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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    September 2011 One Week Challenge  ›  Dark Escort - OWC Moderators: Don
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  Author    Dark Escort - OWC  (currently 3884 views)
Don
Posted: September 18th, 2011, 10:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dark Escort by Dr. Ument - Short - A young man in a hurry to impress his girlfriend just might lose her to the dark escort. 11 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:34am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Well, well, well.

Interesting take, pretty well written and conceived script...I just don't think it feels at all like a single location, though, and that's too bad.  It also doesn't feel like 4 actors/characters...well, it's obviously 5 characters, 1 of which could be played by the same actor, but...oh shit, let's not go there.

I liked the feel here, the mood, the story, and the effort.

I have trouble with some of the writing though -

I hate asides, and we've got a number here.

I didn't like the character descriptions, as they're both "heavy" and...hmmm...how to say this...well, how's this - heavy wind and snow falling and we learn that Chad has an average build and he's clean cut.  His babe girlfriend has dangerous eyes.  Obviously no one  is going to get any of that in a filmed version.  Then, the old man, "in" long white hair. - I don't know why, but I really struggled with these.

I also have issues with just who Chad and Vicky are as characters and why they're here...it doesn't really compute or make sense.  And when Chad pulls a gun, and actually shoots the gun in a threatening way, I was about ready to stop reading, even though I did want to find out what this was all about.  Glad I continued and finished, as it's well put together and entertaining.

I have a sneaky suspicion that this wasn't really completely thought out...or fleshed out, but it's one of only a few OWC scripts I've read over the years that has the feel of a feature (or at least a much longer, more detailed version) waiting to grow out of it.  The logistics, characters, and motivational problems could be cleaned up and this could be good, IMO.  I'd like to know more about this dark escort and I rarely feel that way about a character, especially in an OWC.

I don't feel it works at all for this OWC, though, and the constraints kind of kill the potential.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:39am Report to Moderator
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I think this was well written, but I didn't get the ending at all, it just like ended. I can't believe Chad would hold a gun to someone just to hear a story, that was pretty far fetched. the writing was strong, but it was a bit too confusing of an ending for me, still a good effort on the OWC.


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grademan
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:50am Report to Moderator
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I liked this. This is one I felt was constrained by the page limit. More story to tell about trying to find the dark escort.

Couple things:

Pulling the gun on an old man felt forced as did woman's insistence on going upstairs.

The old man’s story was long but kept my interest.

Loved the ending. Simple but explained a lot.
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Dreamscale
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 8:59am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Yeah, Gary just brought something up I wanted to say...

The story the old man told "could" be good, but within the parameters of this OWC, it doesn't work for me at all, as it's so long and it's not broken up with any kind of visuals (which it definitely needs to be).

It obviously needs a Flashback.  Well, maybe "obviously" isn't exactly the right word, but IMO, it would help.

I'd like to see this rewritten outside the low budget, 1 location (which this ain't), 4 character, 12 page limitations.  Could be very cool!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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leitskev
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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I would point to some different issues than others have raised. Let's start with the protagonist. Your protagonist is the one who takes us on the journey, keeps us interested. He should be likable. This kid is not likable at all. Not only does he pull a gun on an old man, but he's weak. He only does this to impress his girlfriend. Everything he does is kind of wimpy.

You want your protag to have a clear goal. In this case, he does, to impress his girl, but that's not a goal that really interests us or keeps us tuned in.

Ideally you want some kind of stakes or urgency. Really aren't any here.

The old man tells a pretty long story. Perhaps in a film version, they would show brief clips of the things he describes in the story, but that's not the case here, as it is. But, if the actor who plays the old man was interesting, one of those types that really knows how to tell a story, maybe you could get away with it. As a general rule, stay away from long dialogue like this.

I think the story is fine as far as OWC instructions. It's all at the hotel, or right in front of it. There are 5 characters, but only 4 actors would be needed, and Don explained this was fine.

You talked about shots, which I always approve of in a story!
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Andrew
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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There's a full story here and somewhat of a cliffhanger with the chaps poised to enter back into the room. It is a little abrupt that you don't give us a fade out and end on a sentence that logically suggests another sentence is to follow, but where you stop the story makes sense.

The main criticism is that the character's act in a way that serves the story and not in an organic manner that leads the story - a crucial difference.

For those that like this type of thing, it's going to hit the nail on the head. It's just not really my type of thing, but I can appreciate you know your story and how to tell it.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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With all the long dialogue from the old man this came across as a good tale that your grandfather would tell you by the fire. I kind of enjoyed this but a few things did bother me. A few thoughts;

# I wasn't sold on the boy pulling a gun. Maybe with more set up it could work or maybe the girl could be rash and run for it leading to a battle as they run up the steps or even that's the bed solution for the night? Just thoughts.
# maybe I'm picky but it appears they don't have a place to sleep, consider driving on but then hit the booze without resolving this. Maybe a sleep in the car night but it was something I thought would be resolved
# I liked the way the old man indicated a handing over to the young man as if some form of destiny. Was this right?

All the best


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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This fits the one location rule pretty much.
The “Pulp Fiction” couple riff caught me off guard.
The old man’s story seems familiar, for some reason.
I like the winter vibe in the old hotel, good combo.
Ack! Cliffhanger, you don’t play fair.
And there’s the chest too, so many questions.
Pretty good, consider finishing this after the OWC.

Regards,
E.D.


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c m hall
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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The unpleasantness of the characters works in the story's favor, creating a certain amount of friction.  The writing seems thoughtful, there are recognizable human emotions.  Thanks for that.
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darrentomalin
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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I almost skimmed during the overly long dialogue as the story is told but it was an atmospheric story. The main problem is the characters, I just didnt like any of them and when he pulled the gun I physically scratched my head in confusion - He was berated by his girl for having no sense of adventure yet he carries a loaded gun around and pulls it on people when they don't tell him stories.
Anyway, am very suprised Jeff didnt pull you on the lack of a FADE IN and a FADE OUT lol.
Good effort and very well written.
Daz


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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Ryan1
Posted: September 19th, 2011, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Expository dialogue...the lethal killer of one location scripts.  I liked the classic setup here of a couple of wayward travelers stumbling upon the inn with the dark history.  But, once that old man starts talking, and I do mean talking, the script became a struggle to read.  Just way, way too much prattling by the old timer.  The constraints of this owc definitely did not help the story.

I think it's an idea that would be better served where you could go into visual detail about the backstory of the room and mysterious chest.  Might be a worth a go after the owc to take another run at this without the one location rule.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I think this story is bigger than the confines in which it was constructed.

It could be a whole lot longer for one and include flashbacks instead of the long story that the old man tells (because of the rules of the challenge).

The story the old man tells is interesting enough and I like how he lays down the rules about not mentioning the hotel. It generates a lot of interest...

Then, when they demand to see it, I think it's a bit overdone. What's lilly
Chad  doing with a pistol?

I think it would be better if the Old Man just gives them a really strong
warning and washes his hands clean of the matter, knowing, that
he can't stop fate. Something like that.

But yes, I really do see this as a much larger piece rather than a short.

Good job.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey! Where's the ending?

It's like you came to page 12 and just stopped writing cos you were only allowed 12 pages.

That's my only complaint.

I think you should go with this story and flesh it out. You held my attention. I was wondering what was going to happen next....

then BAM
a white page
the end.

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Heretic
Posted: September 20th, 2011, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Page 7:  The Old Man won't say any more, but he'll take them up there?

Thoughts:

Confused about the reactions above.  This one ends right where it should, with all the trappings of a classic ghost story.  The couple fails to heed the warning and doom themselves to repeat history.

Definitely not one location, no matter how you cut it.  Probably not low budget, either, with the carriage.  

The Old Man's story is too long and his character doesn't quite play.  It doesn't make sense that he won't say more, will take them up there, and then will help try to get Vicky back.  Some clarity is needed here.

All in all, I rather enjoyed this.  Got a nice rise outta me -- felt bad for the young couple and worse because it was their fault.

Thanks for the fun read!


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