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Showdown #9 James vs Andrew - CONGRATULATING (currently 3290 views)
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 3:53pm
James and Andrew are up...
- Logline: A young woman/man receives a package in the mail. Opening it could change his/her life. The question is: will she/he open it?
- Any genre
- Any MPAA rating
- under 5 pages
NOTE: There is a C entry provided free for your enjoyment from sources unknown.
Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto - May 1st, 2011, 4:25pm
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 3:53pm
An alarm clock buzzes non-stop.
SUPER: In dreams begins responsibilities. YEATS, W.B.
INT. OLLIE'S FLAT - BEDROOM - MORNING
Daylight streams through closed curtains. Posters of SCANTILY CLAD PORNSTARS cling to the wall. The DVD menu to "Forest Hump" loops endlessly on the wall-fastened TV.
A smattering of ASSORTED PORN DVDs lay on the floor. Finally, a HAND slams down on the alarm clock. Offs it.
CHARLIE GRANT, 35, is overweight, but not obese. Good-looking, but not cute. He opens his mouth. Closes it, opens it, closes it, opens it. He has that thirsty morning thing going on.
He reaches for the glass of water on the bedside table. Knocks it over.
INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Charlie drains the pipe while holding his phone. He inspects his member.
A TEXT MESSAGE pops up on his phone. It's accompanied by the picture of an ATTRACTIVE GIRL, ABBIE. He opens the message: Please baby. You don't need to do this. Send it back. I love you the way you are and I want you all to myself.
CHARLIE The die has been cast.
Charlie disregards the message. Dials a number. He finishes, zips up and flushes.
CHARLIE (into phone) Are you pissing while on the phone to me? It came. What do you mean, who came? Yeah, I know I watch a lot of... The package came... Oh for fuck's sake!
INT. JIMMY'S FLAT - BATHROOM - SAME
JIMMY JONES, 22, skinny and an obvious fall guy in life, yet with the bravado to suggest he has more in the locker. We now realise he sits to pee.
JIMMY (into phone) Don't do this, man. You'll lose her. She's the best thing to ever happen to you -
We hear Charlie HANG UP.
INT. CAR - DAY
Charlie drives. In the passenger seat sits a tightly wrapped package. He pats it. A cell phone is wedged between his head and the hat he wears. A cell phone sandwich.
CHARLIE You're a life changer. Yeah, a real game changer.
Charlie pulls a note placed on the touch screen STEREO/DVD PLAYER and reads: You don't have anything to prove. Please send it back.
CHARLIE The die has been cast.
Charlie taps the touch screen. The unmistakable SOUNDS of PORN emanate. A glimmer of self-doubt crosses his face.
He looks at the package.
CHARLIE My passport to the big time. You know that, right? You're going to make everything good. Deal?
Looks again at the package, waits for a response. After a short delay, he laughs.
CHARLIE Of course you do.
Charlie drives and looks nervously ahead.
INT. EVERHARD ENTERTAINMENT - BOARDROOM - DAY
Charlie stands with an inexplicably long cane. He points it at a large projected screen, which is blank. This is an imaginary powerpoint presentation.
He stands at the speaker stand. Looks like Hitler addressing the Reich. As it is, he addresses a crowd of zero.
CHARLIE Let me hear you say it. You know you want to, bitch. Yeah, you, bitch.
STEVE, a brash looking idiot in his 50s, sits at the board table. He emits a gangster cool in direct contrast to his obvious campness.
He has appeared out of nowhere.
Judging from his face, he's as surprised as us.
He looks around for others. No-one. Just him and Charlie.
STEVE You're born to be a no-one, kid. No good at anything. Give it up, son.
FOCUS ON CHARLIE
His face is contorted in anger. It's hard to take seriously.
CHARLIE You see this?
Charlie hoists the package above his head.
FOCUS ON BOARDROOM
Steve no longer sits in the room.
Charlie stares into the space where he sat. Jimmy barges in, temporarily startling Charlie.
JIMMY What are you doing?
JIMMY Why do you have a phone wedged under your hat, and where is this package? Give me the package.
CHARLIE What package?
Charlie hides the package behind his back.
Jimmy grabs the package. Charlie grabs it straight back.
CHARLIE Don't ever touch my dick!
Jimmy grabs the package again.
JIMMY This is a big package, not your -
Charlie Big package - exactly.
Charlie grabs the package, pulls it so hard, it jolts Jimmy.
CHARLIE Now if you don't mind, I have a meeting.
JIMMY You don't have a meeting. You have the idea of speculatively popping in to see the boss. Do not do this.
Charlie pulls two leather gloves from his back pocket. Carefully places them on. They're tight. He pushes the gloves deeper by pushing his hands together.
JIMMY What are those?
CHARLIE If there are no fingerprints on it, I can send it back.
JIMMY I think the fact you stuck your package in the package might mean it's non-refundable.
Charlie opens the package, much like a child at Christmas. The difference being that Charlie opens to reveal a PENIS ENLARGER KIT. He pulls the kit out of the bag, inspects it. Shoves it in his pocket.
Jimmy retrieves a mop bucket from behind the speaker stand. Wheels it down the boardroom. We now see etched on both of their backs: Charlie and Jimmy's Cleaning Co. They exit -
INT. EVERHARD ENTERTAINMENT - MAIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
into the Main Office, where a gaggle of GORGEOUS PORNSTARS and WANNABES are assembled.
JIMMY We're the f*cking cleaners. You can't just pop into the CEO's office and wap your dick out.
CHARLIE You watch me.
Charlie strides into the toilet.
INT. EVERHARD ENTERTAINMENT - CEO'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
KNOCK KNOCK. BARRY EVERHARD sits receiving a BLOW JOB from Abbie, who's perched under his desk between his legs.
BARRY Come in.
Charlie enters, hobbling.
BARRY Ah, Charlie. I hope you don't mind. I've got to sample the goods -
He points to the unseen Abbie.
BARRY - got a trialist down here right now.
CHARLIE I want to be a porn star! I want in! Let me in the stable. I can do this. I just enlarged my penis!
Abbie bangs her head against the desk. Barry guides her head back into place.
CHARLIE I've got what it takes! I want to be a f*cking porn star. A porn star who f*cks with a big giant enlarged dick!
BARRY Show me what you got, kid...
A zipper is unzipped.
BARRY (V.O.) Oh my god. You got the paperwork for that thing? We're going to make a lot of money...
The land of luxury. Wrap around leather couches. A huge cathedral ceiling with a crystal chandelier.
WALTER, 29, enters carrying a plain, brown box under his arm. He wears a suit. His protruding gut gives his tie a nice place to perch.
WALTER Honey, Iím home.
TERRY, 27, walks in. She wears a sweat suit and carries a bottled water. She is way out of his league.
TERRY Please excuse me if I donít fetch your slippers and mix you a martini, darling.
WALTER This came in the mail for us today.
Walter sets the box down on the dining table.
TERRY Oh, that's nice. Did you finally order nutri-system?
WALTER No. Its a divorce kit.
Terry chokes on her water. Walter sits down.
TERRY Excuse me?
WALTER I got it on e-bay.
Terry sits at the other end of the table. She glares at Walter.
TERRY Listen you fat troll, if you want a divorce, just say the word. Its done. Iím taking half your business and promise never to marry again so I can keep sucking alimony out of you.
WALTER Do you know what nesting dolls are?
Walter gets up and heads to the kitchen.
TERRY Those little fucking dolls that keep getting smaller when you open one?
WALTER (O.S.) Quite right. When I was bad, my dad would put a thumb tack in the smallest one. Then, he would ask me history questions. Every time I got one wrong, I had to open a doll.
Walter returns with a butter knife in his hand.
WALTER If I got to the smallest one before the questions were over, I had to take out the thumb tack and prick all ten of my finger-tips with it.
TERRY No wonder youíre so fucked up.
Walter sits. He stares at Terry with a crazed look.
WALTER Weíre going to play a similar game. Inside this box are two smaller ones. Every time you answer my question wrong, I open one. Bare in mind, that you only have two chances, because, if I open the third box, Iím going to take out the gun inside of it and kill us both.
Walter pulls the box close to him. Terryís eyes widen.
TERRY Walter, have you gone mad?
WALTER Okay. Here we go... How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?
Walter readies the knife by the tape.
TERRY What? Are you accusing me of sleeping around? No, Iím not playing your stupid game.
Walter cuts open the box and removes the smaller one. He brushes the empty box off the table.
WALTER Wrong answer. How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?
TERRY Walter, youíre scaring me.
WALTER Wrong answer!
He cuts open the box and pulls out the smaller one. It has perforated holes on it's lid.
He brushes the empty box onto the floor.
WALTER Ooh, almost forgot.
Walter reaches into his pocket and produces a hand full of bullets. He drops them on the table. They roll around.
WALTER They ship them empty.
TERRY Walter... Please?
WALTER Shut up!
Walterís face turns red. He pulls out a handkerchief and dabs some of the perspiration on his forehead.
WALTER Be very careful with what you say next... How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?
Walter slides the knife under the lid. Terryís bottom lip trembles. Walter exhales in disgust. He begins to cut the tape.
Walter looks up at her. That hurt more than he anticipated. Terryís eyes well up.
TERRY Maybe, nine.
WALTER Jesus Christ, Terry.
TERRY What do you want to hear? Iím not attracted to you anymore! Youíve completely let yourself go since we got married.
Walter stands and slams his palms on the table.
WALTER Iím sorry, I stress myself out at work all day while you go down to the club and enjoy the life of leisure!
TERRY Of course, I should just sit in the house all day and wait for you to come home? Bullshit. I need my own life.
Walter sits. He calms down. Terry shakes her head.
TERRY Fine, you want a divorce, youíve got it. You better get yourself a good lawyer. You disgust me!
Walter nods his head.
WALTER Youíre right. I am disgusting.
Walter starts to cut open the box.
TERRY Walter! Stop! Donít do this!
Walter reaches in and pulls out a hand-held recording device. Itís reels are already rolling. He stops them. He rewinds and hits playback.
WALTER (ON TAPE) How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?
TERRY (ON TAPE) Eight... Maybe, nine.
Walter stops the tape.
WALTER That should do well enough with a little editing.
TERRY What are you doing? You were recording me?
Walter gets up and walks to the front door. He turns.
WALTER You know, sad thing is, Iím still in love with you. I canít figure out why.
Walter walks to the door and grabs the handle.
TERRY Wait! We can still work it out, baby. We can do marriage counseling.
Funny how writers minds work with these assigned logs. This writer saw package, and had to write about a, well, package. Enough said. An interesting idea. A challenging one. Did he pull it off?
I wish the writer could answer questions. Is Stevie the ghost of his father? Are Jimmy and Charlie brothers? What's the deal with Abbie? Is she giving Barry the blow job just so she can star with her husband in a porn movie? This all seems a little hard to follow for me, at least in a way that is plausible.
Of course, the goal is comedy, so it really doesn't have to be too plausible. The writer has a talent for dialogue. Problem is I'm not sure if there are moments that really produce a good laugh. And that might even be impossible anyway, given that the story wants to keep most things hidden until the end, even if one suspects.
But if this is not comedy, it certainly can't be something serious. I don't know, maybe this tried to be both, and walked down the middle as neither. A good effort for a couple days and a boring logline. Clearly a good writer who was experimenting.
Perfectly executed for a 2 day project. A seasoned writer. A creative concept with a twist. And a nice job with this log line. What can I say, very well done.
If I were to search for a criticism, it would be that for some reason the end fell a little flat. Can't put my finger on why. It works, and yet is emotionally flat, if that's possible. Maybe it's his last comment about still loving her. Show it don't say it they say.
But nice work. A was good, but maybe lacked a consistent tone, not sure if it wanted to be serious or comical. B had few flaws if any. So B it is!
A. Wow, beginning this tale with a Yeats Quote? Okay, so it had a cliched beginning with the alarm clock. First slug says "Ollie's Flat" but was there an Ollie in this script?
It got better with the descriptions of Charlie and his porn-loving world. However, I kept waiting for the story to develop and it never happened. This felt more like a collection of scenes than a unified narrative. Charlie's motivations were never clear to me. Or how Abby got under Barry's desk.
The "package" double entendre is mined for all it's worth, but the story had a rather scattered, haphazard pace. As far as the ending, Charlie never actually used the enlarger but Barry was still amazed by his schlong? Or maybe I read that wrong.
B. This was very good. A simple concept, one location, with clever execution. Walter's childhood story of the thumb tack in the nesting dolls was a nice touch. I like how easily he was able to manipulate Terry without actually showing her the gun. And the twist was just right.
I could also do without the "I still love you" line. I mean, skank was boinkin' half the town. A nice salt in the wound line would have ended this better instead of "better get youself a good lawyer."
But, very well constructed story for a two-dayer. Gotta go with B here.
All three are competently written. My vote is with A. It was the more colourful, i.e. more interesting, touches of humour, imo, than the other two... for a five pager. I do think with such a broad 'anything goes' logline though, that some stories of a more suspenseful nature might have been forthcoming. Not too much going with 'what's in the package'! However, good work from all three.
reads slightly funny due to the *** but that doesn't count so much because of the board filters. I'll quote that line from the Usual Suspects lineup (fenster) I'd get "Hand me the fucking keys, you c**ksucker, what the fuck?" and I should get the same result.
Anyway, overall A didn't do much for me. There's brands of tea, some folks like Earl Grey, Green others, Ginger...etc. Simply, this was not my cup of tea. I'm sorry. I really can't get into it.
I liked this, although my memory check sees the use of TVs/Videos and I get this...premonition...oh, nevermind. I liked it a lot. My comments on this would echo EDs up there.
As for C, that was nice too. and that's too bad because I would have voted it over A and B Alas, I cannot do so. So it is B as in Beans.
Footnote: kinda glad nobody did a quick take on Richard Matheson like Richard Kelly foolishly did a few years back, don't you?
I voted for B and would have even if we were allowed to vote for C as well.
A didn't really work for me. Not because of subject matter, but I thought it was a confusing read. I had to stop and reread several times which is not good in such a short script. I think it was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't to me. Some of the descriptions were weird too.
B had a pretty good story and idea going and some good characterization. At least with Walter. I liked the back story of the thumbtack. I hated Terry.
I didn't like A at all. Hard to follow, over the top in its use of porn and double entendre, not well written overall. Lots of issues throughout.
I did like B. Reminded me alot of an OWC script I wrote for The Dark. Writing was pretty good, not great, but hey, it's 2 or 3 days, right? Like someone else said, although the ending was alright, it seemed to be rather anti climatic.
I didn't like C at all. Poorly written, hard to follow, based on the way it's written, weak or no story, didn't get much of anything out of it.
My vote easily goes to B.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.