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The dialogue is very heavy and that’s understandable with this challenge but I think you’ve overdone it. Just way too much exposition thrown at the reader here, I followed it okay but it sure as hell slowed the read which normally isn’t the case when reading such a script.
I think you stuck to most of the parameters, motel, hurricane, supernatural past and what not. I would question the opening “establishing” shot which should probably go to keep it low budget, it’s probably expensive to flood a parking lot but I do understand why you showed this.
What you did do well here.
You knew the subject matter (Rahab, prostitute etc) and used it to push the story forward with the hurricane being conjured up for cleansing the city of its sinners. Not a bad effort but it’s a shame it was all lost in a sea of dialogue which needs to be trimmed to make this piece more reader friendly.
The writing was a tad rushed it seemed, a few typos spread about (cofee) and lots of awkward sentences which hurt the read. Get rid of those “continued” on the pages – unnecessary.
And this line stuck out to me rather odd – “Coffee SIZZLES” Does coffee sizzle like acid upon hitting someone’s skin? And Ababuo drank that “hot” coffee with tremendous speed which was made from an “electric coffee pot” I got the impression with the “boarded up windows” that this motel was abandoned but it has electricity and coffee pots?
Little things like this did make me stop and think but maybe I’m being picky… it was a tough challenge.
Not a bad effort but it needs a good clean up for clarity sake.
I thought this was pretty good. A little talkative at times that didn't seem to move the story along but for the most part the material was presented well.
Good imagery, too, most notably Ababuo's scars. Character-wise it started pretty traditional and then did a complete 180 and I think it worked. Ababuo was pathetic, creepy, and heroic all at the same time.
Wow, as I keep saying...the quality of this new batch is shocking compared to the earlier scripts.
I'm very impressed with this overall. Lots of attention to detail, research, some good writing overall, and some great dialogue, all wraped up in a very strong story that's well set up adn well executed.
As others have said, it is very dialogue heavy adn very expositional in delivery. Also, lots of what i call "speeches" from a single character which never plays well on film.
But much of the dialogue is the stuff that most writers will neve be able to write in their life, let alone in a week or maybe even a few days.
Some mistakes and awkward lines, but I almost wonder if some of these were intentional to throw off their identity. Hmmm...
I don't think this will transfer to film nearly as well as it looks on the page, but again, heads and shoulders above the dreck from earlier.
Very impressive effort here!
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
Hmm, I like the story behind this one, but there feels like too much to be a short. So much had to be covered in exposition-dialogue that I wondered why we weren't seeing what the harlot was explaining to us. I'd see this as a good short film, possibly thirty to forty-five minutes, but in only twelve pages, it felt a little busy.
I like this one. You've reached all the challenge requirements perfectly and even got a little creative with it. Your two characters are very interesting.
As far as improving it, I'd suggest having a look at that dialogue as some of it does come across as a little awkward. I originally thought that this one was set during medieval times, based on the dialogue. Nope, it's just weirdly written. Not sure if that was your intention.
A good short, which suited the challenge requirements well.
Pg 1: “Its curtains...” Should be “it's” Your opening scene already takes on too many SFX. Already pushing the rules. Let's see what happens.
Pg 2: Where did Joshua enter the room from? Outside? The bathroom? Specify.
Pg 4: Joshua continued speaking, should have had (CONT'D)
Pg 5: “glass shatter.” Should be “shatters” “completely unconscious.” Unconscious assumes completely. “He’s surrouded by darkness.” Think you meant surrounded.
Pg 6: “But we won’t go into specifics.” You have a lot of specifics already. I want to know now.
Pg 8: “I am not here for revenge. That would be unchristian like.” Wait, didn't she use and like magic? And is looking for a witchdoctor? That is unchristian. She might as well take revenge!
I guess I should first say good job completing a script for this challenge. Simply written, with some mistakes – shown in my notes. Nothing fancy about the descriptions, and would have liked more vivid writing. This is the OWC, so I guess I can't fault you too much there. The dialogue was pretty good. It was somewhat heavy on exposition, but probably was necessary in this case. The story, well, let's just say it didn't work for me. Applying the story of Jericho to the flood of New Orleans didn't work for me. Also, I didn't agree with how you handled the religious parts (sorry, won't go into detail on that). Thanks for the read though.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
There was plenty to like in this. I thought the metaphor of New Orleans as a modern day Jericho was cleverly done. Memorable, vivid characters. Had to google Rahab and it was a perfect name for the motel.
However, the pacing felt a little off to me. I think Ababuo turned the tables too soon. She incapacitates Joshua on page five, so he spends most of the script just talking from his chair, with both characters delivering vast amounts of expo. It got to be a bit much.
And like cinemachado said, the final line felt borrowed from Batman.
But, I can tell a good amount of time and effort went into this, so well done.
Yep, it's a bit talky and I wonder if it contains enough of a story i.e. visuals when translated to screen. Hmm, maybe.
Lots of long dialogue passages but it held my interest, regardless of some stilted passages - you should use contractions for words as people do in everyday conversation, (I get you might be going for character-speech here) but watch words like 'no where' for nowhere, for example, makes for a more fluid read.
And your last line 'I wouldn't kill you' but 'I won't save you either' I think would read far better as 'I won't kill you' present tense. Hey, I'm being picky.
MOTEL: Yes MICRO BUDGET: Yes. Put an eye patch on her. HURRICANE: Katrina key to story. CHARACTERS: Say what you will about the dialogue but these two characters had a “real” quality to their oddness. SUPERNATURAL: Yes - witch doctor DECISION: To kill Joshua or not
Good read. Here’s some things to think on:
The turns in this were a bit unsubstantiated. For example when she reveals she’s the daughter she should have some token to prove it’s her. Also, when he reveals the guy she’s looking for is in the tub it could be a little sound or something to say there’s someone in there.
Unsubstantiated also applies to both character’s surprise alter egos. When people reveal themselves like that I get bummed because you could do that in any show. I prefer to see a glimmer or a place where I can say ‘Okay, I can see that had double meaning, I got it.’