SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2020, 4:21pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration

The Se7en Week Challenge script are due to March 2020 Challenge page by April 20th at midnight (edt)

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  A Slave's Tale Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Slave's Tale  (currently 6447 views)
Don
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 11:25am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13548
Posts Per Day
1.93
A Slave's Tale by Dustin Bowcott - Action, Adventure - A white slave, separated from his love and kidnapped by Barbary pirates must make his way back to the New World and defeat his old master. 103 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  March 16th, 2014, 1:58pm
Logged
Site Private Message
TonyDionisio
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
New York
Posts
773
Posts Per Day
0.32
Hi Dustin,

A few things noticed.

Page 1.

A deeply buried post? How can that be filmed? Unearth it?
I'm picturing a body burned beyond all recognition. How can I also recognize it to be the body of a young black boy?

CARVER is resting his boot against the footrest of a carriage.  A black slave has the reigns. I assume there are horses connected to these reigns?

Why is the Mayor pointing to grime that the slaves are already cleaning? Is he commending them for doing a fine job?

The mayor raises his arm in greeting.  I pictured a Hitler salute for some reason. Impossible since its set in the 1800's.

Obediently, slave climbs out...   Do you mean: A slave climbs out?

Dancing girls entertain customers that seem to have lost their will to live.  Hard to film this. Specifically, how does one look that has lost their will to live? Whenever I'm around dancing girls I feel like living just wonderfully.

Page 2.

Carver orders a drink and flicks a coin across the bar? I hope the coin was to pay for his drink and this guy doesn't just throw coins randomly.

Carver nods at the doors.  He nods in the direction of the doors?

Dwight lashes the reigns back and forth across his horses midriff. Horses have midriffs that you can hit with reigns? I can't picture that. Maybe he used the reigns on the horses neck.

Page 3.

The horse gets shot and falls with an 'agonized whinny'. Isn't whinny a gentle happy thing that horses playfully do?

Everything blurs as Dwight comes around.  Was he knocked unconscious? You mentioned he hit his head on a rock,  but if you are coming around shouldn't things go from blur to clear?

Screams as blood sprays all over Isabel. Was she screaming or was it blake screaming,  or even Dwight?

Slaves take the horse and calm it down. Was the horse iritated for some reason? You mean they simply attended to the horse?

Your put a lot of detail into the race of the servents and slaves.  It seems overdone at this point.

Several raps at the door as he chugs it into life. How do you chug a door into life?

Page 5.

Smythe,  the English butler - is he black or white? I guess that part is not important.

Page 6.

William Forrsyth is a character name. He is also a real actor. Wouldn't it be great if William Forsyte played himself in this movie? Just a thought.

Good luck with the script.

Tony.







Revision History (1 edits)
TonyDionisio  -  February 16th, 2014, 3:32pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 40
NickSedario
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User





I can appreciate the amount of detail put into this script and at the same time I'm put off by the work it takes to plod through it.  In other words I feel you're asking a lot from your readers.  Hopefully the payoff in the end is worth the ride.

Just seems like you might want to apply the "less is more" rule.  But that's just my opinion.  I won't say much more until I read the entire script.  On a positive note the subject matter, and it being a period piece is a bold endeavor and tough to tackle.  Good luck with it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 2 - 40
Dustin
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5164
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from NickSedario


I can appreciate the amount of detail put into this script and at the same time I'm put off by the work it takes to plod through it.  In other words I feel you're asking a lot from your readers.  Hopefully the payoff in the end is worth the ride.

Just seems like you might want to apply the "less is more" rule.  But that's just my opinion.  I won't say much more until I read the entire script.  On a positive note the subject matter, and it being a period piece is a bold endeavor and tough to tackle.  Good luck with it.


Thanks, this is still an early draft... but I can't do any more work on it for a week or so while I touch up another script that has gotten some interest. So I was hoping for some reads... and perhaps some direction.

If people don't know about white slavery then this will be a good script to read.... it doesn't go into anything political, just tells a story against the backdrop of white and black slavery. How it was more class related than racial... although it certainly developed into something racial later on. It also touches upon the Indians too, and how they also had slaves. Especially the Cherokee.

I did a fair amount of research into this too, but it was fun to do... and I already knew the basics from the more militant black people I've spoken to, that believe this type of information (white slavery) is deliberately repressed so that whites (not all whites, just the rich ones) can maintain dominance.

At its heart though, this is a simple 'love lost, love found again' story. The rest is just there. I don't make any judgements myself.


Thanks for listing this so quickly, Don... much appreciated.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 40
J.S.
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
205
Posts Per Day
0.08
Dustin,

EXT. BARTER TOWN - DAY

Well, I have no idea what this is. I've never heard of a barter town before, and then the super indicates that it's, South Carolina. While I have no idea how much you know about the history of the United States, I know one thing: I ain't never heard of no barter town. And if you're not that well versed in US History of the 1800s you probably should not be writing about it. To some extent writers do have carte blanche when writing fiction and can do what they please, change things in history. But it wouldn't be wise to twist history so much that you render it unrecognizable.

"A large post, buried deep. Hanging from it by the neck,
facing the post and burned beyond all recognition, the body
of a young black boy."

I really have no idea how a boy could be lynched from a post. A fence post? This is so vague. And judging by the entire action line you're trying to paint a lynching of a black boy but you do not do it well. It really should all be one sentence to be honest, since its all one action line. I don't really see the reason why it's two sentences.

Why not try..... "A young black boy hangs by the neck from a (telephone pole/tree limb), burned beyond all recognition."

"Country music plays to a beat more jovial than the one
presented by the dingy decor."

Country music originated in the early 20th century. Just say saloon music and cut out the rest. It's not necessary.

"Caught him stealing some eggs from
a farm a couple miles out."

Really? That's hardly a reason to kill a slave. The killer would have to be a complete tool. Especially if it was the owner that did it. Was it the owner? That you state it was "a" farm suggests otherwise. And I don't get why some guy would kill some other guy's slave. That's like someone burns your car because it drove into his house all by itself.

If slaves ever stole food it was usually because the owner didn't feed them well enough. They'd get the shit whipped out of them for sure, but hardly would you kill a young slave. An old slave, I could see that. But a young one? Slaves cost money. They didn't come cheap. You wouldn't burn your car down just because it broke down on you. The logic of this is far fetched. Lynchings aren't taken as lightly as you depict them. Owners killing their own slaves, they probably needed a really good reason for it. I really can't buy the logic of this.

You say you've done some research about this, and while that may be true, it is clear to me that it hasn't been enough. I think it's best you write about what you know. I don't think you know enough about the history of the Antebellum Era to be writing about it.

-J.S.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 40
Dustin
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5164
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from J.S.
Dustin,

EXT. BARTER TOWN - DAY

Well, I have no idea what this is. I've never heard of a barter town before, and then the super indicates that it's, South Carolina. While I have no idea how much you know about the history of the United States, I know one thing: I ain't never heard of no barter town. And if you're not that well versed in US History of the 1800s you probably should not be writing about it. To some extent writers do have carte blanche when writing fiction and can do what they please, change things in history. But it wouldn't be wise to twist history so much that you render it unrecognizable.

"A large post, buried deep. Hanging from it by the neck,
facing the post and burned beyond all recognition, the body
of a young black boy."

I really have no idea how a boy could be lynched from a post. A fence post? This is so vague. And judging by the entire action line you're trying to paint a lynching of a black boy but you do not do it well. It really should all be one sentence to be honest, since its all one action line. I don't really see the reason why it's two sentences.

Why not try..... "A young black boy hangs by the neck from a (telephone pole/tree limb), burned beyond all recognition."

"Country music plays to a beat more jovial than the one
presented by the dingy decor."

Country music originated in the early 20th century. Just say saloon music and cut out the rest. It's not necessary.

"Caught him stealing some eggs from
a farm a couple miles out."

Really? That's hardly a reason to kill a slave. The killer would have to be a complete tool. Especially if it was the owner that did it. Was it the owner? That you state it was "a" farm suggests otherwise. And I don't get why some guy would kill some other guy's slave. That's like someone burns your car because it drove into your house all by itself.

If slaves ever stole food it was usually because the owner didn't feed them well enough. They'd get the shit whipped out of them for sure, but hardly would you kill a young slave. An old slave, I could see that. But a young one? Slaves cost money. They didn't come cheap. You wouldn't burn your car down just because it broke down on you. The logic of this is far fetched. Lynchings aren't taken as lightly as you depict them. Owners killing their own slaves, they probably needed a really good reason for it. I really can't buy the logic of this.

You say you've done some research about this, and while that may be true, it is clear to me that it hasn't been enough. I think it's best you write about what you know. I don't think you know enough about the history of the Antebellum Era to be writing about it.

-J.S.


It's a fictional town and people with factual events as a backdrop. There doesn't need to have ever been a barter town... aside from in Mad Max.

Nobody ever needed a good reason to kill a black slave back in those days... they were bred.... just as whites were too. Kill them for sport... who's going to stop you when it's the sheriff and mayor that's doing it? You have no idea so it's best you keep your ignorance to yourself... but thanks anyway.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 40
J.S.
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Posts
205
Posts Per Day
0.08
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/1dp3cb/

I enjoy being called ignorant by the ignorant.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 40
Forgive
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Let The Sky Fall

Location
Various, exotic.
Posts
1385
Posts Per Day
0.38
Hey Dustin - had to wonder where you where coming from with this - right back off the BAFTA's 'un all -- not that Ridley was going to win or anything, I don't think he's a great writer.

But almost on page three it seems like you're more comfortable with everything - you're off is off here, opening scene, it's like I'm finding it difficult to locate things in relation to each other: maybe a greater seperation's needed between the burnt boy and Carver coming in -- I'm just unsure if he's movng or anything, but from Sheriff's intro it feels like Carver's stationary? So I'm getting at a lack of clarity here for (not from) the opening. I'm not saying it doesn't come a second later or anything, but it needs to be immediate - so the way it reads, Carver could be next to the post (I'll fill in later...) - and this is all your opening image, which I think you can take a little time with.

I hope you don't get to distracted with minutiae: you passify 'servants' on the intro to Carver's mansion, which makes me feel your distraction is the subtext somewhat... even thougth I see what you doing here.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 40
TonyDionisio
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
Regular


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
New York
Posts
773
Posts Per Day
0.32

Quoted from Dustin


It can be easily filmed by showing that the post is not attached to the ground in any other way than crudely hammered into it. It's been set there to burn.

lacks clarity. If the post was set there to burn,  did it?

Beyond all recognition as to who he is... you can't burn something beyond all recognition in regards to its bone structure. Black and white have differences anatomically.

are you seriously suggesting that anatomical differences help an audience decipher what race a badly burned body is? Specifically, what are those differences exactly?  

Rhino's.

Is it really rhinos or are you playing? I guess it could be. You did the research so I'll trust you on that.

He's obviously just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole.

It's your screenplay. Nothing is obvious unless you acurately describe what is happening.



I know the reason.

Do tell.

No.



By ignoring the dancing girls, not caring what's going on around you. Easy to film that. I didn't say they had lost the will to live, it seems like they have from their obvious inactivity. Just out of interest, but how many films have you made? I imagine it's a lot with your expertise on what is and isn't able to be filmed.

You have a salon playing jovial contry music with booze and dancing girls and expect us to believe they are dancing to cutomers that seems to have lost their will to live? Do you really think that happens? Anywhere? My film career is not of any importance to your posting of your material for others to critique. I'm simply pointing out sentences that I believe are confusing. If helpful critique is too much for your ego to handle I would suggest posting in private forums.


Why would somebody order a drink and then randomly flick a coin across the bar? I really don't understand how you could be confused. Well... I do have an idea.

Help me to understand where the coin went? Did it flick over the bar and rudely land on the floor? Did it land nicely in the tenders hand? Did it go all the way across the bar and flick where someone else is sitting? If I'm confused reading your words how coukd it be anyones fault except your lack of clarity?  What is your idea about me? Tell me.  I can handle it.

Yes.



Reigns are long, it's plausible to hist a horse's midriff with reigns while riding.


You need to look up the definition of midriff.  It is a reference to humans and or persons.  It's confusing if used in reference to a horse. I tried to help you with that.

A whinny is just a noise a horse makes... doesn't necessarily have to be happy, especially when it's an agonised one.

Again you need to check the definition of whinny.  It is a neigh or a gentle sound. Nothing a horse would make after it gets shot. If a person gets shot would he hum a nice tune?

Telling that he is unconscious wouldn't be filmable. He hit his head on a rock... and when you come around after that you can be up and walking around but dazed for weeks or more. You've clearly never been knocked out.

You don't think a person landing on his head and appearing to be motionless and unconscious is filmable? Really? Ya,  I've woken up after surgery to that experience,  does that count?  

She's the only one in the shot. There's no voice over or mention that anyone else screams off screen. It is obviously her.Unless you're an idiot of course... luckily most producers aren't.

I'm not buying it. You wrote a scene with three people in it,  not just Isabelle. If the scene changed to just her you should tell us,  thus reducing the confusion. I mean,  earlier in the scene she had her eyes closed.  I'm assuming she opened her eyes after the horse gets shot a second time? I don't know her reasons,  you should be clearer. If you are implying that I am an i diot for helping you then why not just ignore what I say.?  

Horses get tired after carrying people around. Not only has the horse just chased down Dwight, but it has also ridden back with two passengers and dragging a third along. It would be tired and would need to be calmed, soothed.

You should explain this in your script. Wouldn't that be better for the readers?  

It is important information... that is why it is there.

Let the director decide what percentage of the plantation needs to be a certain color. Unless that certain character needs to be a certain color to move the story forward.

You've taken that out of context. Within context of the rest of the action block it makes sense.

How did I take it out of context? It is your sentence. YOU introduced another object and you should be clearer.

You're right.




He wouldn't be playing himself. He'd be playing a character that happened to have the same name... and not a very big part either.

He's perfect for the part.  I insist that William Forsythe plays William Forsythe.   

Ah, thanks mate... it's almost like you really mean it.


Sarcasm again? Why would I not mean for you to do well with your screenplay? I don't know you at all, aside from this board. Cheers,  mate!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 40
Leegion
Posted: February 16th, 2014, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Location
England
Posts
494
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hey Dustin,

I'll try to get a read on this.  I read the opening, here's somethings I think you got wrong in the opening two:

Reigns - it's meant for rule, man.  "They Reigned over the land for centuries", per se.  "Reins" is the word you're looking for here.

Burned beyond all recognition.  I get this part, but burned beyond all recognition also means "charred", which means the body would be black no matter if it were white.  I also think the opening line could be better worded:


Quoted Text
A large post, buried deep. Hanging from it by the neck,
facing the post and burned beyond all recognition, the body
of a young black boy


Perhaps, as a suggestion, cutting this down to:
A small boy's burned body hangs from a large post


Quoted Text
The carriage pulls to a halt outside a convenience store
where a pile of supplies are being set by more black Slaves.
The white STORE OWNER looks on, making sure they arenít
breaking anything or, worse, stealing it


In the bold segment, and underlined.  No need for the bold part at all.  You could merely say:

"The STORE OWNER looms over them with hawk eyes" or something, as in he's keeping a practiced eye on them.

I'll have a read of this shortly, but those are some of my early suggestions.  If you've read any of my reviews, you'll know I go into immense detail on my notes.

-Lee

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 40
Dustin
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 2:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5164
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from J.S.
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskHistorians/comments/1dp3cb/

I enjoy being called ignorant by the ignorant.


I already knew the prices slaves were sold for. This one was never sold... didn't cost a thing, because he was bred in the US. His poor old momma was popping out one every year. Not all of them black either. Any babies born to a slave were automatically the property of the owner. Owners by the way, where a few hundred dollars don't mean a thing. 12k to some people is like $12 to others. There are people that would place 20k bets on a roulette table and genuinely not care if they win or lose... in fact, they generally play to lose. It's entertainment... just like burning a little black boy to death against a post was.

That's not in the script by the way. Although it does touch upon breeding. This is also a fictional circumstance. I'm not saying it actually happened... but it has happened in this story.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 40
Dustin
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 2:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5164
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from Forgive
Hey Dustin - had to wonder where you where coming from with this - right back off the BAFTA's 'un all -- not that Ridley was going to win or anything, I don't think he's a great writer.

But almost on page three it seems like you're more comfortable with everything - you're off is off here, opening scene, it's like I'm finding it difficult to locate things in relation to each other: maybe a greater seperation's needed between the burnt boy and Carver coming in -- I'm just unsure if he's movng or anything, but from Sheriff's intro it feels like Carver's stationary? So I'm getting at a lack of clarity here for (not from) the opening. I'm not saying it doesn't come a second later or anything, but it needs to be immediate - so the way it reads, Carver could be next to the post (I'll fill in later...) - and this is all your opening image, which I think you can take a little time with.

I hope you don't get to distracted with minutiae: you passify 'servants' on the intro to Carver's mansion, which makes me feel your distraction is the subtext somewhat... even thougth I see what you doing here.


To be honest mate, I got tired of hearing about black slavery and the resultant white guilt. So I thought I'd write about slavery as a whole while using white slaves as the subject matter. Lots of white Americans were taken as slaves to the Barbary coast after they lost the protection of the British navy. Mostly from merchant ships, this is despite America paying huge bribes. Coming inland was something they apparently did in England, although to be honest I suspect most of it was done by English pirates working for the King or Queen of the time. It was one way of disposing of our poor. Shanghaied wasn't reserved for employ to the navy, you could also be kidnapped and sold into slavery in Africa. Another thing out own Pirates would do is actually paint their faces black, because the black pirates were known to be more fierce fighters.

So I twisted things slightly and have the Barbary pirates come inland to the US... which could have happened.

It's important to show that the slaves on the carver ranch are mostly black and the servants are mostly white. I have to show that there were white slaves with black people as servants. In other words, there were some blacks with a higher status than the whites. This will be a subtle image when seen on screen. It is hammered home later in the script as Dwight becomes the property of a mulatto man, albeit briefly.

In regards to the opening image, this is an early draft, so a lot of stuff will get cleaned up and done better on another run through. I have to put work into an older script that now has an award-winning director attached, and his ideas are certainly helping make a better story.

My only issue with this story right now, I feel, is that the Protag doesn't get enough dialogue. He's active enough, lots of action scenes... but in terms of dialogue, I see it being pretty thin right now in comparison to the antagonist. I think that may be an issue.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 40
Dustin
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 4:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5164
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from Leegion
Hey Dustin,

I'll try to get a read on this.  I read the opening, here's somethings I think you got wrong in the opening two:

Reigns - it's meant for rule, man.  "They Reigned over the land for centuries", per se.  "Reins" is the word you're looking for here.

Burned beyond all recognition.  I get this part, but burned beyond all recognition also means "charred", which means the body would be black no matter if it were white.  I also think the opening line could be better worded:



Perhaps, as a suggestion, cutting this down to:
A small boy's burned body hangs from a large post



In the bold segment, and underlined.  No need for the bold part at all.  You could merely say:

"The STORE OWNER looms over them with hawk eyes" or something, as in he's keeping a practiced eye on them.

I'll have a read of this shortly, but those are some of my early suggestions.  If you've read any of my reviews, you'll know I go into immense detail on my notes.

-Lee



Ah man... reins... I've been doing that for ages. I've just had to do a search and replace in the script. Thanks. Some of those suggestions, aside from the hawk-eyes one, are very good. Cheers. However, to be honest they are things I will catch myself on the rewrites. If you could concentrate on story that would be great.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 40
ShahirZag
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 8:02am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Just joined today. First post, so please bear with me.

*SPOILERS*

First off, the notes I made as I was reading it.

Page 7.
"...and when they do eat, they eat slave." Nice.

Page 9.
"jujitsu-like" also Page 22. "...looking at Playboy." Why?

Page 12.
"I just do as Iím paid." Love this guy.

Page 14/15.
-"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded."
-"I'm..."
-"It is not your fault, Whitey."

I am just beginning to enjoy the conflict between these two characters. Pretty sure Dwight has seen some terrible things. He wouldn't be feeling sorry. He should continue to fuck with Rebel. The guy just said he was a warrior king, this should sound to Dwight like another tall tale. I wanted this exchange:

-"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded."
-"Whoa, you must've pissed off an entire town?"

Page 20.
I am Spartacus.

Page 22.
"That was confected. Clear as day." Why aren't more of them speaking like this?

Page 24. Posse!

Page 26.
Why would the Sheriff shoot a free man? Bandit or not. Just ride away and leave Yellow Tooth to the buzzards.

Page 31. Pirates!

Page 35. Injuns!

Page 42.
Sheriff shoots another man without provocation. What's wrong with this guy? Just steal the damn horse.

Page 54.
I'm struggling now. Too much Carver and Isabelle. Not enough Dwight and the high seas. It's slowing the story down a lot for me.

Page 65.
More Carver. Akecheta gets shot twice in a few pages. Doofus.

Page 68.
Can't Dwight and Rebel be in line to be castrated? Put them in a bit of peril as they watch Josiah lose his manhood. Maybe they are spared the harem duties because Dwight has interesting knowledge about working the tobacco fields. Or maybe Rebel is recognized by a palace guard.

Page 75.
Carver again? Dwight faces so many antagonists throughout, it just seems a little wearisome to keep Carver 'on ice' as it were, to deal with when he returns to the New World.

Page 81.
Abdullah knows what the word 'Rebel' means?

Page 83.
No. You killed Blake.

Page 86.
Dwight should have been walled up and left for dead. Rebel should save him. Cementing their bond.

Page 99./100.
The protag and the antag in the final face-off. Two grown men are talking about their Daddies?

Page 102.
Dwight is the Mayor?


STORY:
I enjoy genre mashing and this is as ambitious as they come. Historical drama meets Wild West meets swashbuckling pirates. I think the Wild West bit is unnecessary and is laden with too much exposition and boring characters. The protag and his buddy are on their way to a destiny untold with mayhem and murder onboard a slaver vessel and we keep cutting back to a white guy and an Indian guy who want to bed Isabelle. Who cares? The whole subplot has neither excitement nor humor. Lose that and you've got a dark and gritty period adventure with lots of perilous fun.


CHARACTERS:
DWIGHT has no real arc. A lot of stuff happens to him but he remains unchanged. He learns nothing. Start him off as a bit of an aloof asshole or a little racist to Rebel and in the end when he's the leader of a band of pirates and slaves, it will pay off nicely. Throughout, I wanted him to be more. Also Dwight is never in any real danger. We never really fear for him. REBEL, well, what's not to like. The man fights dogs with his bare hands and is also a king. CARVER, dullsville. VILLAINS get their comeuppance too readily and too conveniently. Of the rest, I liked Blake.


PROBLEMS:
When the pirates attack, onboard the ship and in Algiers, we see a lot of the story through the ex-slavers' eyes. A lot happens to them and they have a lot of lines. Make all of that secondary to what happens to Dwight and Rebel and their dialogue.


CONCLUSION:
Easy to read, lots of entertainment value but a very uneven Plot B.


Hope this helps,
Zag
Logged
e-mail Reply: 13 - 40
Dustin
Posted: February 17th, 2014, 9:21am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5164
Posts Per Day
2.12

Quoted from ShahirZag
Just joined today. First post, so please bear with me.

*SPOILERS*

First off, the notes I made as I was reading it.

Page 7.
"...and when they do eat, they eat slave." Nice.

Page 9.
"jujitsu-like" also Page 22. "...looking at Playboy." Why?

Page 12.
"I just do as Iím paid." Love this guy.

Page 14/15.
-"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded."
-"I'm..."
-"It is not your fault, Whitey."

I am just beginning to enjoy the conflict between these two characters. Pretty sure Dwight has seen some terrible things. He wouldn't be feeling sorry. He should continue to fuck with Rebel. The guy just said he was a warrior king, this should sound to Dwight like another tall tale. I wanted this exchange:

-"She was taken in front of me by a hundred men, then beheaded."
-"Whoa, you must've pissed off an entire town?"

Page 20.
I am Spartacus.

Page 22.
"That was confected. Clear as day." Why aren't more of them speaking like this?

Page 24. Posse!

Page 26.
Why would the Sheriff shoot a free man? Bandit or not. Just ride away and leave Yellow Tooth to the buzzards.

Page 31. Pirates!

Page 35. Injuns!

Page 42.
Sheriff shoots another man without provocation. What's wrong with this guy? Just steal the damn horse.

Page 54.
I'm struggling now. Too much Carver and Isabelle. Not enough Dwight and the high seas. It's slowing the story down a lot for me.

Page 65.
More Carver. Akecheta gets shot twice in a few pages. Doofus.

Page 68.
Can't Dwight and Rebel be in line to be castrated? Put them in a bit of peril as they watch Josiah lose his manhood. Maybe they are spared the harem duties because Dwight has interesting knowledge about working the tobacco fields. Or maybe Rebel is recognized by a palace guard.

Page 75.
Carver again? Dwight faces so many antagonists throughout, it just seems a little wearisome to keep Carver 'on ice' as it were, to deal with when he returns to the New World.

Page 81.
Abdullah knows what the word 'Rebel' means?

Page 83.
No. You killed Blake.

Page 86.
Dwight should have been walled up and left for dead. Rebel should save him. Cementing their bond.

Page 99./100.
The protag and the antag in the final face-off. Two grown men are talking about their Daddies?

Page 102.
Dwight is the Mayor?


STORY:
I enjoy genre mashing and this is as ambitious as they come. Historical drama meets Wild West meets swashbuckling pirates. I think the Wild West bit is unnecessary and is laden with too much exposition and boring characters. The protag and his buddy are on their way to a destiny untold with mayhem and murder onboard a slaver vessel and we keep cutting back to a white guy and an Indian guy who want to bed Isabelle. Who cares? The whole subplot has neither excitement nor humor. Lose that and you've got a dark and gritty period adventure with lots of perilous fun.


CHARACTERS:
DWIGHT has no real arc. A lot of stuff happens to him but he remains unchanged. He learns nothing. Start him off as a bit of an aloof asshole or a little racist to Rebel and in the end when he's the leader of a band of pirates and slaves, it will pay off nicely. Throughout, I wanted him to be more. Also Dwight is never in any real danger. We never really fear for him. REBEL, well, what's not to like. The man fights dogs with his bare hands and is also a king. CARVER, dullsville. VILLAINS get their comeuppance too readily and too conveniently. Of the rest, I liked Blake.


PROBLEMS:
When the pirates attack, onboard the ship and in Algiers, we see a lot of the story through the ex-slavers' eyes. A lot happens to them and they have a lot of lines. Make all of that secondary to what happens to Dwight and Rebel and their dialogue.


CONCLUSION:
Easy to read, lots of entertainment value but a very uneven Plot B.


Hope this helps,
Zag


That is amazing. Just what this script needed.

This is at the stage after vomit draft at the moment... in the vomit draft everybody went to Africa. Carver got his own boat and travelled there too as Isabelle was taken by mistake.

It would be a shame not to have the Indians in it to some degree as they kept slaves too.

OK, I may make the whole second and third acts about the journey in Africa. The thing with the western part is to trick the viewer, get them into the wild west thing then hit them with the high seas and Barbary pirates just when they get comfortable. But I get that the switching back and forth is irritating when there's all the excitement of the Barbary coast to explore.

I think Carver will have to follow them to Africa for some reason. I like the idea of a man o' war showdown at the end, followed by a boarding and sword fight, etc. So, I'll probably do that when I can get back to this script. Should just be a couple of days.

Much thanks for the review. Exactly what I needed. If I can return the favour please let me know.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 40
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006