind. (Yes, I have kids in the house.)

I thought the machinery noises went on for a bit long. I also thought the killing of Snuffles won't be filmed but maybe with some editing.

The aluminum hat comment was good.

The use of three exlamation marks does not make something three times as urgent!!!

The writing was good on this.

Not very high on the dark-ometer due to comedy but was a good story anyway.


Gary
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stevie
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty good! It had vague connections with 'the dark', but ultimately the writer wasn't sure whether to continue with the comic undertones.

POSSIBLE SPOILERS



The violence at the end sort of changed the dynamics of the story. Up until then it was more of a spy movie spoof. Dragan's accent in my head sounded like the count from Sesame Street!
Anyway, the script was faultlessly formatted and really moved.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2010, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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Well?  I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed to be a comedy, but it sure is fucking hilarious!

Wow!  Love the "etc." in the dialogue.  That's something quite common in human speech.  Also, love the line Screenrider quoted.  Pure comedy!

But...this isn't supposed to be comedy.  This is supposed to be serious and dark. This isn't any of the two.  There's also almost no story here at all.  I'm actually scratching my head in amazement cause I don't really know what you were possibly thinking.

Tons of grammatical errors, passive verbiage, agonizing dialogue, over the top examples of action prose, crazy action, countless unfilmables...Oh God...

If this is meant as comedy, congrats, you succeeded.  If not, back to the drawing board, bud.  But again, if it is meant as comedy, why?  Why would you not write a script for the challenge?

Damn, where's Baltis when you need him?  I've got to find him so he can read this...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Coding Herman
Posted: February 16th, 2010, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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This is okay to me.

Is Grant and Brent the same person? I'm sure it is as you got them  mixed up. Don't understand the purpose of the flashbacks. Don't understand why Snuffles is there in the first place, especially for an assistant who doesn't obey his master.

The bantering back and forth between Brent and Dragan went on a bit too long. Especially during when Dragon doing his stuff with his apparatus.

The ending is a bit of a letdown as well. Don't get me wrong, it's still a complete incident, but it feels the story needs to go on further as there are some unanswered questions. Who's this Dragon guy anyway?

Anyway, I think it's a good effort and you did quite good for a week.


FEATURE:

Memwipe
- Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller (114 pages) - In a world where memories can be erased by request, a Memory Erasing Specialist desperately searches for the culprit when his wife becomes a target for erasure -- with his former colleagues hot on his trail.
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jwent6688
Posted: February 16th, 2010, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm... Don't know where to start. Didn't feel like a serious enrty. I guess there's a sci-fi factor to it, but it's certainly not dark. It was comical, dunno if that was your aim. was almost hoping brent/Grant would try to fry Dragan's brain in the end and accidentally fry his own.

Very heavy on action. Made it a tough read.


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Cam17
Posted: February 16th, 2010, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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The dreaded BLACK BLOB of VENGEANCE.  There's something you don't read everyday.  I can honestly say I had no idea what was going on in this script, but that dialogue was some awesome camp.

PROFESSOR BRENT
(urgent whispering)
Come on, boy. Come on. Here boy.
Here etc.

I lost it when I read that line.  He's calling over a black blob with, "here etc."  I can already picture that in moviestorm.

This sort of reminds me of some whacked out sci-fi story from the 50's.  Didn't make much sense, and I don't think comedy was the goal here, but it is the end result.  I don't think it really belongs in this OWC, but you definitely had some memorable lines in this one.


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