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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Ring Finger Moderators: bert
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  Author    Ring Finger  (currently 3615 views)
Don
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ring Finger by Johnny Diaz (regularjohn) - Short, Thriller - With evidence of her infidelity, a distraught man resorts to extreme measures to sever ties with his cheating wife. 3 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 25th, 2014, 5:10pm
revised draft
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny,

Great uno pager! Creative, intense, and a creepy visual payoff.  Bill doesn't mess around.

Later,

John


Revision History (1 edits)
oJOHNNYoNUTSo  -  October 4th, 2013, 2:53pm
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alffy
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Johnny, great one pager.  Not much else to say as I found nothing wrong with this at all.  I thought it was great.  You managed a story with emotion and suspense, not bad going for one page, some can't manage that in ten.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Hi John

SPOILERS

I loved this...it was one page long. Always a winner with me.

Ahem, oh the script.

Yeah, not bad. Has the goods sides of a one pager. Contained. Low budget, few actors. Quite heavy in the words, you know the kind that could have been two pages but condensed. I would challenge you to take a line out of each paragraph and see whether you can still tell the story?

So, the twist, I quite liked it. At first I was expecting 'its all a mistake', maybe that the writer in me, so I was glad it wasn't. On screen it could appear different. Would it be a surprise, or just expected?

However, the final paragraph actually confused me. What was i seeing? Could do with a touch of clarity, IMO

But, a pretty decent effort for one page.

Wouldn't be surprised if you got some interest in this.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RegularJohn
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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Thanks to Don for getting this up.

Johnny, Alffy, glad you guys liked it.  It was an idea floating around in my head and thought I should get it out and learn from it.  Thanks for giving it a look.

Reef, I'll definitely try and move some things around, maybe a snip here and there just to lighten the read a bit more.  I guess I had it in my mind that if it's going to be a page long, I should use that space but I see where you're coming from.

Btw, it was Bill behind her.  I tried to write it so that all the audience really saw was his disfigured, bloody hand with the missing finger.  I'll tidy that last paragraph up in either case.  Thanks.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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Yeah just to clarify, it was probably the last sentence which threw me.

Is he wearing this again, when he's just cut it off? Do we know why?

One pagers are intense, each word counts because so you have so few to back it up with.

Cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RegularJohn
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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I was after the idea that he just needed that ring off his finger.  The betrayal was just too much for him and he snapped.  It never was removed from his finger (or what was left of it) by the time Rachael arrived.

I suppose one of my flaws as a writer is that my characters kind of get away from me sometimes.  In a crazy way, I really don't know why Bill resorted to cutting off his finger but the booze was in his system along with a mess of heavy emotions.  If I rewrite this, I'll definitely see what I can do about this story as a whole.  


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Nomad
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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It made sense to me, John.  

::SPOILERS::
At first I thought the same thing, "Why did he put the ring back on?", but then I realized that he never got it off.  He cut the finger above the ring and was probably in the act of removing it just before he was about to make himself a widower.
::END::

Nice job for one page.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Spoilers

Just to further clarify - by the way i do like these discussions I feel we can all learn a lot from the nuances - I. Understood that Bill had the cleaver at the end.

And I really like the idea of a man cutting off his finger - very provocative, hence this could be filmed.

But, if he is cutting off his finger because he can't get the ring off, then the viewer needs a reason to believe he puts it back on. To me a one pager needs a twist, but the twist needs a reason as well.

Funny,  could see a religious angle in this whereby the character changes his mind because once married, always married

All the best


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RegularJohn
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Every 23 months for 23 days, Johnny writes.

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I see where you're coming from.  I think it all rested in the ring itself.  At first Bill was trying to remove it and after picking up the cleaver, he still was but maybe it was about breaking the ring entirely.

I like the symbolism behind wedding bands and tried using it with the ending image of the marred ring.  Bill's heart is shattered while Rachael's ring is just shining in the light in spite of her cheating.

I thought about having Bill completely sober and just going insane but wasn't sure if it would fly.  This rewrite could be fun.

And I also like these discussions.  I really enjoy peoples ideas and perceptions on the stories they read.  Thanks again.


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LC
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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Love it. Like others have said you've managed to build up a lot of suspense for a one-pager and some great visuals.

I do think the ending needs to be written quite a bit clearer though, cause I saw the fingers around the cleaver but didn't see where your main guy was. Easily fixed.  


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GM
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 10:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey RegularJohn,

A read for a read...especially when it's a page.

Very good.

However, I think this is more than a pager unfortunately.  Certain descriptions should be turned into a montage or series of shots. For example, this:

Bill explodes from the chair. Pots and pans go flying. Dishes shatter on the floor. Utensils crashes against the cabinets. SCREAMS of pain and fury through the chaos.

I think that's meant for a montage or series of shots.  For instance:

Bill explodes from the chair.

SERIES OF SHOTS

Pots and pans go flying.

Dishes shatter on the floor.

Utensils crashes against the cabinets.

You see?

Other than that, it's good.

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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Guest
Posted: October 4th, 2013, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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I disagree, Gabe, I think the SERIES OF SHOTS would be better left out.  Doesn't look right.

However, some of this could be broken up, yes.  It's very condensed.

Besides all that, I liked it.  There's intensity, brutality and betrayal running pretty deep.

I can also appreciate the symbolism going on here.  Nice touch.

As for clarity at the very end... I totally got what you were going for, John, so no problem there.
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danbotha
Posted: October 5th, 2013, 2:32am Report to Moderator
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Johnny,

These one pagers are hard to pull off. I like what you've done here. Great buildup to that climax with a creepy concluding image. Nice pace, interesting story. What I particularly like is your ability to tell a story with just images. I'm sure you've heard it before, but it's the images in a film that should ultimately tell the story. I believe you have nailed it here. Good job.

Just a note: You might want to check that "coptright"

Dan


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RegularJohn
Posted: October 5th, 2013, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Nomad, LC, and Reaper.  I'm happy that you guys liked it.

Gabe.  I get what you're saying but I try to stay away from those kinds of tricks.  To me, building tension and conflict then having the "SERIES OF SHOTS" kind of dumped in between does some damage to the read IMO.  I guess you can say I cheated by writing that paragraph the way but as long as the reader understands what was happening, I think I can get away with it.

Dan.  Glad you liked it.  A single scene, two characters, and no dialogue was the challenge I issued myself with this one and I'm glad it wasn't a failure.  And thanks for catching that typo.  Wow, a typo on the title page...I am ashamed.  Haha.


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