Only God Forgives by Alex Garcia - Short, Thriller - When a teenagers lover commits suicide, he finds revenge that will chase he forever. 17 pages - pdf, format

Sorry to point out the obvious, but this script is in serious need of an original title.

If you actually read the script, you would realize that it's relevant.

Quoted from Cosmo If you actually read the script, you would realize that it's relevant.

Not trying to be a jerk, but you might wanna read a few scripts yourself and get a better grip on how to write one.  For example:  Always start out with FADE IN:  (left hand side) Get rid of the CONTINUEDS (waste of space) Title card should be SUPER:  or at least TITLE CARD:  Get rid of camera directions such as "dolly backwards", lose the "we see's" break up those big blocks of prose and dialogue to 2-4 iines per paragraph, and write in present tense only.  

Until you work out the kinks you'll probably have a hard time getting anyone to read it.   There are some instances of good writing here, but they're far and few between.   Needs a rewrite.  And as I said before -- an original title.  I'll provide a few examples on how to fix this if you like.

Hey Zander, Caleb's right about the title.  A day or two ago, when I was on the portal, I clicked on this thread at first thinking it was a movie review for Only God Forgives, starring Ryan Gosling.  You're really better off coming up with a different title.  Right now, it's way too close to, uh, Only God Forgives.  Yeah, maybe the title is relevant to your story, but it's already been taken and it's pretty well known.  As for your script, Caleb is on the money about a lot of things, but it looks like all of that stuff really runs rampant mainly on your first page.  I read past the first page and your action lines do slim down a lot, but your main problem here is dialogue.  It's OTN to the point of cringing.  You have a semi opening grabber, but I feel the camera directions, the dialogue, and the rest that follows, does not hold up.

It is true that the title is taken but I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I've seen multiple movies with the same title as others. Caleb, I actually would like if you could give me some thoughts on the title.

Other than that, I do say: Title card in the script just not on all caps. If that's why you think it's wrong it's not that big of a deal.

Also the FADE IN is missing, but that's an easy fix. CONTENTIOUS, I've seen in scripts with it, it's actually not a waste of space, it's needed to tell the reader that whatever action is happening is following to the next location.

Also, dolly, I get why you'd want that camera shot out because of how scripts aren't really supposed to have that but this was written to shoot. I was hoping I could get some feedback on the story it self or how the characters act/talk.

I'm actually surprised you guys haven't pointed out the spelling errors that I've noticed... like doges...

ANYWAYS present tense in writing, yes, I always fuck that up. Also breaking up dialogue would be nice. I'll do that when I rewrite it.

deadite, what do you mean by it runs rampant? Like gets confusing?

I have never started a script with FADE IN and no one (agents, producers, managers, etc) has ever mentioned it.  It's not important and no one has ever been able to make the case for why it is.

Edit: I'll read your script tomorrow. Off to bed.

Hahaha sounds good xD

Quoted from Cosmo It is true that the title is taken but I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I've seen multiple movies with the same title as others.

It's only a big deal because certain folks make it one.  Titles cannot be copyrighted ... period.  Now if you want to try and come up with other options that's on you, but -- in the end, if you feel like your current title is best for your script, then keep it.

Okay, back to ghosting...

Ghostie

Quoted from Ghostie Okay, back to ghosting...

Is that a euphemism?

I think the problem with this title is it's too soon after quite a well known film. In a few years it won't matter. But right now it does.

As for the Fade In business - it's just customary. Or at least it used to be. Few pro scripts bother these days.

R

Alex, for these guys to encourage you not to use FADE IN: and keep the used title (which by the way was one of the crappiest movies of all-time) is just fltaout bad advice, IMO.

You're an unsigned writer.  It's best to play by the rules (industry standard) as well as be 100% original.  

But hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion.  Good or bad.

If nothing else drop the "only" and call it "God Forgives".  Problem solved.

Btw, here's a "quick example" of how I'd handle the the first scene.


FADE IN:

EXT.  WOODS - DUSK

A YOUNG MAN (17) face mostly hidden by a hoodie, finishes digging a grave, then rolls a CORPSE wrapped in a white sheet, into the hole.

He draws a cross over his heart in silent prayer, then heaves dirt into the hole.

The sound of a GROAN.   The Young Man sees movement under the sheet.

He panics and repeatedly hacks at the body until the white sheet is completely bloodsoaked.  

He finally ceases his assault, then waits and watches for any further signs of life.   Whatever it is under the sheet is now dead as a doornail.

The Young Man drops to his knees exhausted and sobs.

                                                  YOUNG MAN
                                                (whimpers)
                                        God forgive me.

(Something like that)  Best of luck with it.

I haven't read the script but I'll chime in on the title thing.

I DO think you need to change it. It might make sense, It might be very fitting but it's got to go. It's just not productive to create associations in people's head before they have even read the script. Plus it's a very obvious thing, that people will cling on to and constantly nag you about. You don't want to come off as unoriginal right of the bat and with a title like that you do.

Quoted from CalebHart Alex, for these guys to encourage you not to use FADE IN: and keep the used title (which by the way was one of the crappiest movies of all-time) is just fltaout bad advice, IMO. You're an unsigned writer.  It's best to play by the rules (industry standard) as well as be 100% original.   But hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion.  Good or bad. If nothing else drop the "only" and call it "God Forgives".  Problem solved.

Sigh.

He should change his title; no doubt.  Yes, there are movies that use the same title, but this is far too specific of a title to use (and much too recent).

As for FADE IN, it's not worth arguing.  Put it or don't put it.  But don't act like anyone has ever closed a script because they didn't see FADE IN at the top.  It's never happened and it never will.

Quoted from Dressel As for FADE IN, it's not worth arguing.  Put it or don't put it.  But don't act like anyone has ever closed a script because they didn't see FADE IN at the top.  It's never happened and it never will.

I agree. It's a trivial thing. Preference. I think it's gonna get dropped eventually. If "continued" is a waste of space, why waste a line on "Fade in", when it's understood? If someone leaves it out, I don't think it comes off unprofessional or is a deal breaker.

To Fade In or not to Fade In?

It's a red flag when you don't have it, properly left aligned.  You get enough red flags waving at you, the script gets closed.

Funny here, because there is a fade in, it's just not done correctly, so I'm confused why anyone would even argue about using it correctly.

But obviously, the lack of a correct Fade In is the least of this script's problems.  2 big mistakes in the logline alone, a title already associated with a fairly recent movie, an incorrectly formatted SUPER with a typo (lack of space after the dash), "We then hear", followed by "We then fade in to..."

All problems and all easy enough to stop right there, but we're then treated to a 9 line passage beginning with "A dolly backwards..." that doesn't even attempt to be an actual sentence.  WAY TOO MANY MISTAKES out of the gate.

Oh, BTW, the "(CONTINUED)" and "CONTINUED:" on the tops and bottoms of every page are indeed a big mistake, as they serve only 2 purposes - to waste lines and to irritate readers.

Zander, I don't mean this to be harsh or mean spirited, but I am very serious in everything I just said.  It's great that you chimed in, as many don't.  Now, read some scripts by the peeps that have chimed in to help you. See if you can take anything you see in their scripts that will help you as a writer.  Read closely and take it all in.

Then, jump back to your script and see if you don't understand a little bit more about what's wrong here...and how to make it right.

Hope this helps.