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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Shadows - OWC
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Don
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shadows by Malcom Bowman (scoob) - Short, Horror - A brother and sister extract their revenge on the man who abused them as children - but all is not what it seems... - pdf, format


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dogglebe
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry Scoob, but this one just didn't do anything for me.  I thought it was a little unfocussed and the characters weren't developed enough to really keep me interested.

The opening pieces of dialog should've been credited to Ben and Lucy, not Male and Female.  What you did was, kinda, tell us that there were five characters in the script.


SPOILER SPACE

Your jack-o-lantern set up was not good as it was turning an act of revenge into some sort of ritualistic murder.  The doppleganger came out of left field, which didn't work at all.

Hope this helps.


Phil
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Well written and suspenseful, but I must say I was disappointed with where you took it.

This is the second script I've read, but it is the better of the two.


SPOILERS

I didn't dig the haunted house vibe, even with the lame set up piece of dialogue from Lucy. I would have found the piece a lot more interesting if Ben and Lucy had been dead the whole time because Farnsworth not only abused them, but killed them. Their ghosts are exacting revenge. The haunted house bit seemed odd and didn't flow with the set up to me.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 1:56am Report to Moderator
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This was definitely scary and suspenseful. Classic haunted house stuff. Slightly disturbing -- a good Horror short. That being said, I do have to echo what Phil said. I felt the piece was extremely unfocused. Hell, it could have ended after Fansworth made his original "confession" as a torture piece, but then it kept going and you made the "this house is evil" thing; then we also get a doppleganger added in. It's too much for just ten minutes.

This could benefit from a rewrite or two, and perhaps a length extension.

--Julio
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stebrown
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was a really good story. Could have used more space to flesh out the characters, but for the page limit and just a week to write this I thought you did really well.



***SPOILERS*****

I liked the idea of the doppelganger but felt it needed to be explained more. It seemed very original to me, so I wanted to know more of what the deal was with this house.

For most of the script I felt sorry for Farnsworth - he's served his time and been left in a wheelchair in jail for his crimes. If you're wanting us to be with Ben in his search for vengeance I would tell us what Farnsworth (or his clone) actually did to them.

Another solid entry.

Ste


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Hello Malcolm,

Good on you for completing the challenge!
This script reads pretty well and has a decent flow and pacing.
You didn't spend your entire story in exposition and got some good action in there.

That being said, I didn't care much for Lucy and Ben.
They seemed interchangeable, always thinking alike.
Other than providing another body, I didn't see much need for siblings there.
At first I was sympathetic with Farnsworth, then it got a bit odd.
The doppelganger didn't work for me, kinda left field.
I think this story would have worked better as a straight up revenge horror story.

You have a good command of technical skills, keep up the good work!

Regards,
E.D.


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malcolm3
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Scoob,

I'm a bit of a fan of your writing. (Probably because you're another Malcolm)

This needs to be tightened up one hell of a lot. You still use a dozen words when two will do. I seem to remember having this conversation with you before.

All that being said. I really enjoyed this. I've read 6 or 7 of these now and this is a lot less cliche than most. You do seem to excel at the horror genre. An absolutely solid attempt. When you get a chance to do the re-write, spend a little time, this could be really good.

Keep em coming Scoob.
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screenrider
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Malcolm, creative-wise this one just didn't grab me.  Compared to CM Hall's The Net Will Save You, ReaperCreaper's Glass Rain, two which I really liked, and even a couple of the pizztakes, it just didn't stand out enough.  Sadly, I'm gonna have to say the same thing about my entry.   This OWC has been an education.

Congrats on completeing an entry though.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Not a bad entry at all for a OWC. I was a little worried when you start off two generic names when it's simply Lucy and Ben talking. There's also a number of grammar errors in and around bits of dialog. (lack of apostrophes where needed). I was drawn in early on anyway, but I thought Farnsworth's clone (?) was too much of a cheap gag. I thought the script was fine without it. Maybe a few extra pages might help this thing out.

Characters for me were alright. Farnsworth is the standout. And hey - Jack O Lantern and Pumpkin action   Can't complain much about that.

-DjS


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Scoob
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, thanks guys for reading and dropping off your thoughts. Very grateful.
I'll get round to replying individually after I've read a few of everyone elses.

It looks as though the consensus is this is a weak entry, average at best, and that's a fair call. No excuses from my part.
It was still good fun to write under a deadline so I'm pleased to have written what is only my second short.

Thanks all!

Now I'm off to check out everyone elses, although if any of them scare me any more than Liverpool FC's performance earlier today I will be amazed!



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Baltis.
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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I dunno... It's largely written well.  The idea is nailed down with precision.  It's just too sporadic at times.  I'm not saying this isn't an entertaining, and eye opening read.  It is.  It just seems you had 3 possible outcomes set up and you went with a very abstract one in the end. One I don't think I even understand fully.  I'll touch on that in a second, though.

Ben and Lucy seem as if they've done this before, with how paced and planned the ritual-like nature of some events  went down.  Plus the "Witching Hour is Nigh"... Yeah, I'd only use that if I was a licensed practitioner of the black arts.  

Anyways, the end it was alright.  I kind of see what you're trying to accomplish with Farnsworth, and maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm right, I dunno... But it wasn't really him was it?  Like, the entity had already taken him.  I am increasingly more and more impressed with the level of quality the scripts have been.  I've read some worse than others, but not many that have been out and out bad.  This is solid, good, work.    

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Baltis.  -  October 17th, 2010, 9:32pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey scoob

Classica tale. No worries. I used one myself. But what this lacks is what Phil and another writer whose name escapes me now lacked in their script: explanation of why this is occuring on halloween. I would suggest extending it bit to explain. Other than that, it was suspenseful and a quick good read. Very Goosebump-esque.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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stevie
Posted: October 17th, 2010, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Malc.

Ok, while I struggled to get into this, I reckon the basis is there for a decent script! The ingredients are there but its like you sort of rushed the middle and ending - deadline approaching maybe?
The premise of revenge is very workable - all it needs is a good re-write.

Well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers stevie



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James McClung
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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As far as horror goes, I think this one was my favorite thus far. I think with all your scripts, you've found the perfect balance between classic and contemporary horror. The atmosphere is straight out of gothic literature but the plot couldn't be more modern.

You actually did do a good job making Farnsworth sympathetic, given that he's a supposed pedophile at the start, and you definitely set up that something's not quite right about the whole situation so when the supernatural aspect's introduced, I don't think it's all that out of left field.

The razor in the apple was sick. Classic. What exactly did they have planned for this guy? At first, I thought they were going to burn him then I thought... waterboard him? Just curious, of course. Do I really want to know or would it be better not to?

Speaking of which, I loved the bit with the "babies." You don't see a thing and you'll never know what they actually saw for sure but with that one line, you just know it's absolutely grotesque. Excellent use of "less is more."

I liked the doppleganger but when he's introduced in the basement but the last scene just didn't do it for me. Can't really put my finger on it. I guess I got the feeling that whatever's in the house is actually worse than what awaits Farnsworth in prison so the whole "see you in twenty years" thing kinda fell flat for me. Also... twenty years? Two times in a row... Nah. Maybe there's a little too much certainty, familiarity perhaps, to be found at the end. Kinda diluted the mystery of it all.

Anyway, solid effort.


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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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This is horrific an suspenseful and I really liked it.

I did feel a bit let down when I saw that it doesn't end up well. Not that I don't like the twist, I do like it and think it's original, but here evil wins over good and that's disturbing. It is like a fable that doesn't end well and I'm not used to this kind of fable.

I enjoyed it though. It just left me with mixed feelings - I really like it but I wish it doesn't end this way. Not that the ending doesn't work (which would be a totally different thing).
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