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Fulphiled by Phillip Drees (PhilyD) - Series, Comedy, SitCom - One man's midlife crisis turns into a search for something more, but he takes shortcuts and the results aren't what he expects. 40 pages - pdf, format
Thanks for posting! This is my first piece of work, so be gentle. I did put camera direction in a few scenes, so if I could get some feedback on better ways to format those scenes properly it would be much appreciated. Then you can rip me apart on everything else.
Writing looks pretty good. I'll take a look at the whole thing when I get A good block of time. You asked the question "what to do with camera direction"? On page one you have: Camera goes to long line of employees...
You can simply put: A long line of employees... drop camera.
Page2. Camera goes to Karen. One way you can do this is: ON Karen trying to control three boys. You can also use ANGLE ON Karen. Some may say to avoid these as well or as much as possible. Depends who's reading. But you really want to avoid using the word camera in your script. Or: Karen tries to control three boys.
Also, you want to try and avoid the ing's. P5 you have: JT is running to Phil. Instead, you can say: JT runs to Phil. Want it to be as present and active as possible.
Hope this is somewhat helpful. Like I said, I'll give this a full read in the next few days.
Awesome! This is the first time anybody else has given it a read, so thanks for the feedback. I've been reading a lot about not using camera direction, so the feedback on that is much appreciated.
No prob. I'm not a seasoned vet or anything. I'm constantly making mistakes and learning. Overall you seem to a have a good grasp on screenwriting and what you want to do. Any advice I could give would be read as many comedy sitcom scripts as you can. I think they are in their own world "so to speak" in terms of structure/format. But you should be able to pick up on all the little stuff pretty quick.
I do have another question I was concerned with. Did you read the titled as fulfilled but spelled fulphiled? I've been thinking of putting a hyphen in it so it would read "Ful-Philed. I was worried about people reading the title wrong.
Read the first twelve of this....One question I have is ...what sort of audience are you shooting for? If it's prime time, you may want to cut down on some of the f-bombs and cussing.
Also this dialogue KAREN I can’t fucking do it! ...Can Phil and JT hear her say this? I felt like they were watching from afar but then it seems like she's answering them. I think the camera directing is confusing this piece more than it should. I'd suggest removing them.
Like the switcheroo when the nerd guy is happy and crying and then gets a toilet cleaning award! I laughed out loud.
The dialogue in this thing needs work.
So it goes from the ranch company thing to his dead mother at the funeral parlor. I'm starting to get tired ...and then this...
Phil is trapped while his aunts are holding him. One starts dry humping his leg and the other one starts licking his face.
Oh so it was just a dream but he wakes up with his dogs humping him in the bed?
And then the next several pages of dialogue seem back and forth: the whole interview thing.
You have some good stuff in here. I'm just wondering after reading 12 pages, what is this thing about? I mean what is the core concept. Maybe I won't know until reading the whole 40 pages??
IF this is your first piece of work....outstanding! I wish I wrote this well on my first script! Awesome job for first time! Keep working at it.
Pale, thanks for reading, and giving me some feedback. OK, to answer your question. I did attend it to be on cable/or web, but I have thought about cutting back on the curse words.
I pictured Karen saying that to herself, like giving up. Do I need to put more description you think? I said in the post at the top that I needed some advice on the camera issue on the first scene, so yeah, it sounds like it definitely needs work.
So you didn't get any transformation of Phil through the first 12 pages? He's pretty much coming to realization his life is passing by, and work is all he does. Well, shoot, back to the drawing board.
I hope you can give it a little further read. I think it will make more sense, but if nothing is getting through in the first 12, then I need to re-think some things.
Hey Rendevous, thanks for giving it a quick look, and yes I did mean intend.
I've been very carful with description, and maybe too careful. My knowledge on writing scripts has come from internet surfing and youtube videos, and it seems like everything I have read or watched talked about not going overboard with description. I guess that's why writing is a tricky craft. I have so much to learn! I'll give some of your scripts a look.
First, congratulations on completing a script, and for laying it out there for everyone and asking for help. It's a very brave thing to do. The arts in general are full of rejection - even the best of the best hear the word "no" several times a day. So remember that, and keep seeking out sources that will help you improve your craft.
To build on what Ren said, there is definitely more telling than showing. As the writer, you need to "see" every image of this in your head - how it will appear on film - and then write what you see. The director may end up interpreting it differently (almost a certainty), however you need to put the images inside the reader's, and then eventually the director's, head, so that we see what you see. This is what distinguishes action lines in a screenplay from prose in a novel.
For example, you have as your opening:
EXT. RANCH-COMPANY PICNIC- DAY
This slug is incorrect - a "company picnic" is not a location. So it should read:
EXT. RANCH - DAY
If you want to be more descriptive about the type of ranch, you can - a dude ranch? A gentleman's farm? A city park? Put the image in our heads.
"It’s the annual company picnic for “Snack&Gas”. A fortune 100 gas station company. It’s held at “Rebel’s Ranch” on a beautiful midwestern summer day. About 300-400 people show up to this event every year."
This is all telling. How do you convey that it is a picnic for a Fortune 100 gas station company. Think visually. You can cut back and forth between shots of the picnic and shots of corporate - that will show that corporate has money, and that we are now at their picnic.
EXT. GLASS BUILDING - DAY
A "brass and glass" structure with a large ornate sign on the lawn that reads SNACK & GAS.
INT. BUILDING LOBBY - DAY
On the wall hangs a sign which reads SNACK & GAS - FORTUNE 100 COMPANY 2014.
EXT. RANCH - DAY
A large wooden sign reads REBEL'S RANCH.
ESTABLISHING SHOT
Four hundred ants in the form of people roam the open grassy area, alive with carnival activities. (this will tell your reader and your director to imagine the shot from above, without saying "an aerial shot.")
As for "various picnic activities", this is the writer's job to tell us what is going on. In other words, describe every shot, because it's going to take up much more screen time than the 3 words you use. Plus, what if someone in a remote European hillside has never been to an American picnic?
Say things like "two children shoot a water gun into a clown's mouth", "a father gets wrapped up in his daughter's sticky cotton candy", "a couple screams while on a tilt a whirl", etc. And then describe to us what your protagonists are doing. The first thing they DO, not the first thing they SAY, it a perfect opportunity for us to learn about them. Remember the opening of FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH? Copy from Cameron Crowe, one of the best - each of the characters we were going to meet DID something first, to reveal their personality. Rat was nervous, Damone was confident, Stacy was fidgety, Linda was bored, Brad was cocky, etc.
This will get you well beyond a quarter of the first page, which it should, since a quarter of the page times out as 15 seconds of screen time. Don't be afraid to describe things visually and use less dialogue if possible.
Ajr, that was very helpful. Taking my scene and breaking it down to a visual aspect made me really understand the difference between showing and not telling. It's like you showed me how to fix it instead of telling me.
Thanks again everyone for the tips. I really did learn a lot. I've only been writing for about the 3 months and this feedback is the entire reason I wanted to post my script.
Thanks again to everybody. You'll see a updated one for sure.
Hey Phil, as promised, I just got done reading your Pilot. Looks like you got a lot of helpful advice so far, so won't go to far into the technical stuff. Show don't tell. Slugs/headers. I'll try to focus more on story, characters, scenes etc...
I'll warn you, I don't have experience with comedy sit coms and have never written a comedy script. I think it's one of the most difficult genres to pursue. So of course take all of this with a grain of salt.
Overall, really nice job. Especially this being your first script. There's some truly funny stuff here and it has a lot of heart.
Right away I like Phil. He was a character that was easy to connect to for me. I think the picnic scene did a fair job of setting up his character and his relationship to J.T. Thought the scene with Sam and joey was really funny. I really like Sam's character. I think in terms of comedy this character was your strongest. He was subtle and unassuming. And for some reason could really picture him. A little like Micheal in the office but more of a self absorbed butt head. The problem I had was with the jumping around. You kind of do this a lot throughout and makes things a bit confusing. I have a hard time picturing exactly where I am.
Maybe you could set the first scene up a bit more. Give the reader a sense of what this ranch, company picnic looks like. There's a barn - a a food station - a stage with speakers and a mic - the outside of the ranch where Phil is helping a girl play softball. Where is all this stuff? maybe give some visual barring and that might help with the camera stuff. Instead of camera goes to Karen - Karen stands at the picnic table.
It did feel strange jumping from the picnic to the funeral. In some ways it all felt just a bit rushed. I would like to have an understanding of what his relationship was with his mom. It just felt a little forced in there.
The scene with Phil in the car crying, watching the couple, I didn't really get. i would think he would have some Idea why he was crying. Mom just died. Stuck in a 70 hr a week job that he doesn't like. Phil gives the impression of being emotionally intelligent. He cares about people. Helps. Watches people. Maybe if there was more of an arc. Phil starts out a bit repressed. A bit shy, introverted. Doesn't have to be much. But, too me, Phil comes off as someone that is very outgoing and comfortable in his own skin. Loveable. Maybe if there was more contrast some of these scene would make more sense.
I thought the bathroom scene with Joey, Sam and Phil was well done. Very funny.
The intro to Tyler, Grant was a little over the top especially when the belt comes off. I do like the characters though. But I think their's a tendency for two things: Staying in a scene to long, having too much fun with the dialogue. I think you could cut this scene by at least a page. And others. and the other is to throw in something and try to force a funny moment. I think your genuinely funny moments are situational. Like the bathroom scene or Sam giving the award to Joey. Really funny stuff. Don't get me wrong, I like these guys.
I also didn't think the scene served much of a purpose. And I don't know why Phil would come to these guys to tell them something that he's really struggling with. Feels a little forced.
Think the little flashback with the cops is not needed.
I do like the end where he gives the girl his car. It feels real. Like something Phil would actually do. But there wasn't really a change or arc for me. I feel he would have done this right in the beginning. Or maybe it's not the first time.
I do really like these characters and where your trying to take this. I wouldn't worry too much about all the technical stuff right now. Just focus on the characters and Phil. Ask does this feel real or forced. Does this serve a purpose or I am working to hard just to get a laugh.
You obviously have natural talent for comedy writing. And of course take what resonates, ignore what doesn't.
Overall enjoyed the read. Look forward to more. And like others said, first script, Awesome job!
I'm doing a major overhaul on this script. I've already started re-writing. Ajr did a really good job explaining "show, don't tell". Also, I enjoy writing like this much more. I like the new angle I'm going to take this. Hopefully I'll have the updated version uploaded in a month.
Thanks for all the advice and hopefully my next script reads fast, and I paint a good picture. See yeah soon.