The Doll by Chris Shamburger (Sham) - Short, Horror - Some presents don't like to be wrapped. 4 pages - pdf, format

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'The Doll' Short Film from Atomic Feist Productions on Vimeo.

Hey Chris,

CAITLIN is said college girl. Is "said" supposed to be "sad?"

Nice spook factor. Man I hate dolls and now I have another reason to dislike them even more. lol.

I can easily see this being filmed. One actor, zero dialogue. Nicely done on your part.

- Dirk

Yeah, I'm gonna have to sleep with the lights on tonight.  DV caught the typos,  Not much else to say.  Good job, nice twist.

Hey Chris.

Great job with this one.  The writing was visual and compelling without the need for dialogue.

The only suggestion I would make would be to exclude the ghost itself.  By that I mean not showing the hand and face.  There's nothing wrong with the way it's written as is but one theory I have about horror is that the thing that scares us the most are our own imaginations and the things we can't see.

After the doll goes flying across the room and Caitlin sees the condition of the doll, I would include a dragging of the scissors.  You may need to include Caitlin seeing where the scissors are during the night before the doll disappears and then show that it's missing after the sound.  Again, just my opinion.

In either case, great job.

Johnny

Chris, I read this as soon as it was posted. I love a good horror/doll story, and I wondered if you were inspired by a current member's avatar ala 'Trilogy of Terror.'

Onto the story, the beginning of this and the build up is terrific, but the ending fell a little flat imh. Perhaps I missed something - it was afterall first thing in the morning for me? Anyway, I'm going to give it another read shortly and will get back to you with more.

Okay, re-read it. I think this is good (you do these horror micro shorts really well) but I'm going to agree with Ren that I think this would be more effective if the 'college girl' was in fact a youngish girl, otherwise it seems to me to be a rather convoluted way of effecting change with something that's haunting someone.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Unless I've got this completely wrong it also occurs to me that your logline (even if a misdirect) is what actually lead me down the (perhaps blonde and incorrect path) that this was a simple 'Chucky' type doll villain when in fact the doll is used as a conduit to the ghost. That's quite effective in itself but I think the logline needs to change - I'd just make it more scarily abstract, if that makes sense. And, like I said have the girl be aged about 7 years of age.

Regardless of the above crit., another that should get picked up I reckon. Good job.

Quoted from RegularJohn The only suggestion I would make would be to exclude the ghost itself.  By that I mean not showing the hand and face.  There's nothing wrong with the way it's written as is but one theory I have about horror is that the thing that scares us the most are our own imaginations and the things we can't see.

I agree. Just end it with the name tag. It's much better that way.

I'm with RJ and Demento on this. It may work out better on film than script. But I'm with the idea not seeing what's under the bed would be far more effective.

I quite liked the script. Only gripe was the sound effects. Some of the words chosen were weird IMH. Kreet? Other than that I rather enjoyed it. Got a lot done in just two pages.

R

I just had another thought about it after I reread it. It would be better if the girl was younger. As it stands she's a college girl. I'm sure you've your reasons for picking that age but if she was 12 or under this would work much better.

One last thought. For the final bit having the bed skirt rustle as is the're movement under there from someone unseen might work best.

Right, I'm off to get get my coat and get out more.

R

Chris,

Hope you're around and respond.

That said, I liked this a lot.  The writing was very good, descriptive but not over done.  You set us up well and it paid off, IMO.

Some have said here that the story should have ended with just the name tag.  I disagree.  I think the girl under the bed, her ghost white hand and scowling face was a great visual!  It upped the creep factor for me, no doubt about it.

Overall, very good.  And I'll say it again: very good writing.

Quoted from Libby I love a good horror/doll story, and I wondered if you were inspired by a current member's avatar ala 'Trilogy of Terror.'

That's possible.  However, on AB's thread, I believe, is a neat little short with a girl under the bed.  Perhaps that was an inspiration as well.

Steve

DV44 - Thanks for your feedback. Yes, that's supposed to say "said" in the description of Caitlin. The exact text reads: "A college girl's customary living space. Caitlin is said college girl." The room describes the character, and vice versa.

Silverback - Haha, thanks!

RegularJohn - Thanks for your wonderful comments. This was a personal challenge to see if I could write something without dialogue. Showing the girl under the bed is definitely going to hit with some and miss with others. I probably won't change it myself, but should the script get picked up, which is of course my ultimate goal, I'll definitely leave it up to the filmmakers.

LC - Thanks for giving this one several looks. You're right; the title and logline are both misdirection. I was originally going to call this "The Offering," but figured that might give too much away. The reason I chose to make the main character a college-aged girl is simply for filming purposes. The chances of this getting produced (and done well) would be fewer had I made the entire story center on a young girl. Again, should this get picked up, they could cast either and I wouldn't interfere or be disappointed.

Demento - Thanks for your comment. Like I said to RegularJohn, I'm leaving it as it is for now, but should the script get picked up, I'll let the filmmakers decide what they want to do and how much they want to show.

rendevous - Thanks a bunch for reading! I figured I'd get at least one comment about those sound effects. I wanted to do something different than just "CRINKLE CRINKLE" because all I imagined when I heard that was Santa Claus for some reason. If you've got something better, or anyone else for that matter, I'm open to changing it!

StevenClark - This short was inspired by the simple fact I wanted to write something about a doll for the longest time. I had been working on a "found footage killer doll" script for a while called Toy Horror Story, but ultimately decided to shelve it when I couldn't figure out a way to justify the camera rolling when the shit hit the fan. I also had a personal challenge I wanted to endeavor which was writing a script with no dialogue. I put the two together, and this is the script that came of it.

Hey Sham

I do like your scripts and this has a very familiar feel.

The simple location, childhood fear, base emotion etc. Do you have bad dreams?

This has a good premise but I feel the execution could do with a tweak. Hiccups and Cooked were a little more rounded.

I would suggest;

# a little more build up - eg returns from the shop, a special purchase which she unwraps, then re-wraps - we see intent

# a few other sounds eg coughing could add to the foreshadow

# at its heart this is a scared of the dark type script - visuals on lights, eg she sleeps with the lights on would add. A young adult locked in the past.

This could be another very effective Sham script.

Cheers

This one is pretty cool, but I think the girl is too old.  This girl could easily be younger, and for me, I would recommend that.  Or maybe even make it a young boy, turning this scenario even further on its ear.

Your sound effects aren't working for me.  Schrink?  Kreet?  That does not sound like paper to me.  Please note, I have no problem with inventing your own sound-effect words.  I do it myself.  But yours do not seem to be imparting the correct sounds at all.  Just saying.

Apart from that, I've got nothing else.  At three pages, this works great.  Maybe you could shrink this by cutting a few sentences somewhere so it fits cleanly onto two pages instead of that annoying minimal remainder on your third page?  I hate it when that happens on mine haha.

Simple and effective.  Nice misdirection with the doll -- the payoff with the gift-tag works well, could serve as a genuinely chilling moment on camera.

Couple of thoughts: was surprised at Caitlin’s age -- would this be more effective if Caitlin were younger?  I wondered if the intention was to suggest that this situation had been playing out for a long time with this poor girl finally at her wits end -- that could certainly add to the story, though would need to be shown somehow.

Do we need to see the scowling face?  The ghost-white hand coming out from beneath the bed could be enough -- keep a degree of subtlety to the horror.  

Good stuff for the page count.  Hope you get some interest in this.

Steve.  

Hey Sham -

I know we've chatted on this one briefly, but just to put in more detail.

As others have mentioned, a very effective little piece.  (And simliar thematically to Hiccups.)  Personally, I have no problems with the sound effects - they work fine for me.  I would agree with others that this would be even more effective if the girl was younger.  After all, a college girl has more options and defenses.  She can leave.  Have the place turned upside down by her friends, etc.  A little girl is more likely to be blown off by the adults she tells and have no other option.

Re: the ending.  I'm right in the middle on that.  I definitely feel *something* should be shown.  But perhaps the hand is enough, without the face.  Leave some of it to the imagination!  

Cheers in general -

Great job!

--Janet (Wonka)

Reef Dreamer - As Stephen King would say, thanks for being a constant reader! I was slightly inspired (or at least motivated) to write this after watching a short film on YouTube called "Lights Out" (watch here). I liked that the entire thing took place in just a couple minutes in one location with one character and no dialogue. I wanted to write something tonally similar, but with different subject matter. I think I'd be tipping my hand if I were to add in someone coughing or anything similar to that. But I agree, it's not as well-rounded as I want it to be, and I'm working on that.

bert - Thanks for reading. Sorry you didn't like the sound effects I came up with. I was hoping you might be able to help in thinking of something I could write in place of them. I agree about trimming it to fit on two pages. I'll look it over and try to squeeze it together.

stevemiles - I'm starting to accept that the girl needs to be younger. I'm pretty sure I'm going to change it at this point. LC mentioned earlier that the offering of the doll seemed too juvenile an attempt to be coming from someone in their twenties, and it would be much more appropriate a response coming from a girl in elementary school. I certainly agree with that.

wonkavite - Thanks for being my first reader! It's definitely similar to Hiccups, and I almost didn't write it because it was another "under the bed" horror story. But then I thought, hell, if I think of another "under the bed" story after this one, I'll write it anyway and just call it a trilogy. LOL I'm thinking I'll go back and change the ending to just a hand, but it's really totally up to the filmmakers if anyone decides to pick this up.