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There's not much I can say about this either except... This. Was. Amazing! Great writing here with a heartbreaking ending. It's sad when you realize that for someone out there, this is probably a reality.
It's wonderfully paced. I think you have a writing style and I'll recognize your story in the future even if your name is not on the script.
SPOILERS I didn't see that ending coming, which is a very good thing. I think you build up to surprise ending with the talks about "good karma". The idea is simple, very simple, yet satisfying - I think much of it has to do with the way you paced it and with all the wonderful images and descriptions you included in your story. It's hard to do - to take something this simple and infuse it with images.
Very sad though. I love happy endings, a bit of me was let down. But I don't suggest you change it though.
Thank you for the reads. I wrote this as something easy to film...so tried to keep ti short and sweet...well, sad in the end ...but based on a partly true story. I am always helping people(even when maybe I shouldn't) and we did see this guy broke down in a wheelchair and I pulled over...and sent my husband to go check on him. While Jon was running over to help him(by my request) I thought what if..I put him accidentally in harms way! Shit! Anyway, nothing bad happened but the guy was very scared of us trying to help him...so just a word to those like me..be careful WHO you help. It could always backfire on you
Thank you again for the reads. Hope to have this filmed in the next two months.
This was a good read with a sad ending. I like the descriptions and action.
The only minor thing for me is the part where he gets shot. I understand you want to show Carson as a do-gooder, but it still feels too naive for him to just get out of the car (a nice vintage one too) in a shady place of town, especially when there's a drug deal going on nearby.
I think this scene would still work if it was just a normal street and the guy in the wheel chair turned out to be some bad guy, conning him. Just like he was "conned" by the homeless guy with a Starbucks cup.
Overall, I like your crisp, clean writing style. Good luck!
There were some beautiful descriptions but also some that I didn't agree with. I prefer a locations description rather than a statement like 'a place you don't want to be at night'. This is my preference so I'm not saying it's wrong.
I wonder why Carson was driving through a rough area as he is clearly a nice, well off fella?
I also wondered if the Guy in the wheel chair shot Carson or the drug dealers. Was the Guy in the chair a previous victim?
You say you wrote this as something easy to film, I'm not sure how easy it would be? Shooting in a Hospital location? Not easy in England, I don't know about the US?
Anyway, really good good, clean writing and an interesting story. Really enjoyed it.
Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.
Yeah when I read it back for the first time today....the money thing was very hard to get thru. I was like...What the f...seemed like he put the money in ...then put it in again...instead of putting ones in and then later coughing up the twenty!!! Today was the first time I looked back at this. Sorry. I need to proof my own work. This was a 2.5 hour script that just came out really fast on the keyboard. I liked the Starbucks guy.
Your writing is really coming along way. You're getting close!
There are still things that slow the read for me a couple times, cause me to have to keep doubling back. Many of these issues probably are more due to my weakness as a reader. Let's look at an example.
Page 5, the scene where he gets shot. It's a new slug with a new time, so I know it's a brand new scene. You go half a page without describing Carson as there in the scene. Then when you do place him there we get no sense of what he's doing. It just says "Carson focuses in on the chair..." Because it was introduced this way, I went back and reread, thinking maybe it was connected to the previous scene. But it's not. I think it would help if you describe Carson standing at a crosswalk, or walking. Something.
Overall, there is some really fine description, the dialogue is really coming along well, sounding more and more realistic in your work. And I think the story works very well too. The reverse Karma at the end is different than how these things normally play out, and I like that. Usually, Carson would have been the type to give the beggar nothing, then pay a price at the end. You changed it up, and that's cool. Excellent work!
PS I just read Brett's comment. I had some trouble getting through the money exchange too. I'm not sure if the staccato was the issue, maybe. But it wasn't totally clear while it was going on, though it was clear by the end. Keep working on those issues, we all have to. Whether it's a matter of polishing, or experience, very little things like that are what make our amateur scripts different from most pro. When I read a pro script, it takes a couple of minutes to read 10 pages. The script flies. And that makes a huge difference in my receptiveness to the story.
I've been reading your scripts since the first few you posted and I have to tell you, your writing has improved soooo much. It's not even like you were bad to start, but there were a few issues with overwriting that I can remember.
While there are still some areas that can be cut down, you do a remarkable job of setting scenes and your descriptions are great!
I did have to re-read the last page to understand what was going on, but it wasn't bad by any means.
My one complaint is the theme. This story seems incredibly pessimistic. If that's what you wanted to convey, you did a great job, but I can't see too many people feeling good after reading/watching it.
Keep writing! You are an amazing student of the craft. Few can soak up knowledge of screenwriting like you seem to have done!
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Well - this is a shift-change isn't? Anybody might think you'd been reading up on stuff - maybe practising 'n' all. Your English useage has changed - have you been taking writing classes? I dunno. You've been up to something, girl and it's made your writing go upstairs pretty quick.
Apart from it being good -- here's the bits that stood out for me:
A set of KNUCKLES RAP on the window. He jumps, startled.
Carson spins around ...
-- I'd have gone for the line change on 'He jumps' so Carson's actions are kept together.
## The light up ahead turns green. -- The lights turn green - is just as sweet.
## Most would just speed off, -- maybe, maybe not - it's novelistic, isn't it?
## retrieves the double sawback. -- this is why I begun to think you'd been taking writing classess, great use of the written word here, changing the use of words, cranking the imagination.
## A crinkled smile births across the dirty face. -- Tropes occasionally raise their heads on this site, but often scurry quickly away. Imaginative, yes, but I wasn't sure it totally worked - for me that is.
Buzzing with white collar workers. Tables full of friends, enemies -- coworkers.
It’s an active place. The HUM of voices. -- Still part of the description, so these lines could have gone together.
## About halfway down -- Pet peeve - 'about' is a wimps word - take it out and the sentence works better, least not worse, so it's still trimmed. And trimming is always good ...
Starched shirts form a line. About halfway down, Carson stands patiently in queue. Then she walks in. -- 'Then she ... ' really deserves a separate line - for impact's sake.
princess pretty, -- I liked - have you been reading about plosives? Good use here.
A smile finds her face, because she’s found him. -- This felt a bit clumpy - maybe word order, maybe take 'because' out - just didn't fit.
A potbellied GUY rolls his eyes as if one person sliding in front of him is going to make him miss a meal. -- almost like making a meal of a sentence ...
AMANDA (CONT’D) I got it. Don’t worry. I’ll put it on your tab. -- I think from just "I'll put ..." is as good.
With a fork, he stabs the colorful English peas. Pauses and looks into Amanda’s eyes. -- A full stop followed by a pauses ... I think commas would have worked wonders here.
They eat. Their voices drown out amongst steady chatter. -- I got a wide from this - very nicely done.
She shakes her head in agreeance. -- some have argued that agreeance is not a word, but let them to it. I think she'd nod her head?
Remnants of former business. -- businesses?
The ‘75 rolls down the street. Behind it, the afternoon sun begins its descent. -- Set a lovely scene.
It nears the far corner. -- wasn't too sure -- the far corner of what?
CARSON (O.S.) Hey! You need some help! -- is very different from 'help?' ...
An OLD CRIPPLE, -- mmmmm. Is this an okay word?
the crippled climbs back on -- now you're abusing it ...
A ventilator tube and tape covers his face. -- cover?
Title: One Month Later -- Super:?
no where -- nowhere.
Great stuff! Yes, one day, you'll write a happy script full of happy people doing happy things, but until then -- well, like I say - this is a shift-change. You've improved pretty much every angle here in your writing. Well done - I think you deserve this.
But IMO there are some things that could strenthen the story.
Firstable, about conflict. What if the protagonist's girl (or wife) goes whith him and swears for waisting money and time? What if she threatens to leave him if he doesn't stop? I believe his good will could be more explicit in this case.
The second thing is that the protagonist has no aim. He has no visible reasons to hurry up, so he can easily come out the car and help somebody. What if he needs to be in time somewhere, but his goodness takes too much time? For example, he is a theatre-lover and struggles to see the last perfomance at the famous touring theatre. He has tried for 3 days already, but every time was late because of helping other people.
I think the script could be more interesting if the protagonist overcomes difficulties.
It's just an opinion.
Whatever it's a good story. Good luck!
P.S. Sorry for my English. Shurely there are mistakes for it's not my native language.