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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Showdown #9 James vs Andrew - CONGRATULATING Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Showdown #9 James vs Andrew - CONGRATULATING  (currently 2848 views)
mcornetto
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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James and Andrew are up...

- Logline: A young woman/man receives a package in the mail. Opening it could change his/her life. The question is: will she/he open it?

- Any genre

- Any MPAA rating

- under 5 pages

NOTE: There is a C entry provided free for your enjoyment from sources unknown.

Revision History (1 edits)
mcornetto  -  May 1st, 2011, 4:25pm
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mcornetto
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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A

FADE IN:

ON BLACK

An alarm clock buzzes non-stop.

SUPER: In dreams begins responsibilities. YEATS, W.B.

INT. OLLIE'S FLAT - BEDROOM - MORNING

Daylight streams through closed curtains. Posters of SCANTILY CLAD PORNSTARS cling to the wall. The DVD menu to "Forest Hump" loops endlessly on the wall-fastened TV.

A smattering of ASSORTED PORN DVDs lay on the floor. Finally, a HAND slams down on the alarm clock. Offs it.

CHARLIE GRANT, 35, is overweight, but not obese. Good-looking, but not cute. He opens his mouth. Closes it, opens it, closes it, opens it. He has that thirsty morning thing going on.

He reaches for the glass of water on the bedside table. Knocks it over.

CHARLIE
F*ck.

INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Charlie drains the pipe while holding his phone. He inspects his member.

A TEXT MESSAGE pops up on his phone. It's accompanied by the picture of an ATTRACTIVE GIRL, ABBIE. He opens the message: Please baby. You don't need to do this. Send it back. I love you the way you are and I want you all to myself.

CHARLIE
The die has been cast.

Charlie disregards the message. Dials a number. He finishes, zips up and flushes.

CHARLIE
(into phone)
Are you pissing while on the phone to me? It came. What do you mean, who came? Yeah, I know I watch a lot of... The package came... Oh for fuck's sake!

INT. JIMMY'S FLAT - BATHROOM - SAME

JIMMY JONES, 22, skinny and an obvious fall guy in life, yet with the bravado to suggest he has more in the locker. We now realise he sits to pee.

JIMMY
(into phone)
Don't do this, man. You'll lose her. She's the best thing to ever happen to you -

We hear Charlie HANG UP.

INT. CAR - DAY

Charlie drives. In the passenger seat sits a tightly wrapped package. He pats it. A cell phone is wedged between his head and the hat he wears. A cell phone sandwich.

CHARLIE
You're a life changer. Yeah, a real game changer.

Charlie pulls a note placed on the touch screen STEREO/DVD PLAYER and reads: You don't have anything to prove. Please send it back.

CHARLIE
The die has been cast.

Charlie taps the touch screen. The unmistakable SOUNDS of PORN emanate. A glimmer of self-doubt crosses his face.

He looks at the package.

CHARLIE
My passport to the big time. You know that, right? You're going to make everything good. Deal?

Looks again at the package, waits for a response. After a short delay, he laughs.

CHARLIE
Of course you do.

Charlie drives and looks nervously ahead.

INT. EVERHARD ENTERTAINMENT - BOARDROOM - DAY

Charlie stands with an inexplicably long cane. He points it at a large projected screen, which is blank. This is an imaginary powerpoint presentation.

He stands at the speaker stand. Looks like Hitler addressing the Reich. As it is, he addresses a crowd of zero.

CHARLIE
Let me hear you say it. You know you want to, bitch. Yeah, you, bitch.

STEVE, a brash looking idiot in his 50s, sits at the board table. He emits a gangster cool in direct contrast to his obvious campness.

He has appeared out of nowhere.

Judging from his face, he's as surprised as us.

He looks around for others. No-one. Just him and Charlie.

STEVE
You're born to be a no-one, kid. No good at anything. Give it up, son.

FOCUS ON CHARLIE

His face is contorted in anger. It's hard to take seriously.

CHARLIE
You see this?

Charlie hoists the package above his head.

FOCUS ON BOARDROOM

Steve no longer sits in the room.

Charlie stares into the space where he sat. Jimmy barges in, temporarily startling Charlie.

JIMMY
What are you doing?

CHARLIE
Nothing.

JIMMY
Why do you have a phone wedged under your hat, and where is this package? Give me the package.

CHARLIE
What package?

Charlie hides the package behind his back.

Jimmy grabs the package. Charlie grabs it straight back.

CHARLIE
Don't ever touch my dick!

Jimmy grabs the package again.

JIMMY
This is a big package, not your -

Charlie
Big package - exactly.

Charlie grabs the package, pulls it so hard, it jolts Jimmy.

CHARLIE
Now if you don't mind, I have a meeting.

JIMMY
You don't have a meeting. You have the idea of speculatively popping in to see the boss. Do not do this.

Charlie pulls two leather gloves from his back pocket. Carefully places them on. They're tight. He pushes the gloves deeper by pushing his hands together.

JIMMY
What are those?

CHARLIE
If there are no fingerprints on it, I can send it back.

JIMMY
I think the fact you stuck your package in the package might mean it's non-refundable.

Charlie opens the package, much like a child at Christmas. The difference being that Charlie opens to reveal a PENIS ENLARGER KIT. He pulls the kit out of the bag, inspects it. Shoves it in his pocket.

Jimmy retrieves a mop bucket from behind the speaker stand. Wheels it down the boardroom. We now see etched on both of their backs: Charlie and Jimmy's Cleaning Co. They exit -

INT. EVERHARD ENTERTAINMENT - MAIN OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

into the Main Office, where a gaggle of GORGEOUS PORNSTARS and WANNABES are assembled.

JIMMY
We're the f*cking cleaners. You can't just pop into the CEO's office and wap your dick out.

CHARLIE
You watch me.

Charlie strides into the toilet.

INT. EVERHARD ENTERTAINMENT - CEO'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

KNOCK KNOCK. BARRY EVERHARD sits receiving a BLOW JOB from Abbie, who's perched under his desk between his legs.

BARRY
Come in.

Charlie enters, hobbling.

BARRY
Ah, Charlie. I hope you don't mind. I've got to sample the goods -

He points to the unseen Abbie.

BARRY
- got a trialist down here right now.

CHARLIE
I want to be a porn star! I want in! Let me in the stable. I can do this. I just enlarged my penis!

Abbie bangs her head against the desk. Barry guides her head back into place.

CHARLIE
I've got what it takes! I want to be a f*cking porn star. A porn star who f*cks with a big giant enlarged dick!

BARRY
Show me what you got, kid...

                                                                                       CUT TO:

ON BLACK

A zipper is unzipped.

BARRY (V.O.)
Oh my god. You got the paperwork for that thing? We're going to make a lot of money...
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mcornetto
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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B

FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

The land of luxury. Wrap around leather couches. A huge cathedral ceiling with a crystal chandelier.

WALTER, 29, enters carrying a plain, brown box under his arm. He wears a suit. His protruding gut gives his tie a nice place to perch.

WALTER
Honey, Iím home.

TERRY, 27, walks in. She wears a sweat suit and carries a bottled water. She is way out of his league.

TERRY
Please excuse me if I donít fetch your slippers and mix you a martini, darling.

WALTER
This came in the mail for us today.

Walter sets the box down on the dining table.

TERRY
Oh, that's nice. Did you finally order nutri-system?

She laughs.

WALTER
No. Its a divorce kit.

Terry chokes on her water. Walter sits down.

TERRY
Excuse me?

WALTER
I got it on e-bay.

Terry sits at the other end of the table. She glares at Walter.

TERRY
Listen you fat troll, if you want a divorce, just say the word. Its done. Iím taking half your business and promise never to marry again so I can keep sucking alimony out of you.

WALTER
Do you know what nesting dolls are?

Walter gets up and heads to the kitchen.

TERRY
Those little fucking dolls that keep getting smaller when you open one?

WALTER (O.S.)
Quite right. When I was bad, my dad would put a thumb tack in the smallest one. Then, he would ask me history questions. Every time I got one wrong, I had to open a doll.

Walter returns with a butter knife in his hand.

WALTER
If I got to the smallest one before the questions were over, I had to take out the thumb tack and prick all ten of my finger-tips with it.

Terry laughs.

TERRY
No wonder youíre so fucked up.

Walter sits. He stares at Terry with a crazed look.

WALTER
Weíre going to play a similar game. Inside this box are two smaller ones. Every time you answer my question wrong, I open one. Bare in mind, that you only have two chances, because, if I open the third box, Iím going to take out the gun inside of it and kill us both.

Walter pulls the box close to him. Terryís eyes widen.

TERRY
Walter, have you gone mad?

WALTER
Okay. Here we go... How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?

Walter readies the knife by the tape.

TERRY
What? Are you accusing me of sleeping around? No, Iím not playing your stupid game.

Walter cuts open the box and removes the smaller one. He brushes the empty box off the table.

WALTER
Wrong answer. How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?

TERRY
Walter, youíre scaring me.

WALTER
Wrong answer!

He cuts open the box and pulls out the smaller one. It has perforated holes on it's lid.

He brushes the empty box onto the floor.

WALTER
Ooh, almost forgot.

Walter reaches into his pocket and produces a hand full of bullets. He drops them on the table. They roll around.

WALTER
They ship them empty.

TERRY
Walter... Please?

WALTER
Shut up!

Walterís face turns red. He pulls out a handkerchief and dabs some of the perspiration on his forehead.

WALTER
Be very careful with what you say next... How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?

Walter slides the knife under the lid. Terryís bottom lip trembles. Walter exhales in disgust. He begins to cut the tape.

TERRY
Eight.

Walter looks up at her. That hurt more than he anticipated. Terryís eyes well up.

TERRY
Maybe, nine.

WALTER
Jesus Christ, Terry.

TERRY
What do you want to hear? Iím not attracted to you anymore! Youíve completely let yourself go since we got married.

Walter stands and slams his palms on the table.

WALTER
Iím sorry, I stress myself out at work all day while you go down to the club and enjoy the life of leisure!

TERRY
Of course, I should just sit in the house all day and wait for you to come home? Bullshit. I need my own life.

Walter sits. He calms down. Terry shakes her head.

TERRY
Fine, you want a divorce, youíve got it. You better get yourself a good lawyer. You disgust me!

Walter nods his head.

WALTER
Youíre right. I am disgusting.

Walter starts to cut open the box.

TERRY
Walter! Stop! Donít do this!

Walter reaches in and pulls out a hand-held recording device. Itís reels are already rolling. He stops them.  
He rewinds and hits playback.

WALTER (ON TAPE)
How many people have you slept with since weíve been married?

TERRY (ON TAPE)
Eight... Maybe, nine.

Walter stops the tape.

WALTER
That should do well enough with a little editing.

TERRY
What are you doing? You were recording me?

Walter gets up and walks to the front door. He turns.

WALTER
You know, sad thing is, Iím still in love with you. I canít figure out why.

Walter walks to the door and grabs the handle.

TERRY
Wait! We can still work it out, baby. We can do marriage counseling.

Walter sighs. Lowers his head.

WALTER
Better get yourself a good lawyer.

Walter exits. Terry hangs her head in her hands.

FADE OUT.
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mcornetto
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 3:56pm Report to Moderator
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C



FADE IN:

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

The morning sun shines on a row of lookalike buildings with
lookalike parking lots and landscaping.

INT. CRAIG'S APARTMENT - FOURTH FLOOR

A not too modern layout and kitchen appliances. A big screen
TV sits in the middle of worn furniture that doesn't match.

Dirty dishes sit in the sink. Empty pizza boxes and beer
bottles litter the flat surfaces.

A stereo plays rock and roll. CRAIG, 20, short, good looking,
cleans up the mess.

A sliding door to the patio is open. Curtains flutter.

Craig hears a toilet flush and glances towards the bathroom.
KEVIN, 19, stocky, stumbles out and goes to the fridge for a
soda. He chugs the soda and belches.

A doorbell rings off screen. Craig opens the door. DAWN, 18,
shapely, strides in. She gazes at the mess.

DAWN
You played cards last night.

KEVIN
Morning sugar plum.

He insults her with a kissy face.

DAWN
Kevin, go watch cartoons.

He scoots into his room. Dawn glares at Craig.

DAWN
Craig, why didn't you tell me about
last night? I play cards too.

CRAIG
Because it was the guys.

DAWN
We've been going out for six months
now and you still don't get it.

CRAIG
It?

DAWN
I love you.

CRAIG
And I love you...

DAWN
But...

CRAIG
You're going to Stanford next week
and you know I don't have the cash.

A bell rings O.S. Kevin dashes out of his room to the door.

KEVIN
Please be not-Dawn.

DAWN
Love you too.

Kevin bends down to pick up a box, carries it to a table.

The box is a cube about one foot per side and wrapped with
brown paper. An envelope is addressed to Craig.

KEVIN
Is this your monthly shipment from
Perverts Are Us?

CRAIG
Let me see the envelope.

Kevin complies. Craig pulls a typed note out and reads.

CRAIG
Once opened, the contents of this
package will change your world.

Craig sits down at the table. Kevin and Dawn join him.

KEVIN
Dude, here's your chance.

CRAIG
What?

Kevin mimes as if he's stuck in a box.

KEVIN
Let me out of the box.

DAWN
I can't believe you're brothers.

KEVIN
Neither does Dad.

Kevin grabs the box from the table.

KEVIN
I'll open it if you're too chicken.

Craig grabs it back.

CRAIG
I'm not opening it until I know who
sent it. And what does the note mean
it will change my world? How?

Dawn tries to pull the box away from Craig but he resists,
keeping it for himself.

DAWN
Why can't you just let go?

CRAIG
Nothing good comes from a magic genie.

KEVIN
Magic my ass. It's just a box.

CRAIG
Just a box? Then who delivered it? Why
didn't they sign it? Why didn't they
just bring it over?

DAWN
Why do you have to over analyze
everything? Open the box.

CRAIG
When in doubt, forget it.

KEVIN
You've been saying that for years.
Sometimes you have to break a few
rules.

Dawn drapes herself over Craig and conjoles him,

DAWN
Will you please open it? Just because
I am asking you to.

Craig pushes her away.

KEVIN
You're being a jerk.

Kevin grab the box and scrambles away with it. Craig tackles
him. They knock over the big screen TV cracking the screen.

Craig and Kevin wrestle each other to the floor.

CRAIG
You ruined my TV! Now I have to spend
two grand on a new one.

KEVIN
Big brother don't cry.

DAWN
Stop it!

The men stop and get up. The box sits on the floor. Craig
walks over to the box, punts it through the open sliding door.
The trio watches the box tip end over end until it hits the
parking lot.

CRAIG
And it can stay out there!

Craig and Kevin glance at each other then turn to Dawn.

DAWN
That package was from me. I already
have my answer.

Dawn cries as she runs out of the apartment.

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - PARKING LOT - LATER

Kevin and Craig approach the dented box. Craig opens it and
pulls out a plane ticket to San Francisco.

CRAIG
I really didn't want to go.

KEVIN
Keep telling yourself that.

FADE OUT.
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leitskev
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Just read A and B; will read C later.

SPOILERS WILL FOLLOW

story A

Funny how writers minds work with these assigned logs. This writer saw package, and had to write about a, well, package. Enough said. An interesting idea. A challenging one. Did he pull it off?

I wish the writer could answer questions. Is Stevie the ghost of his father? Are Jimmy and Charlie brothers? What's the deal with Abbie? Is she giving Barry the blow job just so she can star with her husband in a porn movie? This all seems a little hard to follow for me, at least in a way that is plausible.

Of course, the goal is comedy, so it really doesn't have to be too plausible. The writer has a talent for dialogue. Problem is I'm not sure if there are moments that really produce a good laugh. And that might even be impossible anyway, given that the story wants to keep most things hidden until the end, even if one suspects.

But if this is not comedy, it certainly can't be something serious. I don't know, maybe this tried to be both, and walked down the middle as neither. A good effort for a couple days and a boring logline. Clearly a good writer who was experimenting.

story B

Perfectly executed for a 2 day project. A seasoned writer. A creative concept with a twist. And a nice job with this log line. What can I say, very well done.

If I were to search for a criticism, it would be that for some reason the end fell a little flat. Can't put my finger on why. It works, and yet is emotionally flat, if that's possible. Maybe it's his last comment about still loving her. Show it don't say it they say.

But nice work. A was good, but maybe lacked a consistent tone, not sure if it wanted to be serious or comical. B had few flaws if any. So B it is!
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Ryan1
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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A. Wow, beginning this tale with a Yeats Quote?  Okay, so it had a cliched beginning with the alarm clock.  First slug says "Ollie's Flat" but was there an Ollie in this script?

It got better with the descriptions of Charlie and his porn-loving world.  However, I kept waiting for the story to develop and it never happened.  This felt more like a collection of scenes than a unified narrative.  Charlie's motivations were never clear to me.  Or how Abby got under Barry's desk.  

The "package" double entendre is mined for all it's worth, but the story had a rather scattered, haphazard pace.  As far as the ending, Charlie never actually used the enlarger but Barry was still amazed by his schlong?  Or maybe I read that wrong.  

B.  This was very good.  A simple concept, one location, with clever execution.  Walter's childhood story of the thumb tack in the nesting dolls was a nice touch.  I like how easily he was able to manipulate Terry without actually showing her the gun.  And the twist was just right.

I could also do without the "I still love you" line.  I mean, skank was boinkin' half the town.  A nice salt in the wound line would have ended this better instead of "better get youself a good lawyer."

But, very well constructed story for a two-dayer.  Gotta go with B here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Ryan1  -  April 30th, 2011, 11:24pm
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LC
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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All three are competently written.
My vote is with A.
It was the more colourful, i.e. more interesting, touches of humour, imo, than the other two... for a five pager. I do think with such a broad 'anything goes' logline though, that some stories of a more suspenseful nature might have been forthcoming. Not too much going with 'what's in the package'! However, good work from all three.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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A - Format was okie dokie, but I felt like a pastry chef at a pickle convention.
     It's not to everyone's taste. And who was Ollie?
     Way too high on the phallus quotient for me.

B - Nesting dolls were a nice image and character motivations were clear.
     Needed a stick it in and break it off corker, but still good work all around.

C - Harmless enough and a decent read.
     At least the contents of this box couldn't be used to rape or screw me over.

B it is. Good show contestants!

Regards,
E.D.  


LATEST NEWS

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Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  May 1st, 2011, 2:16am
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rc1107
Posted: April 30th, 2011, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Lol.  I think it was funny in A how 'fuck' was censored, but 'blow job' was in all caps.

I also think I figured out the Ollie thing.  I'm wondering if someone's trying to be sneaky.

Above all, I think I'm going to take B because it has a higher suspense factor.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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A

reads slightly funny due to the *** but that doesn't count so much because of the board filters. I'll quote that line from the Usual Suspects lineup  (fenster) I'd get "Hand me the fucking keys, you c**ksucker, what the fuck?" and I should get the same result.

Anyway, overall A didn't do much for me. There's brands of tea, some folks like Earl Grey, Green others, Ginger...etc. Simply, this was not my cup of tea. I'm sorry. I really can't get into it.

B

I liked this, although my memory check sees the use of TVs/Videos and I get this...premonition...oh, nevermind. I liked it a lot. My comments on this would echo EDs up there.

As for C, that was nice too. and that's too bad because I would have voted it over A and B Alas,  I cannot do so. So it is B as in Beans.


Footnote: kinda glad nobody did a quick take on Richard Matheson like Richard Kelly foolishly did a few years back, don't you?


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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Angry Bear
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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I voted for B and would have even if we were allowed to vote for C as well.

A didn't really work for me. Not because of subject matter, but I thought it was a confusing read. I had to stop and reread several times which is not good in such a short script. I think it was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't to me. Some of the descriptions were weird too.

B had a pretty good story and idea going and some good characterization. At least with Walter. I liked the back story of the thumbtack. I hated Terry.

C would have been my second vote, but...  


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grademan
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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Allen and James,

Damn fine work!

Two great stories here Ė a janitor becomes a porn star and a divorce kit from eBay. I liked the dastardly start to the divorce story and liked the humor of the janitors.

B edges out A for me.

Gary
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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I was wondering where these were.

I didn't like A at all.  Hard to follow, over the top in its use of porn and double entendre, not well written overall.  Lots of issues throughout.

I did like B.  Reminded me alot of an OWC script I wrote for The Dark.  Writing was pretty good, not great, but hey, it's 2 or 3 days, right?  Like someone else said, although the ending was alright, it seemed to be rather anti climatic.

I didn't like C at all.  Poorly written, hard to follow, based on the way it's written, weak or no story, didn't get much of anything out of it.

My vote easily goes to B.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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screenrider
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hundreds of members and only 12 votes?  What's wrong with this picture?

I voted for B.  

Good job, J.
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mcornetto
Posted: May 1st, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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And so to name names....

A - Andrew
B - James

Good job Andrew but James continues on yet again.

Next Wednesday (U.S time) the next challenge.  This time between Jwent and LC.    
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