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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2012 One Week Challenge  ›  Cowboy Sam - 10/12 OWC
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  Author    Cowboy Sam - 10/12 OWC  (currently 4861 views)
Don
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cowboy Sam by Anonymous Paul - Short - A supernatural being, a friend, an enemy, a deviant. Cowboy Sam - pdf, format


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kingcooky555
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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The first slug line should be in the car. I assume its a car racing down the highway? Maybe Ext. car to establish where we are then go straight to the interior of the car.

I found this rather confusing. Was Cowboy Sam a flashback? The flashback was something outside of the motel so not sure if that's allowed. Lastly, I didn't get the supernatural. I was too confused with going back and forth between Cowboy Sam and the motel room that I just gave up and read the ending quick.

Various misspellings and typos. Felt rushed. Congrats on participating and good luck rewriting this.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, unless I'm mistaken, this is the first official pisser of the challenge.  I couldn't tell you what this story was about if you put a gun to my head a la Cowboy Sam.

Starts out routine enough, but the hurricane plays virtually no role in this at all.  No description of the motel and no real explanation why no one was at the kiosk.

I'm assuming the jewelry store scene is a flashback, but it isn't labeled as such.  And at this point, its hard to tell if Cowboy Sam is a living, breathing sicko or just some vengeful apparition.  Also unclear why Jack would kidnap Liz, who's his daughter(right?)

But then, this happened:

KEVIN
(to Liz)
Quiet you.  I havenít forgiven you
for throwing up on me yet.

What a line.

Right about there is where I completely lost track.  No idea why Jack was going to kill himself or what Kevin was doing in the photobooth.  

And then Madam Putz smashes through the wall like somebody just yelled "Hey, Kool-Aid!!"  The writer unfortunately ran out of time just as she was "pinning Kevin up against the wall in a sea of rolling fat."  Thanks for leavin' me hangin'.

Top contender for the bizarro prize.  

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crookedowl
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, but a few pages into this, I was totally lost. Some typos throughout.

This definitely needs a rewrite. Focus on telling the story, and be sure it makes sense.

Be sure to label your flashbacks, because otherwise it's very easy for readers to become completely confused. (Still not sure if the jewelry store scene was a flashback or not, though...)

I'm not sure if this is a pisser or not, but I'll leave the benefit of the doubt to the writer. My apologies if this is a serious effort.

Good job completing an OWC.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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I told myself that I was going to read each and every script form here on out in its entirety, but that's not going to be happening, thanks to this thing.

So many mistakes.  So many different kinds of mistakes.  So many downright hilarious mistakes.  Is it a pisser or is this an attempt at an actual script?  I don't know to be honest.

If it's a serious attempt, you seriously need to start reading scripts, doing homework on how to write, turn your auto correct to "on", read your work back out loud and make at least a few correctoins.

Sorry, but this is really, really bad.  This new batch does not look very promising.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 21st, 2012, 6:21pm
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stevie
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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No way its a pisser because it ain't remotely funny


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:01pm Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I agree with pretty much everyone else. This one was a complete disaster on every level. The grammar/spelling/punctuation was atrocious. The dialogue went from trying to be serious then funny then neither. The story was entirely non-existent. Nothing in it made any sense because you really didn't even attempt to have a plot... or an ending.

By far, the worst that's come up in the OWC so far. No question.

F.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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I tried reading it to see what the fuss was about.... wow alot of spelling mistakes and it looks like it's written from across the pond ...Crisps, biscuits...

Sorry pretty bad story also
Good job on entering

Mark


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
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If this is a pisser, it's close to gnius, but without an ending, not quite.

I read the entire thing and I am feeling much better than I was earlier,  THis made me smile and that's entertainment,

Some of this dialogue is truly both classic and timeless.

I really enjoyed the close and touching father/daughter relationship between Jack and Liz.  I'd love to see this deep but possibly troubled relationsip expanded into a feature or maybe series, even.

Good stuff!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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This didn't make a lot of sense.

That's all I have to say about that.

Greg


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CoopBazinga
Posted: October 21st, 2012, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Woof! There is some really funny shit going on in this story and I'm not to sure what to make of it.

I'm pretty confident previous posters would have said about the numerous issues going on here and there is a lot.

I have absolutely no idea what was going on or why? And this seemed to end mid-scene and leave me hanging. Maybe it's like "Kill Bill" and this was only part 1? Hopefully part 2 is in the works as we speak?

You had Madam Putz (who became Lady Putz later BTW) rolling like the huge boulder from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" which was only one of many funny moments from this script. A few other highlights were Kevin playing air guitar in his pants and Jack launching himself from the room leaving poor old Kevin to take the heat.

And I have to mention this particular line:

"The watch is not for me. If I were to procure the dismembered arm of my darling lover, could you fit it then."

It really did make me laugh.

Yeah, this was funny but for all the wrong reasons I'm afraid to say. Was it a pisser? I guess we'll have to wait and see when the authors are revealed.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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pale yellow
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:59am Report to Moderator
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You forget to cap Jack upon first intro but then on down the page you cap  Jack.

There are problems with spelling not far into this and understandable I guess for an owc.

Kevin carries Liz over her shoulder, -- over HIS shoulder.

I'm bailing after page 6 sorry....the back and forth dialogue ...and I just felt like this is going no where. Maybe I'll pick it back up later.

Good job making an entry. Needs a lotta work imo.


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DV44
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry but I was lost after the opening scene. A four door saloon <- should be sedan, right? The story was all over the place, it's possible you were strapped for time. Congrats on writing for the OWC.
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Gage
Posted: October 22nd, 2012, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, not gonna finish this one.  Seems like very little effort was put into it.  I don't think it's quite bad/funny enough to be a piss-take, sorry.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2012, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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For some reason I had high hopes for this. Hummmm.

It started with tension, and a high production budget which carried on, involving two blokes with a woman in the boot gong into an abandoned motel to escape a storm. Potentially a good set up.

But then it got weird and unfocused and no ones knows what was going on.what was CS? Why was he there? An fatty putz etc the list goes on.

Well, it was different.


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