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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May, 2015 One Week Challenge  ›  Feels Like Falling - OWC
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  Author    Feels Like Falling - OWC  (currently 4225 views)
Don
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Feels Like Falling by Michelle OíConnell - Short, Drama - An elevator operator finds his simple job becoming much more complicated when he tries to talk one of his building's tenants out of an abusive relationship. 12 pages - pdf, format


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stevie
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, this is very good! The writing dragged me straight up. I could picture it all nicely.

Love the use of the phone to show days and weeks passing - excellent idea.


Something will have to be good to beat this!



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Max
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah this was pretty damn good. A few typos here and there but that's to be expected on challenges such as this.

I liked the way David got his comeuppance, creative way to do it... and it also brings new meaning to the title. Everything was clear and easy to picture, I'm not entirely sure what type of elevator it is though but that's hardly important... I could picture it all the same.

And like the user said before me, the phone was another creative device to show the passing of time.

Another solid effort indeed, keep em' comin'


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JSimon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Wow, I keep going to the bottom of the barrel to the scripts no one is reading...and I keep finding gold!

This is the 10th one I've read, and so far this is the maybe the most competent OWC I've participated in...and yet I already have a hunch this one might get my vote in the end.

This is excellent writing on display. Might be in some ways the best OWC I've ever read, and I've been involved in them since 2011.

Nothing supernatural here. Just good storytelling.

Most OWC's have characters we could care less about. Even the very good ones. This story creates two characters that we care VERY much about. It manages to create emotional reaction, and I can't remember the last OWC I read that achieved that.

While it's somewhat predictable, it's pulled off so effectively that this predictability is not a flaw. The dialogue is very well done, the characters feel real.

suggestions to improve:

one: do you need all the date references? That seems to be an unnecessary distraction to the story. There are better ways to show progression of time. And we don't need to see what Marcus is doing on his iphone.

two: you might consider adding an element of growth to the character of Marcus. For example, maybe we see that he normally doesn't get involved in peoples business, which is kind of the nature of the elevator operator. I mean he might be friendly but distant. Or it could be something else. Maybe there's a scene where he is intimidated by David so it will really require some courage on his part. Or maybe he's even a retired cop so he has to overcome his blue loyalty to give David justice. Something that shows growth

The image of David falling to his death matches up in perfect irony with the earlier story of freedom told by Marcus. Well done! I'm just wondering if there is a way to show this final act of courage by Marcus as also showing some kind of growth and or change in him.

But then...it's also just fine the way it is! Great work!

Oh, yeah, the title does suck, sorry to say. The only thing that really needs to change. Think about all the things a title needs to do, and this one does none of them. That's probably why it has started out with so few reads.

ADDITIONAL NEXT DAY SUGGESTION: when we finally meet the cop husband killer, he's waaaay over the top evil. I mean he's not even careful about what he says. It's an easy thing to change...and it HAS to be changed. We always have to make characters act as they really would. This guy just killed his wife and unborn child in a drunken rage. He's a cop. He's trying to cover it up. He's going to be very careful with what he says. And we don't need to see him as over the top! We know he did it! Marcus knows it too. And if there is some doubt with Marcus...even better! Creates more tension. I suggest maybe introducing this cop earlier, before the killing, and he's a dick...not friendly to Marcus at all. After the killing he's MORE friendly to Marcus. Which is kind of suspicious. Give your audience credit, they know the guy killed his wife, and they would know he's compensating now, trying to be smooth, trying to pretend he's crushed by her "suicide".

This is a very good OWC entry. I was so caught up in the fact that it's such a rare quality piece of work for a short that overlooked this mistake. It's an easy fix though.

Revision History (1 edits)
JSimon  -  May 26th, 2015, 1:36pm
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rendevous
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:26am Report to Moderator
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The title reminded of a line from that Jeff Bridges film about a country singer. Called Crazy Heart. Had to look up the title. I'm far too honest for this internet business. I should be pretending how clever I am like everyone else. Sadly my heart's not in it.

I was hooked until page three. I realise time had passed, a few weeks in fact. But it still felt a little early for Marcus to say what he does. Maybe it'd work better on screen. And maybe I'm wrong. I hope so.

Have to say I quite admired the dialogue in this one. I was convinced by the black guy and the woman. It's hard to make such conversations seem completely credible. There's usually a line, or more usually a pile of them, that don't work. But this seems polished and plausible.

There's a few things in it I'd change. But then there's always a few things in any script I'd change. If I got hold of Marathon Man before they made it I'd have red ink all over it.

This is a good script. One of the best I've read in this OWC so far, and I've read quite a few. Fits the criteria and felt pretty original. Impressive.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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LC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:37am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
This is excellent writing on display. Might be in some ways the best OWC I've ever read, and I've been involved in them since 2011.

Since 2011? And, you have only 17 posts? You're either reincarnated with a new user name or you've been a very slack reviewer with your previous OWCs?

Sorry, I couldn't help myself, your comments intrigued me. And no I didn't write this.

And, I haven't read this yet, but I will because of the ringing endorsement.

Onto the script review:
I think I know who wrote this one...We shall see if I'm right when it's all over and done with.

All I can say is, wow!
Subject matter - realistic - had me wondering which route Sophie was going to take - brilliant that you had her say UP,  and I actually groaned and said NO! run as fast as you can. Terrific dialogue - each character has a unique voice - nice economical description/action lines -

and, I loved David...

SPOILERS:

taking a dive.

I think this last line is superfluous:

Yeah, Iím going to check now.

But that's a real nitpick and makes not difference overall.

Oh, and I love the title btw, fits perfectly. Some entries just take a while for people to get around to reviewing and I love that Don posts them all at once now.

Congrats.



Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
LC  -  May 25th, 2015, 10:49am
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Dustin
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 9:51am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Great script. No going the easy route like I did. This effort has to be admired. Well done.

9 out of 10.


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JSimon
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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LC...reincarnated. And no, not Michael Harrop, lol! He's had more lives than the Dalai Lama!
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LC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JSimon
LC...reincarnated. And no, not Michael Harrop, lol! He's had more lives than the Dalai Lama!

Aha!   Wonder if I'll be able to guess...



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Liked this a lot, strong writing throughout and a believable set of characters as well.

I didn't like the end so much, but purely as I felt sorry for Sophie and didn't want the inevitable to happen ;-(

Great effort

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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This was good writing, but kinda bland for my tastes. Very sterile. Marcus is your run-of-the-mill nice guy who decides to set things right in his own way, except there was never a hint his own way could exist in his arc. So in the end, justice was served and readers are going to get onboard that.

Not for me, sorry.
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DanC
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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I actually thought this was the best story I've read so far.  I cared about the girl.  I hated him.  It told a complete story and it kept me involved in it.

I do agree that the dates were annoying.

9/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats on getting an entry in.

The writing is good and I liked the story.  It was a little bland but think the writing fit the tone.  You could cut a page or two with a rewrite but overall it's good.  Good luck with this.


My Scripts:
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eldave1
Posted: May 25th, 2015, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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This is tied for first with one other of the ones I have read so far.

Great style - on the point dialogue - well developed characters.

I did see the ending coming 2/3rds through the story - it was quite predictable in that regard. However, in this case, predictable was good because it ended how it was supposed to.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: May 26th, 2015, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Good entry.

Like with every script some extra time will allow you to fine tune but overall this was a very solid entry.

If I had a niggle, it was the easy way the police didn't investigate as if a death is easy to cover, but I get the point of that.

Not sure dates are required as mentioned.

How about the bellboy resigns and leaves, but comes back for the last time to set it up. Then disappears. Always fancied going to Ohio

Well done, decent work.


My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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