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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Left or Right - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Left or Right - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4505 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 1:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Left or Right by Anonymous Dan - Short - An eccentric lawyer takes refuge from a hurricane in an unusual beat-up hotel. His perception of good and evil is distorted, as everything is not as it seems. - pdf, format


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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I tried to get into this, but some of the (intentional?) sex jokes put me off a little bit.


Quoted Text
MATTHEW
Why? This place is pumpin’, look at
the hot chicks.

They both turn their heads towards a group of girls in short
skirts.

MATTHEW (CONT’D)
What do ya do for a crust?



Quoted Text
MARK
The guy at the front desk was a bit
stiff.


Like the line about Carol's stockings though. Maybe I'm getting a bit tooi dirty minded these days. In any case, in spite of being fairly amusing and not being a fan of bold headers and mispelled profanity, for the most part, as much as I hate to admit it---the piece is fairly well written.

It's not my favorite, but it's better than most.



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pale yellow
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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pg 4 Were the hell am I.  Where and need a ?

This was well written. The characters were not 'real' interesting but it's one of the better of the first bunch.

I like the bold headers.

Good job.


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crookedowl
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was written well, though there were a few grammar errors. Like: "a VACANT neon sign flashes, he pulls into the car park" "He approaches the window, water oozes from his shoe" Both comma splices.

This thing kinda takes a long time to get started-- the first three pages are just about him getting to the motel. That's almost half of the script. So, I think this could be shortened while still retaining the same effect.

I still liked this. Definitely one of the better entries.

Great job completing the OWC.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Oh man...

I actually read this entire script and that's probably why I'm going to be harsher on it than others that are clearly much worse.

So many mistakes here.  How others can call this well written is downright shocking to me.  There must be well over 100 mistakes in the 7 pages.  Mistakes of all kinds...everywhere.

What really upsets me here though, is that there's no story here at all.  No attempt to meet the challenge.  Instead of a beat up motel, we have some huge otherworldly hotel  Hurricane?  Nope, talk of a cyclone near San Francisco, of all places.  Low budget?  Not remotely even close.  Good vs evil?  No way.  And how do we end here?  It was all a dream.

I think what upsets me the most is that I can tell by your writing that you do now how to write, making this effort appear worse than it probably is.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, but this was a complete waste for me.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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There aren't any 200 mph winds in California but alright, for the story's sake I'll let that go.

But if this epic storm were about to hit then why is he driving in it and seemingly shocked when it hits?

Didn't meet the setting requirements at all.  Two pages in a car and another page in a nightclub - yes, it's a "waiting room" in a motel but that really doesn't work.

Kind of a cute ending I guess but until the last line I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a comedy or if Mark was just a dick.  The description of him and Matthew attempting uncoordinated dance moves I think is also an unintentionally funny image.

Easy enough to read but not much else going on, sorry.

Greg


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RegularJohn
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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A somewhat bland story, most of the script was spent on unnecessary description rather than developing the plot.
What was the deal with the old woman at the side of the road?  She popped up then disappeared altogether.
Sorry if I come off as harsh but this script just comes off as lazy, sugarcoated with lengthy details and Dreamscale brings up the point that you didn't really follow the parameters of the contest to which I agree.  You have an ability for quality writing but this specific piece lacked dedication.


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danbotha
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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I have a feeling I know the author of this one. That log-line is typical for a certain writer I know and the writing is a bit of a give away, as well.

Anyway I'm not going to lie, I thought this is a story that has been seen a hundred times over and the ending falls flat. How many times have we seen people waking up after a dream? In all the times I've seen this done, it just never seems to make sense.

Like the others, I don't feel that you've met the challenge requirements. There's no choice between good and evil (not really, anyway) and the supernatural event is a little vague.

There's no challenge for your main character and it all just falls apart from there.

Sorry, mate.

Good job on finishing the OWC, though.

Dan


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jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Got some laughs at this. Pretty well written for the most part. I guess Mark did have his paranormal mother following him so a check there. The decision between good and evil was pretty in your face.

Not much to add here. It was a quick read and maybe I'm alone here but I liked it.

Good job entering the owc.

James


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Alex_212
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Have to agree with James,

The choice between good and evil, tick, the odd but interesting character, tick, supernatural, well the mum and Jesus character, tick, hurricane, tick, beat up hotel, tick.

Found this a quick, enjoyable read, we'll written and it flowed nicely.

The payoff caught me by surprise, the real hell was being home with the wife yelling at him after a night on the grog. Works well and I can relate to that. The other twist was that Hell was heaven.

Overall I enjoyed it.


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't a big fan of the protag talking to himself for almost 3-4 pages. Sometimes it's more powerful if you let your cinematic images make a statement rather than the character making a snide remark to himself.

I think this was meant to be light hearted so there's no gore or blood. I didn't expect that "twist" in the end, but I'm not a big fan of waking up in a dream, unless you give hints along the way that it's just a dream. Maybe everything was off-beat so that's the hint that it's just a dream (i.e. the Mum appearing once and never seen again)?

It's okay. A step ahead than most of the early entries that I've read so far.
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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I would agree with Jeff and Greg that this failed in meeting the challenge and there really wasn't much of a story. I think my biggest problem was that there were no stakes. The main desk guy made it seem all serious (and Mark's reactions to all of this were too severe).

Overall, this was a miss for me.

D.


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DaveTroop
Posted: October 20th, 2012, 10:12pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on finishing the OWC!

I'm kinda on the fence about this one.  

It does have its share of errors and failed attempts at humor.  However, it isn't the worst thing I've read in the contest.  Some of the jokes work.

However, there is that long drive in the car.  And it does bend some contest rules.

Overall, just okay.

Thanks for playing, though.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 3:37am Report to Moderator
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I have to say this one didn't hit the Mark for me , apologies for the pun.

First off, I think the criteria were pushed a little too far. A lot of time in the car, on the road, in a street of motels. Tis is meant to be micro budget in a beat up motel. Anyway, most scripts have to push something, I just thought this was a little too much, oh and a night club and his bedroom as well. Long list.

Love the carols line - good. And I did like the idea of hell being pestered my your wife, did I read that right.

Hell for lawyers, bit standard. If you wanted a laugh why not have an unusual character in there, eg charity worked who needed a blast for once, letting his hair down, or can't read maps etc

Storm was a bit of an after thought, but then again it is for many.

All the best.


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marnieml
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand this and I also didn't feel it fell into the parameters of the challenge.  He's in a car for the first two pages.  

And I didn't get the lawyer thing.  Were they in hell?  Not saying some don't belong there but it just felt random.

And then he wakes up.  Okay.  ((eye roll))  By your writing I know you can do way better.  Maybe just wrote this quickly to enter something.  That's my guess.  


  
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