SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is February 22nd, 2020, 9:48pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for 2019 - 2020 award consideration
The Scripts of the January 2020 One Week Challenge



Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    2014 One + 6  Week Challenge  ›  Slow Mo - 1+6WC - Feature
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Slow Mo - 1+6WC - Feature  (currently 4270 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2014, 7:32am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13577
Posts Per Day
1.95
Slo Mo by Dustin Bowcott - Thriller - A mysterious man, seeing things in slow motion and suffering from amnesia after being shot in the head, attempts to figure out why someone wants him dead. 84 pages - pdf, format

Slow Mo first ten pages



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
rendevous
Posted: August 20th, 2014, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2507
Posts Per Day
0.63
I remember I particularly liked this one when the first ten pages went up. Somewhat surprised to see who wrote it.

I would comment on the alky's naming, but it may cause toys to be chucked from pram. And I don't mean by the author.

There's some strange phrasing going on now and again near the start. I understand what's happening, or I think I do, but it could be phrased better. I guess you're trying to vary your writing, so fair enough. Maybe it's not quite as strange as it seems to me.

I know it's a film, and probably one of those hyper type far fetched things, but could they do that to Mikesh on a private plane? It seems a stretch. That said, I thought the bit that follows it was great.

He wouldn't suck him back up though. Although it may look like that.

I read the first ten. I'm a bit lost. There's three different groups of characters and I'm not sure what's going on. I liked the stuff with Mo the best. Presumably he'll come into more later on.

I'll come back to this later on too and reread from the start.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 28
c m hall
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 12:20am Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
peninsula of Jersey
Posts
427
Posts Per Day
0.11
SPOILERS SPOILERS

I think this screenplay is wonderful.  The altered time elements seem perfect.

Nothing in the dialogue is unneeded.  All of the characters are interesting.  Even the roles of poor Jed and Maud could garner supporting actor awards.  

Scallion and Knight are pleasingly unimaginative in spite of their zest for novelty.  

A few notes:

p.8 Crater Face says "I don't what's so worse... "  (seems like there's a verb missing)

p.29 "rows of blackened, missing teeth... "  (reads awkwardly, as if the missing teeth were visible, I hope they are not)

p.50 "wondering" (wandering?)

p.50 Doctor Flanders?  (Fallows?)

p.53 is the "machine" a fax?  a printer?  I don't know why I want to know.

p.53 Maurice Mancuno?

p.65 "outhouse"  (in America, an outhouse is an enclosed toilet, nothing more)

p.69 Sharpelli addresses Mo as "Mo" -- it didn't seem right, to me, now that Sharpelli knows his real name... my thought is that he doesn't need to address him by name at all

There's a wonderful scene on page 47 where zombie types seem unable to resist Mo's exposed brain.

The flash back scenes, guided by Dr. Fallows, work very well.

I was confused about when Sharpelli found out about his sister's fate.

Sharpelli is a terrific creation and amazingly holds everything together.  

I love the ending.  This is going to be a very entertaining film.  
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 28
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 1:37am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5479
Posts Per Day
2.28

Quoted from rendevous
I remember I particularly liked this one when the first ten pages went up. Somewhat surprised to see who wrote it.

I would comment on the alky's naming, but it may cause toys to be chucked from pram. And I don't mean by the author.

There's some strange phrasing going on now and again near the start. I understand what's happening, or I think I do, but it could be phrased better. I guess you're trying to vary your writing, so fair enough. Maybe it's not quite as strange as it seems to me.

I know it's a film, and probably one of those hyper type far fetched things, but could they do that to Mikesh on a private plane? It seems a stretch. That said, I thought the bit that follows it was great.

He wouldn't suck him back up though. Although it may look like that.

I read the first ten. I'm a bit lost. There's three different groups of characters and I'm not sure what's going on. I liked the stuff with Mo the best. Presumably he'll come into more later on.

I'll come back to this later on too and reread from the start.

R


The alky's name was a last minute thing. I had him called Frank but wanted to change it and, well, his was the first name that came to mind when thinking of a homeless alcoholic. It's also a pretty unusual (all things considered) spelling.

I tend to change my style of writing depending on the script. But upon reading it back yesterday, I feel the first 3 pages are a little shaky. Not exactly sure why.

I suppose it is kinda far-fetched. A guy shot in the head, with half his skull missing, brains leaking out, whatever... running around kicking ass is a little out there. I just try to do things that I believe nobody else will think of and attempt to make them work.

Yeah, on the sucking up thing, it would depend on the camera angle, I believe we were following Scallion who was still diving at the time... and it does look like that. You're right, but I'm not sure changing it would make much difference aside from being more long-winded to explain. I like the idea of the shot showing him being 'sucked' into the sky. I'll try and work around it, but I like the look of the shot. I'm not sure writing it any other way will convey what I want to show.

I'm glad that you liked the stuff that was going on with Mo the best as I felt I may have made the others more fun to be around.

The idea is to have the viewer confused, the same way Mo is confused. If we know what's going on so early it ruins the film, it does for me anyway.

Thanks for giving it a look.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 28
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 2:26am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5479
Posts Per Day
2.28

Quoted from c m hall
SPOILERS SPOILERS

I think this screenplay is wonderful.  The altered time elements seem perfect.

Nothing in the dialogue is unneeded.  All of the characters are interesting.  Even the roles of poor Jed and Maud could garner supporting actor awards.  


Glad you think so. Now I just need to convince an exec with a few million of the possible profits.
I've arrived at a new level with my dialogue recently after working with actors. One thing I really want to push more is dialogue-free acting. Conveying things with just a look. There is far more to acting than reading lines. Although my vomit drafts are still full of exposition.


Quoted Text
Scallion and Knight are pleasingly unimaginative in spite of their zest for novelty.


I didn't want to push that because then it would turn it into a pointless game rather than simple thrill-seeking. I also didn't want the film to become about them.


Quoted Text
A few notes:

p.8 Crater Face says "I don't what's so worse... "  (seems like there's a verb missing)

p.29 "rows of blackened, missing teeth... "  (reads awkwardly, as if the missing teeth were visible, I hope they are not)

p.50 "wondering" (wandering?)

p.50 Doctor Flanders?  (Fallows?)

p.53 is the "machine" a fax?  a printer?  I don't know why I want to know.

p.53 Maurice Mancuno?

p.65 "outhouse"  (in America, an outhouse is an enclosed toilet, nothing more)

p.69 Sharpelli addresses Mo as "Mo" -- it didn't seem right, to me, now that Sharpelli knows his real name... my thought is that he doesn't need to address him by name at all

There's a wonderful scene on page 47 where zombie types seem unable to resist Mo's exposed brain.

The flash back scenes, guided by Dr. Fallows, work very well.

I was confused about when Sharpelli found out about his sister's fate.

Sharpelli is a terrific creation and amazingly holds everything together.  

I love the ending.  This is going to be a very entertaining film.  


Thanks for all the errors, I'll fix those. In particular 'outhouse'. Another Americanism to add to the list.

The slight plot hole with Sharpelli and his sister will need figuring out too. I was aware of it when I posted so I'm glad you pointed it out, shows I was right. I actually had her as a guy called Victor in the vomit, but realised my script was a bit too masculine so changed him to his sister instead. He was also tortured. The vomit was a bit of a mess and this is the stage after, so I expect there to be some weak areas.

Glad it worked for you, thanks for the review.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 3:58am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Posts
3439
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hi Dustin,

Don't have too much to say about this.

It's fun, goofy action. There's some nice humour in the dialogue and some inventive scenes.

Like Rendevous, I was a  little lost at times. Personally think you'd be better sticking to Mo more and letting us learn about things from his perspective.

It would certainly make for a rather unique experience on film! Good luck with it.


Rick
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 28
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 5:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5479
Posts Per Day
2.28
I'm aware that I can get into the characters too much and as such, at times, overshadow the protag. I do try to rein it in but I suppose it can slip away from me. I'll look into seeing what I can do to make Mo's part more prominent and clear up the confusion.

Thanks for pointing it out and I'm glad you got some entertainment out of it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 28
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 6:37am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Posts
3439
Posts Per Day
0.89
My favourite part was the bit with the crackhead describing how Mo was like a fly.

That was excellent.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 28
IamGlenn
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 7:47am Report to Moderator
Regular


:)

Location
Dublin, Ireland, Europe, The World.
Posts
703
Posts Per Day
0.35
Just read the first ten pages. Very good and entertaining start to a film.

I look forward to reading the rest later and will of course give my opinion.

Looking good though!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 28
ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Onen Hag Oll

Location
Newquay, Cornwall, England
Posts
220
Posts Per Day
0.07
I haven't got time to finish this just yet, but I will be back on it later this evening or some time tonight. I've read up to page 9 for now, before we go INT DISTILERY, and have a few notes.

I remember reading the first ten of this and finding it believable that Mo could survive a shot to the head. However, now half of his head is missing, it's a harder sell for me. Personally I think you'd be better with either a small exit wound, or better still would be to have no exit wound at all so the bullet is still lodged in his brain. It could be one of those 'just go with it' scenarios, but something to think about.

I liked how in this first ten we get to see Mo move at twice normal speed, as in the original ten I had no idea why everything would be in slow motion for him. Now it makes a whole lot more sense, plus it makes it more intriguing as to how he is seemingly 'super human'. Also, I'm glad you made a note of it being up to the director as and when to use slow motion stuff, in your original ten it did feel a little overdone and made it a bit trickier to follow.

For the minute I'm guessing Knight and Scallion are the bad guys, and in particular I think Scallion is a good character. I certainly got that adrenaline junkie vibe from him, especially with the whole skydiving thing and him surfing Mikesh. The fact he decided not to use a chute and glide down instead shows he has little care other than finding that 'rush', and a character like that is one who will make a pretty impressive foe for our hero.

I'm guessing people may have a problem with Scallion gliding to the ground without a chute, but it wasn't that long ago the first non-parachute jump from a plane was successfully pulled off. That guy landed on boxes whereas Scallion uses the trees, but I can buy it happening.

During the jump you do say Mikesh is going 'faster and faster', which is possible earlier in the jump, but at a certain point things that fall from such heights reach terminal velocity. During my research for the freefall I had in my script (which for a second there I thought you might be 'borrowing'), I found that a man weighing 170lbs reaches TV at around 12 seconds, so it's just something to think about.

On page 5, Knight says 'I thought...' to which Scallion laughs and replies... 'I knew. I just knew'. I'm not 100% sure what he thought or knew, which could just be down to me, but it might be better if Knight actually finishes off saying what he thought, then have Scallion laugh it off without saying anything. I'm guessing it would still work, and I wouldn't be quite as confused anyway.

Last little note is the hillbillies playing chess. At first I thought it seemed a bit cliche as I've seen plenty of bad guys playing chess over the years. But, when I actually thought about it, it wasn't. Chess is a thinking man's game, and a hillbilly, or someone described as such wouldn't necessarily be seen as a thinking man. I guess what I'm saying is you seem to of flipped the cliche, which is a good thing.

I'll get back to this later, got potential so far for sure.

Revision History (1 edits)
ArtyDoubleYou  -  August 21st, 2014, 9:37am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 8:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5479
Posts Per Day
2.28

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
My favourite part was the bit with the crackhead describing how Mo was like a fly.

That was excellent.


Thank you. I really like the idea of using him, or someone like him, to tell the science part. Makes a change.


Quoted from IamGlenn
Just read the first ten pages. Very good and entertaining start to a film.

I look forward to reading the rest later and will of course give my opinion.

Looking good though!


Thanks, mate. The more scripts you read, the faster you will pick up the rules, including the unspoken ones. I look forward to hearing your opinion.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 28
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2014, 10:13am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5479
Posts Per Day
2.28

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou

I remember reading the first ten of this and finding it believable that Mo could survive a shot to the head. However, now half of his head is missing, it's a harder sell for me. Personally I think you'd be better with either a small exit wound, or better still would be to have no exit wound at all so the bullet is still lodged in his brain. It could be one of those 'just go with it' scenarios, but something to think about.


Yeah, I'm inclined to agree with you, I think an entry wound would be enough. Save a lot on make-up and special effects too.


Quoted Text
I liked how in this first ten we get to see Mo move at twice normal speed, as in the original ten I had no idea why everything would be in slow motion for him. Now it makes a whole lot more sense, plus it makes it more intriguing as to how he is seemingly 'super human'. Also, I'm glad you made a note of it being up to the director as and when to use slow motion stuff, in your original ten it did feel a little overdone and made it a bit trickier to follow.


It wasn't pleasant to write either so it was no problem to remove it. The director's note made writing the script a lot easier.


Quoted Text
For the minute I'm guessing Knight and Scallion are the bad guys, and in particular I think Scallion is a good character. I certainly got that adrenaline junkie vibe from him, especially with the whole skydiving thing and him surfing Mikesh. The fact he decided not to use a shoot and glide down instead shows he has little care other than finding that 'rush', and a character like that is one who will make a pretty impressive foe for our hero.


You'd be guessing correctly. I originally had Scallion alone and then included a gay lover in the form of Knight. Not sure if it works that well.


Quoted Text
I'm guessing people may have a problem with Scallion gliding to the ground without a chute, but it wasn't that long ago the first non-parachute jump from a plane was successfully pulled off. That guy landed on boxes whereas Scallion uses the trees, but I can buy it happening.


Yeah, I saw that too. Using winged jumpsuits. I've seen them called simply jumpsuits so didn't know how to refer to them in the script without going into along description.


Quoted Text
During the jump you do say Mikesh is going 'faster and faster', which is possible earlier in the jump, but at a certain point things that fall from such heights reach terminal velocity. During my research for the freefall I had in my script (which for a second there I thought you might be 'borrowing'), I found that a man weighing 170lbs reaches TV at around 12 seconds, so it's just something to think about.


I did kinda get the idea from you. I'm guessing it was your first ten with the guy freefalling to his death. If so, then yes, you sparked that idea in me. I then wanted to know if it was possible to jump out of a plane without a chute and I came across the video with the guy in the winged suit.


Quoted Text
On page 5, Knight says 'I thought...' to which Scallion laughs and replies... 'I knew. I just knew'. I'm not 100% sure what he thought or knew, which could just be down to me, but it might be better if Knight actually finishes off saying what he thought, then have Scallion laugh it off without saying anything. I'm guessing it would still work, and I wouldn't be quite as confused anyway.


My fear of exposition means I can cut too much at times. When Knight says, I thought, it is in concern as he thought Scallion was going to die. Scallion's response says that he knew he wouldn't. He can't say how, but in that moment in time, he knew he could get away with it. As these guys jumped too high for a safe winged suit landing.


Quoted Text
Last little note is the hillbillies playing chess. At first I thought it seemed a bit cliche as I've seen plenty of bad guys playing chess over the years. But, when I actually thought about it, it wasn't. Chess is a thinking man's game, and a hillbilly, or someone described as such wouldn't necessarily be seen as a thinking man. I guess what I'm saying is you seem to of flipped the cliche, which is a good thing.


I always like to do that whenever I can. I had a very cliched scene in the organic draft and wanted to flip it, so I'm glad you appreciate that. Thanks for the comments so far, much appreciated.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 28
ArtyDoubleYou
Posted: August 22nd, 2014, 5:17am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


Onen Hag Oll

Location
Newquay, Cornwall, England
Posts
220
Posts Per Day
0.07
Sorry I didn't get back to this yesterday, but I've finished now.

Now entering SPOILER city, careful as you go.

I had one big problem with this by the end, and I think that's down to the amount of characters involved and the different factions they all seem to belong to. Because of this I felt it all became a bit unfocused. I made a note on page 14 about there being too many characters, and there were more to come afterwards.

Off the top of my head we have Mo, the doctor and Jeff, Sharpelli, Jed and his hillbilly crew, Scallion and Knight, the people on the plane with them and all their henchmen, Sharpelli's sister and a few police, Twanita and her people, and also Mo's family.

Maybe it's just when reading it it's a lot to take in, as on film it isn't quite as hard to keep up. But at the same time, I don't feel like I really got to know Mo that well. If there were less characters and more time spent with Mo as he tries to uncover what's going on, we would get to know him more and care a whole lot more about him.

My favourite character was Scallion. I do like a good bad guy, but I should be more interested in Mo. I get Scallion, I understand what he's all about, I got him from the first scene he's in. I never really had that with Mo. Mo is more of a mystery, but perhaps that was the point? One last thing about Scallion, I didn't feel like him taking his own life was in character. He seemed much more the type to go down in a blaze of glory. Perhaps have him pick up the gun, realise it's empty and have him aim at the police or Mo only to be met by a hail of gunfire. That would be more his style. That or firing a rocket launcher at his own feet blowing himself up.

During the scene with Mo under hypnosis, you have Fallows as Flanders instead for a few lines of dialogue. Also, should the hypnosis stuff have a flashback added as well? And when Mo finally realises who he is, it might be better to have him come around and say 'I'm Carl Beckford' so we know he's figured it out while he's 'awake'. I only say this because when we move on to his house he suddenly seems to know everything about his family, and it made me wonder if he would remember all that stuff from being 'under'. It's not a big thing as maybe he could, but something to think about.

Last little note would be about Mo using the coke and the heroin. I've had a little experience with coke so I know it speeds up the heart rate and would work for what he needs. But I always thought heroin was more of a relaxant, which may not be the right word, but I thought it knocked people out rather than speeds them up. I guess it's my own curiosity as maybe it could perk him up.

Overall though, pretty decent, I just feel it needs to focus more on Mo.

ps did we ever find out who shot him? Maybe I missed it, but I want to know.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 28
Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2014, 6:34am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

Posts
5479
Posts Per Day
2.28

Quoted from ArtyDoubleYou

I had one big problem with this by the end, and I think that's down to the amount of characters involved and the different factions they all seem to belong to. Because of this I felt it all became a bit unfocused. I made a note on page 14 about there being too many characters, and there were more to come afterwards.

Off the top of my head we have Mo, the doctor and Jeff, Sharpelli, Jed and his hillbilly crew, Scallion and Knight, the people on the plane with them and all their henchmen, Sharpelli's sister and a few police, Twanita and her people, and also Mo's family.

Maybe it's just when reading it it's a lot to take in, as on film it isn't quite as hard to keep up. But at the same time, I don't feel like I really got to know Mo that well. If there were less characters and more time spent with Mo as he tries to uncover what's going on, we would get to know him more and care a whole lot more about him.


I believe it is down to people reading. I can point to virtually any film's IMDb profile page and there will be a stream of characters. Here's the IMDb profile for a short film:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3629428/?ref_=nm_flmg_prd_3

Note the rich character list. Some more important than others. Although I would like to figure out a way to cut Twanita's part out of it, I feel the others are essential.


Quoted Text
My favourite character was Scallion. I do like a good bad guy, but I should be more interested in Mo. I get Scallion, I understand what he's all about, I got him from the first scene he's in. I never really had that with Mo. Mo is more of a mystery, but perhaps that was the point?


Mo has amnesia, been shot in the head and is seeing things in slow motion... we are intro'd to his family while he is still unaware of them which gives something of an insight. Other than that he is meant to be a mystery. I don't like films where the viewer knows what's going on but the protag doesn't. I think it should be a mystery. I can't show more about Mo, if the whole point is that we don't know.


Quoted Text
One last thing about Scallion, I didn't feel like him taking his own life was in character. He seemed much more the type to go down in a blaze of glory. Perhaps have him pick up the gun, realise it's empty and have him aim at the police or Mo only to be met by a hail of gunfire. That would be more his style. That or firing a rocket launcher at his own feet blowing himself up.


I disagree. If he is captured or shot by the police then they win. If he does it himself then he does... he actually got the idea from Jeff. He remembers how cheated he felt when Jeff took his own life.


Quoted Text
During the scene with Mo under hypnosis, you have Fallows as Flanders instead for a few lines of dialogue.


Dunno what happened there, my kids must have been watching The Simpsons in the background or something. Thanks for pointing it out, sometimes typo's just go over our heads.


Quoted Text
Also, should the hypnosis stuff have a flashback added as well?


Not sure. I'm deep into writing another script at the moment and don't want to go back and check... but my motto is, if it's understandable, it's understandable... who gives a fuck what it looks like? There are boundaries, obviously.


Quoted Text
And when Mo finally realises who he is, it might be better to have him come around and say 'I'm Carl Beckford' so we know he's figured it out while he's 'awake'. I only say this because when we move on to his house he suddenly seems to know everything about his family, and it made me wonder if he would remember all that stuff from being 'under'. It's not a big thing as maybe he could, but something to think about.


I'll try and think of something that isn't cliche... but, sometimes, I feel things are better left unexplained... if the viewer can think of a possible explanation, then it's that one. Just as you stated, it could probably happen from being under, so will most others arrive at that conclusion, I'm guessing.


Quoted Text
Last little note would be about Mo using the coke and the heroin. I've had a little experience with coke so I know it speeds up the heart rate and would work for what he needs. But I always thought heroin was more of a relaxant, which may not be the right word, but I thought it knocked people out rather than speeds them up. I guess it's my own curiosity as maybe it could perk him up.


I've had a little bit of experience too. The opiates are a pain killer. Just like taking something synthesised and over priced from the doctor, opiates are a simple medicine and strong pain killer. He needs the boost tot he heart, from the coke... keeps the blood thin, and the heart working hard. The smack, kills the intense pain he's in.


Quoted Text
Overall though, pretty decent, I just feel it needs to focus more on Mo.


You may be right... or even, to change the protag to Sharpelli. I think that might be a better route.


Quoted Text
ps did we ever find out who shot him? Maybe I missed it, but I want to know.


This is one of those things that the viewer can work out themselves. I didn't want to insult their intelligence by going through yet another action scene where Mo was taken down. We'd seen the hunt with Jeff and Charlene, also the Asian business man from the plane at the start. I felt it would be overkill to do another one. Seems obvious that Scallion or Knight shot him, depending who won their game that night.

Something to think about as is all you've said. I need to add some pages so maybe that's it, however cutting Twanita will mean I need to add more... I already have a way to cut Twanita out. I suppose I could kill two birds with one stone, if I have Mo go to a meeting with Scallion and Knight for something, it obviously goes wrong, Mo is discovered and they hunt him down. Get the page count back.

Even if I don't agree with you now, I could change my mind tomorrow. So thank you for all and any future advice I take heed of. Much appreciated, mate... cheers.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
Last Fountain
Posted: August 23rd, 2014, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while



Location
Ottawa
Posts
198
Posts Per Day
0.08
SLO MO is a fast paced LSD-laced nut-bag action flick that never lets up or relents for anything.

The dark and twisted elements are sure to offend some and intrigue others. The perverse and psychotic elements never over-take everything else. There is also a good mystery within. There is a good amount of dark humour that keeps the brutal violence and depraved sexuality from tainting this into something opaque.

Plain and simple – I had a lot of fun with the non-stop action and bizarre concept.

Here are the notes I took while reading, in the hopes you can better understand what one reader/viewer thinks as they absorb your tale.

First, a digression - I’ll comment on the camera direction stuff. Normally, I leave all these format/spelling issues up to other reviewers, since most seem to concentrate on these elements rather than constructive criticism. So I feel like I should address some positives to these camera directions. I like how the movie shifts in and out of slow motion. Maybe all you need to state is “SLO MO:” and describe the actions. What I like in this script is that the camera directions are NECESSARY as they actually direct the story. They aren’t some sort of stylistic decision. For me, I’d rid the 1st page of the bracketed information. After all, this is a fun balls-to-the-wall concept so I don’t take the slow-mo mentions as insulting or poor formatting. In this case, I want to see what you see.  - And…end digression.

The opening image is so STRIKING. I really love the gruesome nature of our introduction into this world. The sentence is awkwardly worded. I’d consider pairing the shooing of the rat with the mention of Jeff. So I’d open on the brutal wound, then the rat. What a great way to say, “Hi. This is my movie. Ready or not, here it comes.”

I also appreciate the little DETAILS like the toe poking through the boot. And how the homeless guy finds a severely injured man and doesn’t think of getting help, he thinks of the opportunity to get money. I also love the shock of Mo awakening and fingering his massive head wound.

Right away, this movie has DARK HUMOUR soaking the edges of DERANGED ACTION.

I like how the character names are full of FLAVOUR. This skydive stuff is a rather bold opening action sequence. What a memorable way to meet our baddies(?). The surfboard to forest transition is just crazy enough. This reminds me of CRANK meets XXX (and I’m thinking the Vin Diesel movie here). It makes me wonder who are these guys and why did they make these 2 battle over one parachute (if I understood that correctly). Very INTRIGUING opening pages - just NUTS enough.

Your DESCRIPTIONS are VERY GOOD. They are sparse when needed. What I enjoy is the descriptions that build each scene. You orchestrate each shift in scenery with enough specific details that we can see what’s on screen. Then as the scene moves on the detailing grows thin. I like this economic approach on STYLE. You use unique details where it’s needed. That’s why I want to see what you see, down to the shifts into slow motion. I want to know when you envision “slo-mo mode”. Although, I’m sure in the pages to come it will still be suggestive enough to indicate this shift in POV.

I like the Sheriff’s intro. We just heard the doctor mention him by name, and then we meet him with this regular “day at the office”. I wonder if it’s the same woods the skydivers landed in? I like the attack with Crater Face and the hillbillies. The setting and details within gives this film even more GRIME and GUNGE. And it looks like Sharpelli isn’t afraid to get dirty. He gets the job done even if he must take more brutal measures to do so.

When Mo awakens from “surgery” I imagine there are some slo-mo moments. This is an instance where I would appreciate the indication of slow motion. I really feel like this style is part of the concept’s CHARM. I feel like this excitement gets buried when you don’t mention of it. Maybe there is a balance to be found – like when to mention he hears something slow (if it’s important for him to misunderstand) and when he sees something slow (to further show confusion or elaborate / embellish actions). ALSO, I got a good CHUCKLE when the doc mentions he gave Mo enough sedative to knock out an elephant – cut to: Mo staggering awake. Good stuff.

That was UNEXPECTED. Mo busts out of the doc’s house. And crosses paths with Sharpelli. I like how doc faces the Sheriff. I wonder if you could slightly alter this dialogue for a more obvious laugh. Instead, doc says, “Sharpelli? Have I got a strange little story for you.” By also mentioning his name you ensure the audience is aware that the Sheriff is Sharpelli. I’m not sure if the hillbillies ever mentioned his name. And I’m sure his nametag would inform viewers. I suppose this is just a little note for clarity’s sake.

The BRIEF scene with Jenny could use a bit more meat. It doesn’t let us know much about her. I assume this is Mo’s wife. I also wonder how the politician, David, ties into all this? Sharpelli’s jail scene is rather brief as well. I assume you’re just filling in the blanks here, and letting us know he got these guys to jail. For me, I already filled that blank. I assumed the Sheriff dropped off the baddies before he arrived outside the doctor’s house.

What I’m more COMPELLED by is Sharpelli tracking down Mo. I’d focus on that instead – as the next scene has them together anyways. And then soon after you address the hillbillies imprisonment, thus making the earlier jail drop off redundant, in my eyes. Just some minor tweaks. Oh. And that in-between scene with Jenny and David hiding in her house was CREEPY too. I like how these MULTIPLE PLOTLINES are building rather quickly. I hope you touch on the skydivers soon. There’s a lot to juggle. So far, I think you’re doing that rather well.

I like the development of memory loss with Mo. He doesn’t even remember if he has a family. How heartbreaking. I like how you avoid melodrama here. It’s more an intriguing turn of events, rather than an emotional one. At this point, I feel like this is appropriate. He has a mission to find out who harmed him, but also to find himself. His identity. His family. INTRIGUING stuff.

A minor nitpick. Would a 50 year old man be referred to as “son”? Wow. A jail break. This movie just doesn’t let up. I like the idea of stringing the Sheriff up by a tree. Maybe you could include this in dialogue so the audience gets to enjoy this idea too. It demonstrates a different (backwards) sense of justice.

Okay. The hotel scene. You didn’t spare any details there either. Hehehehe. What did I say before about grime and gunge. Yeah. You continue this atmosphere. This is something you don’t see in a lot of movies. The oral sex scene adds another MEMORABLE moment. That said, I’m glad to see a return of these skydivers. Their intro brought up a lot of questions. I’m interested to know more about them and what they were doing on that plane earlier. It looks like Mo took something they want. And it somehow involves our politician, David. I didn’t expect this level of intricate detail regarding motives in a pulpy action thriller called Slo Mo.

I love it when Mo says, “I’ve got to keep moving. If I stay still, I die.” This felt like a real TRAILER MOMENT. It explains the concept very concisely. It adds a lot of URGENCY too. He can’t stop. What a welcome addition to keep this very intense.

It seems like the Sheriff and the FBI agent have come across Mo’s crime scene where he was shot in the head. I wonder if this is a good moment to reveal a bit more about what happened there. Maybe we could use a little clue without giving it all away. Also, nice suggestion with the importance of this case. Whatever secret Mo has it’s important enough to garner Federal interest. Nice work in that regard.

After some good ACTION bits, the crack-head recounts the night’s events. I enjoyed some of his DIALOGUE, especially the bit about a FLY. The adrenaline / morphine / cocaine / heroine combos add another interesting element. This development leads to some exciting VISUAL possibilities. The director would have quite a palette to work with. Plot-wise, I’m sure these drugs will become integral somewhere down the line. And it looks like Mo might be closer to getting some ANSWERS with Twanita. I’m glad someone recognizes him and we have a chance to learn more ourselves. It seems like Mo might have a dark hidden past.

I’m not sure the flashback in the helicopter is necessary. But it was kind of funny to see what Jeff used to be like. I wonder if this could simply be mentioned in dialogue. However, if flashbacks are used later, this is a nice way to lead us into their deployment (versus coming out of nowhere).

That said, I like how this scene develops. We get some answers as to the earlier skydive. These guys are just twisted and enjoy this strange sort of perverse entertainment. This is what they do for shits and giggles: an almost POINT BREAK-like version of hunting while jumping out of planes. Completely DIFFERENT and totally EXCITING. Like most of this movie.

Wow – and the scene has an UNEXPECTED ending. I didn’t imagine Jeff killing himself. It doesn’t quite click. I assume he’s simply denying these baddies their pleasure. He takes control by pulling the trigger himself. Complex, shocking, and bold - but ultimately an uneven decision, for my liking.

Jenny shows up at the police station. I love that Mo goes by a PSEUDONYM and his wife has no idea about his “other self”. Another COMPELLING TWIST. It seems like with the Twanita events maybe Mo has several other identities. Maybe he was undercover working to bust Twanita’s drug operation? Maybe he’s a dirty cop on the take? Lots of interesting theories begin to brew. Thanks for this. I love participating in the MYSTERY.

The crack-head continues to provide some laughs. Here, I’m thinking: “20 bucks.” And, man, Knight and Scallion are quite the pair. These guys are intense and just BAT-SHIT CRAZY. They remind me of the ridiculous punk trio in SMOKIN ACES - just plain unpredictable and dangerous.

I wonder if the Mo versus Twanita scene needs a bit more of an intro. It almost immediately enters slo-mo. That said, this is another exciting action scene that would be a visual trip to witness on the big screen. I imagine it in a JUDGE DREDD sort of hallucinatory slow motion. I also like that subtle touch as Mo grabs his drugs - Charlene grabs hers (caffeine). Nice transition there.

I like that Charlene gets her own car chase action scene. I wonder if she should have a moment even earlier in the script since she gets a fair amount of screen time. As is, her introduction felt like it was rather late in the proceedings.

I liked the VARIETY in the chase with different vehicles and the desert locale. I also liked the hopping from one action scene to another. The zombie crack-head stuff was good too – clambering on Mo like maggots on a carcass.

Charlene should be more of a fighter. I think it’d be cool if it seemed like she might kill these guys with her bare hands. I liked her RUSE and her end though. I would say this gives more weight to my suggestion she appear earlier. Make her feel like a main character that dies. For me, it would mean this info Mo uncovered is even MORE important.

Mo sleeping makes sense - it’s been a long day, right. But I wonder how this affects his earlier statement of “if I stay still, I die”? Maybe he listens to loud music that gets his adrenaline going or burns off energy moving to (head-banging or whatever). Might be funny, might be too goofy. You decide. Hehehe.

I like how Mo declines a coffee, but I think there’s a joke to be had and a plot point to be addressed. Maybe Sheriff says something like, “Put that away, so I can forget I ever saw it.” This way he points out the illegal activity but allows it in this extreme predicament.

I really enjoyed the SURREAL elements of the doctor’s trance and the churchyard. There were some strong visuals there, like the ground enveloping his body. I liked the hypnosis stuff too. It revealed just enough. The sheriff’s interruption felt rather forced. I wonder if there’s a better way to integrate this idea. After all, Mo has to go back “under” anyway to get more info. I am glad to see Sheriff vent some RAGE. And I’m glad he learns of Charlene. How will he react when he learns of her demise?

Jenny gets into the action too. I’m glad she fought back. The kids in danger just adds another layer of INTENSITY. This movie doesn’t let up for long. Everyone gets a turn to be endangered. It felt like a natural progression too. This trick doesn’t feel forced or out of nowhere. It works to my liking.

The seedy warehouse stuff was effective. GRIME. And GUNGE. The depravity on hand was just shocking enough. I like how are mystery comes to light in small doses here. If I understand correctly, cameras record everything onto CDs. Mo took an important CD. Scallion and Knight’s earlier activities make more sense now too. Ditto for David. I didn’t expect his stomping either. These guys are just brutal.

The kids are with the hillbillies. This could get CRAZY fast. Then Mo enters his house with Sheriff. And remember his children from the photo. Is his memory coming back to him now that he has been hypnotized? He doesn’t need to be under the trance anymore to recall earlier events? And then Jed gets his hands on the CD just as our 2 nut-bags arrive. Holy escalation, Batman. I get the sense every plotline is going to crash into another.

Hillbilly justice as they erupt from the forest. I like how Scallion and Knight lay down some rules. This is just one grande action set piece. Sheriff leads the locals and Mo hunts the 2 madmen. We’ve got burning houses and RPGs. Nutso. I liked the severed head kiss goodbye. It’s add some sort of twisted emotional dimension to these psychos. Scallion vs Mo was great, all the way down to that dangling jaw. I think Mo should kill him with that fury of punches versus the self-inflicted gunshot demise. I wonder if you should fade after Mo collapses. Let us worry for a moment. Then return with the park. The final fight was great though. The ending was tied up more neatly than I expected.

OVERALL, this was the craziest action flick I’ve “seen” in a while. I like the surreal elements, crazy action set pieces, and dark humour. The tight pacing never lets up for a second. While this leans much more towards action, there was enough of a mystery to justify its inclusion in the thriller genre.

 


SLIP/THROUGH - scifi noir (feature)
HOLY 3D CHRISTMAS! - fantasy (shorf)

BORED? Check out my movie news for movie nerds BLOG.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 14 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    2014 One + 6  Week Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006